XPost: alt.comics.lnh

Leadership Cry.Sig Net.ropolis 2023 #8
"Unknown Unknowns"
by Jeanne Morningstar


[lcsn_2023]


Three LNHers walked into a bar.

Specifically, they were Catalyst Lass, Token Girl, and Nina Yamashiro,
the Ultimate Ninja.

The various hoodlums, lowlifes, riffraff, and scum who inhabited the
dowtown Net.ropolis dive bar looked up with the kind of familiar, weary, low-simmering anger and frustration that one might feel on getting a
spam phone call.

"Look," said Catalyst Lass, raising her hands in a conciliatory gesture,
"we're not here to start a fight..."

"Speak for yourself," said Token Girl.

"We just want to ask some questions," said Catalyst Lass.

"Where's Rumor Monger?" growled the Ultimate Ninja. The bartender
pointed at a table where the unscrupulous Brotherhooder was chatting
with the Pie Archer, former foe of Teenfactor.

"Now wait a minute..." said Rumor Monger.

"LNHers! Here's my chance at the big time!" said the Pie Archer. Quick
as a whistle, he armed himself with a pie arrow and shot it at Token
Girl. She hit it with one of her explosive bus tokens, sending pie goop
all over the bar floor and tables, which admittedly could never really
be described as clean even on a good day.

Ignoring them, Ultimate Ninja slammed her katana on the table where
Rumor Monger sat. "What do you know about Kid Unknown?"

"Nothing! I don't know nothing! Why do you think they call him Kid
Unknown, huh?"


"Tell me the truth!" said Ultimate Ninja, grabbing him by the back of
his neck and slamming him into the table.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Ah man, that's gotta hurt," said the bartender.

"Don't worry, he actually enjoys it," said Catalyst Lass.

Meanwhile, Token Girl and the Pie Archer were having their
bus-token-and-pie fight from opposite ends of the bar. The other bar
denizens were giving them a wide berth. The fight came to a swift end
when Token Girl's bus token hit the Pie Archer in the face, and he ran
out of the bar with his tail between his legs. The victorious Token Girl
sat down beside Catalyst Lass.

"I'll have a BonziBud Light," said Token Girl.

"And I'll have a mimosa," said Catalyst Lass.

"We don't serve no girly drinks here!" said the bartender.

"Well! Mixology is actually a fascinating subject. It's a real art form
that takes skill and, well, courage to master. And it has a fascinating history. Cocktails were invented in the early 19th century, when..."

"Look," said Rumor Monger, "I don't know about Kid Unknown but there's something you should know... Last night I ran into Throbby the Talking
Heart and he told me there's this trenchcoat ninja guy who's looking for revenge on the LNH. Think he might be the real deal..."

"Hrm," said Ultimate Ninja. She let go of Rumor Monger, letting him
slump onto the table. "Thanks," she said gruffly. "Let's get out of here."

"Aww, I wasn't finished telling the bartender about the history of
cocktails." The bartender was looking at her with a look of deep
fascination on his face.

"Some other time," said Token Girl, pulling her by the crook of her arm.


[lcsn_2023]


"So next," said Ultimate Ninja, "I guess we have to figure out how to
secure the kiwi vote."

"Hold on," said Cynical Lass. "Can kiwis vote in the LNH elections?"

"Well, yes and no. According to the Treaty of the North Wing Rec Room,
the kiwis don't vote directly in LNH leader elections, but the Kiwi
Council can send delegates to advocate for their best interests, and
they can veto any candidate they don't think is suitable. Right now,
there's an empty seat in the council and it might go to Abigail, in
which case we can count on her support. But..."

"Can I actually look at the LNH election bylaws?" said Cynical Lass.

Ultimate Ninja opened her desk drawer and took out a box with a stack of
papers a foot long.

"Eurgh. Forget I asked."

"No one ever thought any of this would actually be relevant," said
Ultimate Ninja. "The last time we had a real election was back during
Beige Midnight–everyone who was around then doesn't even remember it now because there was so much else going on. And the time before that was
before there were even kiwis in the LNHQ. Everyone assumed that Ultimate
Ninja, the original one, would just keep being leader so we'd never have
to worry about any of this. And now, well..."

Cynical Lass looked down at the papers, nonplussed. "All right. I
exercise my right to procrastinate. Let's talk opposition research. Specifically, we need to figure out who Kid Unknown is and what he wants."

"Not to mention that trenchcoated ninja."

"Right. And I know just who to call in." Cynical Lass snapped her
fingers. "Masterplan Lad!"

"Right, yes," said Masterplan Lad. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"Well that's your thing, isn't it?" she said.

"You know each other?" said Ultimate Ninja.

"They met in LNH v2 #50," said Captain Continuity as he entered the room.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Cynical Lass said to Captain Continuity.

"Well, I could sense there was some continuity that needed to be
explained," said Captain Continuity.

"Good," said Ultimate Ninja. "I was going to call you in for this
mission as well."

"These coincidences are getting a bit much," said Cynical Lass. "Guess
we have to move this cascade along. It'd be nice if someone could coincidentally turn up with some coffee..."

Just then, Bad Timing Boy walked into the room, then tripped over the ornamental rug and spilled the coffee right on the LNH election bylaws printout.

"Ah, man, sorry about that," said Bad Timing Boy. "Uh, hi CC. Bye, CC.
Gotta go!" He dashed back out the room.

"Right," said Cynical Lass. "So I take it because of the nature of both
your powers, we won't have to be explaining very much..."

"No," said Masterplan Lad, "it's far too early in this story to be
recapping anything."

"Aww," said a dejected Kid Recap, who turned around and walked back out.

"So," said Ultimate Ninja. "We have two unknowns. Kid Unknown, and the trenchcoat-wearing ninja–let's call him the Unknown Ninja. First off, do
you think they're the same person?"

"No," said Masterplan Lad. "The ninja, from the sound of it, is just
wandering around in a vengeful haze, while Kid Unknown definitely knows
what he's doing, even if no one else does."

"Do you think this ninja could be anyone we're familiar with?" said
Ultimate Ninja.

"Well, he could be Alt.imate Ninja..." said Cynical Lass.

"Or the evil impersonator from wReam's later Ultimate Ninja issues, or
one of those fake ninjas left over from Dr. Ag-Queen's plot in LNH v2
#1, or even one of those robo-duplicates left over from the Infinite
Leadership Crisis... There's kind of a lot of Ultimate Ninja knockoffs,
huh?" said Captain Continuity. "Not to mention wReamicus putting his
brain in UN's body back in Beige Midnight..."

"wReamicus Maximus is the one candidate we can absolutely rule out,"
said Masterplan Lad. "As an embodiment of the most chaotic of the LNH's
early writers, he would never try the same plan twice. Though I suppose
we can't rule him out for Kid Unknown..."

"All right," said Ultimate Ninja. "Masterplan Lad, can you use your
powers to figure out where Kid Unknown and the Unknown Ninja are?"

"Well, I can try," they said. They closed their eyes and a dim aura of
light appeared behind their back, shaped almost like wings. [This will
make sense after The Liminals #11–Ed.]

"The Unknown Ninja," they continued, "is somewhere on the east side of Net.ropolis. Near the waterfront, as we're a coastal city at the moment.
Kid Unknown... I can't find a trace of him at all."

"So... he's an unknown unknown," said Cynical Lass.

"That's from the Bush Administration. You think people still remember
that?" said Captain Continuity.

"Believe me," said Cynical Lass, "I try to forget."

"So," said Ultimate Ninja, "our first priority is to track down the
Unknown Ninja..."

"I can help!" said Manga Girl, slouched in a nearby chair.

"Sakura? How did you get here?" said Masterplan Lad. Cynical Lass
searched through her pockets to see if her cigarettes had been nicked.

"Oh, I just snuck in through the vents," said Manga Girl. "And don't
worry, I don't steal stuff, that was the other Manga Girl." (In fact,
Cynical Lass's cigarettes had been stolen by Shinigami Girl, the ghost
of the previous Manga Girl, even though they were useless to her because
she was dead.)

"What are you doing here?" said Ultimate Ninja.

"Well," said Manga Girl, "I figured MPL is the one who usually gets to
be in crossovers, so we could use a little variety, right? And I'm great
at tracking down ninjas. My extensive knowledge of manga of all kinds
gives me expertise in ninja-ology... is that a word?"

"It is if you want it to be," said Captain Continuity.

"The thing is," continued Manga Girl, "we don't really know if this is
an Americanized, Frank Miller type of ninja or a Naruto-style ninja. He
may dress like he's from the Hand, the Foot, or some other body part,
but he could have ninja powers you wouldn't expect from an Ultimate
Ninja knockoff."

"Good point," said Ultimate Ninja. "All right. You're on the case. As
soon as we're ready to move, I'll let you know."

"Yay!" said Sakura. She jumped out of her chair and did a backflip. "Oh,
one last thing. I just wanted to say... I hope you win. You've always
treated us in the Liminals with respect. We're kind of weird and
marginal and even the people who like us don't always get us, but I
think you do. So the Liminals have your back 100%, ok?"

"Well, I'm glad we have all four of you," said Cynical Lass.

"Hey, that's better than none, right?" said Captain Continuity.

"Good," said Ultimate Ninja. "You're dismissed. Take care."


[lcsn_2023]


"So..." said Manga Girl when they were alone in the hall together, "do
you think it's him?"

Masterplan Lad took a deep breath. "That's why you wanted the case,
isn't it?"

"I mean... not no."

Masterplan Lad shook his head. "It isn't. Ultimate Mercenary is gone. He
may or may not be dead, but his story isn't part of ours anymore."

"OK," said Manga Girl. "But... do you really know that?"

Masterplan Lad said nothing.


[lcsn_2023]


It doesn't feel right anymore, thought Nina, to give them orders. I need
to remember–I'm still the leader of this team. For now, at least...


[lcsn_2023]


Notes:

Well, that's it for me for a bit. My next priority is finishing Liminals
#11 and a couple other issues I started in the wake of HHS and nailing
down what MPL's deal is right now. Have fun!


CREDITS:
Ultimate Ninja II: Amabel Holland, from a concept by wReam
Catalyst Lass: Elisabeth Riba
Token Girl: Tara LJC O'Shea
Pie Archer, Shinigami Girl: Amabel Holland
Rumor Monger: Jeff Drizzt Barnes
Captain Continuity: Mystic Mongoose
Cynical Lass: Rob Rogers, on loan from the ever-excellent
Easily-Discovered Man
Masterplan Lad: Jeanne Morningstar
Manga Girl: Jeanne Morningstar, from a concept by Amabel Holland
Bad Timing Boy: Vernon Harmon
Kid Recap: Josh Guerink

--
Jeanne Morningstar
Chief Procrastinator, Commission of Ecumenical Translators

I believe the hyperbole
I see the fourth colour
--King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, The Fourth Color

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)