LNH/NTB: Classic LNH Adventures #192: Beige Midnight Part Twenty-Eight



You can sift through the racc list archive https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for the twenty-sixth part of Beige Midnight.

Here's the second third of issue #9 -- PLANET
MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!! 'Mite Lite of the Gods' by me (Arthur Spitzer). Oh, forgot to give Saxon credit for the small part he wrote last time with Twitter and Well-Adjusted-And-Doesn't-Have-To-Dress-Up-Like-An-Animal-To- Deal-With-His-Crippling-Emotional-Pain. No, Saxon Brenton this issue sadly.

And the battle of all battles continues! Can the LNH Receptionist staff stop the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers Receptionist staff? Can Cannon Fodder stop Evil Alternate Looniverse LNH Babies? Can the Slobbering Grue! get some Free Pretzels?


Find out in...


_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #192


=====================
Beige Midnight Part Twenty-Eight
=====================






Part II

**** <<--BM-->> ****


The old grizzled cowpoke swaggered over the battle torn LNHHQ front
lawn. His hands were itching to fill any sorry soul with lead that got
in the way. But there was only one sorry soul that he really cared
about enough to snuff out.

His eyes scanned the field. There. His great enemy. He took a shot
just to get the varmint's attention.

The California Kid turned his head. "Dude, you totally messed my hair."
And then he noticed who had shot him. "Dude! You're like dead or something."

The old man spit something on the ground. Something black and
disgusting. "Yep, I was dead -- but I've been dead many, many times
before. And every time someone kills me, I rise from the ashes. Rise
from the ashes like the state capital of Arizona. You know what that
is, Californian?"

"Like Lake Havasu City or something ungnarly like that?"

"Lake Havasu City [*]? It's called Lake Havasu!! There is no City in
its name you stupid Californian!! And the capital of Arizona is..."
But before he could give an explanation a crazy guy with a knife stabbed
him to death.

"Knife Fight Duel!! Knife Fight Duel!!" shouted Knife Fight Dude as he
stabbed the already dead Arizona Kid a few more times.

"Dude!!" shouted the California Kid. "You totally killed my greatest arch-bummer!! Again!! Not cool, Dude."

Knife Fight Dude looked slightly embarrassed. "Ah, yeah. Sorry about
that. I think I might have a problem. I think I might have," he paused
with a pained look on his face and then continued, "A knife fight duel addiction. I should probably get help."

"Yeah, maybe you should, dude."



[* -- Actually there is a city called Lake Havasu City in Arizona --
Footnote Girl]



**** <<--BM-->> ****


And as Building Suspense Lad tumbled towards the ground, at the very
last possible second he was caught by fuzzy ambiguous arms.

"Hey dummy!" said Fuzzy. "Try using your LNH Flight Ring -- why don't
you!!"

"LNH Flight Ring?" asked a puzzled Building Suspense Lad.

"That thing on your right hand!!"

"Oh? This? I thought that was something for decorative purposes."

Fuzzy shook her head. "Newbies," she muttered to herself.

"How about we grab a bite after this?"

"A bite? Are you seriously asking me out on a date? Do you see what's happening around us? It's the friggin' end of the world!!"

"So is that a yes -- a no?"

"Look kid, I'm old enough to be your -- umm -- older sister." And then
Fuzzy paused and looked at the insanity surrounding her. "Oh, what the
hell. If we survive all this -- then yeah, sure. If we survive! And
I'm picking the restaurant -- and the movie! And you're paying for
everything! And oh, yeah -- we're going to have some kind of sex
because dammit if I'm going on some stupid date I better get some kind
of sex out of it! That's non-negotiable! Understand? You're okay with
all of that?"

"Umm, yeah sure!"

"Alright then. It's a damn date then -- assuming we're still alive
tonight!"

"Okay! When should I pick you up?"



**** <<--BM-->> ****


It was some kind of monster that seemed to be made up of pages. Pages
filled with LNH stories. And it was tearing its way through the streets
of Net.ropolis destroying everything in its path.

"What is that thing?" asked Retcon Lad.

"Let me check!" said Fourth Wall Lass as she moved above the constraints
of the story she was in so she could read its text. As she skimmed
through Beige Midnight #9 she got to the part she was in and began to
read closer. The monster was some beast known as the Fourth Wallower.
A beast that had formed in the cracks of the Fourth Wall and was made up
of various LNH stories. And every time someone broke the Fourth Wall,
it became more and more powerful. Broke the Fourth Wall! Nothing about
any weaknesses, she noticed reading further. Have to go back, she
thought even though she knew she'd cause even further damage to the
Fourth Wall doing just that.

"Terri! It's gotten more powerful!" said Retcon Lad. "What is this thing?"

"It's called the Fourth Wallower," explained Fourth Wall Lass. "And
every time someone breaks the Fourth Wall -- it gets more and more
powerful. I didn't see any weaknesses."

"Maybe if I try retconning..." said Retcon Lad.

"No!" said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story. "Yours and
Limp Asparagus Lad's powers by their very nature involve breaking the
Fourth Wall. You'll only be making it harder to stop. I've got to take
it on by myself!"

"Hmm," said Limp Asparagus Lad in a very bland toneless voice, "What you
say is true. However, since we are in Beige Midnight you shouldn't
actually be in this miniseries -- should you?"

"Oh, right," said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story. And
then he passed out from Beige Midnight poisoning.

"Umm, Limpy," said Retcon Lad. "Couldn't you have waited till *after*
he had defeated the Fourth Wallower before telling him that?"

"Hmm. Good point," nodded Limp Asparagus Lad.

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Guys. We really need to stop breaking the Fourth Wall," said Fourth
Wall Lass.

"Hmm. Of course saying the words 'Fourth Wall' could technically count
as breaking the Fourth Wall. Especially if you had the word breaking
next to them," pointed out Limp Asparagus Lad.

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Right," said Retcon Lad. "No more saying the words, 'Fourth Wall'. No
one say, 'Fourth Wall'. Just don't say it."

The three heroes paused for a while as the Fourth Wallower continued to
throw cars around the street and smash store windows.

"Boy," said Retcon Lad. "Not breaking the Fourth Wall is a lot harder
than it seems. We should probably switch villains with somebody else."

"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.

"Yes, definitely," said Fourth Wall Lass dodging a flying car.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


"I tell you Mind-O -- these End-of-the-World-Ragnarok Mixers are the
best place to pick up chicks!" said Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law
swigging the beer he had. "I can't even tell you how much tail I got
back during that whole Bride of Cthulhu kegger! It would boggle your
mind! Yeah, there's something about the world ending that causes
women's baby making hormones to totally explode. And you just say the
word and they'll totally spread their legs!" Color-Error Man's
Brother-in-Law took another swig. "That's just science, man!"

MIND-O-Saurus slightly rolled his eyes a bit. "Aren't you married to
someone?"

"Oh, you mean Donna? Yeah -- but she's okay with it -- as long as she
doesn't find out about it. If she finds out about -- well, she gets
really pissed. So, you know -- don't tell her anything about it. Okay?"

"We're here to destroy the LNH. Not pick up on women!"

"Hey, man! Who says we can't do both!? Speaking of which..." said
Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law spotting himself a female LNH'r.
"Watch the Maestro go to work!" Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law
spritzed something in his mouth.

Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law walked over to the LNH'r and started
chatting with her. "Hey, babe. Have you ever met an astronaut? Well,
then this is your lucky day -- because I'm an astronaut. Yep. And you
want to know what my next mission is? I'll tell you -- my next mission
is -- to explore -- Uranus. Get it? Explore Ur-Anus! Yeah, I want to
explore -- Ur-Anus! Tell you what -- lets go to a hotel and I'll
explain that whole Uranus line a bit..."

The LNH'r shook her head and then she started to speak. "SORRY! I'D
RATHER NOT. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY JUST ANOTHER SLEAZY SUPERVILLAIN AND NOT
AN ASTRONAUT -- AND YES -- I DO GET THE URANUS LINE PERFECTLY WELL. AND
ALSO THAT RING ON YOUR FINGER SUGGESTS YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE -- POOR
WOMEN WHOEVER SHE IS! OH AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR EARDRUMS HAVE BURST DO
TO MY SHOUTING AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR BALANCE! SORRY ABOUT THAT!! OH AND
YOU'VE ALSO PASSED OUT, IT SEEMS -- SO THERE'S PROBABLY NO POINT IN
CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!"

And Sister-SHOUT-the-Obvious looked at the two passed out supervillains.
"HMM! THAT BEING SAID, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD! AND I CAN'T BE
TOO PICKY! I WONDER IF THAT WEIRD LOOKING DINOSAUR CREATURE IS SINGLE!"


**** <<--BM-->> ****

He was a man in a bear costume. He had a vest and belt and attached to
them were spools of thread. And he could feel something tugging him.
Something tugging him across this massive superhero and supervillain battlefield. Something that felt like Destiny.

And he could also see another being tugged. Being tugged towards him.
It was the Wicked One. A despicable degenerate creature that had killed thousands upon thousands of bears. It was The Bear Killer. Strangely
enough the beast looked very human. It wore some costume that looked
like it had been pieced together by various bear body parts.

Thread Bear roared with anger. "BEAR KILLER!!!! Your time has come to
an END!!!!"

The Bear Killer laughed an evil laugh. "So, you're the so called
'Thread Bear'! Yes, maybe you will end me, but I shall end you too! So
is our fate!"

"Yes," nodded Thread Bear solemnly. "So is our fate. Then shall we begin?"

"Yes, Thread Bear," said the Bear Killer with a savage expression on his
face. "We shall..." And then pain filled the Bear Killer's face. A
very horrible pain. "Ow! OWWW!!!!"

"What is wrong, Bear Killer?"

"My back! It's been killing me all this week! I thought it was getting
better today, but -- oh..."

"Ouch! I had a problem with my back like a month ago. Well, then. We
should probably put off this battle till you've gotten your back checked."

"Oh, it's nothing..."

"No, I insist!"

"Really? That's awfully kind of you. How about we do this -- in oh say
a month from now?"

Thread Bear shook his head. "Got a thing going. How about a year from
now?'

The Bear Killer shook his head. "Nope. Won't do. I've got something
going too. Two Years?"

Thread Bear shook his head. "How about Five Years?"

"No. Oh, I know! How about Ten Years from now?"

"Hmm," said Thread Bear thumbing through his schedule planner. "I think
that could actually work. Yeah! Let's do that. Ten Years from now!"

"Then Ten Years from now, Thread Bear. We shall dance in each other's
blood! So it is written!!"

"So it is written!!" roared Thread Bear. "Oh, and here's a card for
back specialist I know. He's a miracle worker."

"Thanks," said the Bear Killer who took the card and then disappeared
into the raging battle.

Thread Bear looked at his watch. "Hmm. Looks like it's about quitting
time!"


**** <<--BM-->> ****


And there were four of them. The first one was a blonde haired women
with swastikas tattooed all over her whole body. She wore a leather SS
outfit and she wielded a black whip. Her name was Hitlerinna Hitlerella.

The second one was a man with scabs and scars all over his face. He was sensitive sort and cried all of the time. Tears of Blood. His name was
Fester O'Crying. His weapon of choice was a chainsaw.

The third one looked like an average going guy. He was just doing this
for the money. Hey, times were tough. A dog eat dog world. And
sometimes you had to kill people to pay the bills. His name was Dewey S
Job. He had a gun.

And the last one? His name was Dead. Dead the Receptionist.

All four were members of the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers receptionist
staff. And now they were here to put to rest the LNH receptionist staff.

As they entered the LNHHQ lobby, they saw three people manning the
receptionist desk. Kyoko Ishikawa, who had two sharpened pencils in her
hand. Lester O'Brien, who had a hot pot of coffee. And finally Fred.
Fred the Receptionist. Who had a gun.

"Could you explain to me why you're the only one of us that has a gun?"
asked Kyoko.

"Hey, I'm not writing this story!" said Fred.

"Your outnumbered, LNH Receptionists!" cried Fester O'Crying. "There's
only three of you."

Fred cursed Bart silently. You should be here with us Bart. Damn you.

"Hey, I just want you people to know -- I have nothing against you
guys," said Dewey S Job. "Just paying the bills. Nothing personal!"

"Shut up, weakling!" said Hitlerinna Hitlerella cracking her whip.
"This is the beginning of the Master Race -- The Master Receptionist
Race!!!!" Hitlerinna cackled with glee.

"Faith and Begorrah!" said Lester O'Brien.

And Dead the Receptionist? Dead the Receptionist said nothing. He
watched and waited.

"Kyoko! Lester! Let's show these bums what we're made of!" said Fred.

"That's easy for the guy who has the gun to say," muttered Kyoko as she clenched her sharpened pencils in her hands.

Hitlerinna laughed. "You three are finished. You three are..." Before
she could finish that thought though a car going at insane speeds
crashed right through the sliding glass doors of the LNHHQ and plowed
over three of the LNFL receptionists. Dewey S Job who managed to not
get hit dropped his gun and started to run for it only to be stopped by
a pencil that Kyoko threw into his leg.

Fred looked at the damage. Both Hitlerinna and Fester were bad off, but
they would probably live. Dead the Receptionist however -- was dead.

"Who?" asked Kyoko. "Who was it driving?"

"There's only one man I know who can drive like that," said Lester O'Brien.

Fred nodded. "Yes. Buddy. Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist! He saved us with his drunk driving abilities."

"God bless him," said Lester.

"Oh right. Him," nodded Kyoko. "I remember that. Ultimate Ninja fired
him in less than a day. I had to take over his shift." She looked at
Buddy's face. It was leaning on the car's air bag. There was something dripping off of his face. Something red. "He's not -- he's not...?"

Lester sniffed the air. "Nope. That's definitely Bloody Mary cocktail
mix if I ever smelled it."

There was a goofy grin on Buddy's face. And then Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist passed out.




**** <<--BM-->> ****

They were babies. Babies with superpowers from another Looniverse. An
evil Looniverse. There was Pocket Baby. Organic Baby. Baby Yell.
Lurking Baby. Baby Anarky. Lost Cause Baby. And Baby Continuity Champ.

"Ooh! They're adorable! Just adorable!" said Catalyst Lass as the evil
LNH babies crawled closer. "I mean, yes -- I know they're supposedly
evil LNH babies, but really! I'm sure all they need is a loving
nurturing family to raise them and they'd all grow up to be decent
caring superheroes. That's what they need!"

"Umm. Cat? Maybe we should..." Cannon Fodder started to say, but was interrupted by Baby Continuity Champ flying right through his body.

"Oh! Ouch!" said a wincing Catalyst Lass. "Okay. That's -- that's not
so cute or adorable. No. Killing Cannon Fodder is wrong! Naughty,
naughty behavior!" Catalyst Lass waved her fingers in a stern manner.


**** <<--BM-->> ****

There were lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot cowboys, revampire
werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists, space pirate bankers,
and other assorted creatures from peoples nightmares. And they were all
taking a break at the moment while they did various perverse things with various hero corpses.

And Bad Judgment Boy cleared his throat. "*Ahem*. Hey! Hey, you
pussies! You cowards! You sissy men and lipstick lesbians!! Yeah
you!!" The various monstrosities turned their heads and looked at Bad
Judgment Boy. "I just wanted you all to know that I just had loads and
loads of sex with your moms, sisters, girlfriends, wives, daughters, and aunts!! And oh yeah -- your fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends,
sons, and uncles and too!!! And now they're all pregnant and have
horrible STDs!! And I only paid them a nickel! Yeah! A nickel!! And
that was probably 5 cents too much at that!! Yeah!! And now I'm going
to kick all of your cry baby asses with my vast knowledge of Karate!!
Yeah!! Kay-Rot-Aye!! But because I'm so badass I'll be doing it
blindfolded and hopping on one foot!! Yeah!!" Bad Judgment Boy then
took a blindfold he had and put it on while the various blood soaked
villains watched. And then he started to hop on one foot. "Okay!! I'm ready!! Ready to kick all of your asses!!! Let's get this Ass Kicking Started!!!"

And with that said all of the lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot
cowboys, revampire werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists,
space pirate bankers, and other assorted creatures from peoples
nightmares began breaking bottles, starting their chainsaws, and other
gruesome weapons so they could completely tear to pieces this stupid
moron. And then someone shouted, "Kill Him!!!!"

And the blindfolded Bad Judgment Boy began flailing his arms and hands.
He could hear various bodies being thrown to the ground. Damn he was
good! He wasn't even hitting anyone and they were falling. After
awhile he couldn't hear anyone attacking him. He paused his flailing
and took a peak out of his blindfold. Damn! Every single one of them
was bound and gagged!

"Damn," said Bad Judgment Boy. "I am the best!" And then Bad Judgment
Boy pumped his fist in the air. Time to celebrate! Maybe he'd have sex
with a goat, while someone took pictures of it and he could use that for
his Christmas Cards photo. Yeah! Great idea!

Bad Judgment Boy didn't bother to read any of the post-it notes that
were attached to all 13,000 bad guys.


+------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Dear LNHers, |
| |
| Hope this helps some. Wish I could do |
| more. Alas, there are billions of crimes |
| being committed as I write these words in my |
| own home Altiverse so I must get back there. |
| I wish you luck though. May good triumph |
| over evil... and all that jazz! |
| Oh! And that Mr. Paprika soft drink? It |
| is a Man's pop, isn't it! |
| And oh yes! You should probably keep that |
| Bad Judgment Boy fellow away from sharp |
| objects! |
| |
| Best Regards, |
| Superguy |
| |
+------------------------------------------------+



**** <<--BM-->> ****


LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --



And as Occultism Kid prepared to put on the Ring of Retconn, he felt a
sharp jolt. It was from the Cosmic Plot Device. He could feel a deep
hatred emit from the Cosmic Plot Device. It didn't want anything to do
with the Ring of Retconn. And the Ring felt likewise. It didn't really
matter to Occultism Kid though. He didn't really care about whatever
history or whatever caused this hatred. He had much bigger things to
worry about.

As he slipped the Ring on, he felt another rush of power overwhelm him.
He watched as the various Trenchcoater circles that surrounded him
absorbed part of the Ring's power like a sponge. And he watched as the
various Trenchcoaters convulsed and shivered as the power passed through
them. And then he felt a huge pain. And he looked down. Blood was
oozing and dripping down on the pentagram. This was bad. This was very
bad. It must have been the power surge caused by putting on the Ring.
It must have caused Lady 58.5 to temporarily lose control over whatever
spell she had used to pause the wounds bleeding. And now it was really bleeding. And the blood drops were already interfering with the spell.
He had to do something quickly or he was going to pass out from blood
loss. He had to retcon the wound away.

And so he focused the Ring's power on the wound. And it was never
there. It had never been there. He had never been stabbed by that
acolyte of the Bryttle Brothers. Everything was perfectly fine now. It
had always been fine.

And then he heard a cackling sound. It was that annoying invisible
force in the room that was messing with the juke box and light switches.
Why was it laughing?

Occultism Kid ignored the laughing force and focused his mind on the
still sleeping forms of the Bryttle Brothers. No. Still not enough
power. Occultism Kid sighed. He was going to have to put on the
Insanity Gauntlet. He had no choice now. And then a notion popped into
his head. What if. What if he hadn't used the ring to heal his wound?
Would he have had enough power to stop the Bryttles? Was that why the invisible force was laughing? Was Occultism Kid's choice to save his
own life something that he'd eventually regret? Was he supposed to
sacrifice his own life to stop the Bryttles? And now that he had failed
to do that he would have to sacrifice others to ultimately end the Dekay
and Diskolor?

It was pointless to speculate. He couldn't retcon his retcon. He would
have to live with his choice. He would have to wear the Insanity Gauntlet.

And the Invisible Force continued to laugh. And Occultism Kid felt a
great anger in him. He would destroy that thing. How dare it laugh at him!

He scanned the room using his cosmic devices. Nothing. There was
nothing! Could this being be so powerful that it could hide its
presence from the Cosmic Plot Device and Ring of Retconn?

It didn't matter. Maybe it could hide from the Cosmic Plot Device and
Ring of Retconn, but it couldn't hide from the Insanity Gauntlet.

No. He'd find it and destroy it. And he'd watch it scream.

His hand reached for the Gauntlet. But before he could put it on, the Crossover Gem suddenly burst a huge beam towards the ceiling and beyond
that.

What the hell, thought Occultism Kid as the beam grew brighter.


**** <<--BM-->> ****


Above the LNHHQ's Front Lawn --


The Crossover Queen smiled. She could feel the power of the Crossover
Gem start to absorb into her body. The Gem was somewhere close. She
could taste it. Her various H'yyydde'uzzian sources said it was located
in one of the sub-sub basements of the LNHHQ. Finally, it would be hers
again. And once she got it (and whatever other baubles that were
located there) she'd have the power to rule the Looniverse once again
and bring about the Ultimate Crossover to End All Crossovers.

Still, there were tons of superheroes that would probably try to stop
her. She'd have to do something about them. Yes, she would.

Her hand began to crackle with the Crossover energy she had taken from
the gem and she focused that energy on the ground below.

"Come back Crossovers of old! Come back the Finished and the
Unfinished!! Come back my children!! Come back and Destroy!!"

And various abominations and monstrosities began crawl out of the
ground. Beings made of retcons, flame, gibberish, pointless deaths, and mutton.

The Personifications of Old, Dead Crossovers and Events began to rise.
First the Cosmic Plot Device Caper and then the rest. Electrocutioner's
Song. Robot Invasion. Bad Forms. Omaha Project. All Six Flame Wars.
The Century Pact. Mutton Mania. The Imagine Saxon's RACCies Family.
And countless others.

"Destroy!" said Crossover Queen pointing towards the LNHHQ. "Destroy
the LNH!!!" And they obeyed.

And somewhere on the ground Continuity Porn Star convulsed and spasmed
with ecstasy.



**** <<--BM-->> ****

"Free Pretzels!! Get your Free Pretzels!! All the Free Pretzels you
could possibly want -- And they're Free!!"

"Oh boy!" said a short green toad like creature in white boxer shorts.
A creature who liked to think of himself as the champion of the city of Espayola (the citizens of Espayola thought otherwise). A creature known
to the world at large as -- The Slobbering Grue! He quickly hopped over
the dead bodies of heroes and villains to the free pretzel stand. "Free things! Free Things! I like Free Things!" Which was true, although he
liked to steal things even more. "How many can I get for free?"

"You can have them all if you want!" explained the Free Pretzel Stand
Man. "They're all Free! You can eat every single one of them!!"

"Wow!!" said Slobbering Grue! "Every single one of them?"

"Yes," smiled the Free Pretzel Stand Man. "Every single one of them!
But you'll have to eat them quickly because they're only free for the
first 15 minutes! And then sadly you'll have to pay for them!!"

"Oh no!" gasped Slobbering Grue! "Say it ain't so!! Oh, well. Guess I
better start eating then?"

"Yes, that would probably be a good idea."

And Slobbering Grue began to gorge himself silly on free pretzels. He
stuffed pretzel upon pretzel as he raced to beat the Free Pretzel clock.

The Free Pretzel Stand Man looked at his watch as Slobbering Grue!
stuffed the last pretzel. "Amazing! You ate them all! In less than 15 minutes!"

"Oh man," groaned Slobbering Grue! who now had a great big tummy ache.
And his mouth was very dry. "Do you have anything free to drink? Boy,
I'm thirsty!"

"Sorry no," said the Free Pretzel Stand Man shaking his head. "All I
can give you is..." and he paused while pulling out a cross bow, "Is Death!!!!!" And then he ripped off his mask to reveal himself as The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far!
"Yes it's me, TVTWHAIJ7ITWHBTW-That-Far!! And now I can finally get
revenge on you, Slobbering Grue! And because of all those pretzels you
ate your Slobbering powers won't be able to save you now!! You're
Finished!! Muhahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!"

"Oh man!" said Slobbering Grue! snapping his fingers. "I really should
have seen that coming!"



**** <<--BM-->> ****

It was a mish mash of cornfields, manacle grinned shades, Ultimate Mr.
Paprika Frisbees, broken bits of the Fifth Wall, and Omaha tourist
pamphlets. And it was making its way towards the LNHHQ to destroy the LNH.

"No," said a trenchcoated man looking up at the monstrosity. "We're not dealing with this again. Tell me, we're not doing this again." He was
a man called Drifter.

==I'm afraid we are,== responded an eagle through telepathic means. The eagle's name was Windrider.

"I mean -- how did we get here? We shouldn't be here! I feel strange.
Like I'm being completely written out of character. Like I'm..."

==Yes. We're both being written incredibly out of character. I'm
afraid there is only one answer, although you might not like it.==

"Just give it to me straight."

==We're robot duplicates of the real Drifter and Windrider.==

"Seriously? Well, I guess that explains my cravings for motor oil. So
what should we..."

==Look out!!== And the Windrider robot duplicate flew between the
Drifter robot duplicate and the Personification of the Omaha Project.
And the Personification of the Omaha Project grabbed the Windrider robot duplicate and crushed it in its fist of cornfields.

"No!!!" screamed the Drifter robot duplicate as he whipped out two
machine guns and began firing at the Omaha Project. "Damn you, Omaha
Project!! Damn you to Hell!!!!!" But the bullets did no good against
the Omaha Project. And the Omaha Project grabbed the Drifter robot
duplicate and crushed him to death also.

"Hmm, I don't remember Drifter ever firing a machine gun," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite entering the scene. "Or fighting in Matrix
Slo-mo."

"We should not jest," said Easily-Discovered Man with a hint of
disapproval. "Those robot duplicates gave their lives to protect us."

"Yeah, yeah," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "Look maybe we should be fighting a villain that's a bit -- oh, I don't know -- easier to fight?
I mean I'm not even sure why I'm here. I'm pretty sure I was never
actually in the Omaha Project. That was I think Ubiquitous Boy or
something pretending to be me. At least that's the story I gave to
Continuity Champ -- and I'm sticking by it. Maybe we could fight the Personification of Mutton Mania. Yeah, we could get some Mint Jelly and..."

"Look around you, Lite." Easily-Discovered Man swept his hand across
the horizon. "There are no easy battles left to fight."

Unfortunately, the Prof was probably right, thought Easily-Discovered
Man Lite. He looked everywhere around him. Heroes all around him were
being overwhelmed by the millions of villains that were swarming all
over them. It seemed almost impossible that the LNH could possibly win.
Only heroes like Kid Kirby, Captain Continuity, and Ultimate Ninja
seemed to make the impossible seem possible. He watched the Ultimate
Ninja slice the head off of the Mutton Mania Personification
effortlessly. Well, so much for that idea. He turned his head and saw
Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl racing towards him.

"Wow, Pli? Touri? Haven't seen you in a long time -- since the wedding
I think. What brings you..."

"Nope," said Pliable Lad ripping off his mask. "I'm actually Ubiquitous
Boy pretending to be Pliable Lad!"

"And I'm," said Tour Guide Girl ripping off her mask, "Actually
Ubiquitous Lass!"

"Umm, okay," said a baffled Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "And why are
you both pretending to be Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl?"

"This will all be revealed in Ubiquitous Force: The Beige Midnight
Tie-In!" said Ubiquitous Boy dodging a cornstalk from the Omaha Project.

"You know -- that's never going to be written," said Easily-Discovered
Man Lite. "You realize that, don't you?"

"Fine!" grumbled Ubiquitous Boy. "Then I guess we'll never know why me
and Ubiquitous Lass were disguised as Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl!!"

"You know -- we should probably be focusing on how to defeat this Omaha
Project monster. How did we do it last time -- I think it was Russ
Allbery who killed it. Anyone have his number? Hey, guys? Where did
you go?"

"Lite!" Easily-Discovered Man Lite felt himself getting pushed as he
heard Easily-Discovered Man cry out his name. He turned his head and
saw with horror as one of the Omaha Project cornstalks pierced through
the Prof's chest and watched his mentor fall to the ground.

"No," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite said in shock as he watched blood

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