• LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #201: Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Seven

    From Arthur Spitzer@21:1/5 to All on Sun May 23 23:00:14 2021
    You can sift through the racc list archive https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
    or you can try google groups racc for the thirty seventh part of Beige Midnight.

    Here's LNH Comics Presents #509 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'
    by me (Arthur Spitzer). And we jump from the year 2008 to the far flung
    future of 2012! Will Beige Midnight #12 actually come tomorrow or will
    you have to wait a week for it to actually come? And we will really be
    too sexy for our shirts, so sexy it hurts, on Looniverse Dave?


    Find out some of that in...


    _
    | | Classic
    | | =
    | | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
    | |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

    |____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
    ||
    |_| OF NET.HEROES

    ADVENTURES #201


    =====================
    Beige Midnight Part Thirty-Seven
    =====================



    ---------------------------------------------------------
    When the mad Dr. Killfile threatened to destroy the
    Internet -- THEY answered the call! Today, THEIR strange
    and mighty powers are our last, best line of defense
    against crime, disaster, and unspeakable horror! THEY are
    our knights in shining spandex... the LEGION OF NET.HEROES! ---------------------------------------------------------


    [Cover: There is a huge billboard near the top of the cover. On the
    bottom, several innocent bystanders run screaming away from the
    billboard trying to escape the cover. Various cars also try to escape
    the cover. The Billboard reads, 'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!']

    September 25th, 2012 --


    Traffic was bad. Building Suspense Lad zoomed his way past cars and
    trucks on his motorcycle. He had to get to the LNHHQ. He watched tons
    of innocent bystanders panicking in the streets. Various store windows
    were broken and people were looting stuff. Building Suspense Lad
    thought about stopping the looters, but no -- he had to get to the
    LNHHQ. He had to get there at all costs.

    As he zoomed by the stuck traffic -- people who were trying there best
    to leave Net.ropolis, he saw the thing that had triggered this mass
    panic. He saw the Billboard. The billboards that were everywhere in
    the city.

    Here it was. The Legion of Net.Headquarters. Building Suspense Lad
    zoomed his way across the front lawn and up the stairs. The Glass
    Doors! No time to wait for them to open. And Building Suspense Lad
    crashed threw the plate glass door and zoomed past Fred the Receptionist
    (who was reading a magazine).

    No Time! No Time! Got to get there! Got to get there!

    Get there Before it happens. Before it is too late!

    He had to get there because...

    Because...




    **** **** ****


    LEGION OF NET.HEROES COMICS PRESENTS #509:


    'Beige Midnight #12 Comes -- TOMORROW!!!'


    By Arthur Spitzer


    **** **** ****


    <<Beige Midnight #12 is coming tomorrow. Today and All day me and my
    panel of Super Experts will discuss what this means for you -- and how
    the LNH is to blame!>> MacLaughlin Man gazed into the TV camera with a
    super serious expression. <<Today! On the MacLaughlin Man News Network!>>

    The Ultimate Ninja watching from one of the many screens in the LNH TV
    screen room rolled his eyes. "This Bozo has his own TV Network? What
    is wrong with this world?"

    <<But first,>> continued MacLaughlin Man. <<I'd like to introduce our
    first guest -- you might not know him, but you definitely knew his
    father. His father was a great man, a great writer, philosopher, a man
    of hope, of dreams, who battled with the forces of evil every day to
    make this world a better place, and won a Nobel Peace Prize for his
    efforts. He appeared on this show numerous times and he was a very good
    friend of mine. Alas he passed away before his time. Murdered by that cowardly homicidal maniac who calls himself the Ultimate Ninja. But he
    had a son. And today I'd like to introduce his son. The son of
    wReamicus Maximus. I'd like you to give a big hand for -- wReamicus
    Maximus Jr.!!!>> The TV audience clapped wildly and hooted and hollered
    as a young 20 somethingish man stepped onto the stage.

    <<Thank you. Thank you,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. <<For that very
    kind introduction. My Father spoke very highly of you and I'm glad
    you've allowed me this forum to speak to the world.>>

    The Ultimate Ninja stared at the screen and studied the body language of
    this wReamicus Maximus Jr. "That's no son. That's him. That's
    wReamicus Maximus. It has to be."

    wReamhack did a fast search on the Net. "Well, there are records for a wReamicus Maximus Jr. existing. I've got a birth certificate here."

    "I don't care -- It's him."

    "Well, they could be fakes I suppose. You think it's a clone? Brain swap?"

    "I don't know. But it is him."

    <<So, what about this Beige Midnight #12 coming out -- I guess it's
    supposed to be posted at exactly Midnight. What is going to happen when
    it gets posted?>> asked MacLaughlin Man.

    <<I'm afraid it will be the end,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a
    grim look on his face.

    <<The end?>>

    <<Yes, the end of everything. After Midnight, two forces of destruction
    known as the Bryttle Brothers shall destroy all of creation. Nothing
    can or will stop them.>>

    <<I see. These Bryttle Brothers -- they're members of the LNH I take it?>>

    <<Possibly.>>

    <<And there is no hope?>>

    <<I didn't say that,>> said wReamicus Maximus Jr. with a smile on his
    face. <<No, there is hope. Hope for us all. For I bring good news
    today. And that news is that Dave doesn't want us to die a horrible,
    horrible ghastly very nasty, nasty death to the hands of the Bryttles.
    No, he doesn't. No, Dave wants to save us. Save each and everyone of
    us! Yes, tonight at exactly Midnight the Hand of Dave shall scoop up
    every single person who believes in Dave and transport them all to -- Looniverse Dave!!>>

    <<Looniverse Dave? What's that?>>

    <<It is a beautiful, magical place! A place of wonder! A place of
    rainbows! A place where everyone is absurdly rich -- and everyone has a
    really big mansion and really big yacht. A place where all food tastes
    great and is incredibly healthy! A place where we are all great looking
    and all too sexy for our shirts -- so sexy it hurts! A place where we
    have both great teeth and great hair! A place where we are all stars of
    our own series -- series, which are all written by Dave himself!! And
    we all live in perfect love and harmony with one another on Looniverse
    Dave!!>>

    <<That sounds like a wonderful place. And all you have to do to get
    there is believe in Dave?>>

    <<Well, it's not that simple. I mean anyone can say they believe in
    Dave -- but maybe they don't really mean it. No, to truly believe in
    Dave there needs to be sacrifice.>>

    <<Sacrifice?>>

    <<Yes, sacrifice. Specifically, a $58.50 donation to the Church of the
    Dvandom -- or you can send it to me -- wReamicus Maximus Jr.
    Whichever. And with that donation, you can be assured that you will be
    scooped up at Midnight and escape the upcoming onslaught tomorrow!>>

    "Unbelievable," said the Ultimate Ninja still watching the program.
    "Does he really think that there's anyone stupid enough to..."

    "Say, UN," said wReamhack checking his wallet. "Could I borrow 56 dollars?"

    The Ultimate Ninja just stared at wReamhack.

    "I mean it's not for that -- it's for something completely different.
    Yeah, different! I was just wondering..." The Ultimate Ninja continued
    to stare at wReamhack. "Okay, okay. I was just joking -- don't really
    need 56 bucks. Hah, hah -- joke -- just a joke," gulped wReamhack as he sheepishly put away his wallet.

    <<Wow. Only $58.50? That's quite a deal for the salvation of
    Looniverse Dave. Still," continued MacLaughlin Man. <<I have heard
    that the Church of Fourth Wall only charges $4 to become a member.>>

    <<Hah!>> snorted wReamicus Maximus Jr. <<Of course they only charge 4
    dollars. They're a cult -- not a legitimate religion like the Church of
    the Dvandom. Still, Dave sees nothing wrong with hedging your bets. So
    if you want to donate $58.50 to the Church of the Dvandom and another $4
    to *ahem* that cult, be my guest.>>

    <<But what about those poor souls who don't have $58.50? What will
    become of them?>>

    <<Ah, well not only can you donate for yourself -- you can also donate
    for others! In fact you can give the Church of Dvandom as much money as
    you want and save these poor unfortunate souls. I mean, heck, you could
    give your entire life savings if you wanted. I mean it's not like it
    will be worth anything when the Bryttle Brothers destroy the entire
    Looniverse -- so you might as well give it all to the Church of the
    Dvandom! In fact, let's bring out the orphans!>>

    A MacLaughlin Man intern brought out a group of kids dressed in rags.

    wReamicus Maximus Jr. gave the group a look of pity. And then he looked
    into the camera. <<Are you going to just let the Bryttles kill all of
    these poor tykes? Or are you going to save them -- and help send them
    to Looniverse Dave where they can finally have snazzy clothes -- as well
    as loving parents! It's up to you! Donate now! Save these kids!
    Let's put the number on the screen for people to call and donate money!
    And let's save these kids!>>

    "I can't watch anymore of this." The Ultimate Ninja clicked off the TV.
    "wReamhack, do what ever you can to make sure that all of the money
    goes back to the stupid morons who donated it."

    "But -- what if he's right?"

    The Ultimate Ninja stared again at wReamhack.

    "Just kidding! Just kidding! I'll do my best!" wReamhack averted his
    eyes from the Ninja's gaze and began hacking his way into the Church of
    Dvandom bank accounts.


    **** **** ****

    The LNH Big Meeting Room --

    "Okay, as we all know -- Beige Midnight #12 is going to be posted
    tomorrow," said the Ultimate Ninja looking at the various heroes in the
    room.

    "Yeah," said Bad Judgment Boy with a smug look. "Like that's going to
    happen. Man, I just bet my whole life's savings on that it doesn't get
    posted tomorrow! Man, I'm going to be so rich tomorrow it won't be funny!"

    "Anyway," said the Ultimate Ninja ignoring Bad Judgment Boy. "What I'm
    asking is -- does this really matter? Haven't we already dealt with this?"

    "Well, technically we don't know what happened in Beige Midnight #12.
    So, anything could possibly happen," said Dr. Stomper wiping his eye
    glasses with his shirt.

    "But it was set in 2008 and we're way past that!" said Ultimate Ninja.
    "It's 2012!"

    "Actually," said Occultism Kid. "That might not be true."

    "What do you mean by that?" The Ultimate Ninja looked straight at
    Occultism Kid.

    "Well, back in Beige Midnight when I was doing that spell with the Book
    of Deus ex Machinas -- the Book told me some things. And one of those
    things was that Beige Midnight might not all take place in 2008. Some
    of it could possibly be set in years after 2008. Maybe even this year."

    "Why didn't you tell us about this?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.

    "I was kind of hoping that the Book was lying. After the Clocktower and
    the Bryttles disappeared and the color returned to the Looniverse, I
    figured maybe that was it. I mean there's no way that the Bryttles
    could possibly slaughter all of those Looniverses. No way. It's just
    not possible. It can't happen."

    "Nothing is impossible," said Dr. Stomper. "The Bryttles did have
    access to unimaginable power."

    "So, it's possible that they could come tomorrow?" asked Ultimate Ninja.

    Dr. Stomper nodded. "It is within the realm of possibilities."

    "Then we need to start preparing for that possibility. Do we still have
    visual access to the Alternate Looniverse that's ahead of us in the
    Bryttle Buffer Zone [The Bryttle Buffer Zone is the countless Alternate Looniverses that exist between our Looniverse and the one that Occultism
    Kid stuck the Bryttles on -- Footnote Girl]?" The Ultimate Ninja looked
    at Multi-Tasking Man.

    Multi-Tasking Man shook his head. "The feed to that Alternate
    Looniverse died back in 2008 -- guess I could try to see if I can get it
    hooked up again."

    The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Do that. We need to start calling in the
    reserves and whatever non-LNH heroes there are. And possibly villains
    too. Meeting Over."


    **** **** ****

    Occultism Kid's room --

    Occultism Kid gazed into a crystal ball he had. He was watching some
    kid who was playing around on the internet. He looked at the kid and
    then the vision vanished. And the crystal ball was empty.

    If the Bryttles had managed to destroy all those Looniverses -- all of
    those LNH's -- nothing this LNH could do could possibly stop them.
    Nothing. This Looniverse was doomed. Except there was one thing -- one
    person -- one kid that could stop them. The Book of Deus ex Machinas
    had showed him this kid. This kid named Frank C. Kerry. All that was
    needed was a Freedom Chip. A Freedom Chip to be put in his brain. And
    that would give the kid powers. Powers that would finally destroy the
    Bryttle Brothers. Destroy them once and for all. The Book of Deus ex
    Machinas had showed him this. Of course the kid woudn't survive the use
    of powers. He'd be dead too.

    Occultism Kid had created the vast Bryttle Buffer Zone as an alternative
    to killing the kid. That was supposed to stop the Bryttles from
    destroying this Looniverse. But what if it hadn't worked? What if they
    were coming tomorrow?

    The image of the kid reappeared in crystal ball. And if the Bryttles
    came tomorrow -- he would have no choice. The kid would have to die.

    Occultism Kid looked away from the crystal ball.

    No choice.


    **** **** ****

    Fearless Leader's Room --

    Fearless Leader had stopped by his room for a few things. It was going
    to be another long night from the looks of it.

    Damn it. Beige Midnight.

    Why did they have to deal with this again?

    He had tried his best to erase that period away from his mind. To
    forget about it all. And now it was all coming back. All the damn
    memories.

    All of them.

    He looked at his desk drawer. And he opened it up. There was a photo.
    He looked at the photo. It was a photo of Ripping Dancer and himself fighting Vampire Cows [See LNH vII #24 for more vampire cow action --
    Footnote Girl].

    He looked at that photo for what seemed forever.

    Tara.

    His finger lightly brushed the photo.

    And then put the photo back in a very gentle manner. And he shut the
    desk drawer.

    No time to think about the past. Got work to do.

    Need to get ready for whatever happens.

    When Midnight comes.


    **** **** ****

    The Big Screen Room --

    The Ultimate Ninja looked at Big Screen on the wall. On the screen was
    a costumed supervillain -- wearing armor all over his body and a
    greenish cloak and outfit over the armor. Even though an iron mask
    covered the face of this villain, he could sense a smile.

    "Well, the Ultimate Ninja! What do I owe this pleasure?" said the man
    known to the world as -- Mr. Homage.

    "Homage," said the Ultimate Ninja with absolute contempt in his voice.
    "As you may have heard -- it is possible that the Bryttle Brothers will
    be coming tomorrow..."

    "Yes, I've heard the news reports. And I take you want my help?" There
    was glee in Mr. Homage's voice. "You want me to perhaps loan you some
    of my East Coast Brotherhood of Net.Villains members for this great
    battle? Well, sure -- I could do that -- well, for a cost of course..."

    "Of course. And that is?"

    "Well, let's see here. I'm not going to be greedy. Just a little
    thing. A very little thing. In fact -- this could be very favorable
    for the LNH. You know how expensive it is for the LNH to fight crime
    outside of the Loonited States. Very costly. Here's what I'm offering
    you -- you can have all of my members for this fight and here's all I
    ask. I want free reign for the Brotherhood outside of the Loonited
    States -- no interference by the LNH (or LNH affiliated teams like LNH
    Europe) for any Brotherhood activity outside the States. Of course if
    my members commit crimes in the States then -- please feel free to jail
    them. But free reign outside everywhere else."

    The Ultimate Ninja snorted. "That will happen -- in your dreams,
    Homage. But never while I'm in charge of the LNH. Try again."

    "Well, I thought we were going to be reasonable here. But if you're
    going to dismiss my best offer..."

    "Well, I guess that ends that. End Trans--"

    "Hmm. Wait -- you're not going tell me your offer?"

    "I don't see the point. Since we already made a deal with Lagneto -- we probably don't need your Brotherhood anyway. End..."

    "Wait! Lagneto? He made a deal with you?"

    "Yes. And it's a shame -- was planning on offering you a better deal --
    since I always preferred you to Lagneto. Oh well."

    "Wait!"

    "End Transmission." And the Big Screen went black.

    "We made a deal with Lagneto?" asked Cheesecake Eater Lad with a shocked
    look on his face.

    The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "Not yet. He's our next contact
    though. Bring him on screen."


    **** **** ****

    The LNH Med Lab --


    Building Suspense Lad opened his eyes. Where was he? He sat up and
    winced in pain.

    "Easy there Champ!" said Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner with a big needle in his
    hand. "You need to rest."

    "What happened?"

    "You slammed your motorcycle into one of the walls while riding like a
    maniac through the LNHHQ hallways. Genius move that. Anyway, you got
    various injuries -- none too serious -- and went into a slight coma --
    which it looks like you're out of."

    And then Building Suspense Lad remembered something. "Wait. What time
    is it?"

    "Hmm? Oh." Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner looked at his watch. "About five
    till Midnight -- give or take."

    "No! I'm too late." Building Suspense Lad hopped out of his bed. "Got
    to get there -- get there before -- before..."

    "You know -- you probably shouldn't be doing that," warned Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner. "But hey -- what do I know?"

    Ignoring him, Building Suspense Lad ran out into the hallway.

    Got to get there...


    **** **** ****


    Building Suspense Lad made his way to a door. And he tried to open it.
    Locked! Why did it have to be locked? He tried to open it again.
    Still locked! And then he began pounding on the door. "Someone!
    Anyone! Open this door!!"

    And the door opened. "Hey there, Building Suspense Lad!" said the LNH'r
    known as Leaping Nacho Hurter who was munching on some nachos. "What's
    up?" Standing next to him was the LNH'r known as Goggles Guy who was
    just kind of standing around.

    Building Suspense Lad looked at the room. It was filled with LNH'rs.
    And all the seats were filled. He was too late. Much too late! There
    were no more seats. He would have to stand. Damn, thought Building
    Suspense Lad to himself, I hate standing!

    And all of the heroes in the room were looking at Multi-Tasking Man who
    was repeatedly hitting the reload button to refresh both rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh (as well as doing various
    other tasks such as Nachocize, seeing how many LNH dice he could stack
    on each other before they collapsed (so far he was up to 58), printing
    out a copy of 'Cheesecake Midnight' (which now had the title '50 Shades
    of Cheesecake'), and playing Net.Trek).

    The Ultimate Ninja stood behind Multi-Tasking Man with his Ginsu Katana
    in one hand and a Ninja Bush in the other hand. And he gazed intently
    at the screen that showed all of the most recent posts for rec.arts.comics.creative and alt.comics.lnh. And he waited.

    And they all waited. They waited for it to come.

    They all held their breath waiting -- and waiting.

    And the clock near the ceiling got closer and closer to Midnight.

    They waited for the last issue as the seconds ticked away.

    The last issue of Beige Midnight.

    Beige Midnight #12.



    **** **** ****

    To be continued in --

    Beige Midnight #12
    'The Last LNH Story'

    Tomorrow!



    **** **** ****

    Thanks to Saxon and Andrew for their comments on the LNH Authors Group...

    Credits:

    Intro - Rob Rogers

    Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
    MacLaughlin Man - wReam
    Ultimate Ninja - wReam
    wReamicus Maximus Jr. - Arthur Spitzer (inspired by the wReam creation) wReamhack - wReam
    Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
    Dr. Stomper - T.M. Neeck
    Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
    Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
    Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
    Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
    Mr. Homage - Drizzt
    Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner - The Tick
    Leaping Nacho Hurter - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre
    Goggles Guy - Arthur Spitzer & Wil Alambre

    Writer's Notes:

    Did you think that just because Beige Midnight was supposed to end way
    back in 2008 that because there have been a number of stories set after
    2008 -- that the LNH was safe? That there was no possible way that
    Beige Midnight could possibly end the LNH once and for all? Did you?
    Did you!? Well, then guess again.

    Because tomorrow it comes! Beige Midnight #12!! The Last LNH Story!!!!!

    Or this all could just be a glorified hype post for an issue that
    doesn't actually end the LNH.

    As for whether wReamicus Maximus Jr. is actually the son of wReamicus
    Maximus or maybe is actually a younger version of wReamicus Maximus,
    I'll leave that to others to decide.

    wReamicus Maximus Jr is Free For Use so do what thou wilt.


    Arthur "Glorified..." Spitzer


    ==========
    Next Week: Beige Midnight Part XXXVIII!
    ==========

    Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

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