Steuard Jensen wrote:> Posted-By: auto-faq 3.3.1 (Perl 5.020)
Posting-Frequency: monthly
URL: http://tolkien.slimy.com/
TOLKIEN NEWSGROUPS FAQ
A. Information on the Tolkien Newsgroups
1. What newsgroups are we talking about again?
This one!
2. Why are there two groups?
My dad gave me one dollar bill,
cause I'm his smartest son.
So I traded it for two shiny quarters,
cause two is more than one!
3. Do I have to have a Ph.D. in Tolkienology to post?
No, but a master's degree is strongly encouraged, and those without any four-year accreditation will be sanctioned.
4. What questions and topics are appropriate?
ALL topics, with the exception of the spaghetti incident.
5. What does a tilde (~) in the subject mean?
It means you say "Beep-boop!" in a robot tone of voice when reading the
subject aloud.
Is it acceptable to post messages with sexual content?
Juffo-Wup fills my fibers and I grow turgid.
6. What common mistakes should I try to avoid?
Asking about common mistakes is a very common mistake.
7. What do all the abbreviations used on the groups mean?
A detailed listing is available in the FAQ posted regularly in rec.games.roguelike.nethack.
B. The Basics of Netiquette
1. What is the proper subject line for my post?
Anything including the phrase "I AM ELITE, GIVE ME WAREZ".
2. What should I do when replying to an earlier article?
Quote the WHOLE thing and put in as short a response as possible. Maybe somebody didn't see the original the first time!
For example, should I "top post" or "bottom post"?
Why not Zoidberg? WHY NOT BOTH?
3. When should I "cross-post" to multiple newsgroups?
Whenever the newsgroup is about crosses, or the post is about
newsgroups, or the postal service is delayed. In such cases, include as
many newsgroups as possible to spread the load out evenly.
4. I am able to post my messages with HTML formatting. Should I?
Yes! Especially if you can embed MIDI autoplay!
5. If someone insults me or otherwise makes me upset, should I
flame them back?
This is the whole entire point of Usenet. If you are even considering
this question, you need practice making your insults absolutely
unthinkingly reflexive. HURRY UP AND GET ON THAT!
6. Even if my reputation and honor are at stake?
There is NOTHING more important than your reputation and honor. Protect it.
7. Where can I go for more information on netiquette, and on
Usenet in general?
alt.syntax.tactical has always been an excellent source regarding the
syntax of tactical communications.
III. Debates and Discussion
A. Story External Questions
1. What is the best order in which to read the books?
I generally start with the New Jedi Order, then move on to the prequel novelizations.
2. What books about Middle-earth are considered "canonical"?
NONE! Haha, trick question! There are no cannons in Middle-Earth!
3. How does /The Silmarillion/ as published differ from what
Tolkien intended?
It isn't half as long and boring as it he wanted it to be.
4. Which are "The Two Towers"?
Minas Tirith and Minas Morgal.
Shut up! It's Minas Tirith and Minas Morgal! MINAS TIRITH AND MINAS
MORGAL!
They call it Minas Morgal because that's where the orcs went when they
were looking for more gals.
5. Which books /about/ Tolkien are good, and which aren't?
Haha, another trick question! Read them all yourself and find out,
rather than letting someone TELL you what to think!
6. Is Middle-earth Medieval?
YES! Except they don't have crossbows. But they don't need crossbows,
because they don't have vampires.
7. Was Tolkien racist? Were his works?
Tolkien was Adolf Hitler's favorite author. What do YOU think?
8. Are there electronic versions of Tolkien's books?
Yes, William Gibson made a critically praised electronica-style
conversion in his Neuromancer books, however many people feel the cybernetic/hacker background wasn't a good fit for the mythos.
Currently there is a lot of anticipation for the "Tom Swift IV and his Megablastic Ring of Nucleonic Supravisibility" series, which will
involve intergalactic warfare and Doc Smith-style exploding planetary
systems.
9. Where can I report copyright violations that I observe?
The Embassy of the People's Republic of China in Washington DC will be
happy to handle all such matters.
B. Story Internal Questions: Creatures and Characters
1. Did Balrogs have wings?
If they wanted to.
2. Could Balrogs fly?
Trick question, haha! They could fly ONLY if they materialized their
wings first!
3. What was Tom Bombadil?
A mistake.
4. Did Elves have pointed ears?
Yes, and elf girls have REALLY big boobies.
5. Did Elves have beards?
Only the evil ones.
6. What happened to Elves after they died?
They dreamed of big boobies.
7. Was Glorfindel of Rivendell the same as Glorfindel of Gondolin?
This was recently solved in J. R. Huxbroyder's famous work of
investigative fiction, "The Glorfindel Hoax", where he traces out the
origin of all the Glorfindels down through the ages and reveals that
they are all secret agents for an as-yet undetermined secret society
that is working hard to include complimentary aluminum hats with every
school lunch.
8. Who was Gil-galad's father?
This is one of those tricky math problems, isn't it?
9. Did Dwarf women have beards?
Yes. I saw it on TV.
10. Was there "telepathy" in Middle-earth?
That's how Galadriel made Boromir nervous - she telepathed him an image
of herself naked. He was a really polite man and didn't know how to
handle such whorish behavior. It disturbed him so much, he couldn't
think clearly for the next few days, with results that we all know.
That's right. Boromir died because of a WOMAN.
11. Did Sauron have a physical form during /The Lord of the
Rings/? *
Yes! HAHA, ANOTHER TRICK QUESTION! We CLEARLY see him in physical form smashing Isildur and his father in the flashback BUT THAT'S STILL PART
OF THE MOVIE! So the answer is yes.
12. What were the names of the Nazgul?
Jim, Joe, Bob, Tom, Mike, Bill, Fred, Engelbert Humperdinck, and Wilbur.
13. What was Gothmog (the lieutenant of Morgul)?
Fat.
I mean, really, really fat. You might think it's a long drive around
the Beltway at rush hour, but that's nothing compared to Gothmog.
14. What was the origin of Orcs?
They were elves that Sauron corrupted. I saw it on TV.
15. Were Orcs immortal, and what happened to them after death?
TRICK QUESTION! Orcs die ALL THE TIME, when ninjas, or Legolas, flip
out and kill them.
After death, they rot. Unless they get piled in a pile and burned.
16. What was the relationship between Orcs and Goblins?
The goblins build the meks and warmachines and Gargants and Big Stompas
and paint them all red. The Orcs stomp on the goblins.
17. What was the origin of Saruman's Uruk-hai?
Mud pits. I saw it on TV!
18. What was the origin of Trolls?
Usenet.
19. What were the giants (seen by Bilbo in /The Hobbit/)?
JC Penney's Big & Tall male clothing models.
C. Story Internal Questions: History and Happenings
1. Why didn't they just have an Eagle fly the Ring to Mt. Doom?
Because they could cast Teleport Without Error instead, duh! And then
they tossed it in and said "hasta la vista, baby!" and went to grab some
pizza.
2. Were the barrow blades magical? In what way?
They do cold damage. The amount depends on the level of the character
when they enter the barrow. For example if you enter Bleak Falls Barrow
at about level 12, you have a good chance of getting a Honed Ancient
Nord Sword that does 5 points of cold damage to health and stamina.
It's a pretty handy weapon - same attack value as the Skyforged Steel
sword, although it's heavier than skyforged.
3. Why didn't the Nazgul take the Ring at Weathertop?
That would have been stealing, and stealing is wrong.
4. Who killed the Witch-king, Merry or Eowyn?
TRICK QUESTION! Witches are WOMEN! Kings are MEN!
5. Did Frodo and the other mortals who passed over the Sea
eventually die?
Yes, when they fell into the water and drowned.
6. Did Sam follow Frodo into the West?
He tried, but it was a long way down the road to the tailor's.
7. What is known about the Blue Wizards?
They were a little-known jazz band in Arizona and New Mexico in the 1930s.
8. Who was aware that a Balrog lived in Moria?
The landlord. That guy was always difficult about paying rent on time.
9. Did Elves and Dwarves generally get along?
Never! Dwarves cut down trees, and elves are cannibals, and dwarves
make jokes about "elfy stink", and the sooner all the elfs get directed
into the flood traps the better.
10. Where was the Ring when Numenor was destroyed?
Sauron's girlfriend had it.
11. Who was the oldest inhabitant of Middle-earth?
Old McRiley, in that shack down by Tavish's farm, and let me tell you,
he's a crusty codger. Watch yourself if you go that way.
I did it! I answered all the questions! That I wanted to answer! Yay!
I win!
--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
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