This Holiday Special is brought to you by:


Self-Stomach Stapler: Now you can perform the expensive hospital
surgery to lose weight in your own home!

Torn-Crumpled-Up Wrapping Paper: Why wait till someone gets you a gift
to experience the joy of torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper? Now you can
buy torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper anytime!



CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#3 (out of 4)

Cauliflower's Inferno




Irony Man observed the strange sight of two members of the LNH
attempting to feed cheesecake to Cauliflower.

"What on earth are you doing to that poor dog? What are you feeding him?"

"Umm, Liver and Tuna Fish Surprise Cheesecake?" Cheesecake Eater Lad
said with a sheepish expression. "But he likes it, really! Well, at
least he used to. We've been trying to get him to eat something."

"Yeah," the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life continued. "He hasn't been
eating or drinking anything. Not even eggnog."

"Not even eggnog? Damn! This sounds serious. How long has this been
going on?" Irony Man asked.

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life thought about it. "Oh. About a week,
I'd guess."

"You should probably get him checked out by Organic Lass," suggested
Irony Man. "Oh, and have you tried feeding him Cauliflower?"

"Cauliflower?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life shook his head. "He
hates Cauliflower."

"Weird." Irony Man rubbed his chin. "A dog named Cauliflower that
doesn't like to eat Cauliflower. Hmm. There's a literary expression
for that sort of thing, but I can't remember off hand what it is."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Organic Lass listened to Cauliflower's heartbeat with her stethoscope as Cauliflower slept on one of her examining table. A variety of tubes and
wires were stuck into him.

"Well?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life asked Organic Lass as she
finished with her last test. "What's the verdict?"

"It's hard to say. But whatever it is, it's not good. He has a very
high fever; and various organs such as his liver, lungs, and kidneys are starting to deteriorate. I don't know where to start since I've never
seen anything quite like this. My one guess though is that he might
have picked this up from that girl. You know? The one that had cancer,
but now is cured."

"You think she gave him this? She made him sick?"

"Well, I don't think she intended to if that's what you're asking. I'm
not sure about how Cauliflower's powers work, but I think he might have
made an attempt to cure the girl and in doing so might have absorbed her disease into his own body. I've made a few calls to the hospital and
there are some similarities to the disease she had, and that Cauliflower
now has. But there are also differences. The disease Cauliflower has
seems to be even deadlier. This might be due to the fact that he's a
dog or maybe because of his powers."

"Do you think you can save him?"

"I'm not sure. I'm good with humans, cyborgs, mutants, but animals?
What Cauliflower really needs is to be examined by an expert in
veterinary medicine."

"So who's the best?"

"Well," Organic Lass said as she recalled someone from her past. "There
was this guy who I went to medical school with, actually we dated once.
He was probably one of the greatest minds in veterinarian science. He
might be tough to get though."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --

A trenchcoated superhero escorted by a number of federal agents walked
through a corridor. On both sides of him were glass cages filled with
some of the lamest and most inane supervillains the Looniverse had ever
known.

He walked past a man in a bear suit jumping rope -- using threads of
conflict. He walked past a man wearing a diving helmet and a gorilla
suit who kept shouting, "CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" over and over again. He
walked past a man in a labcoat covered in F's who seemed to be
attempting to perform surgery on his own brain. And finally he stopped
right at the cage of the man he needed to see.

In the cage was a man in a labcoat who was busy dissecting some kind of
rat. In the background he could hear Rex Harrison singing, 'If I could
talk to the animals'. This man went by the name Fred Shed, but to the
world outside? To the world outside (or at least to the people who care
about obscure third rate villains) he was known as...

....VAPID VETERINARIAN!!!!

"Vell, Continuity Champ! Ve veet again!"

"Continuity Champ? I'm not Continuity Champ! I look nothing at all
like him! I'm Fearless Leader! Second in command of the LNH!"

"Vell zorry! Vafter vuvwhile you Zupers zart to look ve zame! Vand vhy
if you're named Vearless Leader var you zecond in command? Shouldn't
you ve named Vearless Zecond in Command?"

"Look!" said Fearless Leader starting to get a little bit irritated.
"If you knew my complex backhistory, you'd know that I have some valid
reasons for being named Fearless Leader. But I really don't have the
time right now to get into that! I'm here because the LNH has need of
your services. There's an animal that's very sick and we need a person
of your skills to look at him. The LNH is willing to pull some strings
to get you a Presidential Pardon if you're able to save him."

"Vah! Ve Vlot Vickens! Ve VelNH muzt ve dezperate if vey need vhy help
zo vadly! Vell you vhat, I'll zave vis vanimal if you give me Vifty
Villion Dollers vand Ve Prezidential Vardon!"

"Vifty Villion...! I mean -- Fifty Million Dollars! My God! Don't you
have a heart, Vapid Veterinarian!? Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch is right now dying of some fatal disease and..."

"Vait! Did you zay, Caulivlower ve Christmas Viracle Vooch?!"

"Yes, Caulivlower -- I mean Cauliflower -- is dying and you're.."

"Vell vor Vahgnur's Zake, vhy didn't you zay zo in ve virst place! I'd
take a vullet ver that vurry vittle guy! He's vhy varorite VelNH'r!"
Vapid Veterinarian stood up from his chair. "Vell? Vhat var ve vaiting
vor? Vet's Zave Him!!!"

Fearless Leader a bit surprised at this sudden shift eventually got back
on track and said, "Umm, sure. You're right! Let's go!"

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life leaned back on a chair reading a
magazine. He was sitting next to a closed door, which on the other side
of held the brilliant minds of Dr. Stomper, Organic Lass, and the
supervillain Vapid Veterinarian. The three scientists were working hard
on saving Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch. And The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life waited. He had nothing else better to do.

"Hey, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life." said Special Bonding Boy in a
sympathetic voice. "How's it going in there? Have you heard anything?"

"Nah. Occasionally someone like Steak and Potatoes Man comes around and delivers some food and occasionally one of them comes out and says that
they're making progress. But I don't know what's going on in there.
I'm just waiting."

"Well, I'm sure it's going to be okay in the end!" Special Bonding Boy
said trying to cheer The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life up a little bit.
"Look, there's this candle light vigil that we're going to be holding
tonight for Cauliflower. It's going to be at RAC Arthur Park. I
believe that President Hex Luthor is going to be there and give a
speech. I was wondering if you would like to go?"

"Thanks. I'd like too, but I don't know. I think I'll just stay here.
And wait."

"Well," Special Bonding Boy said as he gave The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life a pat on the shoulder, "If you change your
mind the vigil will start at 6PM. I just want you to know that
Cauliflower's in all our prayers. Well, see you." Special Bonding Boy
smiled as he waved bye to The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life

"Thanks again. Later." Before The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life could
return to his magazine he was interrupted once again.

"did you here the news?" said a blue skinned midget with a very high
voice who was wearing lots of armor, rings, and amulets.

"No? What news, Munchkin Man?"

"occultism kid found this obscure passage in one of his spell books! it involves this tree called the one true christmas tree! it says that
whoever eats a pinecone off this tree and believes in the power of
christmas shall be healed of all sickness and be given eternal life!
and of course if there is one person or dog that believes in the power
of christmas it has to be cauliflower, right? so occultism kid with
ultimate ninja's permission formed a team to look for this tree! bandwagonchick, kid kirby, pocket man, fuzzy, and self-righteous
preacher! they left this morning to go and find it!"

"This is great! So where did they go? Where's the One True Christmas
Tree found?"

"hell. would have gone too, but i seem to have misplaced my Slingshot
of Mass Demon Genocide [+1000]. oh well."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"You know? I think we should have taken a left turn at Alt.uquerque!"

A bandwagon led by spectral horses flew through a blood stained
landscape. A place that smelled like brimstone, sounded like a
murderous scream, and felt like an out of control blow dryer. A
cosmically armored god flew beside it and occasionally blasted away at
the various winged abominations coming near it.

"Alt.uquerque? Where did you get that map, Pocket Man? Exactly?" asked Occultism Kid.

"Umm? From pocket #666. It contains all kinds of satanic stuff.
Including maps of Hell!"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "As far as I'm aware there's no
Alt.uquerque in Hell. Well as far as I'm aware."

"Nope," Pocket Man said pointing to the map. "It says here
Alt.uquerque! And if we keep going in this direction we're going to be
hitting Springerville, A.rec.zo.net soon!"

"Give me that map!" Fuzzy said as she tore the map from Pocket Man's
grasp. "This isn't a map of Hell! This is a map of the Southwest you
idiot!!"

"You sure? Hmm -- guess that *would* explain all those eerie coincidences!"

Another demon flew close to the Bandwagon trying to claw its way inside.
Fuzzy blasted it with her AK-47.

"Dammit, Preacher! I thought you had the power to banish demons! Why
aren't you doing something?!" Fuzzy said as she took another shot.

Self-Righteous Preacher looked up from his Bible. "I can banish demons
back to the hell that spawned them. Since we're in hell, all I can do
is send them here!"

"You know," Occultism Kid said as he whipped up another attack spell,
"You might have mentioned that to me before I allowed you to join this
party!"

"I fear not these demons! For those who are righteous with the ways of
the Lord shall be protected from the shadows of wickedness!"

"And the rest of us?" Pocket Man said wiping sweat from his brow.
"We're screwed. Right? You know, Bandwagon Chick? I think maybe we
should follow Kid Kirby. He seems to know where we're headed."

"Duh! That's what I've been doing! I'm not an idiot!" Bandwagon Chick
said as she gripped the reigns to her horses tightly. Kid Kirby flew
straight into the Jaws of Hell. And the Bandwagon followed.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Cat? Have I ever told you my origin?"

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life and Catalyst Lass waited outside the
sickroom that Cauliflower was hanging onto life in. They had been
talking about all kinds of things to pass away the boredom of waiting.

"No. You never have. I'd love to hear it," Catalyst Lass said with the
warm sort of smile that only she could give.

"Well you see I was working at this place. Quickie Burger? I think
that's what it was. So a friend drops by while I'm manning the counter.
We get to talking. All kinds of stuff. You know hot girls. Comic
Books. All kinds of stuff. And there's this old man waiting in line.
And I must have been talking along time with my friend. And the old
man's getting really irritated. But I still keep on talking. And the
old guy? He just keeps waiting! Most people would have left in disgust
by that time, but not this old guy. He keeps waiting and waiting. And
I'm thinking to myself, this guy must have no life whatsoever! And so
after an hour or so my friend has to go and the guy -- he's still there!
So I ask him what he'd like to order. And this guy -- this guy just
let's me have. He gives me this long lecture about courtesy to
customers. And then the whammie. He gives me the curse! And this is
what he said, 'You shall live forever, but you shall never have a life.
And the day you get a life shall be the day you die!' And then he
left without ordering! I mean considering how long he waited, you'd
think he'd at least have ordered something!"

"So I'm thinking to myself, Weird! And when I'm going home later that
night I run into this mugger. You know the routine. But I don't have
any money. So he shoots me. But I don't die. I live. Well maybe
living's the wrong word. But I don't die. And over the week I get into
all kinds of death situations. But I don't, you know? About this time
the LNH is getting started so I join up. And it's great! I'm on the
cover of TIME with Rebel Yell and the rest. I'm having the time of my non-life. It's '92 and we're the coolest thing around. And I'm the
coolest person that doesn't have a life. You remember that cover shoot?
For the TIME cover?"

"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Catalyst Lass's eyes lighted up. "Bad
Timing Boy had some case of food poisoning -- and every single time the photographer took a picture Bad Timing Boy threw up! Every single
time!" The two of them broke into laughter. "God. That was so long
ago. I was a teenager back then."

"We all were. Well except Dr. Stomper and a few others. And now we're
in our thirties. Time flies, doesn't it."

Catalyst Lass nodded. "Boy, you're sure making me feel like an old
lady! Let's change the subject! So you're invulnerable to harm?"

"Well not quite invulnerable, but I can take quite a bit of punishment.
The only place I've ever died was in the Peril Room. I'm not sure why
I'm able to die there. I guess maybe because it's not real. When I
first got it I thought it was great. But when you start thinking about
it, you realize it's a curse. You know, Cat? I've never had a
girlfriend. You know what that's like? To never have had an intimate relationship with someone? I'd look at lovers walking in the park,
holding hands. And I'd hate them. I'd hate them because they would
have something I would never experience. And what happens if I do?
Will the day I get a girlfriend be the day I die? I guess I'm never
going to find out since it's too much of a risk."

"I'm sorry." Catalyst Lass put her arm around The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. "I didn't know. But I think you're wrong.
I don't think having a girlfriend will kill you. I'm not sure how
your curse works, but there are plenty of people out there that are in relationships and they don't have lives. I've seen them."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. But it's a risk. Most of the time I don't
care. I can deal with it. I can deal with my empty life of watching TV
and screwing around on the internet. But sometimes I want to live. I
want to live so badly. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a shadow
observing life in the LNH. Occasionally speaking some dialogue and
drifting along not really contributing anything. Even when I was a
fugitive from the LNH and a member of the a.outSiders I felt more like a
guest star in the series than an actual fugitive. But when I was given
the responsibility of taking care of Cauliflower I felt like I was
finally doing something worthwhile. It gave my life some purpose
walking, feeding, and giving him baths. Well just one bath. That was
kind of a disaster now that I think about it."

Catalyst Lass snorted a small laugh.

"Cauliflower didn't really need anyone to take care of him. He was a
smart dog. Probably smarter than most of the LNH'rs. But still. I
don't know. What happens when he dies?"

"He's not going to die. We're going to save him," Catalyst Lass said
with a defiant look.

"You don't know that. Do you?"

Catalyst Lass gazed at the floor as she rested her head on her hand.
"No, you're right. I don't."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Welcome, travelers, to the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies!"

The Bandwagon landed on a relatively harmless piece of asphalt. As the
LNH'rs got out they noticed the demon who was greeting them. He looked
like a cross between a rattlesnake and the sleaziest carsalesman they
had ever seen.

"The name's Treesus Lyce and have I got a deal for you! Everything you
see is 99% off! We've got every single Christmas tree that has ever
been, here! You want a tree that gives birth to it's own Christmas
presents? We've got it! How about a tree that will make your neighbors worship you like a god? Or how about a Christmas tree that will make
your enemies turn to stone when they look at it? A Christmas tree that
writes hit singles?! A Christmas tree that can see into the future? Or
maybe a tree that can cure erectile dysfunction? Or," he said looking
at Pocket Man, "Cure baldness."

"Hey! I shave my hair this way on purpose!" said a rather defensive
Pocket Man.

"Sure. Sure, I believe you," winked Treesus Lyce.

Occultism Kid made a coughing sound. "We're looking for a tree called,
'The One True Christmas Tree.'"

"Hmm. 'The One True Christmas Tree,' really? Hmm. Can't say I've ever
heard of it. But it could be in there. You're welcome to look. You'll
have to leave the horses here. We don't allow animals in the forest."

"I'm not leaving them here!" Bandwagon Chick said in a resisting tone.
"Not alone with this creep!"

"Bandwagon Chick, they'll be fine!" It was a lie of course. Occultism
Kid didn't really know what might happen to them. And fine was probably
the last thing they would be.

"Either they go into the forest, or I'm staying here with them!"
Bandwagon Chick said with her arms wrapped tightly together. Her face
had a very nonnegotiable look to it.

Occultism Kid sighed. "Okay. Here's what I'm going to do! I'm going
to cast a spell that protects them from a demon's touch. Any demon that touches them will feel great pain." With that said Occultism Kid made a
few mystical gestures and spoke some magic words. Treesus Lyce looked
at this spectacle with great curiosity. "There. It's done. They're
perfectly safe. Will you go with us now?"

Bandwagon Chick looked at her horses and then at Occultism Kid. "Well,
okay. If you say they're safe, I guess they're safe." She walked over
to her horses and gave each one a pat and a stroke on the neck. "Guys.
I want you to stay here. I'm going to be gone for awhile. Maybe a
long time. But I'll be back. I promise. I'll be back. You be good
and stay here." She walked back to the others.

"Well, are we ready?" Occultism Kid asked. "Then let's go." As they
walked into the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies, Occultism Kid looked back
at the grinning face of Treesus Lyce and at Bandwagon Chick's horses. A
second later, he felt sick to his stomach.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Occultism Kid stopped for a bit. "I think it would be a good idea if we
held hands."

"Umm -- Any reason why?" Pocket Man questioned.

"This place is dangerous. Some of the evilest and deadliest Christmas
trees there has ever been are in this forest. If we're joined together
as one, then we'll have an easier time resisting the temptations and
seductions of the forest."

"Well, okay. But I'm not holding hands with Self-Righteous Preacher! I
don't want his fundamentalist born-again cooties!" Pocket Man said
crossing his arms.

"And I don't want your depraved hedonistic atheist cooties!!!" The
color of Self-Righteous Preacher's face almost matched the landscape.

"Oh for God's sake! Give me your damn hands!" Fuzzy said as she grabbed
both their hands. "Believe me, if either of you has cooties, then my
cooties will beat the living crap of them! I swear! And I thought
Brittany and Paytan were bad!"

After they joined hands, Kid Kirby clicked a device that helped them
levitate. With Kid Kirby leading they headed deep into the forest.

They gazed in wonder at the many amazing trees. Some were made from
jewels. Some as big as mountains. Some that seemed to be singing
beautiful music. Kid Kirby pointed to one of them. "I think I see it!
Is that the one?!"

Occultism Kid glanced at the direction Kid Kirby was pointing. It was a Christmas tree made from kirbytech and it was decorated in old issues of Fantastic Four, Captain America, and New Gods comics. "Sorry, Kid. I
don't think that's the one. Whatever the One True Tree is, it's real
not artificial. I'm sure of that. Come on. Let's keep going."

A few minutes later, Self-Righteous Preacher cried out, "There! That
has to be the one!"

Occultism Kid saw a massive glorious tree decorated in giant silver
crosses and golden bibles. There were also Jerry Falwell and Pat
Robertson decorated ornaments hanging on it.

Occultism Kid shook his head. "It's dead, Preacher. I can't feel any
life in it. All these trees are either dead or artificial. If the One
True Tree exists, it has to be alive. I don't think it will look like
much either. Do you people remember the Charlie Brown Christmas Special?"

"Oh yes!" an excited Bandwagon Chick said. "I just caught that this
year! What a great cartoon!"

"I think the One True Tree might be similar to Charlie Brown's tree.
Although of course different enough to avoid copyright infringement."

"God. There must be a trillion trees here!" Fuzzy said in a tired
voice. "It will take ages for us to find it!"

Occultism Kid nodded. "I think we should drop down for a rest." As
they hit the ground Occultism Kid let go of the hands he was holding.
"Fuzzy? Can I borrow one of your knives?"

Fuzzy handed him one of her Bowie knives. Occultism Kid used the knife
to carve an arrow into the palm of his hand.

"Ouch!" winced Pocket Man. "Umm -- Is there a reason you're doing that?
Or have you just lost your mind?"

Occultism Kid ignored Pocket Man and chanted an incantation. "There!
It's a pain compass. I figure that whatever The One True Tree looks
like, it's probably really suffering here. This compass will head me
into the direction of the most suffering in this forest. There! It's
pointing that way!"

And so they joined hands once again and followed where Occultism Kid's
compass led them.

After awhile they landed in a rather barren part of the forest. Right
in the middle of this barren wasteland was a tiny twig of a tree. It
had maybe a few sprigs of greenness and a few pinecones that hung on it.

"That's it? That's the One True Christmas Tree?!" an unimpressed Fuzzy
said.

"It's alive. And it is definitely suffering. If I were a betting man,
I'd say this was the one."

"Good enough for me!" said Pocket Man as he grabbed one of the pinecones
and stuck it in one of his pockets. "Should we take more than one?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I think it would be best if we just took
one. Hell's not the best place in the world to be greedy."

"Poor little tree," Bandwagon Chick said as she sat down on the ground
and lightly brushed it with her finger. "It's been here for an eternity
in hell suffering. We've got to save it from this place! We've got to
take it back!"

Occultism Kid went over to where Bandwagon Chick was. "I wish we could.
But it's possible that digging it from the ground would only kill it.
I'm afraid its place is here, Bandwagon Chick. We don't know why it's
here, or what it did to deserve this. Taking it with us though would jeopardize all our lives. I think we should probably be leaving now."

Pocket Man took a canteen out from one of his pockets. He opened it up
and poured the water inside it onto the tree.

"Why did you do that?" Occultism Kid asked.

"I don't know. I guess -- I guess it looked thirsty. I'm not sure. I
guess it felt like the right thing to do."

"Well. I think we better be going. The longer we stay the -- say, is
it just me, or is the temperature starting to rise?" Occultism Kid said
wiping some sweat off his temples.

"That might be causing it!" Pocket Man said pointing to something right
behind Occultism Kid.

Occultism Kid turned around and saw an enormous army of demons headed
their way. And then he looked in all directions and saw more demons
coming. Coming from the sky and the ground. Soon the entire sky had
turned into a ceiling of swarming demons.

Kid Kirby quickly took out a device, which created a force field to
protect the group. The demon, Treesus Lyce, crawled towards them.

"You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?" Treesus Lyce
waved his fingers in a naughty, naughty manner. "There's a price for everything in Hell. You of all people should know that, Occultism Kid.
Even a small pinecone."

"And what's the price?" Occultism Kid said through gritted teeth.

"Well since we're having our before Christmas blow out sale all this
week, let's see. Oh, I think if you gave us Kid Kirby that would do it.
Give us Kid Kirby and we'll give you and your merry little band back
your Bandwagon and let you go back to the living world with your
precious pinecone."

"Give us our Bandwagon back? What's he talking about?" Bandwagon Chick
said looking at Occultism Kid.

"Instead of Occultism Kid you might want to try looking at that guy over there." Treesus Lyce pointed to a gigantic King Kong sized demon
gorilla that was holding her Bandwagon and horses. "Looks like
Occultism Kid's spell didn't do too much. But then I suspect Occultism
Kid probably already knew that."

Color of Bandwagon Chick's face drained away as she saw her horses
squirming in the gorilla's grip. "You lied. God. You lied! You told
me that they'd be safe. You told me!" Her eyes blazed with furious
rage at Occultism Kid.

"Look. I had to! If I hadn't, you would have stayed and you'd be in
that ape's fist too. I'm sorry, Bandwagon Chick. I'm sorry! God, this
whole mission is going to hell. Everything's going to hell."

"Can't you just cast a spell and port us back to the living world,
Occultism Kid?" Pocket Man asked.

"No. I have vital ingredients in the Bandwagon. Even if I had them
with me -- with all the demons out there, it would be tough."

"Then I guess it is my choice to make," Kid Kirby declared. "And I
choose to stay here in Hell if that is what will help my fellow
Legionnaires!"

"No, Kid Kirby," Fuzzy said ripping the cigar out of her mouth and
throwing it to the ground. "You're not staying here. And we're not
staying here. And Bandwagon Chick's horses aren't staying here. And
we're taking that pinecone back to the living world."

"Umm, Fuzzy. As much as I admire your gung-ho spirit, incase you didn't
notice every single demon in Hell is surrounding us!" Pocket Man made a
hand wave. "Hello. Reality Check time!"

"I know that. I've got a plan. I need a Mega-phone, and enough
earplugs for each one of us, Pocket Man. Do you have those items?"

Pocket Man fumbled around in his pocket for a few seconds and finally
came up with a Mega-phone. After another few seconds, he came up with
some earplugs. "These are iPlugs. They completely block out sound and
also allow you to download music off the internet. Will they do?"

"They'll be fine." Fuzzy handed them out to each of the LNH'rs except Self-Righteous Preacher who she handed the Mega-phone to.
"Self-Righteous Preacher? I want you to convert all of these demons to Christianity."

Self-Righteous Preacher looked at Fuzzy like she had flipped her wig.
"What did you say?"

"You know what I said! I want *you* to convert all of these demons to Christianity!"

"Convert them?! They're demons! You don't convert demons!!"

"What's wrong with you, Self-Righteous Preacher? Are you some kind of
bleeding heart liberal? My God! You're the last person I would ever
expect to spout that wishy washy no interfering in other people's
cultures claptrap! You know, Preacher, that somewhere in hell, two
homosexual demons are getting married! And it's perfectly legal!
Somewhere in Hell, demons are murdering poor innocent stem cells! Some
where Demons are teaching their demon children the theory of evolution!
As if it was fact! And might I add, using the tax dollars of decent
hard working American demons! But I guess you don't care, do you?
You'll happily watch as rampant liberalism washes over Hell. I guess
that shouldn't be a surprise though. I mean, you probably voted for
John Kerry. Didn't you?"

Self-Righteous Preacher's head looked like it was ready to burst. "I.
Did. Not. Vote. For. John. Kerry!!!!!!!"

"Whoaahh there, Preacher! I believe you! But you know what I'm saying
is right? These demons need to be told how to think for their souls
sake! And if you don't tell them, then who's going to?"

"You're right!" the Preacher said having calmed down a bit. "I've got
to do this, for the sake of Hell's Soul!! I've got to stop this evil liberalism that is destroying Hell!!"

"That's the spirit, Preacher! Now I want you to shove your beliefs down
the throats of all these demons like you've never shoved your beliefs
down anyone's throat before!! No mercy, Self-Righteous Preacher!! No
mercy!! Go to it!!" Fuzzy gave the Preacher a slap on the back.

Self-Righteous Preacher rolled up both of his sleeves. And then he
grabbed his big cross in one hand and the Mega-phone in the other one.
He took a deep breath. And then he placed the Mega-phone close to his lips.

And then Self-Righteous Preacher preached like he had never preached
before. The host of Hell gazed at the Preacher, not exactly sure what
was happening. Or what had been unleashed.

Fuzzy placed both iPlugs inside her ears. And if you could have
deciphered the hazy blur that was Fuzzy's face, then you would have seen
a very wicked grin.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Six Hours Later....

"...And the Whore of Babylon did defile the Super Bowl with her wardrobe malfunction!! And so..."

Most of the demons had by now fled. What few who remained were close to
tears. Fuzzy saw a desperate Treesus Lyce trying to make contact with
her with frantic gestures. She took off her iPlugs.

"Please!! For Satan's sake!! Make him shut up! I beg you! This is
inhuman!! By the Unholy Halls of Hell, I'd thought I'd seen it all!

[continued in next message]

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:


Self-Stomach Stapler: Now you can perform the expensive hospital
surgery to lose weight in your own home!

Torn-Crumpled-Up Wrapping Paper: Why wait till someone gets you a gift
to experience the joy of torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper? Now you can
buy torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper anytime!



CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#3 (out of 4)

Cauliflower's Inferno




Irony Man observed the strange sight of two members of the LNH
attempting to feed cheesecake to Cauliflower.

"What on earth are you doing to that poor dog? What are you feeding him?"

"Umm, Liver and Tuna Fish Surprise Cheesecake?" Cheesecake Eater Lad
said with a sheepish expression. "But he likes it, really! Well, at
least he used to. We've been trying to get him to eat something."

"Yeah," the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life continued. "He hasn't been
eating or drinking anything. Not even eggnog."

"Not even eggnog? Damn! This sounds serious. How long has this been
going on?" Irony Man asked.

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life thought about it. "Oh. About a week,
I'd guess."

"You should probably get him checked out by Organic Lass," suggested
Irony Man. "Oh, and have you tried feeding him Cauliflower?"

"Cauliflower?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life shook his head. "He
hates Cauliflower."

"Weird." Irony Man rubbed his chin. "A dog named Cauliflower that
doesn't like to eat Cauliflower. Hmm. There's a literary expression
for that sort of thing, but I can't remember off hand what it is."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Organic Lass listened to Cauliflower's heartbeat with her stethoscope as Cauliflower slept on one of her examining table. A variety of tubes and
wires were stuck into him.

"Well?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life asked Organic Lass as she
finished with her last test. "What's the verdict?"

"It's hard to say. But whatever it is, it's not good. He has a very
high fever; and various organs such as his liver, lungs, and kidneys are starting to deteriorate. I don't know where to start since I've never
seen anything quite like this. My one guess though is that he might
have picked this up from that girl. You know? The one that had cancer,
but now is cured."

"You think she gave him this? She made him sick?"

"Well, I don't think she intended to if that's what you're asking. I'm
not sure about how Cauliflower's powers work, but I think he might have
made an attempt to cure the girl and in doing so might have absorbed her disease into his own body. I've made a few calls to the hospital and
there are some similarities to the disease she had, and that Cauliflower
now has. But there are also differences. The disease Cauliflower has
seems to be even deadlier. This might be due to the fact that he's a
dog or maybe because of his powers."

"Do you think you can save him?"

"I'm not sure. I'm good with humans, cyborgs, mutants, but animals?
What Cauliflower really needs is to be examined by an expert in
veterinary medicine."

"So who's the best?"

"Well," Organic Lass said as she recalled someone from her past. "There
was this guy who I went to medical school with, actually we dated once.
He was probably one of the greatest minds in veterinarian science. He
might be tough to get though."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --

A trenchcoated superhero escorted by a number of federal agents walked
through a corridor. On both sides of him were glass cages filled with
some of the lamest and most inane supervillains the Looniverse had ever
known.

He walked past a man in a bear suit jumping rope -- using threads of
conflict. He walked past a man wearing a diving helmet and a gorilla
suit who kept shouting, "CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" over and over again. He
walked past a man in a labcoat covered in F's who seemed to be
attempting to perform surgery on his own brain. And finally he stopped
right at the cage of the man he needed to see.

In the cage was a man in a labcoat who was busy dissecting some kind of
rat. In the background he could hear Rex Harrison singing, 'If I could
talk to the animals'. This man went by the name Fred Shed, but to the
world outside? To the world outside (or at least to the people who care
about obscure third rate villains) he was known as...

....VAPID VETERINARIAN!!!!

"Vell, Continuity Champ! Ve veet again!"

"Continuity Champ? I'm not Continuity Champ! I look nothing at all
like him! I'm Fearless Leader! Second in command of the LNH!"

"Vell zorry! Vafter vuvwhile you Zupers zart to look ve zame! Vand vhy
if you're named Vearless Leader var you zecond in command? Shouldn't
you ve named Vearless Zecond in Command?"

"Look!" said Fearless Leader starting to get a little bit irritated.
"If you knew my complex backhistory, you'd know that I have some valid
reasons for being named Fearless Leader. But I really don't have the
time right now to get into that! I'm here because the LNH has need of
your services. There's an animal that's very sick and we need a person
of your skills to look at him. The LNH is willing to pull some strings
to get you a Presidential Pardon if you're able to save him."

"Vah! Ve Vlot Vickens! Ve VelNH muzt ve dezperate if vey need vhy help
zo vadly! Vell you vhat, I'll zave vis vanimal if you give me Vifty
Villion Dollers vand Ve Prezidential Vardon!"

"Vifty Villion...! I mean -- Fifty Million Dollars! My God! Don't you
have a heart, Vapid Veterinarian!? Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch is right now dying of some fatal disease and..."

"Vait! Did you zay, Caulivlower ve Christmas Viracle Vooch?!"

"Yes, Caulivlower -- I mean Cauliflower -- is dying and you're.."

"Vell vor Vahgnur's Zake, vhy didn't you zay zo in ve virst place! I'd
take a vullet ver that vurry vittle guy! He's vhy varorite VelNH'r!"
Vapid Veterinarian stood up from his chair. "Vell? Vhat var ve vaiting
vor? Vet's Zave Him!!!"

Fearless Leader a bit surprised at this sudden shift eventually got back
on track and said, "Umm, sure. You're right! Let's go!"

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life leaned back on a chair reading a
magazine. He was sitting next to a closed door, which on the other side
of held the brilliant minds of Dr. Stomper, Organic Lass, and the
supervillain Vapid Veterinarian. The three scientists were working hard
on saving Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch. And The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life waited. He had nothing else better to do.

"Hey, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life." said Special Bonding Boy in a
sympathetic voice. "How's it going in there? Have you heard anything?"

"Nah. Occasionally someone like Steak and Potatoes Man comes around and delivers some food and occasionally one of them comes out and says that
they're making progress. But I don't know what's going on in there.
I'm just waiting."

"Well, I'm sure it's going to be okay in the end!" Special Bonding Boy
said trying to cheer The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life up a little bit.
"Look, there's this candle light vigil that we're going to be holding
tonight for Cauliflower. It's going to be at RAC Arthur Park. I
believe that President Hex Luthor is going to be there and give a
speech. I was wondering if you would like to go?"

"Thanks. I'd like too, but I don't know. I think I'll just stay here.
And wait."

"Well," Special Bonding Boy said as he gave The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life a pat on the shoulder, "If you change your
mind the vigil will start at 6PM. I just want you to know that
Cauliflower's in all our prayers. Well, see you." Special Bonding Boy
smiled as he waved bye to The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life

"Thanks again. Later." Before The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life could
return to his magazine he was interrupted once again.

"did you here the news?" said a blue skinned midget with a very high
voice who was wearing lots of armor, rings, and amulets.

"No? What news, Munchkin Man?"

"occultism kid found this obscure passage in one of his spell books! it involves this tree called the one true christmas tree! it says that
whoever eats a pinecone off this tree and believes in the power of
christmas shall be healed of all sickness and be given eternal life!
and of course if there is one person or dog that believes in the power
of christmas it has to be cauliflower, right? so occultism kid with
ultimate ninja's permission formed a team to look for this tree! bandwagonchick, kid kirby, pocket man, fuzzy, and self-righteous
preacher! they left this morning to go and find it!"

"This is great! So where did they go? Where's the One True Christmas
Tree found?"

"hell. would have gone too, but i seem to have misplaced my Slingshot
of Mass Demon Genocide [+1000]. oh well."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"You know? I think we should have taken a left turn at Alt.uquerque!"

A bandwagon led by spectral horses flew through a blood stained
landscape. A place that smelled like brimstone, sounded like a
murderous scream, and felt like an out of control blow dryer. A
cosmically armored god flew beside it and occasionally blasted away at
the various winged abominations coming near it.

"Alt.uquerque? Where did you get that map, Pocket Man? Exactly?" asked Occultism Kid.

"Umm? From pocket #666. It contains all kinds of satanic stuff.
Including maps of Hell!"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "As far as I'm aware there's no
Alt.uquerque in Hell. Well as far as I'm aware."

"Nope," Pocket Man said pointing to the map. "It says here
Alt.uquerque! And if we keep going in this direction we're going to be
hitting Springerville, A.rec.zo.net soon!"

"Give me that map!" Fuzzy said as she tore the map from Pocket Man's
grasp. "This isn't a map of Hell! This is a map of the Southwest you
idiot!!"

"You sure? Hmm -- guess that *would* explain all those eerie coincidences!"

Another demon flew close to the Bandwagon trying to claw its way inside.
Fuzzy blasted it with her AK-47.

"Dammit, Preacher! I thought you had the power to banish demons! Why
aren't you doing something?!" Fuzzy said as she took another shot.

Self-Righteous Preacher looked up from his Bible. "I can banish demons
back to the hell that spawned them. Since we're in hell, all I can do
is send them here!"

"You know," Occultism Kid said as he whipped up another attack spell,
"You might have mentioned that to me before I allowed you to join this
party!"

"I fear not these demons! For those who are righteous with the ways of
the Lord shall be protected from the shadows of wickedness!"

"And the rest of us?" Pocket Man said wiping sweat from his brow.
"We're screwed. Right? You know, Bandwagon Chick? I think maybe we
should follow Kid Kirby. He seems to know where we're headed."

"Duh! That's what I've been doing! I'm not an idiot!" Bandwagon Chick
said as she gripped the reigns to her horses tightly. Kid Kirby flew
straight into the Jaws of Hell. And the Bandwagon followed.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Cat? Have I ever told you my origin?"

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life and Catalyst Lass waited outside the
sickroom that Cauliflower was hanging onto life in. They had been
talking about all kinds of things to pass away the boredom of waiting.

"No. You never have. I'd love to hear it," Catalyst Lass said with the
warm sort of smile that only she could give.

"Well you see I was working at this place. Quickie Burger? I think
that's what it was. So a friend drops by while I'm manning the counter.
We get to talking. All kinds of stuff. You know hot girls. Comic
Books. All kinds of stuff. And there's this old man waiting in line.
And I must have been talking along time with my friend. And the old
man's getting really irritated. But I still keep on talking. And the
old guy? He just keeps waiting! Most people would have left in disgust
by that time, but not this old guy. He keeps waiting and waiting. And
I'm thinking to myself, this guy must have no life whatsoever! And so
after an hour or so my friend has to go and the guy -- he's still there!
So I ask him what he'd like to order. And this guy -- this guy just
let's me have. He gives me this long lecture about courtesy to
customers. And then the whammie. He gives me the curse! And this is
what he said, 'You shall live forever, but you shall never have a life.
And the day you get a life shall be the day you die!' And then he
left without ordering! I mean considering how long he waited, you'd
think he'd at least have ordered something!"

"So I'm thinking to myself, Weird! And when I'm going home later that
night I run into this mugger. You know the routine. But I don't have
any money. So he shoots me. But I don't die. I live. Well maybe
living's the wrong word. But I don't die. And over the week I get into
all kinds of death situations. But I don't, you know? About this time
the LNH is getting started so I join up. And it's great! I'm on the
cover of TIME with Rebel Yell and the rest. I'm having the time of my non-life. It's '92 and we're the coolest thing around. And I'm the
coolest person that doesn't have a life. You remember that cover shoot?
For the TIME cover?"

"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Catalyst Lass's eyes lighted up. "Bad
Timing Boy had some case of food poisoning -- and every single time the photographer took a picture Bad Timing Boy threw up! Every single
time!" The two of them broke into laughter. "God. That was so long
ago. I was a teenager back then."

"We all were. Well except Dr. Stomper and a few others. And now we're
in our thirties. Time flies, doesn't it."

Catalyst Lass nodded. "Boy, you're sure making me feel like an old
lady! Let's change the subject! So you're invulnerable to harm?"

"Well not quite invulnerable, but I can take quite a bit of punishment.
The only place I've ever died was in the Peril Room. I'm not sure why
I'm able to die there. I guess maybe because it's not real. When I
first got it I thought it was great. But when you start thinking about
it, you realize it's a curse. You know, Cat? I've never had a
girlfriend. You know what that's like? To never have had an intimate relationship with someone? I'd look at lovers walking in the park,
holding hands. And I'd hate them. I'd hate them because they would
have something I would never experience. And what happens if I do?
Will the day I get a girlfriend be the day I die? I guess I'm never
going to find out since it's too much of a risk."

"I'm sorry." Catalyst Lass put her arm around The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. "I didn't know. But I think you're wrong.
I don't think having a girlfriend will kill you. I'm not sure how
your curse works, but there are plenty of people out there that are in relationships and they don't have lives. I've seen them."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. But it's a risk. Most of the time I don't
care. I can deal with it. I can deal with my empty life of watching TV
and screwing around on the internet. But sometimes I want to live. I
want to live so badly. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a shadow
observing life in the LNH. Occasionally speaking some dialogue and
drifting along not really contributing anything. Even when I was a
fugitive from the LNH and a member of the a.outSiders I felt more like a
guest star in the series than an actual fugitive. But when I was given
the responsibility of taking care of Cauliflower I felt like I was
finally doing something worthwhile. It gave my life some purpose
walking, feeding, and giving him baths. Well just one bath. That was
kind of a disaster now that I think about it."

Catalyst Lass snorted a small laugh.

"Cauliflower didn't really need anyone to take care of him. He was a
smart dog. Probably smarter than most of the LNH'rs. But still. I
don't know. What happens when he dies?"

"He's not going to die. We're going to save him," Catalyst Lass said
with a defiant look.

"You don't know that. Do you?"

Catalyst Lass gazed at the floor as she rested her head on her hand.
"No, you're right. I don't."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Welcome, travelers, to the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies!"

The Bandwagon landed on a relatively harmless piece of asphalt. As the
LNH'rs got out they noticed the demon who was greeting them. He looked
like a cross between a rattlesnake and the sleaziest carsalesman they
had ever seen.

"The name's Treesus Lyce and have I got a deal for you! Everything you
see is 99% off! We've got every single Christmas tree that has ever
been, here! You want a tree that gives birth to it's own Christmas
presents? We've got it! How about a tree that will make your neighbors worship you like a god? Or how about a Christmas tree that will make
your enemies turn to stone when they look at it? A Christmas tree that
writes hit singles?! A Christmas tree that can see into the future? Or
maybe a tree that can cure erectile dysfunction? Or," he said looking
at Pocket Man, "Cure baldness."

"Hey! I shave my hair this way on purpose!" said a rather defensive
Pocket Man.

"Sure. Sure, I believe you," winked Treesus Lyce.

Occultism Kid made a coughing sound. "We're looking for a tree called,
'The One True Christmas Tree.'"

"Hmm. 'The One True Christmas Tree,' really? Hmm. Can't say I've ever
heard of it. But it could be in there. You're welcome to look. You'll
have to leave the horses here. We don't allow animals in the forest."

"I'm not leaving them here!" Bandwagon Chick said in a resisting tone.
"Not alone with this creep!"

"Bandwagon Chick, they'll be fine!" It was a lie of course. Occultism
Kid didn't really know what might happen to them. And fine was probably
the last thing they would be.

"Either they go into the forest, or I'm staying here with them!"
Bandwagon Chick said with her arms wrapped tightly together. Her face
had a very nonnegotiable look to it.

Occultism Kid sighed. "Okay. Here's what I'm going to do! I'm going
to cast a spell that protects them from a demon's touch. Any demon that touches them will feel great pain." With that said Occultism Kid made a
few mystical gestures and spoke some magic words. Treesus Lyce looked
at this spectacle with great curiosity. "There. It's done. They're
perfectly safe. Will you go with us now?"

Bandwagon Chick looked at her horses and then at Occultism Kid. "Well,
okay. If you say they're safe, I guess they're safe." She walked over
to her horses and gave each one a pat and a stroke on the neck. "Guys.
I want you to stay here. I'm going to be gone for awhile. Maybe a
long time. But I'll be back. I promise. I'll be back. You be good
and stay here." She walked back to the others.

"Well, are we ready?" Occultism Kid asked. "Then let's go." As they
walked into the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies, Occultism Kid looked back
at the grinning face of Treesus Lyce and at Bandwagon Chick's horses. A
second later, he felt sick to his stomach.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Occultism Kid stopped for a bit. "I think it would be a good idea if we
held hands."

"Umm -- Any reason why?" Pocket Man questioned.

"This place is dangerous. Some of the evilest and deadliest Christmas
trees there has ever been are in this forest. If we're joined together
as one, then we'll have an easier time resisting the temptations and
seductions of the forest."

"Well, okay. But I'm not holding hands with Self-Righteous Preacher! I
don't want his fundamentalist born-again cooties!" Pocket Man said
crossing his arms.

"And I don't want your depraved hedonistic atheist cooties!!!" The
color of Self-Righteous Preacher's face almost matched the landscape.

"Oh for God's sake! Give me your damn hands!" Fuzzy said as she grabbed
both their hands. "Believe me, if either of you has cooties, then my
cooties will beat the living crap of them! I swear! And I thought
Brittany and Paytan were bad!"

After they joined hands, Kid Kirby clicked a device that helped them
levitate. With Kid Kirby leading they headed deep into the forest.

They gazed in wonder at the many amazing trees. Some were made from
jewels. Some as big as mountains. Some that seemed to be singing
beautiful music. Kid Kirby pointed to one of them. "I think I see it!
Is that the one?!"

Occultism Kid glanced at the direction Kid Kirby was pointing. It was a Christmas tree made from kirbytech and it was decorated in old issues of Fantastic Four, Captain America, and New Gods comics. "Sorry, Kid. I
don't think that's the one. Whatever the One True Tree is, it's real
not artificial. I'm sure of that. Come on. Let's keep going."

A few minutes later, Self-Righteous Preacher cried out, "There! That
has to be the one!"

Occultism Kid saw a massive glorious tree decorated in giant silver
crosses and golden bibles. There were also Jerry Falwell and Pat
Robertson decorated ornaments hanging on it.

Occultism Kid shook his head. "It's dead, Preacher. I can't feel any
life in it. All these trees are either dead or artificial. If the One
True Tree exists, it has to be alive. I don't think it will look like
much either. Do you people remember the Charlie Brown Christmas Special?"

"Oh yes!" an excited Bandwagon Chick said. "I just caught that this
year! What a great cartoon!"

"I think the One True Tree might be similar to Charlie Brown's tree.
Although of course different enough to avoid copyright infringement."

"God. There must be a trillion trees here!" Fuzzy said in a tired
voice. "It will take ages for us to find it!"

Occultism Kid nodded. "I think we should drop down for a rest." As
they hit the ground Occultism Kid let go of the hands he was holding.
"Fuzzy? Can I borrow one of your knives?"

Fuzzy handed him one of her Bowie knives. Occultism Kid used the knife
to carve an arrow into the palm of his hand.

"Ouch!" winced Pocket Man. "Umm -- Is there a reason you're doing that?
Or have you just lost your mind?"

Occultism Kid ignored Pocket Man and chanted an incantation. "There!
It's a pain compass. I figure that whatever The One True Tree looks
like, it's probably really suffering here. This compass will head me
into the direction of the most suffering in this forest. There! It's
pointing that way!"

And so they joined hands once again and followed where Occultism Kid's
compass led them.

After awhile they landed in a rather barren part of the forest. Right
in the middle of this barren wasteland was a tiny twig of a tree. It
had maybe a few sprigs of greenness and a few pinecones that hung on it.

"That's it? That's the One True Christmas Tree?!" an unimpressed Fuzzy
said.

"It's alive. And it is definitely suffering. If I were a betting man,
I'd say this was the one."

"Good enough for me!" said Pocket Man as he grabbed one of the pinecones
and stuck it in one of his pockets. "Should we take more than one?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I think it would be best if we just took
one. Hell's not the best place in the world to be greedy."

"Poor little tree," Bandwagon Chick said as she sat down on the ground
and lightly brushed it with her finger. "It's been here for an eternity
in hell suffering. We've got to save it from this place! We've got to
take it back!"

Occultism Kid went over to where Bandwagon Chick was. "I wish we could.
But it's possible that digging it from the ground would only kill it.
I'm afraid its place is here, Bandwagon Chick. We don't know why it's
here, or what it did to deserve this. Taking it with us though would jeopardize all our lives. I think we should probably be leaving now."

Pocket Man took a canteen out from one of his pockets. He opened it up
and poured the water inside it onto the tree.

"Why did you do that?" Occultism Kid asked.

"I don't know. I guess -- I guess it looked thirsty. I'm not sure. I
guess it felt like the right thing to do."

"Well. I think we better be going. The longer we stay the -- say, is
it just me, or is the temperature starting to rise?" Occultism Kid said
wiping some sweat off his temples.

"That might be causing it!" Pocket Man said pointing to something right
behind Occultism Kid.

Occultism Kid turned around and saw an enormous army of demons headed
their way. And then he looked in all directions and saw more demons
coming. Coming from the sky and the ground. Soon the entire sky had
turned into a ceiling of swarming demons.

Kid Kirby quickly took out a device, which created a force field to
protect the group. The demon, Treesus Lyce, crawled towards them.

"You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?" Treesus Lyce
waved his fingers in a naughty, naughty manner. "There's a price for everything in Hell. You of all people should know that, Occultism Kid.
Even a small pinecone."

"And what's the price?" Occultism Kid said through gritted teeth.

"Well since we're having our before Christmas blow out sale all this
week, let's see. Oh, I think if you gave us Kid Kirby that would do it.
Give us Kid Kirby and we'll give you and your merry little band back
your Bandwagon and let you go back to the living world with your
precious pinecone."

"Give us our Bandwagon back? What's he talking about?" Bandwagon Chick
said looking at Occultism Kid.

"Instead of Occultism Kid you might want to try looking at that guy over there." Treesus Lyce pointed to a gigantic King Kong sized demon
gorilla that was holding her Bandwagon and horses. "Looks like
Occultism Kid's spell didn't do too much. But then I suspect Occultism
Kid probably already knew that."

Color of Bandwagon Chick's face drained away as she saw her horses
squirming in the gorilla's grip. "You lied. God. You lied! You told
me that they'd be safe. You told me!" Her eyes blazed with furious
rage at Occultism Kid.

"Look. I had to! If I hadn't, you would have stayed and you'd be in
that ape's fist too. I'm sorry, Bandwagon Chick. I'm sorry! God, this
whole mission is going to hell. Everything's going to hell."

"Can't you just cast a spell and port us back to the living world,
Occultism Kid?" Pocket Man asked.

"No. I have vital ingredients in the Bandwagon. Even if I had them
with me -- with all the demons out there, it would be tough."

"Then I guess it is my choice to make," Kid Kirby declared. "And I
choose to stay here in Hell if that is what will help my fellow
Legionnaires!"

"No, Kid Kirby," Fuzzy said ripping the cigar out of her mouth and
throwing it to the ground. "You're not staying here. And we're not
staying here. And Bandwagon Chick's horses aren't staying here. And
we're taking that pinecone back to the living world."

"Umm, Fuzzy. As much as I admire your gung-ho spirit, incase you didn't
notice every single demon in Hell is surrounding us!" Pocket Man made a
hand wave. "Hello. Reality Check time!"

"I know that. I've got a plan. I need a Mega-phone, and enough
earplugs for each one of us, Pocket Man. Do you have those items?"

Pocket Man fumbled around in his pocket for a few seconds and finally
came up with a Mega-phone. After another few seconds, he came up with
some earplugs. "These are iPlugs. They completely block out sound and
also allow you to download music off the internet. Will they do?"

"They'll be fine." Fuzzy handed them out to each of the LNH'rs except Self-Righteous Preacher who she handed the Mega-phone to.
"Self-Righteous Preacher? I want you to convert all of these demons to Christianity."

Self-Righteous Preacher looked at Fuzzy like she had flipped her wig.
"What did you say?"

"You know what I said! I want *you* to convert all of these demons to Christianity!"

"Convert them?! They're demons! You don't convert demons!!"

"What's wrong with you, Self-Righteous Preacher? Are you some kind of
bleeding heart liberal? My God! You're the last person I would ever
expect to spout that wishy washy no interfering in other people's
cultures claptrap! You know, Preacher, that somewhere in hell, two
homosexual demons are getting married! And it's perfectly legal!
Somewhere in Hell, demons are murdering poor innocent stem cells! Some
where Demons are teaching their demon children the theory of evolution!
As if it was fact! And might I add, using the tax dollars of decent
hard working American demons! But I guess you don't care, do you?
You'll happily watch as rampant liberalism washes over Hell. I guess
that shouldn't be a surprise though. I mean, you probably voted for
John Kerry. Didn't you?"

Self-Righteous Preacher's head looked like it was ready to burst. "I.
Did. Not. Vote. For. John. Kerry!!!!!!!"

"Whoaahh there, Preacher! I believe you! But you know what I'm saying
is right? These demons need to be told how to think for their souls
sake! And if you don't tell them, then who's going to?"

"You're right!" the Preacher said having calmed down a bit. "I've got
to do this, for the sake of Hell's Soul!! I've got to stop this evil liberalism that is destroying Hell!!"

"That's the spirit, Preacher! Now I want you to shove your beliefs down
the throats of all these demons like you've never shoved your beliefs
down anyone's throat before!! No mercy, Self-Righteous Preacher!! No
mercy!! Go to it!!" Fuzzy gave the Preacher a slap on the back.

Self-Righteous Preacher rolled up both of his sleeves. And then he
grabbed his big cross in one hand and the Mega-phone in the other one.
He took a deep breath. And then he placed the Mega-phone close to his lips.

And then Self-Righteous Preacher preached like he had never preached
before. The host of Hell gazed at the Preacher, not exactly sure what
was happening. Or what had been unleashed.

Fuzzy placed both iPlugs inside her ears. And if you could have
deciphered the hazy blur that was Fuzzy's face, then you would have seen
a very wicked grin.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Six Hours Later....

"...And the Whore of Babylon did defile the Super Bowl with her wardrobe malfunction!! And so..."

Most of the demons had by now fled. What few who remained were close to
tears. Fuzzy saw a desperate Treesus Lyce trying to make contact with
her with frantic gestures. She took off her iPlugs.

"Please!! For Satan's sake!! Make him shut up! I beg you! This is
inhuman!! By the Unholy Halls of Hell, I'd thought I'd seen it all!

[continued in next message]

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:


Self-Stomach Stapler: Now you can perform the expensive hospital
surgery to lose weight in your own home!

Torn-Crumpled-Up Wrapping Paper: Why wait till someone gets you a gift
to experience the joy of torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper? Now you can
buy torn-crumpled-up wrapping paper anytime!



CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#3 (out of 4)

Cauliflower's Inferno




Irony Man observed the strange sight of two members of the LNH
attempting to feed cheesecake to Cauliflower.

"What on earth are you doing to that poor dog? What are you feeding him?"

"Umm, Liver and Tuna Fish Surprise Cheesecake?" Cheesecake Eater Lad
said with a sheepish expression. "But he likes it, really! Well, at
least he used to. We've been trying to get him to eat something."

"Yeah," the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life continued. "He hasn't been
eating or drinking anything. Not even eggnog."

"Not even eggnog? Damn! This sounds serious. How long has this been
going on?" Irony Man asked.

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life thought about it. "Oh. About a week,
I'd guess."

"You should probably get him checked out by Organic Lass," suggested
Irony Man. "Oh, and have you tried feeding him Cauliflower?"

"Cauliflower?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life shook his head. "He
hates Cauliflower."

"Weird." Irony Man rubbed his chin. "A dog named Cauliflower that
doesn't like to eat Cauliflower. Hmm. There's a literary expression
for that sort of thing, but I can't remember off hand what it is."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Organic Lass listened to Cauliflower's heartbeat with her stethoscope as Cauliflower slept on one of her examining table. A variety of tubes and
wires were stuck into him.

"Well?" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life asked Organic Lass as she
finished with her last test. "What's the verdict?"

"It's hard to say. But whatever it is, it's not good. He has a very
high fever; and various organs such as his liver, lungs, and kidneys are starting to deteriorate. I don't know where to start since I've never
seen anything quite like this. My one guess though is that he might
have picked this up from that girl. You know? The one that had cancer,
but now is cured."

"You think she gave him this? She made him sick?"

"Well, I don't think she intended to if that's what you're asking. I'm
not sure about how Cauliflower's powers work, but I think he might have
made an attempt to cure the girl and in doing so might have absorbed her disease into his own body. I've made a few calls to the hospital and
there are some similarities to the disease she had, and that Cauliflower
now has. But there are also differences. The disease Cauliflower has
seems to be even deadlier. This might be due to the fact that he's a
dog or maybe because of his powers."

"Do you think you can save him?"

"I'm not sure. I'm good with humans, cyborgs, mutants, but animals?
What Cauliflower really needs is to be examined by an expert in
veterinary medicine."

"So who's the best?"

"Well," Organic Lass said as she recalled someone from her past. "There
was this guy who I went to medical school with, actually we dated once.
He was probably one of the greatest minds in veterinarian science. He
might be tough to get though."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --

A trenchcoated superhero escorted by a number of federal agents walked
through a corridor. On both sides of him were glass cages filled with
some of the lamest and most inane supervillains the Looniverse had ever
known.

He walked past a man in a bear suit jumping rope -- using threads of
conflict. He walked past a man wearing a diving helmet and a gorilla
suit who kept shouting, "CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" over and over again. He
walked past a man in a labcoat covered in F's who seemed to be
attempting to perform surgery on his own brain. And finally he stopped
right at the cage of the man he needed to see.

In the cage was a man in a labcoat who was busy dissecting some kind of
rat. In the background he could hear Rex Harrison singing, 'If I could
talk to the animals'. This man went by the name Fred Shed, but to the
world outside? To the world outside (or at least to the people who care
about obscure third rate villains) he was known as...

....VAPID VETERINARIAN!!!!

"Vell, Continuity Champ! Ve veet again!"

"Continuity Champ? I'm not Continuity Champ! I look nothing at all
like him! I'm Fearless Leader! Second in command of the LNH!"

"Vell zorry! Vafter vuvwhile you Zupers zart to look ve zame! Vand vhy
if you're named Vearless Leader var you zecond in command? Shouldn't
you ve named Vearless Zecond in Command?"

"Look!" said Fearless Leader starting to get a little bit irritated.
"If you knew my complex backhistory, you'd know that I have some valid
reasons for being named Fearless Leader. But I really don't have the
time right now to get into that! I'm here because the LNH has need of
your services. There's an animal that's very sick and we need a person
of your skills to look at him. The LNH is willing to pull some strings
to get you a Presidential Pardon if you're able to save him."

"Vah! Ve Vlot Vickens! Ve VelNH muzt ve dezperate if vey need vhy help
zo vadly! Vell you vhat, I'll zave vis vanimal if you give me Vifty
Villion Dollers vand Ve Prezidential Vardon!"

"Vifty Villion...! I mean -- Fifty Million Dollars! My God! Don't you
have a heart, Vapid Veterinarian!? Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch is right now dying of some fatal disease and..."

"Vait! Did you zay, Caulivlower ve Christmas Viracle Vooch?!"

"Yes, Caulivlower -- I mean Cauliflower -- is dying and you're.."

"Vell vor Vahgnur's Zake, vhy didn't you zay zo in ve virst place! I'd
take a vullet ver that vurry vittle guy! He's vhy varorite VelNH'r!"
Vapid Veterinarian stood up from his chair. "Vell? Vhat var ve vaiting
vor? Vet's Zave Him!!!"

Fearless Leader a bit surprised at this sudden shift eventually got back
on track and said, "Umm, sure. You're right! Let's go!"

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life leaned back on a chair reading a
magazine. He was sitting next to a closed door, which on the other side
of held the brilliant minds of Dr. Stomper, Organic Lass, and the
supervillain Vapid Veterinarian. The three scientists were working hard
on saving Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch. And The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life waited. He had nothing else better to do.

"Hey, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life." said Special Bonding Boy in a
sympathetic voice. "How's it going in there? Have you heard anything?"

"Nah. Occasionally someone like Steak and Potatoes Man comes around and delivers some food and occasionally one of them comes out and says that
they're making progress. But I don't know what's going on in there.
I'm just waiting."

"Well, I'm sure it's going to be okay in the end!" Special Bonding Boy
said trying to cheer The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life up a little bit.
"Look, there's this candle light vigil that we're going to be holding
tonight for Cauliflower. It's going to be at RAC Arthur Park. I
believe that President Hex Luthor is going to be there and give a
speech. I was wondering if you would like to go?"

"Thanks. I'd like too, but I don't know. I think I'll just stay here.
And wait."

"Well," Special Bonding Boy said as he gave The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life a pat on the shoulder, "If you change your
mind the vigil will start at 6PM. I just want you to know that
Cauliflower's in all our prayers. Well, see you." Special Bonding Boy
smiled as he waved bye to The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life

"Thanks again. Later." Before The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life could
return to his magazine he was interrupted once again.

"did you here the news?" said a blue skinned midget with a very high
voice who was wearing lots of armor, rings, and amulets.

"No? What news, Munchkin Man?"

"occultism kid found this obscure passage in one of his spell books! it involves this tree called the one true christmas tree! it says that
whoever eats a pinecone off this tree and believes in the power of
christmas shall be healed of all sickness and be given eternal life!
and of course if there is one person or dog that believes in the power
of christmas it has to be cauliflower, right? so occultism kid with
ultimate ninja's permission formed a team to look for this tree! bandwagonchick, kid kirby, pocket man, fuzzy, and self-righteous
preacher! they left this morning to go and find it!"

"This is great! So where did they go? Where's the One True Christmas
Tree found?"

"hell. would have gone too, but i seem to have misplaced my Slingshot
of Mass Demon Genocide [+1000]. oh well."


| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"You know? I think we should have taken a left turn at Alt.uquerque!"

A bandwagon led by spectral horses flew through a blood stained
landscape. A place that smelled like brimstone, sounded like a
murderous scream, and felt like an out of control blow dryer. A
cosmically armored god flew beside it and occasionally blasted away at
the various winged abominations coming near it.

"Alt.uquerque? Where did you get that map, Pocket Man? Exactly?" asked Occultism Kid.

"Umm? From pocket #666. It contains all kinds of satanic stuff.
Including maps of Hell!"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "As far as I'm aware there's no
Alt.uquerque in Hell. Well as far as I'm aware."

"Nope," Pocket Man said pointing to the map. "It says here
Alt.uquerque! And if we keep going in this direction we're going to be
hitting Springerville, A.rec.zo.net soon!"

"Give me that map!" Fuzzy said as she tore the map from Pocket Man's
grasp. "This isn't a map of Hell! This is a map of the Southwest you
idiot!!"

"You sure? Hmm -- guess that *would* explain all those eerie coincidences!"

Another demon flew close to the Bandwagon trying to claw its way inside.
Fuzzy blasted it with her AK-47.

"Dammit, Preacher! I thought you had the power to banish demons! Why
aren't you doing something?!" Fuzzy said as she took another shot.

Self-Righteous Preacher looked up from his Bible. "I can banish demons
back to the hell that spawned them. Since we're in hell, all I can do
is send them here!"

"You know," Occultism Kid said as he whipped up another attack spell,
"You might have mentioned that to me before I allowed you to join this
party!"

"I fear not these demons! For those who are righteous with the ways of
the Lord shall be protected from the shadows of wickedness!"

"And the rest of us?" Pocket Man said wiping sweat from his brow.
"We're screwed. Right? You know, Bandwagon Chick? I think maybe we
should follow Kid Kirby. He seems to know where we're headed."

"Duh! That's what I've been doing! I'm not an idiot!" Bandwagon Chick
said as she gripped the reigns to her horses tightly. Kid Kirby flew
straight into the Jaws of Hell. And the Bandwagon followed.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Cat? Have I ever told you my origin?"

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life and Catalyst Lass waited outside the
sickroom that Cauliflower was hanging onto life in. They had been
talking about all kinds of things to pass away the boredom of waiting.

"No. You never have. I'd love to hear it," Catalyst Lass said with the
warm sort of smile that only she could give.

"Well you see I was working at this place. Quickie Burger? I think
that's what it was. So a friend drops by while I'm manning the counter.
We get to talking. All kinds of stuff. You know hot girls. Comic
Books. All kinds of stuff. And there's this old man waiting in line.
And I must have been talking along time with my friend. And the old
man's getting really irritated. But I still keep on talking. And the
old guy? He just keeps waiting! Most people would have left in disgust
by that time, but not this old guy. He keeps waiting and waiting. And
I'm thinking to myself, this guy must have no life whatsoever! And so
after an hour or so my friend has to go and the guy -- he's still there!
So I ask him what he'd like to order. And this guy -- this guy just
let's me have. He gives me this long lecture about courtesy to
customers. And then the whammie. He gives me the curse! And this is
what he said, 'You shall live forever, but you shall never have a life.
And the day you get a life shall be the day you die!' And then he
left without ordering! I mean considering how long he waited, you'd
think he'd at least have ordered something!"

"So I'm thinking to myself, Weird! And when I'm going home later that
night I run into this mugger. You know the routine. But I don't have
any money. So he shoots me. But I don't die. I live. Well maybe
living's the wrong word. But I don't die. And over the week I get into
all kinds of death situations. But I don't, you know? About this time
the LNH is getting started so I join up. And it's great! I'm on the
cover of TIME with Rebel Yell and the rest. I'm having the time of my non-life. It's '92 and we're the coolest thing around. And I'm the
coolest person that doesn't have a life. You remember that cover shoot?
For the TIME cover?"

"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Catalyst Lass's eyes lighted up. "Bad
Timing Boy had some case of food poisoning -- and every single time the photographer took a picture Bad Timing Boy threw up! Every single
time!" The two of them broke into laughter. "God. That was so long
ago. I was a teenager back then."

"We all were. Well except Dr. Stomper and a few others. And now we're
in our thirties. Time flies, doesn't it."

Catalyst Lass nodded. "Boy, you're sure making me feel like an old
lady! Let's change the subject! So you're invulnerable to harm?"

"Well not quite invulnerable, but I can take quite a bit of punishment.
The only place I've ever died was in the Peril Room. I'm not sure why
I'm able to die there. I guess maybe because it's not real. When I
first got it I thought it was great. But when you start thinking about
it, you realize it's a curse. You know, Cat? I've never had a
girlfriend. You know what that's like? To never have had an intimate relationship with someone? I'd look at lovers walking in the park,
holding hands. And I'd hate them. I'd hate them because they would
have something I would never experience. And what happens if I do?
Will the day I get a girlfriend be the day I die? I guess I'm never
going to find out since it's too much of a risk."

"I'm sorry." Catalyst Lass put her arm around The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. "I didn't know. But I think you're wrong.
I don't think having a girlfriend will kill you. I'm not sure how
your curse works, but there are plenty of people out there that are in relationships and they don't have lives. I've seen them."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. But it's a risk. Most of the time I don't
care. I can deal with it. I can deal with my empty life of watching TV
and screwing around on the internet. But sometimes I want to live. I
want to live so badly. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a shadow
observing life in the LNH. Occasionally speaking some dialogue and
drifting along not really contributing anything. Even when I was a
fugitive from the LNH and a member of the a.outSiders I felt more like a
guest star in the series than an actual fugitive. But when I was given
the responsibility of taking care of Cauliflower I felt like I was
finally doing something worthwhile. It gave my life some purpose
walking, feeding, and giving him baths. Well just one bath. That was
kind of a disaster now that I think about it."

Catalyst Lass snorted a small laugh.

"Cauliflower didn't really need anyone to take care of him. He was a
smart dog. Probably smarter than most of the LNH'rs. But still. I
don't know. What happens when he dies?"

"He's not going to die. We're going to save him," Catalyst Lass said
with a defiant look.

"You don't know that. Do you?"

Catalyst Lass gazed at the floor as she rested her head on her hand.
"No, you're right. I don't."

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"Welcome, travelers, to the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies!"

The Bandwagon landed on a relatively harmless piece of asphalt. As the
LNH'rs got out they noticed the demon who was greeting them. He looked
like a cross between a rattlesnake and the sleaziest carsalesman they
had ever seen.

"The name's Treesus Lyce and have I got a deal for you! Everything you
see is 99% off! We've got every single Christmas tree that has ever
been, here! You want a tree that gives birth to it's own Christmas
presents? We've got it! How about a tree that will make your neighbors worship you like a god? Or how about a Christmas tree that will make
your enemies turn to stone when they look at it? A Christmas tree that
writes hit singles?! A Christmas tree that can see into the future? Or
maybe a tree that can cure erectile dysfunction? Or," he said looking
at Pocket Man, "Cure baldness."

"Hey! I shave my hair this way on purpose!" said a rather defensive
Pocket Man.

"Sure. Sure, I believe you," winked Treesus Lyce.

Occultism Kid made a coughing sound. "We're looking for a tree called,
'The One True Christmas Tree.'"

"Hmm. 'The One True Christmas Tree,' really? Hmm. Can't say I've ever
heard of it. But it could be in there. You're welcome to look. You'll
have to leave the horses here. We don't allow animals in the forest."

"I'm not leaving them here!" Bandwagon Chick said in a resisting tone.
"Not alone with this creep!"

"Bandwagon Chick, they'll be fine!" It was a lie of course. Occultism
Kid didn't really know what might happen to them. And fine was probably
the last thing they would be.

"Either they go into the forest, or I'm staying here with them!"
Bandwagon Chick said with her arms wrapped tightly together. Her face
had a very nonnegotiable look to it.

Occultism Kid sighed. "Okay. Here's what I'm going to do! I'm going
to cast a spell that protects them from a demon's touch. Any demon that touches them will feel great pain." With that said Occultism Kid made a
few mystical gestures and spoke some magic words. Treesus Lyce looked
at this spectacle with great curiosity. "There. It's done. They're
perfectly safe. Will you go with us now?"

Bandwagon Chick looked at her horses and then at Occultism Kid. "Well,
okay. If you say they're safe, I guess they're safe." She walked over
to her horses and gave each one a pat and a stroke on the neck. "Guys.
I want you to stay here. I'm going to be gone for awhile. Maybe a
long time. But I'll be back. I promise. I'll be back. You be good
and stay here." She walked back to the others.

"Well, are we ready?" Occultism Kid asked. "Then let's go." As they
walked into the Christmas Tree Forest of Lies, Occultism Kid looked back
at the grinning face of Treesus Lyce and at Bandwagon Chick's horses. A
second later, he felt sick to his stomach.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Occultism Kid stopped for a bit. "I think it would be a good idea if we
held hands."

"Umm -- Any reason why?" Pocket Man questioned.

"This place is dangerous. Some of the evilest and deadliest Christmas
trees there has ever been are in this forest. If we're joined together
as one, then we'll have an easier time resisting the temptations and
seductions of the forest."

"Well, okay. But I'm not holding hands with Self-Righteous Preacher! I
don't want his fundamentalist born-again cooties!" Pocket Man said
crossing his arms.

"And I don't want your depraved hedonistic atheist cooties!!!" The
color of Self-Righteous Preacher's face almost matched the landscape.

"Oh for God's sake! Give me your damn hands!" Fuzzy said as she grabbed
both their hands. "Believe me, if either of you has cooties, then my
cooties will beat the living crap of them! I swear! And I thought
Brittany and Paytan were bad!"

After they joined hands, Kid Kirby clicked a device that helped them
levitate. With Kid Kirby leading they headed deep into the forest.

They gazed in wonder at the many amazing trees. Some were made from
jewels. Some as big as mountains. Some that seemed to be singing
beautiful music. Kid Kirby pointed to one of them. "I think I see it!
Is that the one?!"

Occultism Kid glanced at the direction Kid Kirby was pointing. It was a Christmas tree made from kirbytech and it was decorated in old issues of Fantastic Four, Captain America, and New Gods comics. "Sorry, Kid. I
don't think that's the one. Whatever the One True Tree is, it's real
not artificial. I'm sure of that. Come on. Let's keep going."

A few minutes later, Self-Righteous Preacher cried out, "There! That
has to be the one!"

Occultism Kid saw a massive glorious tree decorated in giant silver
crosses and golden bibles. There were also Jerry Falwell and Pat
Robertson decorated ornaments hanging on it.

Occultism Kid shook his head. "It's dead, Preacher. I can't feel any
life in it. All these trees are either dead or artificial. If the One
True Tree exists, it has to be alive. I don't think it will look like
much either. Do you people remember the Charlie Brown Christmas Special?"

"Oh yes!" an excited Bandwagon Chick said. "I just caught that this
year! What a great cartoon!"

"I think the One True Tree might be similar to Charlie Brown's tree.
Although of course different enough to avoid copyright infringement."

"God. There must be a trillion trees here!" Fuzzy said in a tired
voice. "It will take ages for us to find it!"

Occultism Kid nodded. "I think we should drop down for a rest." As
they hit the ground Occultism Kid let go of the hands he was holding.
"Fuzzy? Can I borrow one of your knives?"

Fuzzy handed him one of her Bowie knives. Occultism Kid used the knife
to carve an arrow into the palm of his hand.

"Ouch!" winced Pocket Man. "Umm -- Is there a reason you're doing that?
Or have you just lost your mind?"

Occultism Kid ignored Pocket Man and chanted an incantation. "There!
It's a pain compass. I figure that whatever The One True Tree looks
like, it's probably really suffering here. This compass will head me
into the direction of the most suffering in this forest. There! It's
pointing that way!"

And so they joined hands once again and followed where Occultism Kid's
compass led them.

After awhile they landed in a rather barren part of the forest. Right
in the middle of this barren wasteland was a tiny twig of a tree. It
had maybe a few sprigs of greenness and a few pinecones that hung on it.

"That's it? That's the One True Christmas Tree?!" an unimpressed Fuzzy
said.

"It's alive. And it is definitely suffering. If I were a betting man,
I'd say this was the one."

"Good enough for me!" said Pocket Man as he grabbed one of the pinecones
and stuck it in one of his pockets. "Should we take more than one?"

Occultism Kid shook his head. "I think it would be best if we just took
one. Hell's not the best place in the world to be greedy."

"Poor little tree," Bandwagon Chick said as she sat down on the ground
and lightly brushed it with her finger. "It's been here for an eternity
in hell suffering. We've got to save it from this place! We've got to
take it back!"

Occultism Kid went over to where Bandwagon Chick was. "I wish we could.
But it's possible that digging it from the ground would only kill it.
I'm afraid its place is here, Bandwagon Chick. We don't know why it's
here, or what it did to deserve this. Taking it with us though would jeopardize all our lives. I think we should probably be leaving now."

Pocket Man took a canteen out from one of his pockets. He opened it up
and poured the water inside it onto the tree.

"Why did you do that?" Occultism Kid asked.

"I don't know. I guess -- I guess it looked thirsty. I'm not sure. I
guess it felt like the right thing to do."

"Well. I think we better be going. The longer we stay the -- say, is
it just me, or is the temperature starting to rise?" Occultism Kid said
wiping some sweat off his temples.

"That might be causing it!" Pocket Man said pointing to something right
behind Occultism Kid.

Occultism Kid turned around and saw an enormous army of demons headed
their way. And then he looked in all directions and saw more demons
coming. Coming from the sky and the ground. Soon the entire sky had
turned into a ceiling of swarming demons.

Kid Kirby quickly took out a device, which created a force field to
protect the group. The demon, Treesus Lyce, crawled towards them.

"You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?" Treesus Lyce
waved his fingers in a naughty, naughty manner. "There's a price for everything in Hell. You of all people should know that, Occultism Kid.
Even a small pinecone."

"And what's the price?" Occultism Kid said through gritted teeth.

"Well since we're having our before Christmas blow out sale all this
week, let's see. Oh, I think if you gave us Kid Kirby that would do it.
Give us Kid Kirby and we'll give you and your merry little band back
your Bandwagon and let you go back to the living world with your
precious pinecone."

"Give us our Bandwagon back? What's he talking about?" Bandwagon Chick
said looking at Occultism Kid.

"Instead of Occultism Kid you might want to try looking at that guy over there." Treesus Lyce pointed to a gigantic King Kong sized demon
gorilla that was holding her Bandwagon and horses. "Looks like
Occultism Kid's spell didn't do too much. But then I suspect Occultism
Kid probably already knew that."

Color of Bandwagon Chick's face drained away as she saw her horses
squirming in the gorilla's grip. "You lied. God. You lied! You told
me that they'd be safe. You told me!" Her eyes blazed with furious
rage at Occultism Kid.

"Look. I had to! If I hadn't, you would have stayed and you'd be in
that ape's fist too. I'm sorry, Bandwagon Chick. I'm sorry! God, this
whole mission is going to hell. Everything's going to hell."

"Can't you just cast a spell and port us back to the living world,
Occultism Kid?" Pocket Man asked.

"No. I have vital ingredients in the Bandwagon. Even if I had them
with me -- with all the demons out there, it would be tough."

"Then I guess it is my choice to make," Kid Kirby declared. "And I
choose to stay here in Hell if that is what will help my fellow
Legionnaires!"

"No, Kid Kirby," Fuzzy said ripping the cigar out of her mouth and
throwing it to the ground. "You're not staying here. And we're not
staying here. And Bandwagon Chick's horses aren't staying here. And
we're taking that pinecone back to the living world."

"Umm, Fuzzy. As much as I admire your gung-ho spirit, incase you didn't
notice every single demon in Hell is surrounding us!" Pocket Man made a
hand wave. "Hello. Reality Check time!"

"I know that. I've got a plan. I need a Mega-phone, and enough
earplugs for each one of us, Pocket Man. Do you have those items?"

Pocket Man fumbled around in his pocket for a few seconds and finally
came up with a Mega-phone. After another few seconds, he came up with
some earplugs. "These are iPlugs. They completely block out sound and
also allow you to download music off the internet. Will they do?"

"They'll be fine." Fuzzy handed them out to each of the LNH'rs except Self-Righteous Preacher who she handed the Mega-phone to.
"Self-Righteous Preacher? I want you to convert all of these demons to Christianity."

Self-Righteous Preacher looked at Fuzzy like she had flipped her wig.
"What did you say?"

"You know what I said! I want *you* to convert all of these demons to Christianity!"

"Convert them?! They're demons! You don't convert demons!!"

"What's wrong with you, Self-Righteous Preacher? Are you some kind of
bleeding heart liberal? My God! You're the last person I would ever
expect to spout that wishy washy no interfering in other people's
cultures claptrap! You know, Preacher, that somewhere in hell, two
homosexual demons are getting married! And it's perfectly legal!
Somewhere in Hell, demons are murdering poor innocent stem cells! Some
where Demons are teaching their demon children the theory of evolution!
As if it was fact! And might I add, using the tax dollars of decent
hard working American demons! But I guess you don't care, do you?
You'll happily watch as rampant liberalism washes over Hell. I guess
that shouldn't be a surprise though. I mean, you probably voted for
John Kerry. Didn't you?"

Self-Righteous Preacher's head looked like it was ready to burst. "I.
Did. Not. Vote. For. John. Kerry!!!!!!!"

"Whoaahh there, Preacher! I believe you! But you know what I'm saying
is right? These demons need to be told how to think for their souls
sake! And if you don't tell them, then who's going to?"

"You're right!" the Preacher said having calmed down a bit. "I've got
to do this, for the sake of Hell's Soul!! I've got to stop this evil liberalism that is destroying Hell!!"

"That's the spirit, Preacher! Now I want you to shove your beliefs down
the throats of all these demons like you've never shoved your beliefs
down anyone's throat before!! No mercy, Self-Righteous Preacher!! No
mercy!! Go to it!!" Fuzzy gave the Preacher a slap on the back.

Self-Righteous Preacher rolled up both of his sleeves. And then he
grabbed his big cross in one hand and the Mega-phone in the other one.
He took a deep breath. And then he placed the Mega-phone close to his lips.

And then Self-Righteous Preacher preached like he had never preached
before. The host of Hell gazed at the Preacher, not exactly sure what
was happening. Or what had been unleashed.

Fuzzy placed both iPlugs inside her ears. And if you could have
deciphered the hazy blur that was Fuzzy's face, then you would have seen
a very wicked grin.

| | | | | | | | |
--*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*-- --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

Six Hours Later....

"...And the Whore of Babylon did defile the Super Bowl with her wardrobe malfunction!! And so..."

Most of the demons had by now fled. What few who remained were close to
tears. Fuzzy saw a desperate Treesus Lyce trying to make contact with
her with frantic gestures. She took off her iPlugs.

"Please!! For Satan's sake!! Make him shut up! I beg you! This is
inhuman!! By the Unholy Halls of Hell, I'd thought I'd seen it all!

[continued in next message]

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)