ACRA/LNH: The Blood Scrawled Crystal Skull of the Namer Boy -- Document
From
Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to
All on Thu Oct 27 05:10:25 2022
Warning: Yeah, yeah. Horrible Unpleasant Upsetting Stuff That No One Should Ever Read
-- but if you want to I'm not going to stop you. You've been warned.
'All the nightmares came today
And it looks as though they're here to stay'
(Oh! You Pretty Things)
-- David Bowie
"Is this thing on?" said Namer Boy looking to see if the floating cam.thingee's red light was
blinking. "Okay, okay." He looked straight into the cam.thingee. "And -- We're Back! It's
Season... ummm," Name Boy looked at his fingers and began to count them. "Three! No no, wait --
Four! Yeah, Four! Season Four of the Namer Boy: Documentary Project!
"And, okay, I know -- a lot of you have been really upset by how I haven't really appeared much in
the other seasons -- and BELIEVE ME I'm upset about it too! But I assure you this season will be
all about me and not all that other nonsense about conspiracy nuts, people suffering from
Namerboyuhneeen (or whatever), Charlie Sheen -- nope. None of that stuff. Just me and my
exciting, thrillin life. I promise.
"And also the USENETflix Lawyers wanted me to tell you all that it will be perfectly safe to view
as long you are watching it on an approved streaming service like USENETflix. Don't buy bootleg
VHS tapes on the street of this! Don't do it!! I'm not sure if any of those rumors about people
dying while watching bootlegs are true -- but just to be completely safe -- pay the (I dunno --
20? Really? It's that much? *Ahem*) Twenty bucks a month for USENETflix! Don't buy bootleg VHS
tapes! Don't do it! Okay, okay. I think that's enough of all that. Let's start this New Season
of the Namer Boy: Documentary Project!
"And I'm in this room -- one of the many, many Legion of Net.Heroes rooms in the LNH's
Headquarters. And what am I doing in this room?" Namer Boy paused as if to ponder that question
and finally, "Oh, right right right! I'm doing Inventory Duty. Yeah, inventory duty. So, you
see all these weird strange looking objects," Namer Boy gestured towards all the strange and weird
looking objects. "And it's my job to umm, well, let's just show you -- okay right here," Namer
Boy gestured to a barcode on one of the strange objects in the room. "That's a barcode. And so I
take my," Namer Boy took out his inventory.thingee, "Inventory.thingee and push this button and --
there! See that red light shining on the barcode? That goes into the system -- and it gets
counted. And that's how it's done. Pretty simple, right?
"As for stuff that should be in this room, but isn't because it's been misplaced or stolen --
well, that's someone else's problem. My job is to," but before Namer Boy could continue with that
though a basketball rolled by him. "What the...?"
"Hey, Namer Lad! Doing the inventory duty thing? Oh, what's this?" Bad Timing Boy said as he
looked at the floating cam.thingee. "Are we on TV? Hey, there everyone! Yeah, it's me -- the
coolest LNH'r ever -- The One, The Only..."
"No! No!! Bad Timing Boy! You shouldn't be in here!! You can't ever be in..."
"Relax, Namer Lad! Was just playing some basketball in the hallway and I think the ball slipped
its way..."
"You can't be in here! You can never be in here!! You know what this room is called, don't you?!
It's called The Bad Timing Boy (and Bad Judgment Boy) Can-Never-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-
EVER-Be-Allowed-Into-This-Room Room!!!!!!!"
"That's a lot of Evers -- but relax -- once I get the... oh, there it is!" said Bad Timing Boy
spotting the basketball. And before Namer Boy could stop him, he rushed over to the ball. But
before he could get to it -- his foot slipped on a banana peel causing Bad Timing Boy to fall.
But Bad Timing Boy (thanks to many years of training) managed to twist and contort his body so he
could grab at a lever on some strange device to avoid hitting the ground.
"Hah! That was close. Thought I was going to..." Bad Timing Boy started to say and then he
noticed that Namer Boy had a very troubled expression on his face and he turned around and looked
at the weird device that he had pulled the lever on. It had three Crystal Skulls on its top that
were starting to glow very, VERY red. Below the skulls were a bunch of weird red symbols that
were flashing away as if counting down to something. And it had this sinister sounding hum that
grew louder and louder. "Oh, that. Don't worry! I got this. Just need to..."
"Don't! Don't touch it!!" shouted Namer Boy as he tried to pull Bad Timing Boy away from the
object. But before he could, Bad Timing Boy managed to disconnect one of the wires.
"Hmm. Okay not that wire I guess," said Bad Timing Boy as the weird looking symbols flashed even
faster and faster.
And then...
There was a very, very loud burst. A massive crimson wave of light spread across the entire
Net.ropolis landscape and kept going and going. And various flying objects, planes, helicopters,
flight.thingees, Zeppelins made of processed food began to fall from the sky. And no one stopped
them. Some of them crashed into skyscrapers causing those buildings to burn. And no one stopped
that either. There were no fire engines or ambulances or police cars racing through the streets.
And other than the sound of crackling flames, there was just a dead silence that hung over
Net.ropolis for the longest time. And the sky became redder and redder. And the Sun above became
darker and darker.
And then Eleven Hours and Six Minutes later...
The corpses of Namer Boy and Bad Timing Boy began to twitch and lurch up from the ground. Namer
Boy started to shamble over towards the door, but tripped over Bad Timing Boy's basketball.
The BLOOD
Scrawled CRYSTAL SKULL
of the NAMER BOY
-- Documentary Project: SEASON Four #4
(Possibly an ELSEWHIRL? -- Okay... yeah probably one...)
Years later...
"Heeey There, Boys and Ghouls!" cackled what looked a bit like the rotting corpse of Kid Recap
popping up out of a coffin like a jack-in-the box on meth, "Yes, it's your ol' pal Kid Recap a
little worse for the wear! Those Darn Revampiric Bombs -- Oh, don't get me started! But now days
-- I like to call myself...
"The Crypto Currency RECAPPER!!!! Hmm? Crypto Currency -- you're wondering why that's still a
thing even though it looks like we're in some Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland? Yeah, I don't know
either. But hey, as they say, Buy the Dip! Or am I thinking Pry the Hip? Oh, well." The Crypto
Currency Recapper shambled his way over to an easy chair next to a treasure chest covered in
cobwebs and plopped his decaying body onto it. "Oh, I suppose you want me to recap something --
perhaps all that stuff that happened between the Revampiric Bomb blowing up Net.ropolis all the
way to me hawking Crypto Currency? And sure I'd love to do that -- but considering no one has
actually written a story about all that stuff -- CAN'T really recap it! I mean I suppose I could
recap all of the previous Namer Boy: Documentary Project Issues -- but I don't think that would
really help you understand this whole story better. Or perhaps I could," said The Crypto Currency
Recapper lifting up the treasure chests lid and revealing all kinds of shiny crypto, "Entice you
with a little WereDogeCoin! Sure to go all the way to the MOON (assuming it doesn't get like shot
with a silverbulletSECInvestigation)!
"No? Okay," he plucked out another piece of crypto, "How about this one -- BiteMeIt'sFunCoin? Or
maybe you're more of a fan of ITurnedIntoASatanicallyReanimatedCorpseAndAllIGotWasThisStupidCoin
Coin..."
But before The Crypto Currency Recapper could continue a number of incredibly well ripped pale
bald monks tumbled from the Crypt's very dark, shadowy stairs and surrounded him. Each one had a
black flail that that they were twirling around. They were waiting for someone. Someone who was
descending down the stairs in a righteous manner. A very pale looking man covered in a black
flowing robe. On top of his head was something that looked a bit like some Medieval Witchfinder
type hat. Held in one of his hands was what looked like a trident that was glowing red.
The Crypto Currency Recapper smiled as he recognized the man "Ooh! Speaking of Satanically
Reanimated Corpses -- it's our good buddy -- The Self-Righteous Preacher! Looking for some hot
sweaty crypto action? Perhaps some GotABugUpMyAssCoin?"
The Man who had once been the Self-Righteous Preacher winced a bit and then gave a foul glare, "Do
not call me that old dead name of that wicked sinner who I was before the glorious Revampiric Fire
Baptized my wretched human form so I could be turned into an instrument for The Dark Gods of The
Grave. And then scour the lands and spread the word so that others could be saved like me or
doomed if they so chose. I, The Righteous Inquisitor!"
"So. That's a 'No' on the GotABugUpMyAssCoin?"
"Recapper, I come here to give you one last chance to save yourself. One last chance to submit
yourself to and beg for The Dark Gods of The Grave's forgiveness! To save yourself from the
Heresy of this Fourth Wall Breaking and other Ridiculous Foolishness Chaotic Anarchy so that you
can finally be bathed in the Righteous Sublime of The One True Order!"
"Order?" The Crypto Currency Recapper said as if pondering on it for a moment. "Oh, sure... I'll
take a Hand on Rye hold the Mustard! No, wait, make that double the Mustard!"
The Righteous Inquisitor shook his head sadly. "So, it is Annihilation that you choose. Very
well." He pointed the Trident in his hand at the grinning Recapper and a burst of crimson light
consumed The Recapper's entire body. All that was left was black stain smoldering from The Crypto
Currency Recapper's easy chair.
Then The Righteous Inquisitor looked at his followers. "Burn it down. Burn it all down. This
place must be Cleansed." And then he walked back up the stairs with a satisfied expression on his
face.
Another Sinner down.
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Cannon Fodder's eyes popped wide open and his heart was racing like crazy. Oh, God. He turned
his head and saw his alarm clock. It was blinking 12:00. The electricity must have gone out. He
was in his bed. It was just a dream. Just an awful nightmare. But he was safe in his bed.
God, that was a relief. All that crazy stuff about Bad Timing Boy accidentally turning on some
machine with crystal skulls that caused a Revampiric Bomb to destroy Net.ropolis. And then that
stuff with Kid Recap trying to hawk crypto. Jesus!
Wait. Maybe it was some kind of vision? Had he had a glimpse into some horrible nightmarish
future? Maybe he should write it down before he forgot about it? Yeah, that sounded like a good
idea. His hand reached for the lamp switch next to his bed. Damn, bulb's dead. And then he
looked at his alarm. That was out too! Another black out? And then he could feel something.
Something moving under his bed. Oh, God. What was it?
No, stop it. It's probably just a kiwi or an oozelfinch. It's no big deal. And even if it is
something horrible that kills you -- you're Cannon Fodder! That's your power. To come back from
the dead! Go and check it!
But Cannon Fodder didn't move beyond pulling his sheets over his head. He didn't want to look
below and see that horrible thing that was underneath him. He didn't want to do it. There was
always one great fear that he would occasionally think about. What if he didn't come back? What
if this was his last life? And the more he imagined the awful creature that was squirming below
his bed the worse his fear got. And then he heard a voice.
"don't don't d-don't... please don't l-look! don't don't... please!!"
Wait. That voice. Was that..? Finally, Cannon Fodder took a deep breath and hopped out of his
bed into the darkness. He pulled the bed sheet right up. Oh God.
It was horrible and nightmarish. It was a shivering man in clown make up (think The Tim Curry
version of Stephen King's It) wearing a Freddy Krueger outfit clutching a flash light. "Coward
Lad? Is -- is that you?"
"Ohgodgod... don't want to do this! Namer Boy made me come here, Cannon F-Fodder!" And then it
all came back to Cannon Fodder. There was no stopping the Revampiric Bomb from blowing up because
it had already happened years ago. Two Thirds of everyone in Net.ropolis had died that day. The
rest had transformed into zombies, werewolves, revampires, ghosts, witches, ghouls, goblins, or in
Coward Lad's case a demonic bogeyman that could control people's nightmares. Like the Nightmare
that he was currently in.
"It's okay, Coward Lad. This is about the tape, right? You want to know where the tape is.
Here. Let me give you a..." said Cannon Fodder reaching to help Coward Lad get out from under
his bed.
"Nononono! Can't leave here. Everything too too too spooky! C-Can't..."
"Look, you don't want to stay under there. There's tons of spiders under..."
"Spiders?!!!!" screamed Coward Lad as he quickly rushed out from under Cannon Fodder's bed.
"Yeah, spiders," grinned Cannon Fodder slightly. "Don't worry. Just stick with me and I'll
protect you from all that." It was an absurd statement considering that of the two of them only
Coward Lad had the power to control nightmares. But it didn't matter since he was afraid of those
powers of his. He was afraid of everything
And they walked through this dream version of what was now The Headquarters. Not the Legion of
Net.Heroes Headquarters or even The Legion of Night Hellmasters Headquarters (as they decided to
call themselves for a week or so before they found that a bit too silly.) But it was now The
Headquarters -- and this version was very orderly. There were no vanishing rooms and hallways.
Everything was where it was supposed to be -- and where it would always be. And they walked to
the where The Throne Room was.
"Ohgod ohgod... it's," whispered Coward Lad hiding behind Cannon Fodder shakily pointing his
finger at the man that was sitting on a throne made of crystal skulls. The pale skinned man had a
crew cut hairstyle and was garbed in a military green tank top, some cammo pants, and some dog
tags hanging around his neck. And he also had a gun that he seemed to be staring at intently as
he brooded. Before The Bomb, he had been a man named Felix Landers -- second command of the LNH.
But The Bomb had changed him -- it had made him into a Revampire and one of the more powerful
Revampires. He was now the Leader of this new Legion. And he had a new name. He was now called
-- The Lord of Fear.
"Don't worry, it's not him. It's just some dream version of him. Look," Cannon Fodder pointed to
the crystal skull covered throne. "That's where it is. Under that thing that's where you'll find
the tape. Tell Namer Boy..."
"Ohgod... he's looking at us! He's..." said Coward Lad racing as quickly as possible out of the
room. And Cannon Fodder could feel The Lord of Fear gazing at him. But it didn't last for long.
The Lord of Fear went back to his gun. There was this sad look in his eyes.
Cannon Fodder walked back into the hallway and tried to see if Coward Lad was still around. But
Coward Lad was long gone. He continued to walk through the hallway. He wouldn't be waking up
from this dream. He knew that. He wasn't sleeping in some bed in the real world. No.
He walked towards a room that was being guarded by WikiSentinels. Once they had been an LNH'r by
the name of WikiBoy, but after the change he had split into a number of these faceless mechanical
monstrosities whose only purpose was to do whatever The Legion needed of them. And these two were
guarding a room. They ignored Cannon Fodder as he moved past them and entered the room. And
that's where he was now in the waking world. He looked at this hibernation pod type thing. He
could see his face through a blue tinted window. Various tubes and wires were attached to this
body to keep it alive in a forever coma. Strangely enough he looked almost at peace.
Almost.
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And the Lady looked into the mirror and she saw nothing. Why did she keep doing this every day?
It was as if she expected some miracle would happen and this long nightmare would finally be over
and it would all return back to the way it had been. But no. That wasn't going to happen. And
she looked at the mirror only seeing the beautiful room that she slept in. Her beautiful pale
white finger with its very beautiful obsidian black fingernail scrawled at the mirror as if to
provoke its non existent mirror doppelganger on the other side to show itself. But nothing.
Her skin seemed to be a pale white at first glance, but maybe it really was the tone of what ever
you really desired. As was the hair that dangled from her head -- was it blonde, red, black,
maybe a purple, or a blue -- or who knows -- maybe every color? Well, you know what color it was
when you saw it. And she wore a very magnificent tight black dress, but there were all these
tears all over it. But they just seemed to make it look even more lovely. But her face...
Before The Change. Before the Bomb. During that previous life where she had these powers and had
been a part of this team -- The Legion. Well, The Old Legion -- that had been one of the great
things about her powers. To just gaze into a mirror and see that beautiful perfect face. She
could have stared at that face for hours. But there was nothing now. Nothing at all. And maybe
it was just as well. Sure, everyone told her how beautiful she looked. They were always
complementing her. But maybe they were just afraid of her and didn't dare tell her the truth.
The truth of how hideous and ugly she really was. They couldn't tell her that she had the face of
a monster. A horrible monster. No. They couldn't tell her that. She was Lady Ripper --
although no one would ever dare call her that. No, she was just The Lady. And they were all
afraid of her. Very afraid.
She turned her head and walked towards a large window that gave a great view of The Headquarters
Courtyard and gazed at The Black Circle in the sky. Was it the Sun? The Moon? Hard to say
anymore. And surrounding it was a Crimson Sky. The sky made her feel hungry. No, you don't need
that. You already had your dinner. Just wait till tomorrow. She could see various demons
flapping around and occasionally disappearing into The Black Circle. She could hear the
werewolves howling at that Black Circle. She looked at the various zombies that were stumbling
around. They were hungry too. She closed the curtain and walked over to her dresser.
There was a secret compartment in the dresser for her various secrets. Various mementos of The
Old World were in it. She took out a photo. It was a picture of a very ordinary looking lady
next to a very ordinary guy. And a couple of very ordinary looking kids were also next to them.
And they all looked so happy. So very happy. But they were all dead now. The Bomb had killed
them all.
The lady in the photo had a name. Tara Shreds. For awhile she had been a villain, a traitor, and
maybe for a little bit -- a hero. But she abandoned all that to live the life of an ordinary
person. And she did do that and found some happiness from that. But it all ended too soon.
Lady Ripper felt so sad looking at this dead woman and her dead family. Sometimes she wished she
could cry a million tears. Or even just one. But she couldn't seem to be able to do that. Was
it because she was a monster and monsters couldn't cry? Maybe that was it.
She put the photo back and shut the secret compartment. Sometimes she wished for some great
Miracle that would wipe away this current world and return it to how it had been. She wanted that
so bad.
But there were no more Miracles left in this world. None.
The Last Holiday Miracle Pet had died years ago.
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Huck Dolluhrind groaned as he got up from the ratty mattress he had been sleeping on. He could
feel his 79 year old bones creaking. This wasn't how he had wanted to spend his Twilight Years.
He looked around at the foul smelling room he was currently occupying deep within the sewers of
Net.ropolis or The City as it was now called. Man, should be in Florida. Of course there
probably wasn't a Florida anymore. The room was pretty big -- must have been like a secret lair
for some villain long ago. But now it was the last refuge for what was left of The Opposition.
His team were all sleeping away. He could see the former Big Time Hollywood Actor Charlie "Hot
Shots! Part Deux!" Sheen now a shell of his former self. A number of needle marks decorated his
naked body. Amazing that he was still alive. And by his side was a very large Sabertooth that
they all called Binky. The bow tie he had around his neck was stained with all types of blood.
And there was some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask that he always wore. He never took it off. And
he had a chainsaw that he cradled in his arms like a lover. They all called him -- Mr. Chainsaw
Guy.
And that was it. That was what was left at least here. There was Coward Lad who could only exist
in peoples nightmares and Cannon Fodder who was in coma locked away somewhere in The Headquarters.
He had just gotten info from Coward Lad about The Tape. And that was probably the only useful
thing he was going to get from Coward Lad.
And when they woke up, he was going to have to tell them this crazy plan he had. This horrible,
horrible plan that was probably going to get them all killed -- because even 'if' it did work (and
that 'if' was a big one) it was very doubtful that any of them would be alive to see its fruition.
And did he need to do this? Maybe he could just slip out before they all woke up -- head off to
The Headquarters. He still had that Radish that Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver had
given to him. The Radish that allowed him to ace any job interview. Yeah, he could just betray
all of his teammates and join up with the Monsters that ruled the world and live happily ever
after. Huck sighed. No, he couldn't do that. Was it the Namerboyuhneeen that was stopping him?
Or maybe it was that Huck Dolluhrind part that just couldn't.
Or maybe it was what those bastards did FIN FANFIC FOOM. They didn't have do that. They really
fucking didn't. No, they needed to go down.
They ALL needed to go down.
And Huck watched his sleeping team start to wake. Almost time.
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There was a Van. And it was zooming through the streets of The City (and sometime -- well okay, a
lot of the times, the various sidewalks) doing doughnuts and occasionally running over the various
zombies that were foolish enough to be walking the streets (or sidewalks). The Van had these
screaming pink fluorescent lights flashing away on its top that even the blindest person couldn't
miss. On the side of the Van was a very colorful rainbowtacular Mount Rushmore-style mural (but
with Andy Warhol, John Travolta, Dan Rather and Meat Loaf as the various Presidents). And there
was occasionally a very loud honking blaring away from the Van as the driver slammed the horn with
great fury. Something that sounded a bit like the Car Horn version of Billy Ray Cyrus's 'Achy Breaky
Heart'. It was very loud.
On one of the rooftops The Lord of Fear was looking at all this with some powerful binoculars
(which honestly he probably didn't need -- I mean a blind person looking from the International
Space Station could probably easily spot where this Van was without any equipment to enhance that
person's sight. This Van was Very Easy to Discover. Very, Very Easy.)
He put the binoculars down with a grim expression. He didn't like this one bit.
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"And that's the plan." And there was a long silence after Huck Dolluhrind had explained his
incredibly insane ludicrous plan as if everyone was just trying to grasp at how terrible a plan it
was and the appropriate amount of heckling it deserved.
But finally the guy in the Namer Boy mask -- Mr. Chainsaw Guy spoke up, "I -- I don't think that's
going to work. That just seems like a really, really bad plan. Plus I can't drive a Van. I know
-- I look like someone who has great Van driving skills -- but I have never done it -- I tend to
be more the guy who's hanging on top of the Van. Don't even have a license. When it gets down to
it -- I have one thing that I'm really great at. Murdering horny college kids who are partying in
the woods with a chainsaw. Really great at that. Point me right at some horny college kids that
need to be murdered -- and I'm right there. Murdering them. But all this Van driving -- being a
distraction -- dying a some idiotic heroic death. I think I'm going to have to take a big pass on
this one. Sorry, guys."
"Fuck it," said Charlie Sheen as he took a giant swig from his Moono's Liquor World Exxxtra Proof
RotGut jug. "Time to Sheen or get off the pot! If you pussies are too chicken shit to do this --
then guess I'm going to have to do this one -- SOLO!"
"Oh dear -- did you just cast an aspersion on me? That I am some how a 'P-Word'?" If you could
have lifted the Namer Boy mask off of Mr. Chainsaw Guy's face -- you would've seen a very pained
and very hurt expression. "Very well, if my own Manhood is in question -- then I call SHOTGUN for
this very, very doomed mission of ours."
"Then I guess it's time," said Charlie Sheen with a wicked slash of his air guitar, "To Rock --
And Roll!!"
Binky slapped his head with a paw while shaking his head and then gave a disappointed sigh. Why
me?
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And the Easily-Discovered Van screeched to a halt. An incredibly naked Charlie Sheen bolted out
of the driver's side and took one last swig out of the contents of his Moono's Liquor World
Exxxtra Proof RotGut jug before throwing it to the road. And then he grabbed this big King-sized
pillow of cocaine, slashed it with a Bowie knife and then dumped the contents on the Van's hood.
"Is that...?" said a puzzled Lord of Fear as he watched all of this transpire.
"Charlie Sheen," said a pale lady next to him. Once she had been called Sister State-The-Obvious
or wReanna by those she was close with -- but now she was simply -- The Stater. "Big Hollywood
Actor in the Eighties. Wall Street. Platoon. Hot Shots! Part..."
"Yes, yes. I know that! I mean what's he doing?!"
Stater watched as Charlie Sheen put his head deep in that pile and began to snort it all up like a
vacuum cleaner. "I believe he's snorting all of that coke on his Van like a vacuum cleaner."
"Yes! I know that -- I can see that!! Why?! Why is he doing it!!?"
"I guess -- he has a very, very bad drug problem?" she said hoping that would be helpful.
The Lord of Fear sighed in a irritated manner. The silliness of it all was starting to creep its
way up here. Was that part of their plan? "Thank you, Stater. You're dismissed. Stahmpeurstein
-- Does he have powers -- besides the obvious superhuman drug taking ones!"
A (man?) looking at an electronic device glanced at the Lord of Fear as his name was mentioned.
This being had the face of a dead LNH'r by the name of Ferris Jones -- or the Deductive Logic Man.
But it was attached to a body that wasn't Deductive Logic Man's. The body was of another LNH'r.
Can-Handle-Any-Type-of-Change-Except-for-the-Ultimate-Ninja-Wearing-a-Cape Lad. And it had an arm
that had once belonged to Contraption Man. And the other arm -- by Organic Lass. And legs that had
this great burning desire to play the game Net.Trek because they had once belonged to Multi-Tasking
Man. And it wasn't Ferris Jones's brain that controlled all of these different stitched together
body parts. No. It was Dr. Stomper's brain -- or Dr. Stahmpeurstein as they now called themselves.
The Lord of Fear didn't want to know how all these different body parts of various dead LNH'rs had
all united. And he hoped he would never learn. "No, he seems to be a normal human. Shouldn't be
that hard to defeat."
"Well, let's be careful regardless," said The Lord of Fear watching Charlie Sheen snort every last
bit of coke that was on the Easily Discovered Van. "There's something -- I don't know. Wait till I
give the order."
And having snorted the last bit of cocaine, Charlie Sheen pumped his fists in the air in triumph and
let out a primal scream. "Okay, bitches. I'm HERE to snort cocaine and -- KICK -- ASS! And as all
of you can clearly see," he said gesturing toward a Van that didn't have a speck of cocaine still on
it (although there was still quite a bit of it dusting Charlie's face). "I'M ALL OUT OF COCAINE!!!
So, unless any of you gents have some more of the Nose Candygeddon for me to partake of -- guess I'm
just going to have to..."
Binky slapped his paw on his head as he cringed like he had never cringed before in the back of the
Van. Don't say it... Don't...
"Wait for it. Wait for..." said The Lord of Fear watching Charlie Sheen's face intently.
"KICK ALL OF YOUR FUCKING ASSES!!!!! YEAH, BITCHES! BRING IT ON!! THE NAME IS CHARLIE SHEEN AND
NOTHING CAN STOP ME!! NOTHING!!! I'M GOING TO LIVE -- FOREVER!!!!! YEAH!!! I'M GOING TO LIVE..."
And with that said a huge gigantic beam of Irony fell from the sky like a comet turning Charlie
Sheen into a red splatter on the pavement.
End of Part One
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--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)
From
Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to
All on Thu Oct 27 05:12:25 2022
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Part Two
Huck Dolluhrind felt a twinge in his neck. Someone had died. He let out a weary sigh. Oh well.
He knew that was going to happen. He had sent them to be a distraction -- while he did his work
here to try and get The Tape. And he knew they probably weren't going to make it.
Huck was garbed in what looked like a Holocaust Cloak and a backpack strapped to his back as he
marched his way towards the gates of The Headquarters. He held his Job Interview Radish for all of
the zombies, werewolves, ghouls, and other nasty horrifying creatures to all gaze upon as he parted
his way through them like Moses parting the Red Sea. They weren't going to stop him. They knew he
had an interview he needed to get to.
An Interview that he was going to completely ace.
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Lady Ripper looked with surprise as a cloaked elderly black man barged into her room. "What the...?
How did you...?"
"I'm here -- for the job interview," said Huck holding the radish up as he looked at a dark shadowy
part of the room where a shadowy Lady Ripper was standing.
"Oh, right," Lady Ripper said gazing at the radish. "The Job Interview. Yes, we should get..." she
said walking into a more lighted area. Huck's hand with the radish began to drop down in weakness
as he was completely stunned by the incredible beauty of Lady Ripper.
"Oh godgod! Never have I seen -- like if FIN FANFIC FOOM had a much, much shorter twin sister --
with the most luscious of all Dad Bods! God, it's..."
This broke Lady Ripper out of the radish's spell. With a quick dance move, she ripped the radish
from Huck's hand and with another move tore it in half -- destroying whatever power it still had.
And she stared furiously at Huck Dolluhrind. "Who are you and why are you here?! Speak, before I
rip you limb from limb!"
"I'm sorry, Tara..."
Lady Ripper was taken aback. "That name. NEVER -- call me that. She is gone. Dead."
Huck nodded. "I'm Namer Boy. Do you remember me?"
"No, you're not... he was..." Her hand started to shake as memories flashed through her brain.
"Yes, the one who was your teammate -- The Bomb changed him into a zombie. I'm a man that has this
condition that is called Namerboyuhneeen which causes me to occasionally be possessed by the spirit
of Namer Boy allowing me access to all his memories and skills and..."
"Yes, yes -- I know who you are. You're the lunatic terrorist that's trying to overthrow..."
"I'd say Freedom Fighter..."
"Why are you here?"
"I'm here to convince you that you're on the wrong side. I want you to join us. Help us."
Lady Ripper laughed. "That's not going to happen. What -- are you thinking because of all those
times I betrayed the Legion in the past -- that I might do it one more time just for the heck of it?
Crazy."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe you're okay with purging every single goofy or
silly person. Is that it? You're fine with all of this? You can justify all of this?"
"I -- I don't..." Lady Ripper had a pained look on her face. "I wish there was another..."
"There can be. You just need to help me!"
"What do you -- what is your plan?"
"We need you to take out Fearless -- The Lord of Fear -- with this." He took off the backpack he
had been wearing and got this big mysterious box out of it. "Here. Open it."
She cautiously while holding her breath opened the lid up slightly. "Oh god! That's..." She
quickly closed the lid.
"Yes. And there's a tape -- it's buried under the throne made from the crystal skulls in the Throne
Room. You know what I'm talking about?"
"Yes. We tried to destroy it, but for some reason -- it couldn't be destroyed. So we buried it.
There's something horrible on that tape -- that if you watch it -- it will destroy you. Is that
your plan? You want to unleash that horror on the Legion? You want to destroy the Legion?!"
"Maybe the only way to save the world is to destroy the Legion."
"I see. Okay. I guess you did make a mistake," she said as she did a couple of dance moves. Huck
Dolluhrind screamed in pain as those moves caused his bones in his legs to tear and he collapsed to
the floor. "Yes, the Legion is evil and doing all kinds of evil. You're right about that. But
they do keep this world from descending into complete chaos. So, evil though it maybe -- it is a
necessary evil. Guards! There's an intruder! Careful! He's dangerous."
And as couple of WikiSentinels carted Huck away, Lady Ripping looked at the box he had given her.
And she moved the box away to one of her secret safe places.
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"Tasha! Are you out of your -- I wanted him alive!" shouted The Lord of Fear into his wrist
communicator. "Stand down!"
Irony Maiden shook her head. "We need to stop playing games with these terrorist svolochi. We need
to end all of this. Eliminate every single one of them!" Irony began to crackle from her metal
hands.
"No. You're not to take any more action! That's an order!" The Lord of Fear gave a furious glare.
"You're dismissed. Go back to Headquarters!"
As the Legion were arguing among themselves, the remaining members of The Opposition made their way
out of the Van. Mr. Chainsaw Guy scanned the road for any loose manhole lids and seeing one edged
his way towards it. And Binky? Binky just stared at the blood splatter that once been his best
friend -- his best lover -- his best toxic pain in the ass maniac that was going to just send his
life spiraling out of control that he should have broken up with years ago. Charlie. Binky closed
his eyes as a tear ran down his furry cheek. And then he opened his eyes again -- and there was
just rage. A blinding rage that glowed a bright red.
"Wait, does that sabertooth have... Tasha! Get out of there!! GET..." shouted The Lord of Fear
into his wrist communicator.
Natasha Tolstoy -- who had once been the Irony Man villain Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit -- and after The
Bomb had gone off -- joined the Legion as the newest incarnation of Irony Man -- Irony Maiden,
looked back with an irritated annoyance at The Lord of Fear. What was the American being hysterical
about now? Then she could hear all of her suits warning systems start to beep like crazy.
Something hotter than a Supernova was burning its way through the suit. All of the suits
protections were beginning to fail. And then the suit began to feel like an out of control oven.
Then the burning started.
Mr. Chainsaw Guy watched as a red hot beam blazed out of Binky's eyes barbecuing the Irony Maiden's
suit. Various WikiSentinels sacrificed their lives trying to stop the beam, but to no avail -- the
beam just burned through all of them. As Mr. Chainsaw guy pried open one of the manholes while
everyone ignored him, he thought to himself -- Probably a good time to make an exit.
More members of the Legion started attacking -- and were shrugged away like flies. Whatever had
been keeping Irony Maiden's glowing white suit floating in the air no longer worked. And Irony
Maiden plummeted to the ground becoming a smoking crater. Assuming she had managed to survive being
burned alive -- assuming she managed to survive the crash, which seemed unlikely -- but if she had
-- then having a crazed superpowered sabertooth tear her melted suit limb to limb probably hammered
the final nail.
"Jesus. What is that thing?" asked The Lord of Fear.
Dr. Stahmpeurstein looked intently at his scanner. "Hmm. That is -- peculiar. The sabertooth's
DNA is Dvorakian -- and it's been altered by the Glory Virus."
"Wait -- the Glory Virus? Doesn't that kill Dvorakians after a week or so?"
"Usually -- there have been rare instances in the past where some survived being infected."
The Lord of Fear scowled. "So, we're dealing with a sabertooth that can break planets -- blow out
stars. And now it's very angry. It's going to lay waste to Netrop... um... The City. It's going
to... How are we going to stop this thing? Does it have any weaknesses?"
"Do Dvorakians die of old age?" said a voice that suddenly appeared from nowhere. And a very foul
stench also made its presence known. The Lord of Fear wrinkled his nose -- damn these super senses
-- as he looked at the flickering image of The Time Evacuator -- formerly one of Vector Prime clones
that had gone off to greater things.
"Yes," said Dr. Stahmpeurstien running his finger through the data. "Over 500 years long for some
-- although who knows how one infected by the Glory Virus would..."
The Time Evacuator nodded and raised her hands as they began to crackle with time energy.
"No, wait WAIT!" said The Lord of Fear as if it had dawned on him what she was about to do. But she
wasn't listening. She hurled a bubble of time at Binky and all of the Legion members that were
still attempting to fight him. And she did her best to contain the bubble to that one spot even as
she felt some great force trying claw and bite its way out. But in the end she prevailed. And when
she could feel nothing trying to escape, she let the bubble dissipate. Only minutes had happened
outside the bubble -- but inside it? Millions of years had passed. There was some strange colorful
city that had formed on the petrified remains of Binky's skeleton and the various bones of the
Legion members that had been fighting him. These tiny gnat sized creatures fluttered around this
small city -- their wings glowed like neon.
The Lord of Fear made his way down to the road to inspect all this. "What should we do with this?"
a Legion member by the name of Cleaner said nervously.
Lord of Fear sighed. Sometimes, he wished another person were making all of these decisions. Part
of him just wanted to let this thing be. To just ignore it and let it be. But this thing could be
dangerous. It could threaten everything. Sometime you just had to make a choice.
"Eradicate it," said The Lord of Fear in a cold voice. "Make sure nothing survives."
Because someone had to save the world.
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There was a man with a five o'clock shadow that had boots that were made from Komodo Dragon skin.
He had a fur coat that had various animal pelts and skins. Ferret. Cat. Beaver. Wombat. Beagle.
Yak. Sperm Whale. And a number of others. All stitched together. He took a swig from a silver
flask and looked at the various pictures of deceased Legion members that they had lost yesterday.
They should have called him in. He would have been able to handle that Beast. Had he not hunted
down and dispatched all the others? And this Animal didn't even have the astounding miracle powers
that they did.
He remembered the final battle he had with the last of those Miracle Beasts. It was the Maggot. On
a melting iceberg close to the North Pole -- that's where it had been. That was actually a pretty
easy battle as if the Beast didn't have its heart in it. Maybe it didn't want to live in world
without all of the others. Perhaps. He rubbed his amber amulet that he wore around his neck. He
could see the lifeless corpse of that Maggot trapped forever in it. Sometimes he almost missed
them. His desire to destroy them all gave his life some type of meaning. He was The Beast Slayer.
And now -- there were no more Beasts to slay. He gave a heavy sigh and took another swig.
He turned his head and looked as the Legion's Throne Room became more and more crowded as more and
more members began to arrive. He didn't want to be here for whatever this was -- which most likely
was going to be some very boring speech from The Lord of Fear. He looked at the center of the room.
There an elderly black man very badly bruised that was shackled to a Saltire Cross decorated with
various glowing crystal skulls. The head terrorist himself. Namer Boy. Various chatting among the
members began to drown the room.
But then everyone hushed up.
The Lord of Fear had finally arrive.
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"Too many good people died Yesterday," said The Lord of Fear with a solemn expression on his face.
"You know their names. Breaker. Knifer. Countdown. Cooker. Crasher. Hitter. Grimmer.
Gritter. Beatdown. Rocker. Puller. Jacker." He paused a for a moment. "And Maiden. They gave
their lives for us. For this World." And another long pause. "And it could have been much worse
if not for Evacuator's quick thinking." A number of claps from people. "Yeah. She did good." He
joined with the clappers. "But as tragic as Yesterday was -- we might be finely near the end of
this Nightmare. Yes, finely. Thanks to my wife," he gestured towards Lady Ripper who had a very
uncomfortable look on her face. "She helped take down this..." He stared coldly at Huck
Dolluhrind. "This man. Leader of these insurgents. Of these killers.
"But I'm not here for vengeance and retaliation. I'm here to plead for an end to this madness. I'm
here to plead to you -- Namer..." There was bit of pause as if he was really uncomfortable saying
the rest of the name. "...Boy. We can both end this. Give me all the info on all the rest of your
group. You and all your members that are still alive still have chance -- a chance to return to
side of good. To be forgiven for all your sins."
"Really?" laughed Huck while wincing in pain. "Is brutally beating the shit out of an elderly black
man chained to a wall -- is that what qualifies as good these days?"
"If there was excessive force used..."
"If?" Huck opened his mouth wide open as if to show all the gaps where teeth used to be. "But no
-- let's not delude ourselves here. This is never going to end. Even if I were to submit and
betray everyone and they submitted -- that would never satisfy you. There will always be the
goofiness and silliness that you can't squash away. Eventually you'll see it lurking in everyone
around you -- and I'm surprised you can't see it right now.
"I mean look at the Preacher -- with his hairless monks -- eyebrows and pubic hair all shaved away.
And that silly, ridiculous hat he's always wearing." The Righteous Inquisitor scowled as if that
remark hit a bit too close to home. "And is the Time Evacuator anymore serious than the Time
Crapper? Is the Beast Slayer somehow less goofy than the Holiday Miracle Pet Catcher? How about
that werewolf over there smoking a pipe while reading the Wall Street Journal? How is that not
completely ridiculous?!!" The werewolf with a very self conscious look on his face as he became
aware that everyone was looking at him slowly moved the paper upwards till it was completely hiding
his face.
"I suppose The Lord of Fear is actually a really appropriate name for you -- because that's all you
do. You Fear. That's your religion. You Fear Everyone. You Fear Anything That Could Change This
World. You Fear It All. So destroy me. Destroy whatever is left of my group -- doesn't matter.
You're always going to need an enemy. It is never going to end." Huck looked down. "Do your
worst."
The Lord of Fear frowned. "Very well." He gestured to the Righteous Inquisitor whose trident began
to glow.
And then a loud blaring noise exploded from the speakers. At first it sounded like a creaking door
and then some bubbling sounds followed by a drum. And then some goofy sounding music like from the
early 60s. And singing.
'I was working in my lab -- late one night
when my eyes beheld an eyrie sight...'
And then the whole room darkened with only colorful strobe lights stabbing any brightness into it.
'...And suddenly to my surprise..."
"What the Hell...?" said The Lord of Fear quickly scanning the ceiling.
'...He did the MASH!'
And then some incredibly large hulking man wearing a Namer Boy mask entered the Throne Room. In one
hand he had this strange looking box. And in the other -- he had a chainsaw. The chainsaw wielding
man's eyes swept the room and when he realized that there didn't seem to be any horny college kids
-- he sighed a disappointed sigh. And then he hurled the strange mysterious box at Lady Ripper.
And with a savage yank of the chainsaw's cord -- the Chainsaw he was holding became alive. And he
raised that roaring chainsaw up. And Everything felt like it was in slow motion.
The Lord of Fear glanced uneasily at the box Lady Ripper had caught. What was in that -- a bomb
maybe? No. Dancer can handle it. Got to... And then he flew into the air with guns a blazing at
the chainsaw guy.
Lady Ripper looked at the box and then she looked at Huck Dolluhrind who had this pleading look on
his face -- to do something. Anything. Please. And she looked back at the box. And then at The
Lord of Fear. The bullets hadn't done any good and now Felix was wrestling with the chainsaw guy
for control of the chainsaw. No. He was right. This was never going to end. They were going to
purge and purge. And it would never stop -- because no one was ever going to be serious enough for
this world. It was just going to... and she began to walk.
There had to be change.
The Lord of Fear grabbed at the Namer Boy mask -- and that was the one thing that the chainsaw guy
wouldn't tolerate. He used both of his hands to protect the mask -- letting go of the chainsaw.
The Lord of Fear quickly snatched the chainsaw with both hands and began to ferociously stab away at
the Namer Boy masked man with it. Like some insane butcher he sawed and sawed away -- as blood
sprayed all over his face and body. There was an intense hatred in The Lord of Fear's eyes and a
frustration. He should be dead by now -- but this thing just refused... just refused to go gently
in the night. And then he heard a voice. "I'm sorry..."
He turned his head. And there was Lady Ripper pulling something out of box and placing it on his
head. Something that burned. The Lord of Fear screamed a ghastly scream as he tried to pull it off
burning his fingers badly. And he screamed some more.
The Carmen Miranda Hat would not be removed.
Lady Ripper felt a slight bit of guilt as Felix howled in agony from the fruit covered hat. But she
didn't have time to think about that. She looked at the rest of the Legion. They seemed to be in a
kind of daze as if they weren't sure what was happening. And then she loudly said, "WikiSentry!
There is only one of you and you are right next to me!" Every single WikiSentry in the world
disappeared except for the one next to Lady Ripper.
"You're an indestructible huge TV with VCR that can easily catch and play any VIDEO TAPE WITHOUT --
ANY --PROBLEM!! And your editing is locked for everyone without exception for the next Hour!" And
WikiSentry became an indestructible huge TV with VCR that could easily catch and play any video tape
without any problem.
And with that done -- Lady Ripper -- gyrated her hips and launched her legs right into the air. And
she began spinning through the room like a hurricane.
"...And it's a Graveyard SMASH..."
There was huge tremor and a large crack began racing across the floor of The Headquarters towards
the Crystal Skull Throne. Pretty much all of rest of the Legion were still in daze from the blaring
Bobby Pickett song and flashing lights -- except for The Righteous Inquisitor who realized what she
was trying to do and aimed his trident at Lady Ripper's legs. "Stop, Treacherous WHORE! STOP!!!!
"...it's caught on in a flash!"
The Lord of Fear stopped his screaming and howling as he saw The Righteous Inquisitor blasting away
at Lady Ripper. "No! DON'T!!!" And he rushed over ripping the trident away from The Inquisitor.
And then he impaled the trident right into The Inquisitor's heart with a face filled with wrath.
The Righteous Inquisitor had a look of sad confusion on his face -- and silently mouthed the word,
'Why?' right before his revampire body burst into a pile of dust and bones.
Lady Ripper was in terrible pain and couldn't dance any more. She could feel that she wasn't long
for this world. But with what life she still had left, she crawled her way toward towards the
Crystal Skull Throne that had by now been split into two. She could see the tape in the chasm
between the two parts and she grabbed at it. And she threw it into the air.
And even though it was a rather weak throw, The WikiSentry could sense it and shot out a mechanical
tentacle with a baseball glove on it that easily caught it and quickly recoiled it back. And then
it easily shoved it right into its slot door. And it began.
That VHS Bootleg Copy of the Namer Boy Documentary Project -- began to play. And nothing (at least
in this Universe) was going to stop it. Nothing.
The Lord of Fear cradled Lady Ripper's body. "Can't... Can't... feel..." she started to say. Her
lower body had been completely burned away. And the burning wasn't stopping. Eventually it would
reach her revampire heart. And that would be it.
Tears began to well out of the Lord of Fear's face. "God, Tara... why did you... why did you have
to...?"
"Is some... sometheen... happ... happuh...?"
The Lord of Fear turned his head toward the WikiSentry TV/VCR. Various members of Legion had
started to attack it with powers -- with weapons, but to no avail. It was indestructible. Some of
the hacker Legion members tried to override the Edit lock -- but they weren't getting anywhere
either.
And the rest just stared helplessly at the TV as if their legs didn't work anymore. Just waiting.
And a black and white parakeet wearing a tiny witch hat appeared to flutter around on the screen.
It had a ghostly look. It started to peck and peck at the screen. And the pecking became more and
more violent. Most of the Legion weren't aware of what that thing was. There was only one person
that really knew what it was -- who had met it once. And there was a bit of nervous excitement on
the Beast Slayer's face as the parakeet emerged from the cracked screen.
He took his fedora off of his bald head. He could see it flapping towards him -- and he knew he
couldn't stop it this time. He had already killed it years ago. He looked at his brown fedora with
a number of candy corn colored feathers wrapped around the hat's band. He felt an awful chill in
his body as the ghost of Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet flew right into his stomach. And
then he clutched himself as he fell down to his knees.
And he felt probably that same feeling that the Titan Kronos had when he realized that all of the
children he had gobbled up weren't going to stay neatly put in that belly of his. Nope. They were
going to return. All of them. ALL -- OF -- THEM!
The Beast Slayer began to heave and retch. And then a geyser of blood and bile shot out of his
mouth giving birth to a baby Komodo Dragon wearing a tiny baby blood stained Easter Bonnet. And
then more came. A baby kitten. A baby Beaver. A baby Ferret. And more and more and more.
Spewing and hurling them all out of his throat -- he began to think that maybe eating the flesh of
all of those Holiday Miracle Pets hadn't been the brightest of ideas. Still -- there was something
so beautiful about them. He had missed that terrible beauty.
The Lord of Fear watched helplessly as these tiny baby holiday miracle pets were racing through the
Throne Room -- leaving traces of cartoon like hearts, fireworks, and four leaf clovers as they
zipped around. He could hear someone scream, "This must be all taking place on Holiday Miracle Pet
Week! That's the only way ANY of this makes any sense!!!!!" Reality began to break down.
This was their world now. No more room for the glowing crystal skulls.
And as if preparing for whatever Judgment that was about to come, The Lord of Fear closed his eyes.
He held the dusty bones of Lady Ripper close to him.
And he waited.
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And then something...
...something changed.
He could smell something that he hadn't smelled in years. Pumpkin? Pumpkin Spice?
A Pumpkin Spice Latte?!
He rolled his tongue around in his mouth. His fangs were gone.
And finally, he opened his eyes. He was sitting at a table outdoors outside a Cafe -- there was big
glass mug filled with pumpkin spice latte and whip cream. And he could see The City around him...
like it had been when it was Net.ropolis. Back before the...
And sitting opposite of him right at that same table was...
"Tara?"
"God. Did all that... was any of that...?" Tara Shreds had a very upset look on her face.
"Tara?"
"Sorry... need to..." She digged her phone from her purse and began pushing some buttons on it.
"Hello? Oh, god! Suzy? Is that really you?!" Tara's eyes began to well up. "God... wish I was
there so I could give you the biggest hug that... Yes yes yes... Mommy's all right! Just... Is
Daddy there? Put Daddy on the phone? Tony? Is that you? Oh godgod... Thought I would never ever
hear... Yes, I'm okay! I know I'm sounding crazy. Something very weird happened to me... and...
and... can't talk about it here... will... where am I? Just downtown. I was... umm... shopping...
yeah. I'm glad... glad you're alive. I'm glad the kids... are alive. I'm glad..." She sniffed
her nose, "Okay, yeah... be home in a little while... yeah, bye..."
And as Felix Landers watched her make that call it occurred to him that he needed to make one too.
"Multi-Tasking Man? There's a situation. Need to know where Bad Timing Boy is. What? Casualty
Ward? Some parakeet brutally attacked him? Good. That's good... err I mean not not that that's
good... hopefully he has a umm... a quick recovery... yeah, quick recovery of course. Yeah, just
make sure he's nowhere near the The Bad Timing Boy (and Bad Judgment Boy) Can-Never-Ever-Ever-Ever-
Ever-Ever-Ever-EVER-Be-Allowed-Into-This-Room Room. Yes. And make sure no one is in that room. No
one. Just lock it down. Lock It Down. Yeah, I'll explain when I get back to Headquarters. Yes.
Uhuh. Will do." And he clicked his communi... comm.thingee off.
"What -- what happened?" said Tara looking at Felix.
"I think -- I think time travel maybe. One of the miracle pets went back in time and stopped...
stopped Bad Timing Boy from starting the bomb. So so no bomb going off... everything's -- normal.
Everything's... All that revampire stuff never happened. An Elsewhirl -- I guess."
"So why -- why do we remember it? Also I wasn't getting a pumpkin spice latte with you when it
happened."
"Yeah, I don't know. I guess maybe so we could take care of that Bomb so it never ever blows up?
Perhaps that's why. And... and I don't why we're both here having some pumpkin spice lattes."
There was a bit of silence. "It's... it's been a long time, Tara."
"Yeah. Yeah, it has. Well, unless you count all of that stuff when we were members of The Legion
of Night Hellmasters."
"Right," Felix let out an awkward chuckle.
"Yeah, a long time. I mean I always meant to... you know... visit. It's just... crazy shit always
happens there. And that place -- just tons of traumatic memories."
"I know. Don't like thinking about that time. Or even thinking about the color Beige. Really,
really hate that color."
Tara laughed.
"So... so, you're married... you got kids?"
"Yeah. Yeah. They're... great. Wanted to invite you to the wedding... but... you know...
Superheroes and Weddings. But -- Tony's great. You'd like him. Kids are amazing. Sometimes it's
-- it's difficult, but I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"I'm glad -- glad for you."
"How about... how about you? Anyone special?"
"Well, there was this something -- in an alternate world. Kind of complicated -- kind of weird, I
don't know... can't really... ummm... it's kind of awkward to talk about..." Felix's face had a
slight blush.
"It's okay. You don't need to explain it." She placed her hand on his hand in a comforting way.
"You'll find your happiness someday. You're a good guy, Felix."
"Am I?" He looked away from her. "Was that me in that other world -- was that a good guy?"
"Maybe -- maybe we were being influenced by those Crystal Skulls..."
"Yeah, maybe. But the scary thing is -- I could rationalize all of my actions there as some
necessary evil -- things that needed to be done to protect... protect the status quo. That's...
that's the scary thing. Maybe I felt I was doing the right thing. Maybe I..."
"Could be -- could be that's why we're being forced to remember all of that stuff that we did.
Maybe we could have made different choices -- that's what they're trying to tell us. Maybe we
didn't have to become monsters -- or if we had to become monsters -- maybe we didn't have to become
terrible monsters. I -- I don't know. I don't... God, glad I'm an ordinary person again. Don't
have to think about..." She snorted out a laugh. "I think I'm finally cured of ever wanting to be
Ripping Dancer."
"Maybe that's what I need to do. Become an ordinary person. Maybe open a bait and tackle shop in
like Montana or something..."
Tara shook her head while letting out a snicker. "No. That's... that's not you. You're not
going to do that. This is what you do. You're going to keep saving the world. And you're going
to keep doing that till you... till you..." And she paused. She fished in her purse for a tissue
-- blew her nose and then wiped her eyes a bit.
"Yeah, guess you're right. Guess that's my lot in life."
"God, the time. Got to get back and... need to..."
"Yeah. I know. It was good seeing you, Tara." And they both got up from their chairs. And
there was hug. A very long hug.
"Oh, these damn tears!" she said laughing a bit while sniffling as she wiped her eyes again with
another tissue. "You're going to have to come and see the house. We'll have some dinner. You'll
see Tony and the kids... you'll -- You're going to like them. And they've never seen an actual
superhero. You'll be the first superhero that they've ever..."
[continued in next message]
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* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)