XPost: alt.comics.lnh

HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS!
EPILOGUE (SIDE B): "Let's Live Our Lives Net.Heroically, Let's Live Them With
Style"
By Jeanne Morningstar (with editing and input from Drew Nilium (more so than
usual))

====

THE WORLD

It was the 30th of April, 2020, and things had stabilized, at least a little bit. The cure was still being put together, but with no more net.villain teams or cosmic beings trying to destabilize things, and the LNH on the case, it looked like it'd all be over pretty soon.

There were a whole slew of looming potential problems the Legion would have to deal with at some point, from the Brotherhood's new leadership to Manga Girl's unstable and potentially destructive new super form to Captain Continuity's unstable and potentially destructive new super form. Now, though, was the time to rest.

True, there were still dinosaurs about in Net.ropolis thanks to the temporal bleedthrough of the various tangled hypertext-timelines that had gotten mixed up in all this. They'd moved into C.net.ral park and they'd probably be a permanent part of the setting from here on out, but it was hard to complain too much about that--everyone loved dinosaurs, even when they tried to eat them.

Doctor Stomper was still working away. He had some intriguing ideas for that biodata storage device for Mashup Laq based on watching recent Ultraman series. He was also studying the inevitable Deep Omnilooniverse Earth where they hadn't been able to stop the virus and everyone on Earth had been turned into sabertooths. (It turned out they did not make a very good army.) There seemed to be a new one of these Earths every time he looked, but at least now he knew--
after a good bit of encouragement from Sister State-the-Obvious--to take breaks.

WikiBoy was still busy updating the wiki with all the themes, characters and facts from the cascade. All the former roster-keepers (List Lad, wReamhack and Master Roster Man) were helping him out.

"That was fun," said WikiBoy, "but there sure was a lot of it. I hope we never have another cascade like that for a while."

Just then, Enthusiasm popped into existence. "Hey everyone! I just got this really cool idea..."

"Get out of here!" said Master Roster Man, pulling out a giant flyswatter and swatting at them.

====

THE MAGICIAN

Kid Occultism Kid wasn't sleeping well. You wouldn't either, if your mentor had passed on in some complicated way that wasn't death but also effectively was.

Occultism Kid's quarters were still abandoned and locked. They knew they should go there at some point--the gods and principalities knew the Door Warden needed company--but they were still worried about stirring up old ghosts, both literal and figurative. The pain was still too fresh--and, in a line of work where metaphor and emotion easily slid into reality, that could hurt them on far more than an emotional level. No, they'd have to build themself up more--get more of a sense of what their own magic truly was, before they could confront their mentor's.

Their parents had been among the vanishingly small number of Tibetan converts to Evangelical Christianity. Their father, a prestigious doctor, had converted after narrowly surviving a car accident. This, along with being queer, left them in a deeply complicated position, unsure of what it was they actually believed. They'd been intrigued by New Age and occultist spirituality, but the appropriativeness and superficiality of a lot of it gave them hives. But Occultism Kid had helped them figure out how to navigate the deeply flawed religious and magical traditions of which they were a part... and now they'd have to do that themself.

Kid Occultism Kid--no, just Occultism Kid now, they'd have to get used to that--
tossed and turned in their bed. After far too long, they finally went to sleep and started dreaming.

Mages often had significant dreams, though they were just as likely to dream about getting lost in their workplace just like everyone else. In this dream, though, they saw once more their mentor's dance of transformation. The play ended, the lights of the theater dimmed, and when they and the others had vanished, Occultism Kid and Obscure Trivia Lad were led through a side door and into... somewhere else. Somewhere outside.

A place that seemed wider than the sky and deeper than the ocean, an infinite night sky lit by silver lights. The Astral Plane.

++So, what happens next?++ said the Occultism Kid who was.

"Many things," said VAMMO Woman. "A time of change is coming. And you too will have a part to play in the war to come."

++I supposed as much... Where are we going?++

"To the Deep Omnilooniverse. To the worlds you made..."

They began to move into a place that felt somehow distant. The quality of it was indescribably different--the lights seemed to flicker feverishly; the darkness felt deeper yet, in some sense, *brighter*.

--How are you feeling?-- mindspoke Obscure Trivia Lad. --Obscure Trivia Lad imagines it must be strange being a symbiote.--

++Well, I suppose you must feel some of it. It's odd...++ said Occultism Kid, ++I feel strangely hopeful now. Ever since we went into that dead universe [Legion of Occult Heroes #4], so much of my life and my magic has been defined by tragedy and loss. Now I feel I've taken that as far as I can go, and have moved into something else. My body, my mind, they're... different. Maybe I can move on now. Who knows?++

--Obscure Trivia Lad knows many things,-- said OTL, --but most of them aren't very useful for this. That's usually how it goes...--

His head sharply turned and he looked off into the distance, where Occultism Kid, the new one, was looking at him. And with that the dream ended.

They woke up and rubbed their eyes, glancing at the dream journal by their bed. They were sure what they'd dreamed about was something terribly important, but they couldn't remember a word of it.

====

THE FOOL

Masterplan Lad woke up. This was an unusual sensation. He had maintained continuous consciousness throughout his life until now, even during the long hiatus between Ultimate Mercenary v1 #5 and 6. Now he would feel it fade in and out again. Just like a person.

He felt subtly different, in some way he couldn't define. He also wasn't sure he'd keep using these pronouns, but felt it would be better for dramatic reasons to hold that off until he was back in his own series.

He realized he wasn't quite awake, but in that frustrating half-asleep-half- awake state that sometimes afflicted mortals. They could still send out their senses from their body, scoping out the room their body lay in. They could catch glimpses of the various ghosts, antimemetic LNHers, and metaphysical beings that haunted the LNHQ. One of these beings was very familiar.

Chaos Theory hovered over the hospital medbay where Masterplan Lad lay recovering. Evidently, while their newly-mortal-ish status afflicted them with sleep and dreams, they could still speak while asleep with a fellow cosmic being.

"Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten me into," said Masterplan Lad.

"Oh, you had a lot to do with getting yourself into that mess, believe me," said Chaos Theory.

"Yes, I suppose so... Well, it seems that at any moment I'll wake up and see my friends and go through all the character development and gender-related feelings I've been putting off... there's just one thing I'd like to check on first."

A vague astral form stepped out of their body and touched the nearest computer. The LNH Timeline flashed on the screen.

"My god," he said, "what a mess. We kept a more or less coherent continuity, but at what cost... at what cost..."

"Look, it's fine." Chaos Theory kissed him goodbye and sparkled away into the cosmos.

====

DEATH

The Hall of Lost Heroes.

A strangely peaceful place in an LNHQ full of chaos, but not one where many people went. They didn't like to be reminded of their own mortality, even when they'd come back as likely as not.

Captain Continuity looked at the statue of the Ultimate Ninja clone who'd died in the Killfile Wars, which also served as a memorial for the true Ninja for those in the know. (Which Captain Continuity was, as he'd figured it out independently of his continuity powers a while back. Before being a net.hero, he'd really wanted to be a reporter.)

And there was the newest statue, sculpted by Makes-Statues-Incredibly-Quickly Laq: Marvel Zombie Lad. Before his statue lay his keepsake, a vintage Marvel No-Prize envelope.

"Captain Continuity? Are you well?" came a deep, rich voice from behind him. He turned around and saw Betamax--now without her helmet, her long hair flowing over her armor. It was a good look.

"Oh, hi. Thanks for saving my life out there, Betamax."

Betamax nodded. "I was simply doing my duty as a member of the Legion. ...ah, that wasn't the right thing to say, was it?"

"That's OK."

"What brings you here?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about death. Y'know, the usual. I came this damn close to having a statue here--say, wait a minute." He turned to the statue of Subplot Lad. "Didn't he come back?"

"So he did." [He worked together with Betamax in Return to Just Another Multi- Writer Cascade That Will Probably Never Have an Ending.GEKIJOBAN: "Friendgame"--
Footnote Girl, whew]

"Why come he's still got a statue?"

"The Hall of Lost Heroes serves an interesting function," said Betamax. "Death, for us net.heroes, is not always an absolute. Unlike in the Real World, some of us can come through the other side. But narratively speaking, death is always a meaningful shift--a time of change, of personal transition. Surely you know the meaning of the Death card in the tarot..."

"Not really, that supernatural stuff's never been my bag."

"Well, nevertheless. Subplot Lad has returned, but he is no longer Subplot Lad--
he has taken the name Plot Hook Lad, and his powers and role are different. So it is for a number of heroes who are remembered here. It is not only a memorial for the dead, but serves for those who returned as a memorial for the people they were. Sometimes, those identities were... better off left dead." She turned to Chinese Guy, who had since returned as the Seeker, or will have done so as soon as Saxon Brenton wrestles down the Apathy Beast.

"This place serves as a memorial not only for the LNH's moments of glory, but its failures. Here we remember our mistakes, so we do not repeat them..."

"Wow, that's deep," said Captain Continuity. "Say, y'know, you come from the future right... Where you're from, we're *all* dead."

"Perhaps." She smiled knowingly, as she often did. It was kind of hot.

"So... does it ever get weird for you?"

"At times. But there is much we do not know about our history, and of course that history has been known to change."

"Changing history, huh. I coulda done that--I did, a little bit. I'm still not over the Ring. The first time I had it [in Retcon Hour, which has come up a surprising number of times lately--Footnote Girl], I was just a kid who had no idea how any of that worked. Now... It was different. I had so much power. To
change the world, to change myself... And I never got a chance to really use
it."

"I don't think you need the ring for that." Betamax put her arm around his shoulder. "There is more power within you than you know."

"Thanks... Say, what's your name, anyway. I mean your, uh. Non-cape name."

"I don't wear a cape, but I know what you mean. I do have another name, but I don't really use it here. It belongs to the other time. You can call me Beta."

"OK. My name is, uh, Chet. I don't like it a lot, though. I mean, I'm a net. hero, not a country singer. Most people just call me CC."

"That's good to know. It's strange," she said. "I feel as if I must know you from somewhere..."

"Oh hi!" said Bad-Timing Boy, bursting through the door. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Guess not," said Captain Continuity. "Right, we've got a meeting about uh, some kind of new project the leader types are planning. See you around, Beta." He followed Bad Timing Boy out of the hall.

Betamax was alone now. She looked at the statue of Captain LNH, made after the Legion had found out she'd died but before they'd found out she hadn't died, and its keepsake, a CGC-graded copy of Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #50.

Then she turned to the other person who'd been watching.

"Ah, hello," she said to the Time Crapper IV. "And what should I call you?"

"You'll find out, dear," she said.

"What brings you here?"

"A time of change is coming, and I wished to see its beginning. The one you call Captain Continuity has an interesting history ahead. As do you. But now, I must attend to more personal business..."

"I wish you wouldn't hint cryptically about things quite so much."

"Well, you're one to talk." The Time Crapper laughed as she walked through the wall.

====

THE EMPRESS

The Crime Empress paced through her empty mansion. She sang to herself:

"I could shake my tiny fist and swear I wasn't wrong, but what's the use in arguing when you're all alone?"

The Crime Empress was effectively under house arrest. Lucy had made sure she could have anything she could ever possibly want, but she'd never be able to leave the virtual mansion and the power dampener circuits would ensure she'd never use her powers again.

Thinking of Lucy and what she had done to her, her body shook in exquisite anger. She imagined all the wonderful tortures she would devise for her once she escaped and had her revenge.

As the feelings faded away, she saw she was no longer alone. A ghostly hooded figure had appeared in her room. "You're not going to force me to relive my life to have a redemption arc, are you?" said the Empress.

"No," she said, "though I've done that before." Through the moonlight through her windows she saw the hooded figure's red hair.

"Another Vector?" she said. "Which one are you again? Vector Lime? I can't keep track of them anymore."

"I am the Time Crapper."

"Oh right, that one."

"I've been interested lately in growing closer to my family. Not long ago I aided my other sister, the hero, Merissa, and now I shall aid you..."

====

THE DEVIL

Somewhere beneath the ground outside Net.ropolis, something stirred.

Something that was dead, and had been dead a long time, but was alive.

Marvel Zombie Lad knew this wasn't the end for him. As the battle above had ended, he'd felt the power of the Catalyzation Wave hit him, and he'd felt something else too. Something that gave him focus and purpose he hadn't had in
long time.

Something that filled him with Determination.

It was strange now how he'd been so torn between being a hero and a villain. Those roles seemed so limiting now.

Because after all... there was one series above all that had gotten people to care about Marvel comics, even in the age of the MCU. He could feel its ideas entering into him, reshaping his thoughts.

For he was the Immortal Marvel Zombie Lad.

====

THE HANGED MAN

Time-Waster Lad noodled on the guitar, staring off into space.

After the Catalyzation Wave, he'd stopped fast-forwarding thru the end of the universe. Despite the continued quarantine, he'd felt more present, more alive. And once Net.ropolis had been cleared of sabertooths, he knew it wouldn't happen again.

He had started thinking about what the experience meant. About possibility. What was, and what could be. Even if you always ended up in the same place, the journey meant something... especially if someone was waiting at the other end.

He picked up the guitar again and practiced the chords, singing to himself as he did.

"The engagements are booked thru the end of the world
So we'll meet at the end of the tour..."

====

THE LOVERS

Catalyst Lass was sitting in her room--not alone, as she'd been for most of her time in the LNH, but with Token Girl beside her. She was trying to think about Tara, her warmth and presence that filled up the world, and not the long and frustrating meeting she'd just been through.

They'd been trying to make plans to deal with the impact of the Catalyzation Wave, catalyzing the passions of people all over the universe, which would mean there'd be many new net.heroes--and new net.villains--in days to come. There was the Brotherhood's mysterious new leadership, and reports of renewed activity
by wReamicus Maximus and the Church of Dvandom. And there was the Beigewar, the final conflict with the Crossover Queen, growing closer every day.

For these reasons and more, the LNH's official unofficial council decided to formally reinstitute the LNH's teenage net.hero training program. They already had a strong core of heroes, the group that included Merissa, Occultism Kid (as they were now, she'd have to get used to it), Painful Pun Person, Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass. These experienced net.heroes who'd already been to Hell and back [See Another LNH Title? Really? FCBD Special--Footnote Girl] could help guide the newer ones who'd be coming along soon. And their teachers would come from the ranks of the veteran former teen heroes--in particular, Captain Continuity and Bad-Timing Boy, former members of Generation Y--as well as Betamax, who seemed to be temperamentally well-suited to it.

The question was, what were they going to call it? Merissa called them the "LNH Kid's Crew" and Horrible Name Lad called them the "Super Loser Squad." Poignant Death Lass had suggested they could be a new incarnation of Teenfactor, her favorite net.hero team. None of those would do.

"Generation Z" would be the obvious name, but there'd already been a Generation Z. [An extremely short-lived series by Ben Rawluk.--FG ] So would it be Generation ZZ? Generation Z+1.0? Ultimate Ninja had suggested "Net.Hero Academia," which was honestly brilliant, but Doctor Stomper had suggested it'd be a better name for what he called the "Fourth Imprint"--still just a rumor among the cosmic beings, but anything was possible now.

And Catalyst Lass remembered what the RACCelestial Madonna had told her before she left, whispering into her ear:

"The Beigewar is beginning. The Crossover Queen, the Lady in Beige, is coming to Earth soon. You must get the Legion ready. Prepare the fortifications. Prepare for the enemy, and prepare for the coming of my child... The RACCelestial Messiah."

Token GIrl tapped her on the shoulder, jolting her out of her thoughts.

"Hey Cat," she said, "want to watch Utena?"

She didn't know whether this was a pickup line or she actually meant watching Utena, but either way was good.

She looked up at one of her oldest and dearest friends, the fluffy, white teddy bear, a little worn now but still standing after all these years, stood sentinel
over her bed. She looked up at the print of Dali's melting clocks on her wall. _Well that's relatable_, she thought.

Cat flipped on the TV. There was Bad Judgment Boy, sitting presidentially at his Oval Office desk. "My fellow Antareans," he said, "I have come here to say to you that I have never read or watched any Touhou Project hentai, and any Touhou Project hentai you saw on my desktop during that conference call was a Communist plot from Soviet Russia--what do you mean Soviet Russia hasn't existed for 30 years? Obviously it was time travel! Thank you and good night."

"Let's not watch the news," said Tara, "please."

"Right," said Cat. She put on the Utena blu-rays and queued up an episode, one from the Student Council arc. Slowly she felt herself and Tara relax.

"God, that was a long month," said Tara. "April 2020 felt almost as long as April 2007. Guess I know why Eliot said it was the cruelest month."

They kept on watching. Utena was angrily denying she wanted Anthy to be her bride.

"Hard to believe it took her that long to realize she was gay for that girl,"
said Tara.

"Yeah... hahaha. Ha," said Cat.

"You know... Now that I think about it, we've watched this series before together. Several times. That says something, doesn't it."

"Yeah, it does." Cat squeezed her hand.

"So did you ever think about, uh. About whether you had feelings bout me, before all this? I think I did but, y'know, I'm terrible at actually feeling my feelings."

Cat nodded. "I kind of am too. The thing is... I've always loved the *idea* of love, romance, feelings and stuff. But... I've always been afraid to do that myself. I'm afraid of the power I have over other people. I'm scared I'd hurt someone I cared about and never even know. So I spent all my time reading romance novels, and daydreaming about relationships I knew would never work..."

She sigh-giggled. "I'll admit I read kind of, uh, old-fashioned bodice rippers because I imagined someone sweeping me off my feet, because I never thought that'd be possible. I wanted someone who could stand up to me, someone who I could trust with to let myself go. And that was always you, Tara, but... I knew I needed you as a friend and I was scared if I messed it up I'd lose that... But here we are, I guess."

"Yeah." Tara stroked her hair. "This is good. This could work."

"It's funny," said Cat. "The thing about romance novels is that they end. That's why I've always liked them. Our stories don't. There's always something else around the corner. We can't ever be sure of a happy ending..."

"But we have something we can hold onto for now," said Tara, and kissed her cheek.

What she'd been through... It really had been the end. The end of the time in her life where she was obsessed with relationships but never had one herself: always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That was one of the things that had defined the core of who she was. And now it was gone. And who would she be now? That was something she would have to figure out, along with Tara.

The pink Kit-Kat clock on Catalyst Lass's wall ticked over to midnight. It was the first of May, and all, at least for this moment, was well.

TO BE CONTINUED IN...

THE LIMINALS #9

GENERATION ? #1

And probably other stuff! Also another epilogue, coming tomorrow!

====

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

There, that should be enough plot hooks to keep us going for the next ten years.

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)