• LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #202: Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Eight

    From Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to All on Sun May 30 21:08:50 2021
    You can sift through the racc list archive https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
    or you can try google groups racc for the thirty eighth part of Beige
    Midnight.

    Here's the first half of Beige Midnight #12 'The Last LNH Story'
    by me (Arthur Spitzer). Will this be it for our dear Legion of Net.
    Heroes? Will this be just a huge slaughter fest as Dekay and Diskolor
    mow down our dear heroes? Will the LNH have any use for the 'Waiting
    for Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room' after this issue?


    Find out some of that in...


    _
    | | Classic
    | | =
    | | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
    | |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

    |____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
    ||
    |_| OF NET.HEROES

    ADVENTURES #202


    =====================
    Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Eight
    =====================





    Date: Tue Sep 25 20:58:51 PDT 2012


    [There is a Variant Cover for each LNH'r, Villain, Wildcard, and
    Innocent Bystander that has ever appeared in an LNH story for this
    issue. Be sure to buy them all! The Bottom Text reads: 'It all ends
    here!']



    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    The place -- The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room

    The time --


    B E I G E

    M I D N I G H T


    The number -- T W E L V E




    The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer and Various


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    September 26th, 2012 --

    The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12 To Get Posted Room --

    And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man refresh the rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time as the clock hit Midnight.
    And there it was.

    Beige Midnight #12.

    Multi-Tasking Man quickly clicked on the post. And he began to read.

    "What's it say?" said the Ultimate Ninja. Sarcastic Lad thought about
    praising the Ultimate Ninja's literacy skill levels.

    "Hmm. Okay." Multi-Tasking Man eyes skimmed their way to the
    beginning. "September 26th, 2012. The Waiting For Beige Midnight #12
    to get posted Room. And the Ultimate Ninja watched Multi-Tasking Man
    refresh the rec.arts.comics.creative screen one more time..."

    "No, no! Skip that part. Go to something we aren't currently in!"

    "Okay, okay!" And Multi-Tasking Man scanned his way to the next part.
    And he began to read...

    "Once upon a time..."


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    Once upon a time, there was a team of superheroes. A team that fought
    the greatest evils almost every day. A team that saved the weakest and
    the unluckiest every day. A team that fought for Truth, Justice, and Cheesecake -- everyday. A team that made the Net a safer and funner
    place. A team that never ever turned down a member that had an absurdly
    long name -- never (Except for LNH-Membership-Turned-Down-Because-He-Had-An-Incredibly-Long-Name Man
    who is still incredibly bitter about that -- let me tell you). A team
    that called itself the Legion of Net.Heroes.

    Once upon a time, there was a great battle. A final battle. The Final
    Battle. A battle between the LNH and two beings. Two beings that had
    the power to do almost anything they could imagine -- and what they
    imagined was Decay. And what they imagined was Discolor. And what they imagined was Death. The Death of All. The Death of Everything. And
    they seemed so powerful -- so unstoppable -- that nothing could possibly
    beat them. No one. Not even the LNH.


    And once upon a time, there was story...




    **** <<--BM-->> ****




    'The Last LNH Story'




    **** <<--BM-->> ****




    In a dingy studio apartment somewhere beyond the Fourth Wall --

    A shadowy figure sipped from a Beige Midnight mug he had acquired from someplace. And the shadowy figure looked at his watch.

    "Well, looks like it's time.

    "Time for the LNH -- to *Die*."

    And he began typing.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    April 29, 2008 --
    An Alternate Looniverse far, far away (But -- hey, let's call it
    Looniverse Beige) --
    5:00 am --

    The Ultimate Ninja stepped into the LNHHQ lobby and looked around. And
    then he looked up. He looked up at the Easily Discovered Van, which was hanging by a number of chains and cables from the ceiling right over the receptionist desk.

    "I can explain!" It was Fearless Leader who was holding a broom that he
    had been using to sweep all the liquor bottles, food, and togas. He
    could see Tara Shreds (formally known as Ripping Dancer) also helping
    with the clean up.

    The Ultimate Ninja kicked a beer bottle that was near him. "Let me
    guess. Toga Party. Right?"

    "Yes. I uh I didn't think it would get this bad. I really didn't."

    "You! Finally! About time you came back!" It was Self-Righteous
    Preacher walking towards them with his usual enraged face. And for some
    reason his head was completely shaven. And there was something else
    different, although the Ultimate Ninja wasn't quite sure what it was.
    The Preacher was carrying some big phonebook size stack of papers.
    "Here!" he said handing them to the Ninja. "That's everything! Every
    sordid depraved degenerated act that happened last night! Everything! Everything is there! I witnessed it all! Every act! Every godless
    wanton act!! It's there!!!"

    The Ultimate Ninja looked at the big stack of papers that the Preacher
    had handed him and then he looked back at the Preacher. "Oh, you don't
    have any eyebrows."

    "Don't you think I know that!! What are you going to do about this?!!"

    The Ultimate Ninja looked at the papers again and then using his ninja phonebook tearing abilities tore them in half. And then he dumped the
    papers on the ground. "I don't have time for this, Preacher."

    "Time?! Well then you better make time!! Because if you don't I'll..."
    said the Preacher yelling very, very close to the Ninja's face. Very,
    very close.

    The Ultimate Ninja gazed right into the Preacher's eyes. A very, very
    hard gaze. "Why don't you shout in my face one more time. Just one
    more time, Preacher."

    The Preacher, as if some common sense was starting to creep back into
    his brain, quietly backed away from the Ninja. And then walked away in
    a huff. Muttering about people going to Hell.

    Fearless Leader pushed the papers away from the Ninja's feet with his broom.

    The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "Forget that. Leave that to Captain Cleanup. We've got much bigger things to deal with today. Much bigger."

    "Right," said Fearless Leader putting the broom aside. "How was the
    trip? Find what you were looking for?"

    The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "No. Guess it was a myth after all.
    Nothing resembling a Four Color Ninja Bush. What's the latest with
    the Bryttles?"

    "They're awake. Not doing much though. Just sitting. Sitting on their thrones. Sitting and smiling. Of course we were told by that servant
    of theirs that they wouldn't start attacking the LNH till noon came.
    Kid Kirby and Captain Continuity are on recon."

    "Well, notify me if there is any change. I think I'll do a few sessions
    in the Peril Room if no one is using it. Should have time for that."

    "Right."

    And suddenly the intercom.thingee blasted, <<And that was 'The End' by
    The Doors! And as I, your Auto-asphyciatious Auto-DJ, rock you towards
    the ultimate death of the LNH -- let's groove to some R.E.M. 'It's the
    End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)...!>>

    The Ultimate Ninja looked at wReamhack.

    "I know, I know! I'm taking care of it! Taking care of it!" said
    wReamhack rushing to wrest control of the musical selections from the
    Auto-DJ.

    And in one of the corners of the lobby, Frat Boy finally woke up. "Did
    I win? Am I the Chugging Champ?"

    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The LNH Kitchen --


    Cheesecake Eater Lad grabbed a big sack of Graham Cracker Crumbs and
    placed it on the counter top. Part of him just wanted to crawl into bed
    and sleep the morning away. The trip to Ninja Island to find the
    Four-Color Ninja Bush had been totally futile and exhausting. He did
    get a little sleep on the way back, but not enough.

    But he had a duty to his fellow LNH'rs. LNH'rs who had gone
    Cheesecakeless the past few days left in the cuisine hands of Steak-And-Potatoes Man and Limp-Asparagus Lad. He couldn't let them
    down. If this were the last day -- at least they'd have a meal with cheesecake. At least they'd have that much.


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The LNH Cafeteria --

    Despite being filled with almost every member of the LNH that was still
    in Net.ropolis, a very silent atmosphere smothered the room. There was
    no laughter, gossip trading, or food being flung around. It was very quiet.

    Some of the heroes were still nursing hangovers from last nights Toga
    party. And some were completely sober. There was occasional chatter.
    And some nervous laughter. But not much. Most of the LNH'rs were
    thinking. Thinking about what was going to happen when Noon finally came.

    It hadn't felt real last night. Too much drinking, too much laughing,
    too much having fun. Too much not thinking. It was something that
    couldn't happen. Would never happen. But the night was over. And it
    was today.

    The heroes looked at their breakfast. Would this be the last breakfast (whatever this beige slop they were eating was) they'd ever have -- as
    they poked it with their forks. Some were sick of the waiting -- they
    just wanted the Bryttles to attack now -- and get it over with. Some
    wondered about God -- about the afterlife. Some wondered about whether
    they could still hop to the next Looniverse -- if that option was still available.

    And then there was a brief commotion. Cannon Fodder was choking on
    something. Toony Stork (not in his Irony Man suit) who had been sitting
    next to Catalyst Lass having breakfast quickly rushed over and gave
    Cannon Fodder the Heimlich Maneuver saving his life. Afterwards Cannon
    Fodder thanked him and then everything went back where it had been. The silence. The thinking.

    And some thought about Four-Color Kid's suggestion. The one about suicide.



    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The Ultimate Ninja looked down at all the dead corpses of his LNH
    teammates. And then at his bloody Ginsu Katana. And finally at his
    watch. 12 seconds. Not his best showing. "End Program."

    The corpses and blood vanished.

    The Ultimate Ninja looked at the emptiness of the Peril Room. Would
    that be the last time he ever killed the LNH?

    No. Better not to think that way. He made his way to the exit. The
    doors slid open.

    He could see Dr. Stomper walking towards him.

    "Ah, UN! Need to speak to you."

    "Doctor?"

    "I think I might have made some progress."

    "What type of progress?"

    "Well, I realized that I was thinking about this all wrong. I was too
    obsessed with finding a way to stop the Bryttles and not thinking about
    the bigger picture. When it gets down to it, we don't really stand a
    chance against the Bryttles -- they are way too formidable. The odds of beating them are very, very much against us. I could tell you the odds,
    but our chances are so absurdly minuscule it would be a pointless exercise."

    "I'm sorry, Doctor -- but how exactly does knowing that we stand
    absolutely no chance in beating the Bryttles help us in anyway?"

    "Ah, sorry. I was getting to that. Look, I have this idea that might
    give us a greater probability of success. It's a machine. But I'll
    need some help from my colleagues."

    "Who?"

    "From Kid Kirby, Particle Man, Captain Continuity, Pocket Man, and
    Fourth Wall Lass -- and possibly some others."

    "Hmm. Kirby and the Captain are currently doing surveillance, but if
    you need them..." The Ultimate Ninja clicked on his comm.thingee. "Multi-Tasking Man? Have Kirby and CC report to Stomper. And get some
    people to replace them. Competent People! Oh and have Particle Man,
    Pocket Man, and Fourth Wall Lass report to Stomper too." And then he
    looked at Dr. Stomper. "Anything else?"

    Dr. Stomper shook his head. "No, that should be fine for now."


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    The LNH TV Screen Room --

    Various screens showed both Bryttle Brothers and the Beige Clock Tower
    from different viewpoints. The Ultimate Ninja and Fearless Leader were
    gazing intently at the screens. Waiting for something to happen. Anything.

    Fearless Leader saw someone on the screen walking up to Dekay's throne.
    "It's Special Bonding Boy! Why is he there?"

    "It's all right," said the Ultimate Ninja. "I gave him permission."

    "You did what? It's almost noon. They'll kill him!"

    "You're underestimating him. He's battled some very powerful foes over
    the years. He helped us take down 50 full powered Dvorakians on our
    trip back from Qwerty [See Beige Midnight #7 -- Footnote Girl]. Besides
    we can always teleport him away if it looks like they might hurt him."

    "I don't like this."

    The Ultimate Ninja didn't answer. He just looked as Special Bonding Boy
    got closer and closer to the throne.




    **** <<--BM-->> ****


    "And you -- what do you want -- little thing?" It was voice of Dekay.
    And the voice made Special Bonding Boy feel nauseous. Then again maybe
    it was the smell of all of the corpses that made up Dekay's body that
    was making him sick. He felt like throwing up -- but fought the urge.
    Instead he looked up -- up at Dekay's face. A face made up of a cloud
    of insects, worms, and maggots. And the two red glowing eyes. "Do you
    wish to make a deal with us -- little thing -- so you might survive
    today? Is that what you desire?"

    Special Bonding Boy shook his head. "I don't want anything from you --
    except friendship. And I offer you my friendship in return."

    Dekay paused as if he was trying to understand what this mortal being
    had said. And then he laughed. A cruel laugh. "Why would we want your friendship -- little thing? What possible use could we have for such a pathetic piece of nothingness like that?"

    "Cuz we all need friends. Everyone of us! And the more friends we have
    the better we feel!"

    "We need no one -- little thing. The screams of horror as we lay waste
    to Universes is all that we really need. That is enough."

    "I don't believe that! I sense a very deep sadness in you. A sense of
    longing for something -- that you forgot a long time ago. Killing all
    of the Universes won't sate this longing. What happens when you've
    destroyed everything -- killed everyone? What will you have left?
    You'll have nothing. You need something more -- someone to love. To
    love you. A friend."

    Dekay looked down at Special Bonding Boy with amusement. "You do not understand us, little thing. Perhaps a long time ago you were right --
    that there was something more that we longed for beyond the decay and
    discolor of everything. But that was so long ago -- so long that it
    might as well have never been. No, the death of everything is all we
    need. All we really need. And on that day that we finally do destroy everything -- when all of reality is just a pile of dust -- on that day
    we can finally rest. Rest forever."

    And Special Bonding Boy turned his attention towards Diskolor. "And
    what about you, Diskolor? About my offer?"

    Dekay laughed. "He thinks exactly like I think. Although he is
    wondering, which one of us will kill you. Or perhaps we could take each
    of your arms and tear you like a wishbone. Hmm -- that does sound like
    a good idea. When it gets to noon we will do that. Oh look -- it is
    almost noon. I think -- yes -- I think maybe you should start running
    -= little thing. Yes. Run as fast as you can." The smile seemed to
    disappear from Dekay's insect cloud of a face. "Run."



    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    <<We've finished it. The machine is finished!>>

    The voice of Dr. Stomper was coming from the intercom.thingee. The
    Ultimate Ninja looked up and said, "Right. I'll be there in a few."
    And then he looked at the screen. He could see Special Bonding Boy
    start to run and both Dekay and Diskolor were rising off their seats. "Multi-Tasking Man! TP Special Bonding Boy! TP him to..."


    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    And shadowy fingers stopped their typing. And the Writer looked at the
    story on his computer screen. This was the part where the Bryttles
    killed Special Bonding Boy right before Multi-Tasking Man can teleport
    him to safety. Or maybe Special Bonding Boy doesn't die -- MTM
    teleports him to safety after the Bryttles tear off one of his arms.
    No, he needs to die -- for the story. Special Bonding Boy needs to die
    so that the Writer can bring the RACCtre into the story. The RACCtre
    will try and avenge Special Bonding Boy's death. He'll battle both of
    the Bryttle Brothers, but ultimately they will destroy him. And then
    the LNH will send all of the Kirbybots at the Bryttles. And the
    Bryttles will snap their fingers and change the wiring in the Kirbybots
    so that the Kirbybots answer only to the Bryttles and then send them to
    attack the LNH.

    And after that more death. And more death.

    Kid Kirby will battle Diskolor in the Sun. And no one will know the
    outcome until Sing-Along Lass feels the Power Kirby rushing through her
    veins -- and knows that Kid Kirby is no more. And Pocket Man will look
    at his dying wife -- Organic Lass -- and try desperately to find
    something -- anything in his pockets that can save her. But the only
    thing he can find is a broken Alteganian Joy Jewel as he watches her die.

    And more death and more death.

    And finally only Cannon Fodder is still alive as the day gets closer and
    closer to Midnight. And right before the Bryttles can kill him, he
    gives them a gift. A cheesecake made by Cheesecake Eater Lad. The last cheesecake he ever made. A Looniverse Destroying Cheesecake. And the Cheesecake destroys everything including Dekay and Diskolor.

    And that's how Beige Midnight Ends.

    And the Writer looked at his story. Just kill Special Bonding Boy and
    get it over with. Finish this damn thing. Kill the LNH.

    Why can't he just finish it? Be finally done with the LNH. He couldn't
    keep writing these stories forever. It was time to move on. Write
    something different. Write something less silly -- less frivolous.
    Something that he could actually sell.

    Kill Special Bonding Boy and move on with your life.

    The Writer looked at his computer screen again and put his fingers near
    the keyboard. But he couldn't seem to write anymore. He looked at the
    screen.

    Maybe a scene change?



    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    And a strange looking machine began to appear in a parking lot. An
    incredibly realistic looking parking lot. And members of the LNH
    stepped out of the Machine.

    "So, is this it? Did we make it?" said Ultimate Ninja stepping off the
    Machine and onto the parking lot.

    Fourth Wall Lass looked at the incredibly realistic rubber nipples on
    the Ultimate Ninja's costume and said, "Yeah. I think we made it."



    **** <<--BM-->> ****

    End of Part I


    ==========
    Next Week: Beige Midnight The Conclusion!
    ==========

    Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

    --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
    * Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)