• LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #184: Beige Midnight Part Twenty (1/2)

    From Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to All on Sun Jan 17 21:15:37 2021
    You can sift through the racc list archive https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
    or you can try google groups racc for the twentyith part of Beige Midnight.

    Here's the first quarter of issue #7 -- 'The Mountain Top' by me (Arthur Spitzer). It's the LNH vs a nearly omnipotent Bart the Dark Receptionist!
    Who will win? Who will die? Who will live? Who Bartmens the Bartmen?
    And will Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-
    Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over Lad do something so incredbily rad that even Saxon Brenton will think it's awesome?




    Find out that and more in...


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    | | Classic
    | | =
    | | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
    | |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

    |____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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    |_| OF NET.HEROES

    ADVENTURES #184


    =====================
    Beige Midnight Part Twenty
    =====================



    Date: Mon Mar 21 12:22:15 PDT 2011


    [Cover: Bart the Dark Receptionist stands on a mound of 250 (or so)
    LNH'r corpses. In his left hand is the Ultimate Ninja's heart. In his
    right hand is Captain Continuity's severed head. A dialogue balloon
    from Bart says, "Did Geoff Johns guest write this or something?" The
    bottom caption says: THE BART AGE ENDS HERE!!!]


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The place -- Ancient Qwerty, 1994 BC

    The time --


    B E I G E

    M I D N I G H T


    The number -- S E V E N




    The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer

    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    Ancient Qwerty --
    1994 BC --

    Kid Recap checked the Ultimate Ninja and then pondered the absurdity of checking the pulse of a man who had had his heart ripped out of his
    chest. No. The Ultimate Ninja must be faking it. He couldn't be dead.
    Of course the Ultimate Ninja had been dead before. Right? Like that
    time when -- Kid Recap paused. Kid Recap tried to remember some part of
    the past where the Ultimate Ninja had come back to life, but nothing
    came to him.

    Was this some effect of the Amnesia Barrier? That even with his Super Recapping Abilities, Even he, Kid Recap, had forgotten stuff?

    Kid Recap tried to remember what he could. How he got to this point in
    time -- 4002 years in the past.

    All of this began on March 31, 2007 AD, when the Ultimate Ninja had
    decided to take a month off for vacation. Fearless Leader took over and
    he disappeared. And after that leader after leader disappeared for
    about 465 days each day. The LNH found out that it was their former receptionist Bart who was behind the kidnappings. He was working for
    Dekay and Diskolor, the Bryttle Brothers who were planning to destroy
    the entire Looniverse on April 29th, 2008 AD. Bart had made a deal with
    them where he'd go to the past (1,004,000 years ago) and be that
    planet's King Qwert-El for a million years. Of course the LNH needed
    both the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet (both of which Bart had possession of) to stop the Bryttle Brothers from destroying the
    Looniverse, so they had to time travel back (which caused everyone
    except for Munchkin Man and himself to forget everything due to a
    Amnesia barrier created by Kid Recap's arch-enemy Amnesia that causes
    anyone to time travel past it to forget everything that happened) to get
    those items from Bart.

    It turned out though that Bart was frozen in a cave, and they had to
    time jump to 1994 BC so that some Most Worthy One (who turned out to be Munchkin Man) could get him out of the cave. And when they freed Bart
    still frozen in a chunk of ice, they took off the Ring of Retconn and
    Insanity Gauntlet from his hands. And after that it should have been
    simple, right? Unfortunately, it never ever is. Bart woke up -- still
    having incredible powers despite the lack of cosmic paraphernalia.

    And the Ultimate Ninja fought Bart -- and Bart killed him. Bart killed
    the Ultimate Ninja. And that's where they were.

    The Elders and other local Qwertians seemed angered by this attack on
    their leader who Bart was posing as -- King Qwert-El. Various Qwertians
    with guns started pointing them at the LNH and demanding that the LNH surrender.

    Bart still floating up in the sky shook his head. "No, no. This is not
    your fight my loyal subjects. This is between me and them. You can
    go." And with a snap of his fingers he teleported all of the remaining Qwertians with the exception of Dev-Null back to wherever they lived.

    And then Bart turned his attention back on the LNH. "Take your time.
    If you want to have a funeral or something for the Ultimate Ninja --
    please, go ahead. Consult on some brilliant battle strategy -- fine by
    me. I can wait. I'll probably create a Universe in my hand while I
    wait. And when you're ready -- ready to finish this -- just look up --
    'cuz that's where I'll be. Up."

    And in Bart's hand there was a loud thunderous bang -- and a new
    Universe was born.

    **** <<--BM-->> ****




    THE BART AGE PART III


    'The Mountain Top'




    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    April 2008 AD --
    Near Saturn --
    The LNH Starship Snobbie --

    Ripping Dancer's fingers brushed against the cold Starship window. Out
    of it she could see the Beigeness swallowing up the blackness
    surrounding Saturn. They were almost past the Beigeness. Maybe once
    they got past it, she'd feel a little better. Then again -- probably
    not. Some part of her wished that the artificial gravity controls would
    fail. She had always wanted to float in space. Dance in zero gravity.

    She looked at Dr. Stomper and Contraption Man who were both deep in conversation in the cockpit. What were they talking about? The
    Mission? Her? She looked at Occultism Kid who was still acting like a
    member of the NTB (Net.Trenchcoat Brigade). He was guzzling away on
    some bottle of Cognac that he'd found in the ship. Comic Snob Boy's
    favorite brand according to Irony Man. And Irony Man? He was looking
    out the windows too.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    Dr. Stomper examined the white hair he had found on his seat. Some
    animal hair? Felis catus possibly?

    "What was that about? Back at Headquarters? What great threat did we
    have to run from, Contraption Man?" Dr. Stomper looked Contraption Man
    in the eyes as he put the hair aside.

    "Just a feeling. A bad feeling. Just think of it as time-travelers
    intuition. Sometimes when you're time jumping you hit a time that some
    how you know it's no good. That you got to get out of there fast.
    That's the feeling I got."

    Dr. Stomper pointed to the date on one of the monitor screens. "We're
    still in the same time period."

    "It was a bad place feeling. I'm not getting it now. Look Doc, we're
    going to need the full LNH with us when we go back to the Loonivearth.
    Right now we've got more urgent worries. Like Occultism Kid. Why are
    the Retcon Hour retcons still affecting him?"

    "There are a number of possibilities. It could be psychosomatic. It
    could be do to Occultism Kid's magical abilities. It could be that
    we're all having the same dream. It could be that a part of the Retcon
    Hour crossover hitchhiked with us when we time jumped. It could be that..."

    "Whoah, whoah! What was that --? A part of Retcon Hour time jumped
    with...?"

    "I was just thinking of all the possibilities. Without access to my
    lab, I couldn't really begin to guess at what's causing this to happen.
    Hopefully, Retcon Lad can reverse the effect. Is Retcon Lad with the
    Qwerty team?"

    "I don't know. But if Occultism Kid can't do magic anymore, we're going
    to need another plan to get past the Dvorakian space station."
    Contraption Man got out of the pilot's seat and walked over to the
    cockpit opening. "Hey, Occultism Kid! Can you still cloak an entire Starship?"

    Occultism Kid briefly took the bottle out of his mouth. "If I could do
    that -- do you think I'd be busy drinking myself to death?"

    Contraption Man turned back towards Dr. Stomper. "Yeah, looks like
    we're going to need another plan.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,300,000,000 years AC (After Creation) --

    The first piece of slime crawls onto a rock.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,700,000,000 years AC (After Creation) --

    A cave man using charcoal makes a large 'B' on the wall of his cave.
    After he has finished, he proudly shows his wife. His wife grabs a
    Tapir bone and begins hitting him with it while she screams.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,700,030,000 years AC (After Creation) --

    Barrt the Fisherman sits on his boat bored of life. There had to be
    something better than this, he thinks as he waits for a fish to bite his
    hook.

    And then he feels a snag. A fish! He reels the fish in.

    After he drops the fish with the other fish, he hears something.

    "If you free me, I shall give you the greatest idea."

    "You can talk?" Barrt asks the fish.

    "Of course! I'm the world's smartest fish. But enough about me, let's
    talk about you. You don't want to be a fisherman forever, do you?"

    Barrt shakes his head.

    "Of course not! But you need a great idea, and fortunately for you I
    have just the one you need!"

    "What idea?"

    "What if I told you that there was only one true God, a God named BARRT?
    And you were the only person who could speak to this God? And what if
    only those people who were your friends, were the only ones who could go
    to Heaven once they died? And all your enemies would go to Hell?"

    "But that's not true! I can't speak to this God!"

    "What matters if it's true? People are so gullible! Think of all the
    sheep and shepherds' daughters that would be yours! Everyone would want
    to get good with you so they could go to Heaven!"

    "You've got a point," Barrt says while thinking about all of the
    shepherds' daughters and sheep in the world. "Very well, I will free you!"

    The fish plops back into the water.

    A little bit later under the lake...

    The fish tells the story to all his fish buddies at the fish bar,
    "Humans are so gullible!"


    **** <<--BM-->> ****



    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,700,030,005 years AC (After Creation) --

    Barrt the Fisherman is crucified by a bunch of angry shepherds.

    But his disciples carry on his ideas and pass them on throughout the lands.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****



    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,700,031,969 years AC (After Creation) --

    The doctor gives Barrt a serious look. "I'm sorry. I've got some bad
    news."

    In the background a black and white tv set plays. On the screen, a man
    in an astronaut suit steps onto the moon.

    It is a significant day in the history of mankind.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****



    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    13,700,033,001 years AC (After Creation) --

    A creature that is part elephant, preying mantis, and corn dog watches a
    weird looking ship fly away into space.

    Another similar looking creature walks towards him. "What did those
    bizarre ugly looking aliens want?"

    "Oh, they were trying to convert me to some stupid religion called
    Barrtism. I told them I'd think about it."


    **** <<--BM-->> ****



    The Universe in Bart's Hand --
    26,700,030,005 years AC (After Creation) --

    "It's Over, Barrtymandias!!! It's All Over!!!" cried Barrtowl, a
    superhero dressed up in a costume that was made up of sewn together bar
    towels. He swung a bar towel in his hand wildly.

    "Is it? Really?" laughed Barrtymandias, The Universe's Smartest
    Scientist, as he stroked the fluffy white cat in his lap. "I do think
    you're way out of your depth, Barrtiel."

    "We know it was you, Barrtymandias!" shouted another hero by the name of Barrtshaq dressed in a trenchcoat with a mask covering his whole face.
    A mask that had an ever-changing image of Shaquille O'Neal depicting
    different moments in his life. The current image had Shaquille O'Neal attempting to make a free throw attempt. "You killed our former Teenage
    Disco Vampire Barbershop Quartet Net.Force member the Barrtmedian! You kidnapped all of those fan-fiction writers from all of those galaxies
    and put them on that secret moon!! We know about all of it except for
    one thing. What is Project Mountaintop?!! What have you done!???"
    Barrtshaq hurled the basketball in his hand at Barrtymandias right as
    Barrtowl slung his bar towel.

    Barrtymandias effortlessly caught the ball in his hand and used it to
    deflect the bar towel. "Project Mountaintop? Why it's quite simple.
    It's my plan to save the Universe. Did you know that in a million years
    from now humanity will have used up all of the energy in the Universe?
    Yes. We will have drained up every sun, every galaxy, all the dark
    energy. Humanity has spread itself across the Universe, there are no
    new galaxies for us to exploit. Simply put, we're all doomed. I
    realized that there was only one thing that could save us. One being.
    The maker of this Universe. Yes. BARRT. We needed to contact him. I
    needed to create a device that could contact him. And so using the
    minds of all of those fan-fiction writers I created this." Barrymandias gestured towards the massive machine the size of a three-story house in
    the center of the station. "Unfortunately, it does take quite a bit of
    energy to operate. Like about 3 million galaxies."

    "My Barrt!" said Barrtowl in disbelief. "That has got to be the
    stupidest plan I've ever heard. Thank Barrt, we were able to stop you
    before you killed all of those galaxies."

    "Stop me?" laughed Barrtymandias. "What, do I look like some wheelchair
    bound James Barrt villain stroking a white cat?" Barrtymandias glanced
    down at his wheelchair and white cat that he was stroking. "Oh. Point
    taken. Regardless, I turned the machine on 35 minutes ago. Look!" Barrtymandias pointed towards the space stations massive telescopic
    glass windows that allowed people to gaze at all of the galaxies in the Universe. "Well, okay, since most of these galaxies are millions of
    light years away you can't really see anything because of the speed of
    light, but millions of years from now it's going to look really, really spectacular. Not that you have that much time." Barrtymandias pressed
    another button. The floor under both Barrtshaq and Barrtowl collapsed
    causing them to fall into a pool filled with weird part shark, crab, and corndog type creatures. As both heroes screamed in terror as they were devoured the last image on Barrtshaq's mask was one of Shaquille O'Neal
    making another free throw attempt.

    Barrtymandias pressed another button shutting the floor back up again.
    And then he turned his attention back to the massive screen on the
    Project Mountaintop machine. An image was beginning to appear. The
    image of BARRT.

    "I did it! It worked!! Oh mighty BARRT, I humbly ask an audience with
    you!"

    <<THAT'S B-A-R-T ACTUALLY. NOT B-A-R-R-T, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU PEOPLE
    GOT THE EXTRA R FROM. WHAT DO YOU WANT?>> boomed the voice from the screen.

    "We ask you to give us more energy! A million years from now we will
    have drained all of the suns in the Universe! We need more galaxies!"

    <<I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS IS MY PROBLEM. DID I ASK YOU TO BUILD ALL OF
    THESE MASSIVE SHIPS AND SPACE STATIONS THAT USE UP MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF
    ENERGY? OH, BTW, THIS MACHINE YOU CREATED TO SUMMON ME THAT TAKES LIKE
    THREE MILLION GALAXIES TO POWER UP? THAT WAS A PRETTY STUPID IDEA, JUST
    SO YOU KNOW.>>

    "I don't understand. Are we not the chosen species? Did you not make
    us in your image so we could spread your wisdom all across the Universe?
    Why do you forsake us, oh mighty Barrt?"

    <<FIRST OFF, WHILE I DID MAKE THIS UNIVERSE -- I DID NOT MAKE YOU.
    YOU'RE SOME BIOLOGICAL ACCIDENT THAT HAPPENED THROUGH YEARS OF NATURAL SELECTION. AND YOUR ENTIRE RELIGION WAS DEVELOPED BY A CON ARTIST AND A TALKING FISH. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. AS TO WHY I CREATED THIS UNIVERSE, IT WAS MOSTLY AN AMUSING DIVERSION FOR ME WHILE WAITING FOR
    THE LNH TO ATTACK ME. AND ALSO A WAY FOR ME TO DEMONSTRATE TO THE
    READER WHAT AN INCREDIBLE BAD ASS I AM. THAT'S ALL. OH, LOOK -- GOT TO
    CUT THIS SHORT. SOMEONE JUST SHOT AT ME. LOOKS LIKE I'LL HAVE TO
    DESTROY YOUR UNIVERSE A LITTLE BIT SOONER. SORRY. BYE.>>

    The machines screen went blank. "What? Wait! What did you mean by..."
    But before Barrtymandias could finish a white flash swallowed everything.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    Ancient Qwerty --
    1994 BC --

    As the Universe in Bart's hand crumbled into dust, Bart looked to see
    who had shot him. "Ah, Dev-Null, right? Sorry, kind of immune to bullets."

    Dev-Null shook his head. "That was just to grab your attention. This
    on the other hand..." Dev-Null pulled out another self-made gun that he
    had been working on during the walk to the caves. Aiming it at Bart, he
    pulled the trigger causing a rocket attached to a chain to shoot out.
    The other end of the chain had a pair of shackles, which snapped onto
    Bart's ankles. The rocket itself flew straight for the Ice Caverns of Existence.

    "Interesting," said Bart as he watched the chain that he was attached to
    snap apart. "I guess if it weren't for my power to be immovable, that
    rocket would have dragged me back to the caves where I'd have become a
    popsicle again. Nice. Guess I better get rid of those caves before
    someone else tries the same trick." With a snap of his fingers the Ice
    Caverns of Existence vanished leaving only a large crater behind.

    Dev-Null threw that gun and reached for another one.

    "I'm not really sure why you of all people are fighting me, Dev-Null?"

    "It is my destiny! I'm here to save the Looniverse from you!!"

    "Oh wait. Now I see. You don't remember, do you? Of course! It's the Amnesia Barrier! Forgot all about that. Guess that explains why the
    Ultimate Ninja was taking orders from Kid Recap. Well, this won't do.
    What's the fun in destroying the LNH if they don't know who's destroying
    them? As for you, Dev-Null, you're just a terrorist. That's all.
    You're a psychopath who believes that if you bomb enough intergalactic embassies you can somehow make the world a better place. But you'll
    never save the Looniverse. That's beyond somebody like you."

    "You're lying!! I'm a hero -- I..."

    "Don't believe me? Why don't you just ask this Dvorakian here who lost
    his younger sister to one of your bombs how much of a hero you really
    are?" Bart gave back both Dev-Null and the 25 Dvorakians their memories
    back. The Dvorakian who had lost his sister grabbed Dev-Null by the throat.

    "Vendalla!! She was only a 157 sun cycles!! You murdering son of a..."
    The Dvorakian crushed Dev-Null's throat and threw his body to the ground.

    Major Poossee, the nine foot tall blue maned leader of the Dvorakians
    with an eye patch, looked at the lifeless body of Dev-Null and then back
    at Kid Recap. "What is going on here? Where have you taken us?"

    Bart shook his head. "You don't need to answer that Kid Recap. Once I
    speed up the Glory Virus in the Dvorakians they'll be a moot point
    anyways." Major Poossee started to fly towards Bart, but before he
    could get off the ground he felt a huge pain in his chest that caused
    him to kneel down. Within a few seconds, he and the rest of soldiers
    were completely dead.

    Bart smiled. "Now we can start the real fun."


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    Kid Recap started to make his way over to Dev-Null's corpse just in case
    one of the weapons he had made could actually stop Bart. But before he
    could do that his entire body froze up and his mouth disappeared.

    Bart shifted from his King Qwert-El get-up to his Bart the Dark
    Receptionist costume. "Okay. I'm freezing you and taking away your
    mouths, but don't worry -- it's only temporary. You see -- I just want
    to rant and rave for a while uninterrupted by all your cute quips.
    Okay? It's a villain thing. But I'll return your mouths and ability to
    move as soon as I'm finished. Okay? This would be the part where you'd
    say something clever that would make the readers laugh, but you can't --
    so let's move on."

    "Okay. First things first, let's give you back all of your memories.
    There, okay. And what the hell -- let's bring the Ultimate Ninja back
    to life because killing off an amnesiac Ultimate Ninja is kinda lame."
    The Ultimate Ninja returned back to life and froze up as he attempted to
    throw a ninja bush at Bart.

    As the Ultimate Ninja returned back to life, a frozen Easily-Discovered
    Man Lite realized that the funniest ninja joke he had ever thought up
    had just popped into his brain. But alas, he realized to his complete
    horror, I have No Mouth and I Must Scream the Funniest Ninja Joke Ever!
    Oh well. He'd just have to wait for Bart to give him his mouth back.

    "Next thing is that you should probably know how incredibly powerful I
    am and how utterly hopeless it would be to stop me. Okay. How can I
    explain this? Ah, yes. You've undoubtedly fought villains that had
    access to powerful cosmic items like the Ring of Retconn and Insanity
    Gauntlet throughout your career as a superteam, right? Of course you
    have! Did it ever occur to you how incredibly stupid all of these
    villains were? That they didn't fully utilize these incredibly powerful objects to there full potential? I vowed that if I were ever to come
    across one of these devices that I wouldn't make the same mistake. I
    mean -- okay -- what is the first thing that usually stops someone like
    me? Right! They lose the object of power! And they're totally
    powerless! So, why not use these cosmic items to give yourself powers
    that don't disappear if you should happen to lose the object in
    question? So that's what I did -- I have the power to have any super
    power I can think of without the need for a Ring of Retconn or Insanity Gauntlet! Cool, huh?"

    Break control, throw ninja bush! Break control, Throw Ninja Bush,
    thought the Ultimate Ninja.

    "And the next thing that usually happens is that the heroes who stole
    the cosmic devices from you try to use them on you, right? So wouldn't
    it make sense to just make yourself resistant to anyone who uses any
    cosmic object that has ever existed against you? So I did that too.
    And after that, what is the attack that usually happens? Right! You've
    always got some cosmic type being or god that puts the whammy on you!
    So the simple solution to that is to make yourself resistant to the
    powers of any cosmic being or god! So let's check that one off the list
    too."

    This is the most thrilling edge of my seat amusement park fun villain
    rant I've ever been forced to listen to, mentally yawned Sarcastic Lad.
    Could I have a brain aneurysm? Pretty Please?

    "What else? Oh yes. Even with those protections in place there is
    always the danger of being hurt. Don't want to be killed by something
    like mistletoe or something stupid like that. So it's probably a good
    idea to just make yourself resistant to all forms of harm. So nothing
    can harm me whether it's a fist or a mental blast -- or the Looniverse
    decides to explode."

    Arrrggghhhh! Must tell ninja joke, thought Easily-Discovered Man Lite.
    Must tell ninja joke!

    "And of course what is the number one thing that always screws up a
    villains plans? Come on, you know this one. Yep. Being defeated by a
    hero. Heroes always find some way to defeat the villain. So I made it
    so I would never be defeated by any hero that has ever existed. And
    ever will exist."

    You know, if weren't for the fact that I was frozen here I bet you I'd
    be doing something so rad that even Saxon Brenton would think I was
    awesome, thought Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't- Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over Lad.

    "So there you have it. I can have any superpower I can think of. I'm resistant to anyone using any cosmic object that has ever existed
    against me. I'm resistant to the powers of every God or Cosmic Being.
    I cannot be hurt by anything physical or mental or whatever. And no
    hero can ever defeat me. That about covers it -- don't you think? I
    mean any more than that would be overkill, right? I mean -- you have to
    have some slim chance of defeating me -- you know."

    Dude, so wish I was stoned, thought California Kid. Oh man, is this
    dude ever going to stop?

    "But really, it would be suicide to try and fight me. I mean the one
    thing that might have given you a chance would have been me wearing the Insanity Gauntlet, but thanks to you that thing is no longer messing up
    my mind. So I'm going to give you some choices, since I don't want to
    kill you if I don't have to. Choice #1: You fight me and I kill all of
    you. Not a very smart choice. Choice #2: You take the Ring of Retconn
    and Insanity Gauntlet and leave this planet and never come back -- Never
    Ever -- and I let you all go in peace. Hey, that's what you wanted,
    wasn't it? That's why you came here? And finally Choice #3: You
    surrender. You agree to worship me. And if you do that, we could all
    go to some other planet and all live in eternal paradise with you all worshipping me. That's all you have to do. Worship. Eternal Paradise.
    Not a bad deal, yeah?"

    Nose itch! Nose itch, thought Bad-Timing Boy gazing at his scratching
    finger that was very, very close; yet at the same time so very, very,
    far away.

    "There, I've given you your choices. Now -- I guess it's up to you to
    decide. You'll probably want to discuss this in a more private place."
    Bart teleported everyone and himself to where the LNH
    Starship.Thingees were and pointed to the ground. The earth shook and a building started to emerge from the ground. It was the LNHHQ (the
    classic four story building version circa 1993-1995). Bart then
    teleported all of the LNH into the lobby of the building -- giving them
    back their freedom and mouths.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    "DIE!!!" screamed the Ultimate Ninja as he threw his ninja bush at the
    Dr. Paprika machine in the corner. The machine shredded to pieces and
    started spraying large amounts of Dr. Paprika all over the lobby.

    "Ah," said Parking Karma Kid. "Now that's a pop with a doctorate in
    taste!" He stepped away from the streaming shower. "Man, we haven't
    had one of those machines since..."

    "Since Bart was a receptionist," said the Ultimate Ninja throwing
    another ninja bush at the machine to stop it from gushing.

    "Finally!" shouted Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "I can finally say it!
    The funniest ninja joke ever! And -- and -- hmm, you know now that I
    think about it -- oh man. You know, forget I said that. The more I
    think on it -- it's not that funny. It was really funny when I was
    frozen and without a mouth -- but not so funny now that I can actually
    tell it. Have you ever had that happen to you? I mean..."

    "Lite," interrupted the Ultimate Ninja, "Do you have anything useful to contribute?"

    Easily-Discovered Man Lite shrugged a bit. "Hey, you know... it's me."

    "Right. Moving on." The Ultimate Ninja used his ninja dry cleaning
    abilities to remove the Dr. Paprika from his costume.

    "You know," said Kid Recap breaking in, "Maybe we should make the deal.
    I mean -- isn't the main reason we came here retrieving the ring and gauntlet? We can deal with Bart some other..."

    "So, you think we should run?" The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "We
    don't make deals and we don't run. We're the LNH."

    "Well, most of the time -- yeah. But considering the circumstances --
    maybe we should have a vote on this."

    "We already had a vote and that vote made me leader. And this is my
    decision. We fight Bart. And we bring him back dead or alive. It's
    that simple."

    "He killed you and brought you back to life -- and he made it look easy,
    UN. And if what he's saying is true about his abilities, he could do
    the same thing to the entire LNH."

    "He's bluffing. If he was that powerful, why not simply destroy us
    right now -- why give us a deal? Regardless, the LNH has fought a
    number of nearly omnipotent threats during its existence. This is no different."

    "I don't think he's bluffing, UN," replied Captain Continuity. "Using
    my cosmic senses he seems to be more powerful than a RACCelestial,
    perhaps in the same range as Master Workload, or maybe as high as the Mechanical Author. This isn't going to be easy."

    "It never ever is easy. Do you think it's going to be easy defeating
    the Bryttle Brothers? Perhaps we could make some deal with them? No.
    I'm not going to force you to fight. If you don't want to fight, please
    feel free and resign from the LNH right now. You can exit from this
    building. But if you are LNH -- then you're going to fight. Are you LNH?"

    There was some mutterings and mumblings from the crowd of heroes. And
    some, "Should've voted for Fearless Leader."

    "I said: 'Are you LNH!?' I want to hear you!! ARE YOU LNH!!!!!????"

    This was followed by more mutterings and mumblings that sounded vaguely
    like, 'Yes, we are LNH.' Sarcastic Lad added, "Oh, goody. We all get
    to die a hero's death."

    "Very well. Now onto the plan. Do you still have Bart's soul, Kid Recap?"

    Kid Recap looked down at the box he was still carrying that contained
    Bart's soul. "Yeah. Umm, but that whole plan involved Bart wearing the Insanity Gauntlet."

    "Well. Then we go to plan B. What's plan B, Innovative Offense Boy?"

    "Umm, that *$#@*@# one involves the Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlet too. So
    do plan $#@*%*@ C through plan @#&*@#*&*&#@ Z."

    "Well, then think of a plan that doesn't involve Bart wearing the
    Insanity Gauntlet!"

    "I'm #%$#@$%$%#$ thinking! Hmm, @#$**@#& Bart did seem to be @#**$$@# vulnerable to the Ice Caverns of @#$%*@* Existence. Well, assuming that
    wasn't just some %$#@*& scam to get us to *&@#$@ take off the Insanity
    @#$%*@* Gauntlet. Hmm, oh %$#@@%%* wait! Maybe we could @#*$#@% trick
    him into *&#$%@ wearing the Insanity @#$%*@* Gauntlet again!"

    "Hey! I've got a plan!" shouted Bad Judgment Boy. "How about we all do
    some PCP and then stick some angry weasels down our costumes and then --
    Yeah!" Bad Judgment Boy started making wild hand gestures. "Get this
    -- and then we all just -- Rush him! Yeah! We all just rush Bart!!
    He'll never see that coming!! Yeah!! Is this the best superhero plan
    ever or what?!!!" Bad Judgment Boy waited for everyone to give him a
    high five.

    The Ultimate Ninja shook his head and said, "No. Does anyone else have
    an idea -- and before you say something I should add -- that isn't
    completely stupid?"

    "What? We forgot to bring the PCP and angry weasels?"

    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    "Half a league, half a league,

    Half a league onward,
    All in the valley of Death
    ...
    Boldly they rode and well,
    Into the jaws of Death,
    Into the mouth of Hell..." paraphrased Bart from some old Tennyson
    poem he had remembered from High School as he watched the LNH come out
    of the LNHHQ he had created. "Well, guess you've all chosen suicide
    then. Have to admit I was hoping that would be your choice."

    "No!" cried RoboStomper II (The newest version of Dr. Stompers
    roboduplicate). "After analyzing all of the data, we LNH robot
    duplicates have come to the conclusion that the LNH has no chance in
    defeating you!" He held up his calculator.thingee for all to see.
    "Therefore, we robot duplicates will happily join you in your
    extermination of the LNH!" The robot duplicates of Contraption Man,
    Irony Man, Occultism Kid, and Ripping Dancer all nodded their heads.


    [continued in next message]

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