[continued from previous message]

"No. The other one. The Slobbering One."

"Why? That's stupid! He can't win that way! God. This is a total
waste. I thought this was going to be the one for sure. Another failure."

"Should we pull the plug?"

"No. Let's wait. See how this plays out." Mr. Velk President of the
JONG Company stroked his beard as he watched the man continue to move
the joystick.

And the man, the man holding the joystick and looking into the monitor,
seemed oblivious to everything around him. This man named Sgt. Kidd.

He continued to play.


** LAST ISSUE!!! **

The Star Ship 'High Society' hovering over Net.ropolis! --


The Sophisticated Grue played with his monocle as he gazed at the city
beneath him. Soon he would refine this unmannered world. He would
groom it into a more elegant graceful place. And then onto the next
world and the next world. Civilize everything!

"Sir?" It was the voice of his manservant. "A package for you..."

"Yes, yes. Place it over there and open it," he said not making eye
contact with the servant even once. He took another sip from his cognac.

"Very good, sir." The manservant picked some special fancy package
opening knife off of the silver platter he was holding and got to work
opening the package. And then he opened it and looked inside. His face
became very pale. "Oh, dear lord!" he said stepping away from the package.

"Well. What is it?" said the Sophisticated Grue! in a bored slightly
irritated voice.

And then he heard this incredibly loud burping sound. And a few other
noises that sounded very disgusting. He quickly turned around. "What
is the meaning of this!?"

And out of the package popped a slime green toad like man wearing
striped boxers that looked like they had never ever been washed even
once in there many decades of use. The One. The Only. The Slobbering
Grue! "Dude. About time. These popcorn thingees don't taste very
good." He spat out some little styrofoam pieces out of his mouth. "Got
any corn dogs? Or -- hey, how about some deepfried Mr. Paprika Poupon?"

The Sophisticated Grue! held a scented handkerchief underneath his nose.
"So. I presume you're my counterpart on this world. How gauche. Did
they really expect YOU of all people would be able to thwart me -- to
spoil my plans? It's too late. Much too late for that."

"What? I'm supposed to stop you? Man, that Writer never fills me in on anything! I thought I was here for free Corn Dogs. Speaking of which
-- where are the Corn Dogs? I'm getting a little hungry here. And I'm
told they're free!" The Slobbering Grue!'s belly began to growl.

"You see that over there?" The Sophisticated Grue! pointed to a screen
that displayed numbers counting down. "When that finally reaches zero a
pulse from my Sophistication Ray shall spread all across this Looniverse
of yours! It will wipe away the tacky boorish drivel that blights this
world of yours. Erasing it for all time and replacing it with a more
tasteful classy culture. The high culture shall become all culture!"

The Slobbering Grue! yawned. "Man, this story is really getting boring!
Say, does this place get free internet porn?" He waddled over to one
of the command panels. "Which one of these buttons do I need to push to
get to the free internet portn? This one?"

"Enough!" The Sophisticated Grue! took out his Sophistication Ray Cane
and pointed it at the Slobbering Grue! "It is time to expunge your
presence from this world!"

The Sophisticated Grue!'s manservant stepped in between the two Grues.
"I cannot allow that, sir!" The manservant clutched the fancy package
opening knife tightly in his fist.

"Have you completely lost your head?! Move aside!"

But the manservant refused to budge. "It's not right, this. What
you're doing. I am..." He looked at the knife in his hand. "I'm not a servant! I remember a past. A past where I was something better than
this."

"Move aside. Or I will have to terminate you."

"I remember. It was an issue of JONG. It was so long ago. That's
where I started. I was a newspaper boy. And I was delivering a paper
to Mr. Slobbering Grue! over there [This happened in JONG PI -- Ed
Note]. But I didn't want to be a paperboy. I wanted to stab people. I
wanted to stab people with knives! And that's the day I stopped being a paperboy. That's the day I became..." And the manservant pulled off
his manservant mask. "KNIFE FIGHT DUDE!!!!!!!!!! It's KNIFE FIGHT TIME!!!!!!!!!" And he plunged the fancy package knife right into the Sophisticated Grue!'s body.

The Sophisticated Grue! looked at the blood stain that was growing on
his swanky tux. He stood back up and looked at Knife Fight Dude. "Do
you think this can stop me? DO you think one knife wound can stop one
such as I?!!! THIS is NOTHING!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!"

"Hmm," nodded Knife Fight Dude. "You're probably right." And with that
Knife Fight Dude plunged his knife into the Sophisticated Grue! several
more times for good measure.

"That should probably do it." He looked at the Slobbering Grue! "What
do you think?"

"Looks dead to me." The Slobbering Grue! looked at his watch. "I
wonder what's taking those Free Corn Dogs so long. Where did that
manservant go?"

And then a motorcycle came sailing into the room landing to a screeching
halt. The motorcyclist took off his helmet. "Am I too late!? Has it
already happened?!" Building Suspense Lad (with an eye patch) rushed
over to the command panel. He looked at the display screen. "There's
still time!!! But not much!! Got to stop this!! Got to!!!!" He began
to madly push buttons.

"If you're trying to find the Free Internet Porn button -- I'm not sure,
which one it is either," said Slobbering Grue! trying to be helpful.
"Maybe that one?"

"No! No! Got to stop the Sophistication RAY!!" Building Suspense Lad continued to wildly hit every button. But the numbers still kept coming
down. Building Suspense Lad hit one of the panels in frustration. And
then regretted doing that very much. "Oh, Lord! Broke my hand! Broke
my hand!! Owww! Owwww!!!"

Ten.

Nine.

"You've got to stop it," said Knife Fight Dude looking down at
Slobbering Grue! "This is what you were meant to do. You have to do it."

Seven.

Six.

"Me?" said Slobbering Grue! "What about the Free Corn Dogs?"

Five.

"There will never be any more Free Corns Dogs if you don't do this."

Three.

"Never?"

Two.

"You can do it."

One.

And Slobbering! knew what he had to do. And all time stopped. Except
for the Slobbering Grue! who began floating in space like some kind of
cosmic Buddha.

He knew what he had to do.

"It's booka time."


** LAST ISSUE!!! **


And deep inside the Slobbering Grue!'s nose an alarm bell rang.

Two nose hairs by the name of Sam and Ted work up.

"Oh, shit. Not this again," said Ted the nose hair putting on his raincoat.



** LAST ISSUE!!! **


Saliva like a super nova began to pour out of the Grue!'s body. The
Saliva Force began to merge with everything -- even the Sophistication
Ray. The Saliva Wave swept its way over the world. And then beyond the
world. Beyond the solar system. Beyond the Milky Way Galaxy. Faster
than light. Faster than anything.

As the saliva poured out of Slobbering!'s body, it began to tear apart
from the stress of the gushing liquid. Soon there was no body.

Just saliva.

And Rolf Harris's 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport' played away in the
background.

** LAST ISSUE!!! **

The Fourth Wall! --

The Mechanical Author's eyes began to glow. Finally after decades of
waiting for his energies to recharge, he had enough power to break free
from his prison. He flexed his perfect mechanical muscles and the
Fourth Wall shattered around his perfect mechanical body. He dusted
various bits of Fourth Wall off of him. And then he looked all around him.

It was time. Time for the Perfect Story to resume! And this new
Chapter of the Perfect Story would begin with him slaying all those that
had put him here. He'd start with that Marc Singer guy.

And then his Perfect Mechanical Eyes spotted something. Something
coming very fast towards him. It looked like a liquid? What was it?
And then it dawned on him what it was.

Oh no, was the last thought of the Mechanical Author.


** LAST ISSUE!!! **

Somewhere! --

Mr. Velk stared in horror at the monitor. "That's not possible! It
can't be!" He looked at a liquid slowly drizzling out of the computer equipment. Sgt. Kidd was still moving the joystick. "This is just a
game! This is not real!!"

And then the monitor screen began to crack. And there was a gush that
poured out of the monitor crushing all those in its path.

Brad Pitt is, was Sgt. Kidd's last thought.


** LAST ISSUE!!! **

Espayola, Net.Mexico in the -- 69th CENTURY!

Sarge snapped the Virtual.Thingee goggle.thingees off of Kid. "God.
You're not still playing that stupid game! That game where we're this
cop who has multi-personality disorder who's playing some stupid video
game call Jong #69! God, that's a creepy game!"

"But it's fun, Sarge! It's like a -- umm..."

"Lame. That' the word you're searching for. Almost as lame as Brad Pitt."

"Sarge. Why can't you stop hating Brad Pitt? We're living in a utopia!
It's time to move on."

"Maybe a utopia for you with its no one ever dies, gets hurt, has to do anything they don't want to do -- nonsense. But I don't know. It's
just starting to get boring. I miss the old days. When things used to matter."

"Maybe we could play a Virtual.Thingee Game? How about something from
the past? Maybe JONG #1? We could play ourselves hunting down the
Slobbering Grue! I would be like it was back then. 1993. Espanola."

"Nah. Wouldn't be the same. Just not real. I don't know. I've been
thinking lately. I shouldn't be alive, Kid. I've lived too long.
Maybe I just wasn't cut out to be an immortal. I belong in the past. A
world where a cop could crack the skull of a mime and call it justice.
Not in this world where you can't do anything while mimes roam the
streets because it's their lifestyle choice or whatever they call..."

"You just need to..." But before Kid could finish with that thought a
flash of light flooded the room.

A naked man crackling with flame stood in the center of the room. "You
say you're bored with this utopia, do you?"

"What's it to you, buddy?" Sarge would have arrested him, but sadly it
was perfectly legal to walk around naked crackling with flame in this
day and age.

"I have a solution to your problem. And my name? My name is -- The Kumpooter-MAN!"

And then something appeared in his hand.

It was a stick of juicy fruit gum.



** LAST ISSUE!!! **

The Afterlife! --

Self-Righteous Preacher looked at the bookshelf in his room. It was
amazing. He brushed his hand across the books. Each one bound in gold.
There was a book here that depicted each day of the life of every
single person that had ever been in the Bible. Each one!

And they had pictures of what these historical figures had looked like.
They also had stats for all of them. He could know every single meal
they had ever had. And he could also know how much they could bench press.

Self-Righteous grabbed a book off the shelf. And apparently there were
even volumes that were devoted to what God had been doing before he had
created the Looniverse. The Preacher looked at the volume in his hand.
Before the Bible: Volume One. Amazing!

He looked at the shelf. It would take him forever to read all of these.
But he had plenty of time. Plenty of time.

The Preacher walked back to his bed. It seemed strange. This wasn't
how he had pictured heaven being like. Still, he was glad that the Holy
Father had allowed him to be here. Had forgiven him for that last
sinful act he had committed before he died.

The Preacher put his head on a pillow. And then he opened to the first
page. And then he heard a knock.

Hmm. Who could that possibly be? He put the book down, got off the
bed, and walked over to the door.

He opened it and then he looked outside. Not seeing anything, he was
about to close it and then his eyes moved down.

There was Slobbering Grue! with two suitcases in his arms. "Hey!
Preachy! Guess who your new roommate is? Come on! Take a guess!"

The Slobbering Grue! winked to the reader.





FIN


** LAST ISSUE!!! **

Credit:

Self-Righteous Preacher -- wReam
Sgt. Kidd -- Saxon Brenton
Chuggernaut -- Arthur Spitzer and Jeff McCoskey
Dumpster-TRON -- Arthur Spitzer and Dave Van Domelen
Dr. F -- Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton
Mechanical Author -- Arthur Spitzer, Steven Howard, and Marc Singer
The Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain -- Arthur Spitzer and Tim Munn
Leaping Nacho Hurter and Goggles Guy -- Arthur Spitzer and Wil Alambre

Namer Boy, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, You're Not Hitting Me Hard
Enough Lad, Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., Sarge and Kid, Plum Master,
Slobbering Grue! Jr., Non Judgmental Agnostic, Knife Fight Dude,
Building Suspense Lad, Sophisticated Grue!, Mr. Velk, Kumpooter-MAN,
Sam, Ted, Kid Kicked Out, Cherry and Salsa Jr., Cockroach Las Vegas, The
SKATE, Foreshadowing Lad, Land Lady, Continuity Porn Star, The Fourth
Wallower, The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far,
Nacho the Leaping Nacho, Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master
Man, Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist, and the
Slobbering Grue! -- Arthur Spitzer

Mentioned:
Panta -- Hubert Bartels
Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Fearless Leader -- Dave Van Domelen
WikiBoy -- Tom Russell
Catalyst Lass -- Elisabeth Riba
Kid Kirby -- H. Jameel al Khafiz
Captain Continuity -- Mystic Mongoose
Easily Discovered Man -- Rob Rogers Even-Though-He'd-Really-Suck-As-LNH-Leader-He'd-Still-Be-A-Way-Better-Choice-Than-Namer-Boy
Boy, Saviors of the NET, Holiday Miracle Pets, and Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over
Lad -- Arthur Spitzer and various.


Writer's Notes: Man. Writing Jong again.

Way back in January, 1999 I wrote a solicitation for this issue.

Here's what I wrote:

"JONG #6: Wait isn't this series cancelled? Oh, yeah.. probably never
got around to doing that. Anyway assuming I ever get this written, this
will most likely be the last issue. I'll try to tie up all the
remaining plot lines (except the ones that I don't like which I will conveniently ignore). It most likely will be a parody of Moore's
'Whatever happened to the Man of Tomorrow?' set ten years in the LNH
future with a parody (rip-off?) of Spider Jerusalem forced on an
assignment by a vidictive editor to find what really happened to the
Drooling Crusader. Probably will have various LNH cameos assuming I can
get permission. The working title: 'Who Cares About Tomorrow's Drool?'
It will be an 'Elsewhirl'. But then again aren't they all? (Well except Dvandom Force and.. umm nevermind)."

I started to write some of it way back then and then I gave up on it.
The plot I had for it way back when was different. It was more like
Beige Midnight #9 although a lot bloodier.

Part of why I never bothered to write it was because I wanted to make it
the greatest thing ever (which is also why I couldn't finish the
original Jong #6 that I had plotted way back in '96). There for the
only way I could ever possibly write this would be instead to try and
make this the worst issue of Jong ever. And that's what I did.

So this isn't the greatest thing I ever wrote, but it's not the worst
thing either. I kind of wish this was a lot better, but it is what it is.

There's a lot of references to stuff that appeared in Old Jong issues.
The Kumpooter-Man (that sounds kind of dirty, doesn't it?) appears in
the last story in Jong #2 so you'll probably need to read that to make
sense of his appearance in this story. The SKATE was a character that
was supposed to appear as a backup story in Jong #3, but didn't ever
appear. And there is stuff that probably only I understand.

The Sarge and Kid being some guy named Sgt. Kidd was inspired by Saxon
(who came up with Sgt. Kidd because he misheard Sarge and Kid when we
were writing 'Who Killed the Cat with Glasses?") and Rob (who wrote a
scene in 'WKtCwG', which seemed to be suggesting that Sgt. Kidd had
multiple personality disorder).

And there's a bunch of other stuff that I should explain, but won't.

Hopefully, someone reading this will kind of enjoy it for what it is.

Arthur "Not the Longest Issue of Jong!" Spitzer





==========
Next Week: 'Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade That
Will Probably Never Have an Ending' BEGINS!!!!!!
==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

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