• LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #225: LNH vII #50 The Conclusion (2/3)

    From Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to All on Sun Dec 12 21:27:54 2021
    [continued from previous message]

    ...said the part of Seyfert's mind that he never listened to. The
    rest of him stood up straight and spoke loudly, to be heard over the
    party guests. "Mr. Stork, something really bad's going on with the
    Dorfs. I don't know all of it, but you need to remember *something*,
    some secret from the Legion's history, to save the world. I..." He
    looked away, out the penthouse window, over the city below. "We need
    your help."

    "Yeah... yeah, I know." Toony sighed, and turned his half-full glass
    over, spilling the amber liquid on the floor. He pressed a concealed
    button on the bottom, and as one, the party guests slumped, inert forms
    clattering to the floor.

    Seyfert looked around. "...they were robots."

    "Perfect for being alone in a crowd." Toony pushed himself to his
    feet, tossing the glass behind him. "The storyarc reactor should filter
    the alcohol out of my system while we fly to the LNHQ." He flicked open
    the knick-knack shelf and took out his official LNH flight.thingee.ring.

    "You think the end of all this is going to be at the LNHQ?"

    "When you get to my age, you get the feeling of a what a big, team-
    wide event looks like. An' also a Dorf super... mega... dark... a Dorf
    ship uncloaked 'bout five minutes ago." Toony coughed, and Seyfert
    fancied he could see the alcohol evaporating.

    "And you think you can do it?" Seyfert wasn't sure. This all felt
    too easy... but then he saw the look in Toony's eyes. No. Not easy at
    all.

    "Haven't you read the newspapers? Saving the world's what I'm good
    at." Toony shook his head, looking at the discarded glass, lying on the
    lounge chair. "Seems like the only thing I'm good at, anymore."

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    "...so what you're saying," said Kid Enthusiastic, in an 'I'm
    thinking really hard!' pose, "is that our choice is either to cure
    Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., and potentially screw over every Dorf in the
    cosmos, or not do that thing, and probably all be horribly murdered
    and/or turn into Dorfs ourselves?"

    "Indeed," said Doctor Stomper.

    "And... PLEASE hurry..." said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., eyes shifting
    colors kaleidoscopically. "Or I WILL TEAR YOUR sense of languid ease OFF
    AND SPIT IN THE provided spitting receptacle NRRRrrrRRRrrghg..."

    "Well!" Kid E stuck a finger in the air. "Clearly, the right
    decision is to take the third option!"

    Cynical Lass threw up her hands. "What third option!?"

    SKRATHOOM! The wall of the infirmary burst inward, and there,
    hovering in midair, were Seyfert and Toony Stark.

    "That third option!" Kid Enthusiastic pointed at the twosome. "The
    Dorfs' weak point! Super huge tragedies!"

    "Oh, thanks," muttered Toony, settling on the floor.

    "Sorry, but he's right," said Poignant Death Lass. "We need pain and anguish, strong enough for the entire Dorf race to feel. And we need an
    end to the story we've been waiting for..."

    "...the story of the LNH's very first mission," said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid II. "Of course."

    "..." Toony fell into a chair. "Of course of course." His shoulders slumped. "Would it also help fight the Dorfs if I was having my genitals electrocuted while I told you?"

    Kid Enthusiastic made a face at the mental image. Pulls-Paper-Out-
    of-Hats Lad scratched the back of his neck. Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.
    gurgled.

    Out of the shadows, Irony Man II stepped forward, placing an armored
    hand on Toony's arm.

    Toony sighed and rubbed the hand. "Yeah, okay. Hero time." He raised
    his head. "Ladies, gentlemen, the entire Dorf civilization..." He nodded towards Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.'s throbbing skull. "I bring you two
    tales. The tale of the very first mission of what would become the
    Legion of Net.Heroes! ...and the tale of how I failed the same person
    three times."

    Suddenly, the infirmary door opened. General Jarrek, Marshall
    LaRocque, and their crew walked in, bringing rows of plastic chairs and
    a giant comfy lounge chair. They carefully lifted Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.
    into the latter, and everyone else settled down to listen to the
    climactic story.

    Namer Boy raised his hand. "Don't you need the memory sticks to
    remember all this?"

    Toony shook his head. "Before I left, I copied everything back into
    my brain. Seemed like the best punishment I could give myself."

    "Eesh."

    He took a drink of water, cleared his throat, and began. "At the
    time, there was no big Ame.rec.an net.hero team -- just a lot of free
    agents who teamed up once in a while. Net.ropolis had been a hub for
    this sort of thing since Boy Lad's day, but the first time most of these
    people had met was when she sent out a distress call out to every
    net.hero in range."

    "She?" queried Masterplan Lad.

    "A hero we all knew and trusted. Malysa El-lenn Aitch. A half-human half-Dorf who was Seyfert's predecessor as Protector of the Looniverse
    -- Captain LNH."

    "Of course there was a Captain LNH before there was an LNH,"
    muttered Master Blaster, dangling his BIGGUN over his shoulder.

    "I'm surprised nobody mentioned her when Vel was around," Doctor
    Stomper noted.

    "Yeah, well, don't get ahead of me. So we all came together, myself, Marvel Zombie Lad, Kid Yesterdaze, California Kid, Lurking Girl, Comics
    Snob Boy, Shoots-Arrows-Out-of-His-Butt Lad..."

    "Wait, so there was really a Shoots-Arrows-Out-of-His-Butt Lad?"
    asked Wikiboy.

    "Oh, no, sorry -- this was the original Mood Arrow. That's just what Horrible Name Lad I called him."

    Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass blinked loudly. "Wait, so
    there used to be *another* Horrible Name Lad?" PDL said.

    "Horrible Name Lad I was actually his name," noted Toony. "A side-
    effect of his powers."

    "I'm a legacy character..." squeed HNL.

    "Anyway, we also had Loquacious Lad, List Lad, the original
    Occultism Kid, Bandwagon Chick and Miss Calico."

    "Miss Calico?" said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad. "I thought Tom
    Russell retconned Teenfactor out."

    "Well, this was the post-Cry.sig post-Retcon-Hour post-Infinite- Leadership-Crisis post-58.5 post-Beige-Midnight pre-Just-Another-Cascade version of her."

    "Oh, I see."

    "What?" said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid II, blinking.

    "Guys could we PLEASE get back on track," said Ubiquitous Boy Lad
    Jr., cranial veins swelling.

    "Right," said Toony. "So Captain LNH had a desperate warning -- the
    Earth was in trouble. The Dorfs had been trying to gain access to our
    planetary transreality nexus."

    "You mean the one in the LNHQ?" said Kid Enthusiastic, wibbling energetically in his seat. "The mysterious higher-dimensional energy
    pattern which, despite the best minds in pseudoscience working on it, we
    still don't know if it's a living creature that feeds on heroic emotions
    or a locus of magic that attracts heroic energy or what?"

    "Yes, though at the time, it was the mysterious higher-dimensional
    energy pattern in the defunct Net.ropolis Hotel Grand."

    "Never could understand why they kept trying to keep a hotel open
    here," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad. "It kept going out of business because of weird paranormal happenings, or some net.villain
    running a demented scheme out of one of the rooms, or a giant butterfly
    laying eggs in the honeymoon suite..."

    "They had thrown hundreds of screaming Dorfs through space," said
    Toony, glaring at YNHMHELad, "attempting to lock on to the nexus, but
    only one had made it through."

    General Jarrek's eye twitched. Seyfert looked at him, then back at
    Toony.

    "Yes. Jarrek had orders to transform the nexus into a permanent
    beachhead through which the Dorfs could invade this entire sector of the galaxy."

    "That's what the fake you said," Cynical Lass noted with a raised
    eyebrow. "That they'd mind-controlled the August One -- that is,
    Occultism Kid -- and had him open the portal."

    "What, mind control on the one person best protected from outside influence? Gotta hand it to the Dorfs, they don't lack for ego." Toony
    shook his head. "No. They were opening the portal on Earth because the
    thing they needed to open the portal was on Earth -- the Cosmic Plot
    Device."

    There was a gasp, and Painful Pun Person muttered, "So it really was
    a parody of the Avengers movie!"

    "Indeed. Jarrek broke into the Net.ional History Museum, guns
    blazing, and stole it. Mood Arrow had been the only one to respond --
    and Jarrek used the Device to take him over. We had a traitor in our
    ranks."

    "DUN DUN DUN!"

    "Thank you, Bad Judgment Boy. We raced to stop Jarrek before he
    could open the portal -- half came with me, half with California Kid."

    "We made a motley group, I can tell you that. Kid Yesterdaze and
    Comics Snob Boy were fighting over the X-Men, Bandwagon Chick and Marvel
    Zombie Lad were dissing each other's ride, Occultism Kid was making
    aloof comments, Miss Calico was trying to explain why she wasn't going
    to call herself 'Aero Lass's Future Mother Woman', and in the middle of
    it all, Loquacious Lad was going on and on, lecturing List Lad and
    Captain LNH on why net.heroes shouldn't date each other. I should have
    realized that Mood Arrow wasn't himself, but frankly I was just glad he
    was being quiet."

    Poignant Death Lass put a hand to her head, in premonition.

    "He was already there, setting up when we arrived. Atop the Hotel
    Grand, Captain LNH pleaded with him to stop, and that's when we found
    out that he... was her father."

    "DUN DUN DUNNNNN!"

    "Yes thanks you can stop now. Jarrek... he didn't listen, but it was obvious he still cared for her. He zapped her with the Device -- blocked
    her cosmic powers somehow, left her up there so he could monologue to
    her -- and teleported the rest of us to the ground. He summoned a bunch
    of energy-projection copies of himself that there weren't any ethical
    problems with destroying."

    "Efficient," nodded Masterplan Lad.

    "We fought him with everything we had. Repulsor blasts, mystic fire,
    old comics, getting things weeks late, focused totality, snobbishness,
    horrible names, longwindedness, tabulation, convincing everyone to do
    the same thing, and whatever Miss Calico's powers were in this version
    of history. We were making room so that Occultism Kid could set up a
    ritual that would disrupt the nexus and send Jarrek back where he came.
    We were holding them back... and then Mood Arrow turned around and
    stabbed me with a rage arrow."

    Irony Man squeezed Toony's shoulder gently.

    "List Lad took him out right after, tripped him up with the original
    air dates of every episode of Guiding Light." Toony swallowed, his voice getting a bit hoarse. "He asked me if I was okay to continue the battle,
    and I said... I said I was fine. That I could work through the rage.
    That it wouldn't affect my judgment."

    The people in the room looked at each other. A glance passed along a thought -- about fogs of rage that clouded one's mind.

    "I knew we had to keep the ritual going, but a thought crept into my
    mind like a thief in the night. Captain LNH was distracting him, but
    Jarrek could look down at any time and use the Device to knock us around
    like bowling pins. I was fixated -- I had to *stop* him."

    "I charged up my repulsors -- and *kept* charging, beyond the
    recommended maximum, until the surface of my gloves was red-hot and I
    could feel the energy crackle against my palms. I flew up and shouted to
    him, and when he turned, I let loose the blast."

    "And in that crystal-clear moment, I could see it. This was exactly
    what Jarrek wanted. The Device could reach as far as the Dorf homeworld,
    but it had to find it first. It needed a signal, an identifier. And I
    had given it one -- the channeled power of my rage."

    General Jarrek had not moved, but tears were streaming down his
    face.

    "And... and Captain LNH had seen it too. With the power she usually
    had, she could have blocked a sun. He had taken that, but he hadn't
    taken... taken the willpower, the courage that she... she needed to..."
    Toony closed his eyes.

    Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. gasped in understanding, and the Dorfs gasped
    with him. General Jarrek let out a low, keening wail.

    "I didn't... I think Jarrek restored her powers, but a moment too
    late. She wasn't fried to a crisp, but she was fading fast."

    "My rage was spent. I just... I landed and picked her up. Jarrek
    didn't try to stop me, just stared as I flew off with her. I heard a
    twang as he disappeared."

    A tear rolled down UBLJr.'s wide face. "Nothing in Dorf society
    prepared them for that kind of grief. When he got back, they thought we
    knew their weakness, called off any plans to invade that way again."

    His eyes glistening, Toony nodded. "Makes sense." He heaved a great
    sigh. "I got her back to my laboratory. I couldn't heal her -- nothing
    on Earth could, not back then. But my guilt lead me to do a very
    desperate and stupid thing."

    "The memory recording software I use is based on my early
    experiments in... in uploading minds. I tried to transfer Captain...
    tried to transfer Malysa's mind to an AI, but it... I was in there for
    three days without sleep, it wasn't, it was flawed and unstable and it
    didn't work..."

    Toony wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. "Unixepoch, Malysa's
    boss, Seyfert's boss, appeared to me in that room. He said... he said
    that one day, we would be ready to join as the world's greatest heroes,
    but not yet. And to keep us from giving up, he would take our memories
    of what had happened."

    "Maybe he knew that I wouldn't forget -- that I'd already backed
    those memories up. Maybe he knew List Lad wouldn't -- that he never
    forgets anything. Maybe that was our private punishment. Maybe."

    Seyfert sighed, running his hands through his hair. "That... cosmic idiot."

    Toony tried to smile at him, but turned away with a grimace. "I had
    failed her twice, and I failed her once more. I couldn't... couldn't get
    rid of what was left of her, so I stored the project with my memory
    files. Even when I moved them into the LNHQ. And that's where it was
    when wReamicus Maximus stole it -- and used it as the basis for Vector,
    the living computer virus."

    "Oh..." whispered Doctor Stomper. "Oh, no..."

    "So that's it. She was lost and betrayed for the last time." Toony
    hung his head. "And it's all my fault."

    Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. let out a startled yelp. His head was
    shrinking quickly. "The Dorfian Over-Mind... so overwhelmed with emotion
    that it's collapsing..."

    "Then we've beaten--"

    A form flashed across the room, quick as a wink, and Toony was up
    against the wall. General Jarrek had his hand around his throat, eyes
    blazing.

    "What the hell," groaned Master Blaster.

    "He shouldn't even be able to move," said Poignant Death Lass,
    staring.

    "I can still feel the rage in him..." said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. "Concentrated... can't hold it back..."

    "That's right," whispered Toony. "You took it, didn't you? The
    Heart."

    Jarrek stared into Toony's eyes, unflinching, unmoving. A sickening
    pulse swept across the room, and the net.heroes spasmed, the virus
    within them reacting.

    And Toony stared right back. "You're not wrong to hate me. But I bet
    I could give you a run for your money. And if killing me would bring her
    back, I'd say -- do it. But we both know that it won't. So what will you
    do with your hate?"

    Jarrek's hand opened, and Toony fell to the ground. He ripped his
    claws across his own armor and pulled out the Heart of the Prophet. And
    he squeezed.

    Jarrek screamed, and the Heart screamed with him, and they were
    caught up in a great ugly yellow flame of pure rage and were gone.

    "What just--" asked a confused Namer Boy.

    "It's over," said Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr., standing up. His head was
    smaller, but still engorged and pulsing.

    "But what about...?" Kid Enthusiastic started to say.

    "It's OVER! FINISHED!!!" screamed Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. Then he
    took a deep breath. "Sorry about that. The rage inside me is stable for
    now, but I don't know how long I can hold it in. I need to go!"

    "Go where?" asked Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad.

    "These Dorfs - they've seen all this. Their captain is dead. I've
    got one chance. My control is fading, but if I can bring them together,
    maybe there could be some faction in the endless Dorf wars that could...
    that could remember what happened."

    "Wait!" said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad. "You don't have
    to do this! There's got to be another way!"

    Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. shook his enormous head with a smile. "I have
    to. And besides, if I don't -- this issue will never get posted.
    Goodbye, my friends." And with that, he was enveloped in a teleportation
    beam, lifted away into the Dorf ship.

    The LNH watched in silence. A few of them waved goodbye.

    "Hey! I know what we can name this episode now!" said Horrible Name
    Lad. "Get this -- 'I'd Like to Order A Looniversal Pied Piper Syndrome
    -- Hold the Taco Salad Cheesecake!' Am I right, guys?! I should be
    called Awesome Name Lad!"

    Everyone rolled their eyes.

    Catalyst Lass opened the door. "Guys? Did something happen while I
    was getting ready for the party?"

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    Epilogue(s)

    The LNH watched as the Dorfian ship rocketed off into the sunset.

    "Well, that's that then," said Cynical Lass, lighting herself a
    cigarette. "And you," she said, eyeing the Taco Salad Cheesecake
    suspiciously. "Are we going to have any more trouble from you?"

    "No." Taco Salad Cheesecake shook its head. "Taco Salad Cheesecake
    no cause you more problems. Taco Salad Cheesecake renounce the ways of violence. Taco Salad Cheesecake find it not have the taste for mindless brutality like it did when it was much younger." A pretty butterfly
    landed on Taco Salad Cheesecake's finger. Taco Salad Cheesecake gazed
    at the pretty butterfly. "No. Taco Salad Cheesecake needs to figure
    things out. Find out what Taco Salad Cheesecake's purpose is. Why Taco
    Salad Cheesecake exists. Yes. Taco Salad Cheesecake begins a long
    journey today. A long journey of discovery. A long journey in which Taco
    Salad Cheesecake will hopefully find -- *Taco Salad Cheesecake*!" The
    pretty butterfly flew off Taco Salad Cheesecake's finger and fluttered
    off into the sunset.

    "Uh, yeah," said Cynical Lass, flicking some cigarette ash onto the sidewalk. "Good luck with that."

    Taco Salad Cheesecake put on its motorcycle helmet and started up
    its bike. And then it waved to the LNH and the LNH waved back. And many
    in the LNH wondered if this would be the last time Taco Salad Cheesecake
    ever actually appeared in an LNH story. And with that thought, Taco
    Salad Cheesecake rode off into the sunset.

    "Man," said Building Suspense Lad, waving along with the rest.
    "Where did Taco Salad Cheesecake get that sweet ride? It kind of looks
    like -- Wait! That's my bike!! That bastard cheesecake stole my bike!!"
    And Building Suspense Lad rushed off into the sunset after Taco Salad Cheesecake.

    And the LNH looked as the sun sank into the horizon. "Well," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, "guess it's time to get the LNH 20th
    nniversary Party started!"

    "Maybe we should call it the 22st Anniversary Party, considering
    when this thing will probably get posted," joked Namer Boy.

    And all of the heroes had a hearty laugh at that.

    And then they stopped laughing. Because... yeeeeeah.

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    After the last of the confusion was sorted out, Catalyst Lass asked, "Well?"

    "Well what?" said Fearless Leader, who had just finished his long
    day of sorting out forms while the rest of the team had stopped an alien invasion.

    "Wasn't there going to be a party?"

    "I guess so. I don't feel much like celebrating now." He sighed.
    "Did Captain LNH exist in my world? Did she die there too? I guess it
    doesn't matter too much, with the way things turned out. I was just kind
    of hoping we could go one storyline without some big tragedy or dark
    secret, but I guess that's not how they do comics anymore. This was
    supposed to celebrate everything that was great about the LNH so we
    could go forward into a new era. Instead, it just about destroyed us."

    "Well," said Catalyst Lass, "that whole thing was hanging over our
    heads for a long time. We would have had to deal with this someday, one
    way or another. Now we can make a clean break and move on."

    Fearless Leader, taking the last sip of his last cup of coffee,
    didn't look too convinced.

    Catalyst Lass nodded. "And we did save the Dorfs. Or some of them,
    anyway. We made the galaxy a better place than it was this morning.
    That's something worth celebrating, right?"

    "I just wish Captain LNH would have been around to see it."

    "Yeah, I wish I could have known her better. I still only sort of
    remember her. But anyway... I did kiiiind of spend several weeks
    organizing this thing and ordering party hats for all the kiwis, but
    I'll see if anyone wants to have the party or if we all just need a
    break..."

    A crowd of kiwis wearing party hats waddled into the lobby. "Kiwi
    kiwi kiwi," they muttered angrily.

    "What? We're not calling off the party, don't worry." Cat petted the
    lead kiwi on its fuzzy head. It looked slightly less grumpy. She threw
    up her hands. "OK, it's party time!"

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    In later years, the LNH 20th anniversary party became a thing of
    legend, told by the new generation of net.heroes who were just beginning
    to trickle in to the members who followed them to demonstrate their
    seniority, then repeated with all the additions and distortions one
    would expect. For everyone who lived through it, it felt just as
    momentous as the galaxy-defining battle that had happened earlier that
    day, although it inspired far fewer Wikipedia Galactica flamewars.
    Friendships were made and lost. There were first kisses, pointless
    arguments, dance-offs. Most of this will not be related because this
    story has gone on for quite long enough.

    On the whole, after the chaos of earlier that day, it went smoothly enough, apart from the glitch in the computer system that led to "Jump"
    by Kriss Kross being played for three hours straight. It turned out it
    was very well-attended -- practically everyone who was part of the LNH
    who wasn't missing, dead or retconned at the time (and a few who were,
    thanks to time travel and continuity errors) showed up. Catalyst Lass
    was dancing enthusiastically with anyone who'd let her. Fearless Leader
    sipped on his beer and smiled fondly, joining Cat for a brief slow dance
    after some prompting. Kid Enthusiastic skipped out on the party, as
    everything he'd been through left him tired enough to need a day-long
    nap. Self-Righteous Preacher spent an hour and a half cursing the
    institution of parties and then sulked off. The rumors that he sought to
    drown his sorrow in drink and ran around in the middle of the night with
    his underwear on his head have never been confirmed or denied. Ultimate
    Ninja stood sentinel at the doorway and didn't move an inch, except for charging onto the dancefloor and furiously dancing when "Kung Fu
    Fighting" played.

    There were other, stranger rumors too. Some spoke of hearing purring
    and feeling a cat's fur brush up against them, but no one could say who
    it was. Others recalled a pale, gaunt figure who complained at length
    about the New 52 and berated everyone in hearing for not reading the
    comics of Daniel Clowes, then vanished, walking between the shadows at midnight.

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    "Look at all these people," said Obscure Trivia Lad. "Obscure Trivia
    Lad remembers when we had just 27 members. Can you imagine?"

    Dr. Stomper nodded. "I'm feeling a little sad, though. Just thinking
    about everyone who's come and gone."

    "Such as Captain LNH?"

    "I was thinking more about the characters of authors who went away.
    As awful as this may sound, in a way, the deaths are easier to deal
    with. That way there's some closure. I was thinking of the characters of authors who moved on or dropped off the Net, who never had a chance to
    have their stories finished in a satisfying way."

    Sing-Along Lass nodded. "It does feel strange not having Rebel Yell
    or Lurking Girl here. I still sometimes think that one day they're just
    going to walk in and come back like nothing had happened..."

    Everyone gasped. The crowd had clustered by the door, staring at the
    two figures who had just walked in. "Who is it?" said Sing-Along Lass.

    "It's... no... it can't be!" said Doctor Stomper.

    "Obscure Trivia Lad thought they were gone forever!"

    "That's right!" said the figure at the room. "It's us -- Halls
    Jordan, the Cosmic Custodian, and Cliche Dude!"

    "Wanna make somethin' of it?" said Cliche Dude.

    "Where were you?" said Catalyst Lass, hugging them both. "I heard
    you guys were dead!"

    "I heard you'd eloped!" said Kid Yesterdaze.

    "It's a long story," said Cliche Dude.

    "Well you got here just in time," growled Ultimate Ninja. "There's
    no way Squeaky Clean will be able to fix all this on his own. See?" A
    band of drunken kiwis playing paintball thundered by, spraying paint all
    over the walls.

    "Guess so." Halls Jordan sighed. "It's a dirty job, but--"

    "Hey!" said Cliche Dude. "That's my line!"

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    Masterplan Lad shuffled awkwardly as the party roared on around him.
    The crowd was so large he felt like he could barely breathe. He wanted
    to be talking with someone, but he didn't want to start a conversation
    with anyone. Where would he even begin? He barely recognized anyone in
    this sea of faces around him.

    None of the people who he'd been travelling with, who he could
    perhaps call his friends, were there. Manga Girl aside, they'd probably
    feel as out of place here as he did. At the moment, he felt more lost
    and alone than ever before, even when he'd been stranded at the end of
    the universe.

    "You there!" shouted Cynical Lass, holding up a Guinness. She'd had a
    fair bit to drink by now and had previously been absorbed in singing
    punk songs off key, which he hadn't known was even possible. "What's
    your name again?"

    "Er, Masterplan Lad?"

    She blinked. "Have I seen you before?"

    "Given all the time travel nonsense that's been going around lately,
    it's impossible to tell."

    She laughed. "That is true. What's your real name?"

    "...I don't particularly have one." He frowned and looked down at
    his shoes.

    "Huh. That's messed up." He had to admit it was. "Well, you should
    have some sort of psuedonym. You're new here, so I should tell you
    net.heroes usually go for really awful puns."

    "I'm quite familiar with the tropes of this genre, you know. Hmm.
    You're right, though. How about... David X. McKenna?"

    "Ha! That's pretty clever. Well, I think it's clever, but I'm
    getting extremely drunk." She smirked. "You ever drunk before? You have
    that fresh-faced cherubic teetotaller look about you."

    "...I can't remember, but probably not."

    "Come on. Try it." She handed him the glass of Guinness. He looked cautiously at the warm brown drink -- was she even old enough to drink?
    With the sliding timescale, it was impossible to tell. For that matter,
    was he? How could he know? He drank a sip of it then, overwhelmed by the
    taste, almost spat it out. She snerked. "Not bad for a first try. You'll
    be a proper British drunk in no time."

    "Ah, thank you. I have, er, business to attend to."

    "If you say so." She waved goodbye, then stumbled off to the karaoke booth.

    Masterplan Lad stroked his recently-bearded chin. Had she been
    trying to flirt with him? It was impossible to tell. She'd have to have
    been fairly drunk to find him attractive. At any rate, he was glad the
    moment had passed. He'd felt that uncomfortable twinge of feeling he
    felt -- thankfully intermittently -- around men, women, and especially,
    it would seem, gender-indeterminate chaos beings. He had had quite
    enough to deal with that day without that. He had, though, glanced
    around the room to see if Chaos Theory was around -- this sort of wild,
    chaotic occasion seemed like the sort of place they'd enjoy. But they
    were nowhere in sight. He didn't know whether to feel disappointed or
    relieved.

    Masterplan Lad decided to leave the party to -- he wasn't really
    sure what. Perhaps investigate the library. Or sleep. He wasn't sure how
    to go to sleep, because he'd never tried it before. Lost in his
    thoughts, he collided with another LNHer who was lurking uneasily at the
    edge of the room. "Oh, sorry," he said reflexively.

    "Thank you?" said the young man, as if someone apologizing was so
    rare to him he couldn't quite believe it had happened. He was... young-
    ish, male-ish, with a confused and vulnerable air to him. But beyond
    that his appearance was hard to pin down. Or rather, he seemed to be a
    lot of things potentially at once.

    "Have we met? This issue has been going on for so long I'm not sure
    even I can remember all of it."

    "Maybe? I'm WikiBoy."

    "Oh, right. Hello." He knew him from the mission, although he
    couldn't quite remember how it had all gone down. The flashing lights
    and the noise and the crushing presence of the crowd, as well as the
    small sip he had had of beer, had left him dizzy. "Do you like beer?"
    He'd hoped he could understand what people who drank beer saw in it,
    since he was still trying to figure out if he liked the taste or not.

    WikiBoy shrugged. "I don't know. Nobody's edited that."

    "So, your nature is really under the absolute control of other
    people?"

    "Pretty much. I'm used to it."

    Masterplan Lad frowned. He should have found this refreshing. He
    knew his place in the story and didn't question it. This was certainly a
    change from other net.heroes he'd had to deal with. But it troubled him. "Err... I'd like to try an experiment. Is that all right?"

    WikiBoy twitched. "Uh, sure."

    "You are now a truck." WikiBoy expanded into a red semi-trailer,
    knocking over a wall.

    "That's interesting," he said. "Did you know in advance what kind of
    truck you were going to turn into?"

    "I don't know?"

    "I deliberately tried not to picture anything. So your traits beyond
    the order that's given you initially -- when you developed needles for
    fingers initially, for example -- could be under your control?"

    "Huh. I never thought about that," said WikiBoy.

    "Well perhaps -- oh, right. You're not a truck." He turned back into
    what he'd been previously.

    Halls Jordan stomped in and looked at the wrecked wall. "This is
    bullcrap. I just repaired that wall."

    "Do you mean you just repaired that wall now, or you just repaired
    it twenty years ago?"

    "...Aaarg. I'm sick of time travel."

    --LNH-- --LNH-- --LNH--

    Irony Man II, slipping gingerly around the party, smiled at Halls
    Jordan's expression of frustration with time travel. It was a fine
    ironic smile, one she'd spent her whole life cultivating, but it was
    wasted on the party, as she was wearing a mask, and she didn't want
    anyone to pay attention to her anyway. Then again, there was a certain satisfying irony to that.

    Nearby, Doug Moran was doing the Macarena with Catalyst Lass. She
    was glad she'd sent the message summoning him; he deserved to be part of
    this celebration, and was clearly enjoying himself. She'd never been
    much one for parties, preferring to spend her time alone in the gardens

    [continued in next message]

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