Tis the X-Mas reposting season..

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:

Mr. Paprika Brand Eggnog: Now that's a Man's Eggnog!

Grand Theft Flight.thingee - Northpole: Guns, Drugs, Prostitutes,
Elves, Reindeers, and More Prostitutes! Finally a video game that puts
the Ho, Ho, Ho's back into Holiday! (Maybe inappropriate for some small children.)



And now...




The JONG Company proudly presents:


CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#1 (out of 4)

The Dog That Barked -- Christmas!


The Ultimate Ninja stretched his arms and gave a yawn as he walked into
the LNHQ's lobby. He was still recovering from the Zombie Thanksgiving,
which had happened just yesterday when some satanic vegetarians
unleashed demonically possessed frozen turkeys on the citizens of
Net.ropolis. Fortunately, the two brothers: Nomex Man and Captain
Napalm were there to help with the trouble. The Ultimate Ninja imagined
that the streets of Net.ropolis still smelled like barbecued turkey.
Hopefully, today would be uneventful. The ninja guessed though that the
LNH would be needed for crowd control at the malls to keep the innocent bystanders from killing each other.

As he stepped into the lobby for a cup of coffee and to brief the
receptionist Kyoko Ishikawa on a few items, he sensed that something was
afoot. A bunch of LNH'rs were loitering around the receptionist desk
laughing and fooling around. This was never a good sign. What were
they doing? Their attention seemed to be focused on something. Some
kind of animal. A dog?

The Ultimate Ninja cleared his throat.

"Oh, hi UN! Didn't see you there. Isn't this guy just the cutest!"
responded Catalyst Lass holding the small black and white dog close to
her face. "Yes you are! Yes you are! *giggle* He's licking my face!"

The Ultimate Ninja gripped the hilt of his katana blade tightly. "How
did this dog get in the building?" he said trying to bring some
professionalism back to the conversation.

"Oh, um. He was already here when I entered the lobby," The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said shrugging his arms.

"And when I came to work he was already in the building too. I just
thought he was someone's pet," Kyoko said with a nervous tone in her
voice wondering if UN was in one of his crazed homicidal killer moods
this morning.

"So, no one let him in? He just waltzed right in the building without
setting off any of our highly advanced security equipment? Is that what
you people are saying?"

"Well our security has never really been all that great, UN. I mean
really, it's not like this kind of thing hasn't happened before,"
wReamhack interjected and then stepped slightly back as the Ultimate
Ninja's gaze found him. "Um.. not that I approve of this of course.
I'm just as disappointed by all this as you are. Yep. Disappointed.
Really disappointed. Bad security system!" wReamhack waved his finger
at the security system in a stern manner.

UN sighed. "You realize that for all we know this dog could be some
kind of shapeshifting alien or some demon hellspawn? You realize that,
don't you? Waiting for his chance to slaughter us all when we have our
guard down."

"Oh come on, Ultie! Quit being such a grinch! This li'l fella wouldn't
hurt a flea. Would ya? Would ya? Yes, yure just a wittle angel!
Aren't you? Yes you are. Yes you are!" The little dog responded to
Catalyst Lass's questions by licking her face again.

"I did do a scan of him, UN," Dr. Stomper remarked. "Apparently he's
47% poodle, 46% maltese, 4% pit bull, and the last 3% I couldn't identify."

"I guess that makes him a pit maltoodle!" pointed out a scholarly
Parking Karma Kid.

"*Ahem* Anyway," Dr. Stomper continued. "I didn't get any huge power
readings. I think he's harmless."

"Fine. I don't care. Do whatever you want people. I don't care.
Please feel free to forget the countless times my paranoia has been
proven right. But if it is some kind of monster that brutally murders
all of you, don't pretend you weren't warned. And believe me if that
does happen, I will have no problem telling you people that I told you
so. And when you people die I hope you suffer greatly. But I don't
care. Nope. I really don't care. Kyoko. If anyone needs me, I'll be
in the Peril Room. Killing things. Killing a lot of things. If anyone
needs me that is. Have fun with the demonspawn."

With that said the Ultimate Ninja stomped out of the lobby and towards
the Peril Room with a very intense expression on his face.

"Well. Guess that means we can keep him." The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life stroked his chin. "So, what should we call
him?"

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"*Ahem*. Could I have your attention people? If we could all just kind
of be quiet. People? Are you listening to me, people? Is this
microphone on? Anyone?" said The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life standing
behind a podium interrupting a noisy room packed with LNH'rs.

"Here, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. Let me handle this," said
Innovative Offense Boy taking over the mike.

"SHUT THE @#%^@&^# @#*&^&$^% UP!!! The next person that speaks I will personally $%^$^$%^ your #$%^#$%^ with a *&%@$%!!! Do you understand?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" Silence washed over the room in a flash with
everyone just kind of staring at the podium. "Okay. They're all yours."

"Um.. thanks, Innovative Offense Boy. Well. I guess you're all
wondering why I called this meeting. As I'm sure you've heard through
the rumor mill, the LNH has a new pet. This guy right here." The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life picked up the little dog and held him up so everyone could see him. This was followed by a lot of 'Awwws' and
'Isn't he just the cutest?!'. "But there is one problem! He doesn't
have a name. And, well, I guess I was wondering if anyone had any
possible suggestions?"

With that said, every single LNH'r in the room started to give name
suggestions at the same time. Chaos of course followed.

California Kid: "How about the Doggie Dude, Dude?"

aLLiterative Lass: "Suddenly, Simon Sounds Simply Superb."

Old Comics Man: "When I was kid, dogs didn't have names. We just
called them wolves and they would sit by the fire and occasionally we
would throw them a chunk of mammoth gristle. And we liked it that way."

Mojo Dog: "Ret Rim Rick Ris Rown Rame! Rarrogant Rumans!!"

wReamhack: "Old wReller?"

Kid Enthusiastic: "Edo-o, the Ninjadog!!! Oh, wait!!! No. No. I've
got it!! Puppytron 2000!!! Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! No Wait!! Hold the
Phones!!! I've got it!!! This is the winner!!!! Yes!!! Fi-Dorr, the Mighty!!! Bow Down to the Name Master!!! Ha!! Ha!! Oh wait. Here's a
better one...."

Irony Man: "How about Dog Catcher?"

Kiwi #1238: "Kiwi!"

Deja Dude: Rex? Pouchie? Fido? Dogneto?

Easily-Discovered Man Lite: "I say we call him 'Doctor Apocalypse'. Super-villains tend to respect you a lot more if they think you've
turned one of their own into a dog. Besides, I've always wanted to say, 'Assemble the team! Doctor Apocalypse is on the loose... and he's
crapped on the lawn again.' But maybe that's just me."

Captain Cleanup: "How about Spotless?"

*
Vel: "Fro'nakolshen."

Kiwi #3745: "Kiwi!"

Self-Righteous Preacher: "I believe he should be called Pat so he can
be named after one of the truly great Americans -- Pat Robertson!"

Super Apathy Lad: "Feh."

Namer Boy: "Damn! The first chance I've ever had to help the LNH by
using my naming powers, and I can't because I've got Namer's Block!"

Writer's Block Woman: "Sir Galahad, Mighty Canine Knight of Goodness!!
Oh, honey, it's your turn!! Come up with one of those great names
you're always coming up with!! Come on, honey!! Don't be shy!!
Everyone's waiting!! You can do it!!"

Mouse: "Oh, for the love of God. Dog. There? Satisfied?"

Sarcastic Lad: "Writer's Block Woman? Could you please ask your
daughter to turn down the brilliant light that is her creative genius?
It's giving me a sunburn!"

Limp-Asparagus Lad: "K-9. Or is that too intense?"

Fourth Wall Lass: "Daggit. And no I'm not going to explain what that
means."

Arthur Spitzer: "Fine. Be that way."

Retcon Lad: "Captain Carnage, the Death-Laser-Eye-Beamed Dog of Destruction!!!!!"

Anal-Retentive Archive Kid: "Cerebus or Sirius. I know. You were
probably expecting me to say Garm or Fenris."

Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story: "Vlorox."

No-Point Lad: "Insert-Name-Here Dog."

Dismal-Hope Kid: "Abysmal Mutt."

No-Point Lad: "Hmm, we're in the wrong imprint."

Dismal-Hope Kid: "Does it really matter?"

No-Point Lad: "Nope. It never does."

Kiwi #5688: "Kiwi! Kiwi!"

Marvel Zombie Lad: "X-Dog!"

Sing-Along Lass: "How much is that doggie in the window...?"

CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE: "ME? OH, I DON'T HAVE A NAME. I JUST CAN'T RESIST
THE URGE TO SPEAK SOME DIALOGUE."

Kid Anarky: "ANARCHY! ANARCHY! Whoops! Sorry folks. Got carried
away there."

"Okay! Okay, people!" shouted the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life trying to maintain some order. "These are all great suggestions, but we can only
give him one name! I think the best and most fair way to pick our dog's
name would be to have..."

"A Knife Fight!!!" said a gentleman who pulled out a big ass knife from
his trenchcoat. Various other select LNH'rs started chanting, "Knife
Fight! Knife Fight!"

"NO! Not a knife fight! As I was going to say, we should have someone
pick a name from a hat and whatever that name is will become the dog's
new name." Most of the LNH'rs agreed that this was a sound plan, but
there were murmurs from a few disappointed LNH'rs as they put away their knives.

So someone grabbed a hat from the LNH Hat Room and passed it around to
each LNH'r. After each LNH'r had put in a slip of paper, the hat was
given to Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad so he could use his mutant ability
to pull pieces of paper from hats and pick the winning name.

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad cracked his knuckles.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad blew into his hands.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad took a deep breath. Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats
Lad gave a long dramatic pause because hey, let's face it -- this will
probably be the only LNH story he ever appears in. And faster than any
person alive could pull a piece of paper out of a hat,
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad had the winning name in the palm of his hand.

"And the winner is..." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad gave another long
dramatic pause. "... Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!"

After that announcement there was a brief uncomfortable silence followed
by a very loud voice of displeasure from the mob of LNH'rs.

"What the hell...?"

"Who thought up that stupid name?!!"

"Dude! Why must such a cool dog be forced to carry the burden of such a
lame name?! Why, Heavenly Father Dude? Why?"

"Kill Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad!"

"Okay! Settle down folks! Let's just settle down!" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life banged the LNH Meeting Room gavel down.
"Look, I Agree. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch is a lame name.
It might very well be the lamest name that anyone has ever had. But
we all agreed that whichever name was pulled would be the name that we
gave this dog. And maybe none of us, well except for the sick twisted
bastard who came up with the name, likes it. But we're going to have to
learn to live with it because for better or for worse it's our dog's new
name. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch. God help him."


(Footnote Girl: * - Fro'nakolshen is Dorfan for 'Stupid furry thing that
pees on the rug.' Oh, and I think Fluffy would be a keen name. Oh?
The name-picking contest is over? Never mind. *Sigh*.)

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"No. I refuse to make him a member of the LNH."

"But Ultimate Ninja..."

"I let you people keep the dog, but there is no way in hell he is ever
going to be a member of the LNH! The LNH has certain standards to uphold."

"Standards? When we did get those?" gulped a concerned wReamhack.

"Today," the Ultimate Ninja said without a hint of humor.

"UN, you're not giving him a chance!" pleaded Mainstream Man.

"A chance? Okay. I'll give him a chance. If he can survive one minute
with me in the Peril Room, he can become a member of the LNH."

"One Minute?! There's no way he could..." Adamant
Authority-on-Everything began to say.

"Look. This isn't a social club. The LNH faces hordes of supervillains
every day. Every single day might be an LNH member's last one. Anyone
who can't survive at least one minute with me doesn't deserve to be an
LNH'r. No ifs, ands, or buts. If Cauliflower wants to be an LNH'r then
tell him to meet me in the Peril Room. At noon. Today."

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<<~In the upper right hand corner sharpening his Ginsu Katana blade we
have The Unstoppable, The Unbeatable, and still Undefeated Champion of
the Peril Room: The Ultimate Ninja!!!!~>>

A bit of half-hearted applause and a few boos and hisses came from Peril
Room Monitoring Room.

<<~And in the lower left hand corner we have today's challenger -- The
Cutest, Most Adorable, Furry Little Fellow there ever was: Cauliflower
the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!!!!!~>>

A huge burst of applause and cheers shook the Monitoring Room.

<<~Are the fighters ready and in position? Okay then, Let's -- Get
Ready -- To -- wRummmble!!!!~>> shouted the announcer wReamhack.

"Oh this is horrible! I can't watch this!" Catalyst Lass said as she
covered her eyes with her hands.

<(I agree. Very barbaric. Still. I must know,)> Hooded Ho`'od Win
gazed intensely at the monitoring room screen.

"You shouldn't worry Cat," Dr. Stomper pointed out. "Because of the way
the Peril Room operates whatever horrible cruelties the Ultimate Ninja
inflicts on Cauliflower, it won't *really* happen except in the Peril
Room. That being said, I imagine there will still be quite a bit of psychological trauma."

"Boy, that little dog sure has a lot of guts!" Cliche Dude observed.

"Yeah. To bad in a few more seconds they'll be all over the Peril Room
walls," responded Bad Timing Boy.

"Run, Cauliflower! Run!" shouted Cliche Dude.

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"It won't work. That thing you're doing -- with your puppy dog eyes and
the tail wagging. It won't work. I've killed tons more cuter and more adorable things than you. I suggest right now that you pray to whatever
gods you worship for a painless merciful death. Because that death --
well -- it's coming," The Ultimate Ninja said to the cute little black
and white dog wagging his tail.

Now, how would he do this, The Ultimate Ninja thought to himself. Maybe
a little disemboweling to start things off? Then maybe he could
strangle Cauliflower with his own spinal cord. Hmm. What was that
smell? It was like eggnog. Hmm. Eggnog. That would be good right
now. A nice big glass of eggnog. Yeah. That would hit the spot.
Eggnog? Why the hell was he thinking about eggnog? Dammit! Stay
focused. Kill Cauliflower. Kill Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch. Hmm. Christmas. Maybe this year he should put up lights on the
LNHQ? It would sure look pretty all dressed up with lights. Flashing
and flashing. And with all the LNH's high tech equipment they would
surely win the big Net.ropolis Holiday Festival Light Spectacular this
year. Arrrgrrgggrrrrhhhhh!!!! What was happening to him?

Then the memories started to come. Memories of Christmases past. There
was that time when he was five years old and he was helping his father
decorate the ninja bush. And shortly afterwards being rushed to the
hospital because of the lacerations caused by the ninja bush. Or the
time when he was seven and had gotten his first Ginsu Kantana blade. Or
his first Christmas as a member of the LNH back in '92. Bad Timing Boy accidentally burning down the Christmas tree which in turn caused the
entire LNHQ to burn down also. Rebel Yell trying to explain to
reporters what had exactly happened. That was hilarious. Sigh. Those
were the days.

So that's your power, is it? The Power of Christmas? The Ultimate
Ninja started to lose balance. He could feel the Spirit of Christmas
crushing him to the floor. The strain was becoming unbearable. Every Christmas tune there had ever been started ringing through his head.
Sugar Plum Fairies rushing through his veins. God, he wanted to kill
that dog. But it didn't feel like a very Christmassy thing to do.

"Please! Stop it! For the love of God just stop it! I can't take
these Christmassy feelings. You can be a member of the LNH! I give in!
Just stop it!"

And suddenly the Ultimate Ninja felt normal again.

"Oh. And one more thing," the Ultimate Ninja said as he threw his blade
into Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch's skull. "Never. And I
mean never, make me feel like singing, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'.
Got it? Good. Welcome to the LNH."

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"I was wondering when you people would show up. As you can see, me and
Santa have been waiting a long time." The various LNH'rs who had
stormed into Y-Plex Burp's secret base noticed an unconscious Santa
Claus strapped to a Mega-thermonuclear warhead. Y-Plex Burp stood in
the middle surrounded by a bunch of hired thugs.

There was a *KLANG* as the Ultimate Ninja's katana blade hit something
in mid-air.

"Nice Shot, Ultimate Ninja," laughed Y-Plex Burp. "If it hadn't been
for my force field, you might have killed me. Then again maybe that
would have been a bad idea since if you had killed me that would have
triggered off my Mega-thermonuclear warhead causing all of Net.ropolis
to become a huge crater. And if any member of the LNH touches me, the
bomb, or Santa Clause then -- the same thing. Boom. Bye, bye,
Net.ropolis. Oh, and before I forget, hired thugs? KILL THEM!!!!"

With that the hired thugs took out their submachine guns and started
firing. About five seconds later, the LNH without a single scratch had disposed of everyone of Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs.

"Damn. One of these days I'm going to have to buy myself some better
trained thugs. Oh well. Doesn't matter. You see no matter what you do
the bomb's still going to go off. It's out of your control, LNH. Out
of your control."

"But -- if the bomb goes off," said Catalyst Lass in a very calm and
controlled manner, "Then you're going to die too. You don't want to die
-- Do you?"

"I don't want to die?" Y-Plex Burp said in a smug voice. "I beg to
differ, Catalyst Lass. Oh BTW I should perhaps mention that your mental
voodoo is totally ineffective on me as are the rest of the LNH's powers.
I've made myself resistant to each and everyone of them. I've been
planning this little escapade a bit too long to have any one member of
the LNH stop me. And now as to wanting to die, let me ask you, Catalyst
Lass; who is the greatest LNH Villain of all time?"

"Umm, Dr. Killfile?" Catalyst Lass guessed.

"No way -- it's got to be Tsar Chasm, well before he became Mouse's
boyfriend that is," said another hero. Mouse glared back.

"You guys are nuts! It's wReamicus Maximus!"

"Acton Lord, people! It's Acton Lord!"

"*ahem* Lagneto *ahem*," noted Deja Dude.

"Hey, what about the Time Crapper?"

"Ha ha. See? Even the Time Crapper! Even the Time Crapper gets
consideration over me! When people think of the greatest LNH villains
of all time, no one ever thinks about me -- Y-Plex Burp! I guess I
can't blame them. Every single scheme I've had has been a failure. My
whole life has been a huge pathetic failure. The only thing I ever
managed to accomplish was to drive Rebel Yell away from the LNH. And
that was only an accidental byproduct of another failed scheme. So do I
want to die? Yes. If your life was a pathetic waste like mine, I
imagine you'd want to die too."

"Well, boo hoo," responded a not to sympathetic Ultimate Ninja. "Tell
you what, Y-Plex. Turn off the forcefield and the bomb, and I'll
happily give you that death. And I'll even drag you to hell, no extra
charge. What do you say?"

"Heh! Thanks for the offer, UN. But, no -- I think I'll do this my
way. So here's my deal to save Net.ropolis and Santa Claus and for that
matter me: I want every single member of the LNH to commit suicide. If
you all do that I promise to turn off the bomb and free Santa Clause so everyone can have a wonderful Christmas. What do you say?"

"You're totally insane," said Sister State the Obvious.

"I know. Isn't it wonderful? But my deal still stands. So who's going
to die? The LNH? Or the LNH, Net.ropolis, and Santa Clause? Common
sense would dictate that it should just be the LNH. And maybe it's
about time. The LNH is kind of a tired old beast, isn't it? It's been
12 years and the writers and readers are starting to lose interest.
Maybe it's about time that the LNH had its Grand Finale. And what
better way to go than to save good dear old Net.ropolis one last time by committing mass suicide. That would be a great story, wouldn't it? I
think so. Oh well. It's up to you."

Silence filled the room.

And Y-Plex Burp smiled as he continued, "Well, guess now the question is
who will be the first to do the deed? You know who would be a good
first choice? Cannon Fodder. I mean, heck, he's an old pro at this --
aren't you? You can show your teammates how it's done. How to die.
You've got 30 seconds, Cannon Fodder. And if you're still alive after
those 30 seconds then a lot of people in Net.ropolis are going to be
very toasty. Let us begin. 30 mississippi 29 mississippi 28
mississippi..."

Cannon Fodder looked at the Ultimate Ninja. The ninja nodded his head.

Cannon Fodder pulled out a gun from his belt. And then he loaded a
bullet from his shirt. And then he placed the nuzzle of the gun to his
temple. He waited till the 30 seconds were almost over. And then he
closed his eyes tightly and whispered a prayer to himself. And then he
pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang. And then Cannon Fodder's
lifeless body hit the ground.

Catalyst Lass winced as she looked at the blood oozing out of Cannon
Fodder's head. "Oh, Jesus."

"Well that wasn't so hard, was it?" said a gloating Y-Plex Burp. "You
know what we'll try next? Let's try someone who won't come back to
life. How's that sound? Any volunteers?"

"Me," the Ultimate Ninja said in a grim expressionless tone. "I volunteer."

"Wow. You know, I was going to save you for last. But hey, since I'm
such a nice guy what the hell. But how are you going to die? You know
what I'd like to see? You know that thing where you pull the person's
heart right out of their chest? What's that called? Oh yeah, the
Heartthrob! What a funny name. And you've performed that on all kinds
of people, haven't you? But can you do it to yourself? That's what I'm wondering. Can you just take your hand and pull the heart right out of
your own chest? I guess we're all going to find out."

Catalyst Lass put her hand on the Ultimate Ninja's shoulder.

"Don't try to stop me, Cat."

"I'm not. I just wanted you to know that you were the best leader the
LNH ever had."

"I know," the Ultimate Ninja nodded in agreement. "I don't want my
death to be in vain. I want you to do whatever it takes to bring this
@#$%&$% down. Do you understand?"

"We will." Catalyst Lass rubbed one of her eyes. "We will."

The Ultimate Ninja walked over to an area of the room right in front of
Y-Plex Burp and then sat down in seppuku position. He tore open his
black shirt to reveal his bare muscle-bound chest. And then he took off
a black glove on his right hand. He took a few meditative breaths as he prepared to perform the Heartthrob on himself.

"Well, since you're ready, let your 30 seconds begin -- Now! 30
mississippi 29 mississippi... Oh man, this is great! In less than 30
seconds the Ultimate Ninja is going to die! And I'm the one that made
this happen. Y-Plex Burp -- not Dr. Killfile or wReamicus Maximus or
any of those other losers! Man, this going to be the best Christmas
ever. And you know what would be really great right now? A nice big
glass of eggnog! What the.. weird. Why am I thinking about eggnog?
Wait! How did that cute little dog get in here?"

The Ultimate Ninja paused his Heartthrob ritual. Had a miracle arrived?
A Christmas miracle?

"That dog," Y-Plex Burp said watching Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch get closer and closer to him. "He reminds me of someone I once
knew. He -- no. It can't be. Is that you? Is that really you? Oh my
god! Mr. Bojangles? Is that you? Mr. Bojangles? But you were taken
away by the Space Aliens? When I was ten years old. I remember it like yesterday. But you're back! You found me after all these years! How
did you get away from them? Come over here. Come on boy! What? Oh
that's right. The forcefield! Here, wait a sec."

Y-Plex Burp clicked a button on his belt that gave Cauliflower enough
time to jump into his arms before the forcefield returned. "My god.
This is amazing. After all these years we're back together! All these
years. I always wondered what might have happened if those Space Aliens
hadn't kidnapped you. What wonderful adventures we might have had.
Perhaps we could have both made the world a better place. Perhaps...
Wait one bloody sec! Mr. Bojangles didn't have blue eyes. Who the
hell.. *Urk*!"

Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch quickly jumped out of Y-Plex
Burp's arms as Y-Plex stumbled to the floor.

"What happened here?" Catalyst Lass asked as she got quickly over to
where Y-Plex Burp's unconscious body was.

"It's the Black Lotus Fingerlicking Maneuver," the Ultimate Ninja
responded as he joined Catalyst Lass. "If you lick a finger at the
right pressure point you can send a person into a coma for several
months. I figured if Cauliflower was going to go on missions, he should probably know some fighting techniques."

"The Bomb!" shouted Contraption Man. "It's starting to count down!
What are we going to do? None of us can touch it!"

The Ultimate Ninja assessed the situation. "Cauliflower can. He was
able to touch Y-Plex Burp without causing the bomb to blow up, which
means whatever records Y-Plex Burp had they didn't include any with Cauliflower. That means it should be safe for him to deactivate the
bomb. You just need to tell him what to do, Contraption Man."

"But I can't speak dog!"

Ultimate Ninja nodded and then clicked on his comm.thingee.
"Multi-Tasking Man? I want you to hook me up with Linguist Lass pronto!"

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"This is Betty Breasts reporting for the Net.ropolis.News.Network Live
at the Net.ropolis Secret Hideout District. We've just gotten word in
that the Santa Claus hostage crisis has just been taken care of. The
police are right now hauling in Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs and we've
gotten word that Y-Plex Burp has been sent to Lost Cause Boy Memorial
Hospital in critical condition. Reports are that Santa Claus is fine
and only a little bit shaken up. The Mega-thermonuclear warhead that
Santa was strapped to has been deactivated. The word is that one LNH'r
in particular is responsible for saving the day. He's a new LNH'r by
the name of Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch and if it hadn't
been for him, Net.ropolis might very well be a gigantic crater."

"It's got this reporter wondering if a new era in the LNH has begun.
And if so what will this new Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch era
bring? Back to you Pete."

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NEXT: Is Cauliflower the traitor who will destroy the LNH that
Contraption Man foresaw? Or did someone already resolve that dangler?

Special thanks to Jesse Willey, Andrew Perron, Martin Phipps, Rob
Rogers, Saxon Brenton, Jaelle, and Tim Munn for giving possible names
for the dog and dialogue suggestions.

The Incredible Man-With-No-Life is Enrique Conty's

Ultimate Ninja, wReam Hacker, Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Cannon
Fodder, Sister State the Obvious, and Self-Righteous Preacher are wReam's

Y-Plex Burp is Robert A Goodfellow's

Vel is Jesse Willey's

Deja Dude is Martin Phipp's

Writer's Block Woman and Mouse are Jaelle's

Limp-Asparagus Lad, Fourth Wall Lass, Retcon Lad, Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid, Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story, and Footnote Girl are
Saxon Brenton's

Kid Enthusiastic is Andrew Perron's

No-Point Lad, Dismal-Hope Kid are Tim Munn's

California Kid is Dan'l Danehy-Oakes's

Marvel Zombie Lad is Ben Pierce's

Super Apathy Lad is Jacob Lesgold's

Irony Man is Doug Moran's

Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's

Parking Karma Kid is Steve Simmons's

Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Anne Riba's

Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H Harmon's

Mainstream Man is Mark A Nicol's

Kyoko Ishikawa is Ken Schmidt's

Innovative Offense Boy is uplink's

aLLiterative Lass is Charles Fitzgerald's

Old Comics Man is Douglass Barre's

Mojo Dog is Abhay Khosla's

Easily-Discovered Man Lite is Rob Roger's

Kid Anarky is Steph Savoie's

Sarcastic Lad is The Saint's

Sing-Along Lass and Contraption Man are The Drizzt's

Kiwis are Ian Porell's

I'm sure I probably forgot someone. None of these characters used with permission. Yeah I'm on the road to hell.

Author's Note: I was originally going to make this a one-shot special,
but it seemed to get longer and longer so I decided to make it a
mini-series. There are probably tons of grammar mistakes since I rushed
this out without editing it.

Arthur "Bark!" Spitzer

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)

Tis the X-Mas reposting season..

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:

Mr. Paprika Brand Eggnog: Now that's a Man's Eggnog!

Grand Theft Flight.thingee - Northpole: Guns, Drugs, Prostitutes,
Elves, Reindeers, and More Prostitutes! Finally a video game that puts
the Ho, Ho, Ho's back into Holiday! (Maybe inappropriate for some small children.)



And now...




The JONG Company proudly presents:


CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH

#1 (out of 4)

The Dog That Barked -- Christmas!


The Ultimate Ninja stretched his arms and gave a yawn as he walked into
the LNHQ's lobby. He was still recovering from the Zombie Thanksgiving,
which had happened just yesterday when some satanic vegetarians
unleashed demonically possessed frozen turkeys on the citizens of
Net.ropolis. Fortunately, the two brothers: Nomex Man and Captain
Napalm were there to help with the trouble. The Ultimate Ninja imagined
that the streets of Net.ropolis still smelled like barbecued turkey.
Hopefully, today would be uneventful. The ninja guessed though that the
LNH would be needed for crowd control at the malls to keep the innocent bystanders from killing each other.

As he stepped into the lobby for a cup of coffee and to brief the
receptionist Kyoko Ishikawa on a few items, he sensed that something was
afoot. A bunch of LNH'rs were loitering around the receptionist desk
laughing and fooling around. This was never a good sign. What were
they doing? Their attention seemed to be focused on something. Some
kind of animal. A dog?

The Ultimate Ninja cleared his throat.

"Oh, hi UN! Didn't see you there. Isn't this guy just the cutest!"
responded Catalyst Lass holding the small black and white dog close to
her face. "Yes you are! Yes you are! *giggle* He's licking my face!"

The Ultimate Ninja gripped the hilt of his katana blade tightly. "How
did this dog get in the building?" he said trying to bring some
professionalism back to the conversation.

"Oh, um. He was already here when I entered the lobby," The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said shrugging his arms.

"And when I came to work he was already in the building too. I just
thought he was someone's pet," Kyoko said with a nervous tone in her
voice wondering if UN was in one of his crazed homicidal killer moods
this morning.

"So, no one let him in? He just waltzed right in the building without
setting off any of our highly advanced security equipment? Is that what
you people are saying?"

"Well our security has never really been all that great, UN. I mean
really, it's not like this kind of thing hasn't happened before,"
wReamhack interjected and then stepped slightly back as the Ultimate
Ninja's gaze found him. "Um.. not that I approve of this of course.
I'm just as disappointed by all this as you are. Yep. Disappointed.
Really disappointed. Bad security system!" wReamhack waved his finger
at the security system in a stern manner.

UN sighed. "You realize that for all we know this dog could be some
kind of shapeshifting alien or some demon hellspawn? You realize that,
don't you? Waiting for his chance to slaughter us all when we have our
guard down."

"Oh come on, Ultie! Quit being such a grinch! This li'l fella wouldn't
hurt a flea. Would ya? Would ya? Yes, yure just a wittle angel!
Aren't you? Yes you are. Yes you are!" The little dog responded to
Catalyst Lass's questions by licking her face again.

"I did do a scan of him, UN," Dr. Stomper remarked. "Apparently he's
47% poodle, 46% maltese, 4% pit bull, and the last 3% I couldn't identify."

"I guess that makes him a pit maltoodle!" pointed out a scholarly
Parking Karma Kid.

"*Ahem* Anyway," Dr. Stomper continued. "I didn't get any huge power
readings. I think he's harmless."

"Fine. I don't care. Do whatever you want people. I don't care.
Please feel free to forget the countless times my paranoia has been
proven right. But if it is some kind of monster that brutally murders
all of you, don't pretend you weren't warned. And believe me if that
does happen, I will have no problem telling you people that I told you
so. And when you people die I hope you suffer greatly. But I don't
care. Nope. I really don't care. Kyoko. If anyone needs me, I'll be
in the Peril Room. Killing things. Killing a lot of things. If anyone
needs me that is. Have fun with the demonspawn."

With that said the Ultimate Ninja stomped out of the lobby and towards
the Peril Room with a very intense expression on his face.

"Well. Guess that means we can keep him." The
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life stroked his chin. "So, what should we call
him?"

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"*Ahem*. Could I have your attention people? If we could all just kind
of be quiet. People? Are you listening to me, people? Is this
microphone on? Anyone?" said The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life standing
behind a podium interrupting a noisy room packed with LNH'rs.

"Here, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. Let me handle this," said
Innovative Offense Boy taking over the mike.

"SHUT THE @#%^@&^# @#*&^&$^% UP!!! The next person that speaks I will personally $%^$^$%^ your #$%^#$%^ with a *&%@$%!!! Do you understand?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" Silence washed over the room in a flash with
everyone just kind of staring at the podium. "Okay. They're all yours."

"Um.. thanks, Innovative Offense Boy. Well. I guess you're all
wondering why I called this meeting. As I'm sure you've heard through
the rumor mill, the LNH has a new pet. This guy right here." The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life picked up the little dog and held him up so everyone could see him. This was followed by a lot of 'Awwws' and
'Isn't he just the cutest?!'. "But there is one problem! He doesn't
have a name. And, well, I guess I was wondering if anyone had any
possible suggestions?"

With that said, every single LNH'r in the room started to give name
suggestions at the same time. Chaos of course followed.

California Kid: "How about the Doggie Dude, Dude?"

aLLiterative Lass: "Suddenly, Simon Sounds Simply Superb."

Old Comics Man: "When I was kid, dogs didn't have names. We just
called them wolves and they would sit by the fire and occasionally we
would throw them a chunk of mammoth gristle. And we liked it that way."

Mojo Dog: "Ret Rim Rick Ris Rown Rame! Rarrogant Rumans!!"

wReamhack: "Old wReller?"

Kid Enthusiastic: "Edo-o, the Ninjadog!!! Oh, wait!!! No. No. I've
got it!! Puppytron 2000!!! Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! No Wait!! Hold the
Phones!!! I've got it!!! This is the winner!!!! Yes!!! Fi-Dorr, the Mighty!!! Bow Down to the Name Master!!! Ha!! Ha!! Oh wait. Here's a
better one...."

Irony Man: "How about Dog Catcher?"

Kiwi #1238: "Kiwi!"

Deja Dude: Rex? Pouchie? Fido? Dogneto?

Easily-Discovered Man Lite: "I say we call him 'Doctor Apocalypse'. Super-villains tend to respect you a lot more if they think you've
turned one of their own into a dog. Besides, I've always wanted to say, 'Assemble the team! Doctor Apocalypse is on the loose... and he's
crapped on the lawn again.' But maybe that's just me."

Captain Cleanup: "How about Spotless?"

*
Vel: "Fro'nakolshen."

Kiwi #3745: "Kiwi!"

Self-Righteous Preacher: "I believe he should be called Pat so he can
be named after one of the truly great Americans -- Pat Robertson!"

Super Apathy Lad: "Feh."

Namer Boy: "Damn! The first chance I've ever had to help the LNH by
using my naming powers, and I can't because I've got Namer's Block!"

Writer's Block Woman: "Sir Galahad, Mighty Canine Knight of Goodness!!
Oh, honey, it's your turn!! Come up with one of those great names
you're always coming up with!! Come on, honey!! Don't be shy!!
Everyone's waiting!! You can do it!!"

Mouse: "Oh, for the love of God. Dog. There? Satisfied?"

Sarcastic Lad: "Writer's Block Woman? Could you please ask your
daughter to turn down the brilliant light that is her creative genius?
It's giving me a sunburn!"

Limp-Asparagus Lad: "K-9. Or is that too intense?"

Fourth Wall Lass: "Daggit. And no I'm not going to explain what that
means."

Arthur Spitzer: "Fine. Be that way."

Retcon Lad: "Captain Carnage, the Death-Laser-Eye-Beamed Dog of Destruction!!!!!"

Anal-Retentive Archive Kid: "Cerebus or Sirius. I know. You were
probably expecting me to say Garm or Fenris."

Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story: "Vlorox."

No-Point Lad: "Insert-Name-Here Dog."

Dismal-Hope Kid: "Abysmal Mutt."

No-Point Lad: "Hmm, we're in the wrong imprint."

Dismal-Hope Kid: "Does it really matter?"

No-Point Lad: "Nope. It never does."

Kiwi #5688: "Kiwi! Kiwi!"

Marvel Zombie Lad: "X-Dog!"

Sing-Along Lass: "How much is that doggie in the window...?"

CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE: "ME? OH, I DON'T HAVE A NAME. I JUST CAN'T RESIST
THE URGE TO SPEAK SOME DIALOGUE."

Kid Anarky: "ANARCHY! ANARCHY! Whoops! Sorry folks. Got carried
away there."

"Okay! Okay, people!" shouted the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life trying to maintain some order. "These are all great suggestions, but we can only
give him one name! I think the best and most fair way to pick our dog's
name would be to have..."

"A Knife Fight!!!" said a gentleman who pulled out a big ass knife from
his trenchcoat. Various other select LNH'rs started chanting, "Knife
Fight! Knife Fight!"

"NO! Not a knife fight! As I was going to say, we should have someone
pick a name from a hat and whatever that name is will become the dog's
new name." Most of the LNH'rs agreed that this was a sound plan, but
there were murmurs from a few disappointed LNH'rs as they put away their knives.

So someone grabbed a hat from the LNH Hat Room and passed it around to
each LNH'r. After each LNH'r had put in a slip of paper, the hat was
given to Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad so he could use his mutant ability
to pull pieces of paper from hats and pick the winning name.

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad cracked his knuckles.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad blew into his hands.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad took a deep breath. Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats
Lad gave a long dramatic pause because hey, let's face it -- this will
probably be the only LNH story he ever appears in. And faster than any
person alive could pull a piece of paper out of a hat,
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad had the winning name in the palm of his hand.

"And the winner is..." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad gave another long
dramatic pause. "... Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!"

After that announcement there was a brief uncomfortable silence followed
by a very loud voice of displeasure from the mob of LNH'rs.

"What the hell...?"

"Who thought up that stupid name?!!"

"Dude! Why must such a cool dog be forced to carry the burden of such a
lame name?! Why, Heavenly Father Dude? Why?"

"Kill Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad!"

"Okay! Settle down folks! Let's just settle down!" The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life banged the LNH Meeting Room gavel down.
"Look, I Agree. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch is a lame name.
It might very well be the lamest name that anyone has ever had. But
we all agreed that whichever name was pulled would be the name that we
gave this dog. And maybe none of us, well except for the sick twisted
bastard who came up with the name, likes it. But we're going to have to
learn to live with it because for better or for worse it's our dog's new
name. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch. God help him."


(Footnote Girl: * - Fro'nakolshen is Dorfan for 'Stupid furry thing that
pees on the rug.' Oh, and I think Fluffy would be a keen name. Oh?
The name-picking contest is over? Never mind. *Sigh*.)

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"No. I refuse to make him a member of the LNH."

"But Ultimate Ninja..."

"I let you people keep the dog, but there is no way in hell he is ever
going to be a member of the LNH! The LNH has certain standards to uphold."

"Standards? When we did get those?" gulped a concerned wReamhack.

"Today," the Ultimate Ninja said without a hint of humor.

"UN, you're not giving him a chance!" pleaded Mainstream Man.

"A chance? Okay. I'll give him a chance. If he can survive one minute
with me in the Peril Room, he can become a member of the LNH."

"One Minute?! There's no way he could..." Adamant
Authority-on-Everything began to say.

"Look. This isn't a social club. The LNH faces hordes of supervillains
every day. Every single day might be an LNH member's last one. Anyone
who can't survive at least one minute with me doesn't deserve to be an
LNH'r. No ifs, ands, or buts. If Cauliflower wants to be an LNH'r then
tell him to meet me in the Peril Room. At noon. Today."

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<<~In the upper right hand corner sharpening his Ginsu Katana blade we
have The Unstoppable, The Unbeatable, and still Undefeated Champion of
the Peril Room: The Ultimate Ninja!!!!~>>

A bit of half-hearted applause and a few boos and hisses came from Peril
Room Monitoring Room.

<<~And in the lower left hand corner we have today's challenger -- The
Cutest, Most Adorable, Furry Little Fellow there ever was: Cauliflower
the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!!!!!~>>

A huge burst of applause and cheers shook the Monitoring Room.

<<~Are the fighters ready and in position? Okay then, Let's -- Get
Ready -- To -- wRummmble!!!!~>> shouted the announcer wReamhack.

"Oh this is horrible! I can't watch this!" Catalyst Lass said as she
covered her eyes with her hands.

<(I agree. Very barbaric. Still. I must know,)> Hooded Ho`'od Win
gazed intensely at the monitoring room screen.

"You shouldn't worry Cat," Dr. Stomper pointed out. "Because of the way
the Peril Room operates whatever horrible cruelties the Ultimate Ninja
inflicts on Cauliflower, it won't *really* happen except in the Peril
Room. That being said, I imagine there will still be quite a bit of psychological trauma."

"Boy, that little dog sure has a lot of guts!" Cliche Dude observed.

"Yeah. To bad in a few more seconds they'll be all over the Peril Room
walls," responded Bad Timing Boy.

"Run, Cauliflower! Run!" shouted Cliche Dude.

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"It won't work. That thing you're doing -- with your puppy dog eyes and
the tail wagging. It won't work. I've killed tons more cuter and more adorable things than you. I suggest right now that you pray to whatever
gods you worship for a painless merciful death. Because that death --
well -- it's coming," The Ultimate Ninja said to the cute little black
and white dog wagging his tail.

Now, how would he do this, The Ultimate Ninja thought to himself. Maybe
a little disemboweling to start things off? Then maybe he could
strangle Cauliflower with his own spinal cord. Hmm. What was that
smell? It was like eggnog. Hmm. Eggnog. That would be good right
now. A nice big glass of eggnog. Yeah. That would hit the spot.
Eggnog? Why the hell was he thinking about eggnog? Dammit! Stay
focused. Kill Cauliflower. Kill Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch. Hmm. Christmas. Maybe this year he should put up lights on the
LNHQ? It would sure look pretty all dressed up with lights. Flashing
and flashing. And with all the LNH's high tech equipment they would
surely win the big Net.ropolis Holiday Festival Light Spectacular this
year. Arrrgrrgggrrrrhhhhh!!!! What was happening to him?

Then the memories started to come. Memories of Christmases past. There
was that time when he was five years old and he was helping his father
decorate the ninja bush. And shortly afterwards being rushed to the
hospital because of the lacerations caused by the ninja bush. Or the
time when he was seven and had gotten his first Ginsu Kantana blade. Or
his first Christmas as a member of the LNH back in '92. Bad Timing Boy accidentally burning down the Christmas tree which in turn caused the
entire LNHQ to burn down also. Rebel Yell trying to explain to
reporters what had exactly happened. That was hilarious. Sigh. Those
were the days.

So that's your power, is it? The Power of Christmas? The Ultimate
Ninja started to lose balance. He could feel the Spirit of Christmas
crushing him to the floor. The strain was becoming unbearable. Every Christmas tune there had ever been started ringing through his head.
Sugar Plum Fairies rushing through his veins. God, he wanted to kill
that dog. But it didn't feel like a very Christmassy thing to do.

"Please! Stop it! For the love of God just stop it! I can't take
these Christmassy feelings. You can be a member of the LNH! I give in!
Just stop it!"

And suddenly the Ultimate Ninja felt normal again.

"Oh. And one more thing," the Ultimate Ninja said as he threw his blade
into Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch's skull. "Never. And I
mean never, make me feel like singing, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'.
Got it? Good. Welcome to the LNH."

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"I was wondering when you people would show up. As you can see, me and
Santa have been waiting a long time." The various LNH'rs who had
stormed into Y-Plex Burp's secret base noticed an unconscious Santa
Claus strapped to a Mega-thermonuclear warhead. Y-Plex Burp stood in
the middle surrounded by a bunch of hired thugs.

There was a *KLANG* as the Ultimate Ninja's katana blade hit something
in mid-air.

"Nice Shot, Ultimate Ninja," laughed Y-Plex Burp. "If it hadn't been
for my force field, you might have killed me. Then again maybe that
would have been a bad idea since if you had killed me that would have
triggered off my Mega-thermonuclear warhead causing all of Net.ropolis
to become a huge crater. And if any member of the LNH touches me, the
bomb, or Santa Clause then -- the same thing. Boom. Bye, bye,
Net.ropolis. Oh, and before I forget, hired thugs? KILL THEM!!!!"

With that the hired thugs took out their submachine guns and started
firing. About five seconds later, the LNH without a single scratch had disposed of everyone of Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs.

"Damn. One of these days I'm going to have to buy myself some better
trained thugs. Oh well. Doesn't matter. You see no matter what you do
the bomb's still going to go off. It's out of your control, LNH. Out
of your control."

"But -- if the bomb goes off," said Catalyst Lass in a very calm and
controlled manner, "Then you're going to die too. You don't want to die
-- Do you?"

"I don't want to die?" Y-Plex Burp said in a smug voice. "I beg to
differ, Catalyst Lass. Oh BTW I should perhaps mention that your mental
voodoo is totally ineffective on me as are the rest of the LNH's powers.
I've made myself resistant to each and everyone of them. I've been
planning this little escapade a bit too long to have any one member of
the LNH stop me. And now as to wanting to die, let me ask you, Catalyst
Lass; who is the greatest LNH Villain of all time?"

"Umm, Dr. Killfile?" Catalyst Lass guessed.

"No way -- it's got to be Tsar Chasm, well before he became Mouse's
boyfriend that is," said another hero. Mouse glared back.

"You guys are nuts! It's wReamicus Maximus!"

"Acton Lord, people! It's Acton Lord!"

"*ahem* Lagneto *ahem*," noted Deja Dude.

"Hey, what about the Time Crapper?"

"Ha ha. See? Even the Time Crapper! Even the Time Crapper gets
consideration over me! When people think of the greatest LNH villains
of all time, no one ever thinks about me -- Y-Plex Burp! I guess I
can't blame them. Every single scheme I've had has been a failure. My
whole life has been a huge pathetic failure. The only thing I ever
managed to accomplish was to drive Rebel Yell away from the LNH. And
that was only an accidental byproduct of another failed scheme. So do I
want to die? Yes. If your life was a pathetic waste like mine, I
imagine you'd want to die too."

"Well, boo hoo," responded a not to sympathetic Ultimate Ninja. "Tell
you what, Y-Plex. Turn off the forcefield and the bomb, and I'll
happily give you that death. And I'll even drag you to hell, no extra
charge. What do you say?"

"Heh! Thanks for the offer, UN. But, no -- I think I'll do this my
way. So here's my deal to save Net.ropolis and Santa Claus and for that
matter me: I want every single member of the LNH to commit suicide. If
you all do that I promise to turn off the bomb and free Santa Clause so everyone can have a wonderful Christmas. What do you say?"

"You're totally insane," said Sister State the Obvious.

"I know. Isn't it wonderful? But my deal still stands. So who's going
to die? The LNH? Or the LNH, Net.ropolis, and Santa Clause? Common
sense would dictate that it should just be the LNH. And maybe it's
about time. The LNH is kind of a tired old beast, isn't it? It's been
12 years and the writers and readers are starting to lose interest.
Maybe it's about time that the LNH had its Grand Finale. And what
better way to go than to save good dear old Net.ropolis one last time by committing mass suicide. That would be a great story, wouldn't it? I
think so. Oh well. It's up to you."

Silence filled the room.

And Y-Plex Burp smiled as he continued, "Well, guess now the question is
who will be the first to do the deed? You know who would be a good
first choice? Cannon Fodder. I mean, heck, he's an old pro at this --
aren't you? You can show your teammates how it's done. How to die.
You've got 30 seconds, Cannon Fodder. And if you're still alive after
those 30 seconds then a lot of people in Net.ropolis are going to be
very toasty. Let us begin. 30 mississippi 29 mississippi 28
mississippi..."

Cannon Fodder looked at the Ultimate Ninja. The ninja nodded his head.

Cannon Fodder pulled out a gun from his belt. And then he loaded a
bullet from his shirt. And then he placed the nuzzle of the gun to his
temple. He waited till the 30 seconds were almost over. And then he
closed his eyes tightly and whispered a prayer to himself. And then he
pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang. And then Cannon Fodder's
lifeless body hit the ground.

Catalyst Lass winced as she looked at the blood oozing out of Cannon
Fodder's head. "Oh, Jesus."

"Well that wasn't so hard, was it?" said a gloating Y-Plex Burp. "You
know what we'll try next? Let's try someone who won't come back to
life. How's that sound? Any volunteers?"

"Me," the Ultimate Ninja said in a grim expressionless tone. "I volunteer."

"Wow. You know, I was going to save you for last. But hey, since I'm
such a nice guy what the hell. But how are you going to die? You know
what I'd like to see? You know that thing where you pull the person's
heart right out of their chest? What's that called? Oh yeah, the
Heartthrob! What a funny name. And you've performed that on all kinds
of people, haven't you? But can you do it to yourself? That's what I'm wondering. Can you just take your hand and pull the heart right out of
your own chest? I guess we're all going to find out."

Catalyst Lass put her hand on the Ultimate Ninja's shoulder.

"Don't try to stop me, Cat."

"I'm not. I just wanted you to know that you were the best leader the
LNH ever had."

"I know," the Ultimate Ninja nodded in agreement. "I don't want my
death to be in vain. I want you to do whatever it takes to bring this
@#$%&$% down. Do you understand?"

"We will." Catalyst Lass rubbed one of her eyes. "We will."

The Ultimate Ninja walked over to an area of the room right in front of
Y-Plex Burp and then sat down in seppuku position. He tore open his
black shirt to reveal his bare muscle-bound chest. And then he took off
a black glove on his right hand. He took a few meditative breaths as he prepared to perform the Heartthrob on himself.

"Well, since you're ready, let your 30 seconds begin -- Now! 30
mississippi 29 mississippi... Oh man, this is great! In less than 30
seconds the Ultimate Ninja is going to die! And I'm the one that made
this happen. Y-Plex Burp -- not Dr. Killfile or wReamicus Maximus or
any of those other losers! Man, this going to be the best Christmas
ever. And you know what would be really great right now? A nice big
glass of eggnog! What the.. weird. Why am I thinking about eggnog?
Wait! How did that cute little dog get in here?"

The Ultimate Ninja paused his Heartthrob ritual. Had a miracle arrived?
A Christmas miracle?

"That dog," Y-Plex Burp said watching Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch get closer and closer to him. "He reminds me of someone I once
knew. He -- no. It can't be. Is that you? Is that really you? Oh my
god! Mr. Bojangles? Is that you? Mr. Bojangles? But you were taken
away by the Space Aliens? When I was ten years old. I remember it like yesterday. But you're back! You found me after all these years! How
did you get away from them? Come over here. Come on boy! What? Oh
that's right. The forcefield! Here, wait a sec."

Y-Plex Burp clicked a button on his belt that gave Cauliflower enough
time to jump into his arms before the forcefield returned. "My god.
This is amazing. After all these years we're back together! All these
years. I always wondered what might have happened if those Space Aliens
hadn't kidnapped you. What wonderful adventures we might have had.
Perhaps we could have both made the world a better place. Perhaps...
Wait one bloody sec! Mr. Bojangles didn't have blue eyes. Who the
hell.. *Urk*!"

Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch quickly jumped out of Y-Plex
Burp's arms as Y-Plex stumbled to the floor.

"What happened here?" Catalyst Lass asked as she got quickly over to
where Y-Plex Burp's unconscious body was.

"It's the Black Lotus Fingerlicking Maneuver," the Ultimate Ninja
responded as he joined Catalyst Lass. "If you lick a finger at the
right pressure point you can send a person into a coma for several
months. I figured if Cauliflower was going to go on missions, he should probably know some fighting techniques."

"The Bomb!" shouted Contraption Man. "It's starting to count down!
What are we going to do? None of us can touch it!"

The Ultimate Ninja assessed the situation. "Cauliflower can. He was
able to touch Y-Plex Burp without causing the bomb to blow up, which
means whatever records Y-Plex Burp had they didn't include any with Cauliflower. That means it should be safe for him to deactivate the
bomb. You just need to tell him what to do, Contraption Man."

"But I can't speak dog!"

Ultimate Ninja nodded and then clicked on his comm.thingee.
"Multi-Tasking Man? I want you to hook me up with Linguist Lass pronto!"

| | | | | | | | |
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--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"This is Betty Breasts reporting for the Net.ropolis.News.Network Live
at the Net.ropolis Secret Hideout District. We've just gotten word in
that the Santa Claus hostage crisis has just been taken care of. The
police are right now hauling in Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs and we've
gotten word that Y-Plex Burp has been sent to Lost Cause Boy Memorial
Hospital in critical condition. Reports are that Santa Claus is fine
and only a little bit shaken up. The Mega-thermonuclear warhead that
Santa was strapped to has been deactivated. The word is that one LNH'r
in particular is responsible for saving the day. He's a new LNH'r by
the name of Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch and if it hadn't
been for him, Net.ropolis might very well be a gigantic crater."

"It's got this reporter wondering if a new era in the LNH has begun.
And if so what will this new Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch era
bring? Back to you Pete."

| | | | | | | | |
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--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

NEXT: Is Cauliflower the traitor who will destroy the LNH that
Contraption Man foresaw? Or did someone already resolve that dangler?

Special thanks to Jesse Willey, Andrew Perron, Martin Phipps, Rob
Rogers, Saxon Brenton, Jaelle, and Tim Munn for giving possible names
for the dog and dialogue suggestions.

The Incredible Man-With-No-Life is Enrique Conty's

Ultimate Ninja, wReam Hacker, Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Cannon
Fodder, Sister State the Obvious, and Self-Righteous Preacher are wReam's

Y-Plex Burp is Robert A Goodfellow's

Vel is Jesse Willey's

Deja Dude is Martin Phipp's

Writer's Block Woman and Mouse are Jaelle's

Limp-Asparagus Lad, Fourth Wall Lass, Retcon Lad, Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid, Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story, and Footnote Girl are
Saxon Brenton's

Kid Enthusiastic is Andrew Perron's

No-Point Lad, Dismal-Hope Kid are Tim Munn's

California Kid is Dan'l Danehy-Oakes's

Marvel Zombie Lad is Ben Pierce's

Super Apathy Lad is Jacob Lesgold's

Irony Man is Doug Moran's

Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's

Parking Karma Kid is Steve Simmons's

Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Anne Riba's

Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H Harmon's

Mainstream Man is Mark A Nicol's

Kyoko Ishikawa is Ken Schmidt's

Innovative Offense Boy is uplink's

aLLiterative Lass is Charles Fitzgerald's

Old Comics Man is Douglass Barre's

Mojo Dog is Abhay Khosla's

Easily-Discovered Man Lite is Rob Roger's

Kid Anarky is Steph Savoie's

Sarcastic Lad is The Saint's

Sing-Along Lass and Contraption Man are The Drizzt's

Kiwis are Ian Porell's

I'm sure I probably forgot someone. None of these characters used with permission. Yeah I'm on the road to hell.

Author's Note: I was originally going to make this a one-shot special,
but it seemed to get longer and longer so I decided to make it a
mini-series. There are probably tons of grammar mistakes since I rushed
this out without editing it.

Arthur "Bark!" Spitzer

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