XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

XXVI

JOEL: You mean 'XXV *me*'.

HOW GRUMPY HELPED

TOM: Did it involve grumping? I bet grumping paid a part.
JOEL: It was the Shake-n-Bake.

Grumpy Weasel wondered how Peter Mink was going to
get Mr. Snowy Owl out of Pleasant Valley.

CROW: How many minks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

He had never
dreamed that Peter could do it.

TOM: What do you suppose Grumpy's dreams are like?
JOEL: I bet he has the one where he's in school but he's wearing clothes.

But as he thought the matter
over he remembered that Peter was a good deal bigger than
himself.

CROW: He had to think to remember that?

"If I were Peter Mink's size

TOM: Wait, then whose size would Peter Mink have?

I would give Mr. Snowy
Owl the worst punishing he ever had!"

JOEL: If you're that much smaller now you can give him a pretty poor punishing.
CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Yeah, uh meanwhile, my leg caught in the trap? Can we work on that a little?'

Grumpy exclaimed under
his breath.

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Cause, you know, the blood loss ... '

"So maybe Peter can do as he claims, after all."

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Cause I'm kind of seeing dead relatives a little? Oh, there's Jimmy Rabbit's brother?'

"Very well!" Grumpy Weasel told Peter Mink. "This is
a bargain.

TOM: Now would you like to trade it for what's inside the box?

I'll help you out of the trap. And you'll rid
Pleasant Valley of Mr. Snowy Owl by April Fool's Day."

CROW: Thinking how rough Peter's going to have explaining 'March' to an owl.

"Agreed!" Peter Mink cried. "And now, how are you
going to set me free?"

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'll use my third and final wish!'

"I'm going to bite your leg off," Grumpy Weasel said
cheerfully.

CROW: Grumpy Weasel *is* Doctor Forrester talking to TV's Frank.

"Oh, no! You're not going to do that!" Peter Mink
howled.

TOM: Now let's be reasonable, what if he bites it right back on?

"I don't want you to do that!"

JOEL: Well, what if he just bites it half-off? Compromise?

"I made a bargain with you," Grumpy Weasel reminded
him, "and I intend to carry out my part of it."

CROW: The quality of mercy is not weasels ...

"Stop a moment," Peter Mink cried.

TOM: [ As Peter ] 'Is my leg really going to fit in you? I'm completely lost on the relative sizes of minks and weasels, sorry.'

For Grumpy Weasel,
with his back arched like a cat's,

JOEL: Oh, now he's going to pick a fight with a cat for copying his back-arching.

and his white whiskers
twitching, had already taken a step towards him.

TOM: [ As Darth Vader ] 'Peter ... *I* am your weasel.'

"If you bite
off my leg I'd never be able to get rid of Mr. Snowy Owl."

CROW: What if you bit off the trap? Maybe that would help?

That brought Grumpy Weasel up short.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Are you making fun of my size?'
TOM: [ As Peter ] 'What? That was Arthur Scott Bailey, go bite *his* leg off!'

CROW: Anyway he was making fun of your lack of size.

He thought
deeply for a moment; and then he exclaimed: "I have it!

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'We'll set you in a bath and see if you weigh as much as your weight in gold!'

You
must bite off your own leg!"

JOEL: Well then what does he need *you* for, Grumpy?

But Peter Mink proved a hard one to please.

TOM: He's awfully hung up on this 'body integrity' thing.

"You don't understand!" he said.

CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Let me explain! Snorgelty blother nad flopnagle!'
JOEL: And stoop!

"If I lose a leg I
know I never could get Mr. Snowy Owl out of the valley."

TOM: He'll be stuck doing all these circles.

At that Grumpy Weasel lost his temper completely.

JOEL: Now what'll he do without his temper?

With a cry of rage he sprang at his cousin, Peter Mink,

CROW: Found it!

prisoner though he was. And Grumpy would have buried his
white teeth in him except for just one thing.

TOM: Plaque.

As he leaped
forward Peter Mink leaped backward.

JOEL: Bonk!
CROW: [ As Peter ] '*My* backward!'

And in that moment Peter
freed himself.

TOM: Turns out legs just pop off!
CROW: Pop goes the mink-le?

He had been caught only by the merest tip of a
toe, anyhow.

CROW: Whaaat?
JOEL: Oh sure, *now* it turns out he was barely caught.

And now he crouched with his back against the
bank of the brook, facing Grumpy Weasel with mouth wide open.

TOM: Close your mouth, were you raised in a barn?
CROW: *Yes*.

His meekness had dropped off him like an old coat.

JOEL: And top hat.

And Grumpy
Weasel knew better than to get within his reach. In fact he
turned polite himself, all at once.

CROW: You know what this needs? Someone bringing up politics.

"There!" he said. "I got you out of the trap, as I
had planned to all the time.

TOM: He figured to keep talking until Arthur Scott Bailey was done with the whole 'mink trap' thing.

I knew that if I could make you
jump you'd pull your foot loose."

JOEL: Now kick off your Sunday shoes.

Well, Peter Mink hardly believed that. But he thought
there was no use of saying so.

TOM: No sense crying over spilt mink.

He was glad enough to escape Farmer Green's hired
man's trap without having a dispute over the way it happened.

CROW: Does suggest Peter Mink wasn't trying before.
JOEL: He saw a chance to engage with Grumpy and it didn't work out great, but you respect him for reaching out.

"I hope you'll keep your promise," Grumpy told Peter
Mink.

TOM: I don't know, does it take any special food or something?

"If Mr. Snowy Owl doesn't leave these parts by April
Fool's Day I won't like it very well.

CROW: What day is it now?
JOEL: April 3rd.
CROW: D'oh!

You know you agreed to
get him away from here by that time."

TOM: [ As Peter ] 'I know that! You don't have to bite my leg off!'
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Are we sure of that?'

"Oh! He'll be gone by then," said Peter Mink lightly.

JOEL: Hey, what's the bright idea?

"He always leaves at the end of the winter, because he spends
his summers in the Far North."

CROW: Canada?
TOM: North Carolina.
CROW: Poor guy.

When he heard that, Grumpy Weasel was angry as
anything.

TOM: I bet he wasn't angry as Mister Rogers, ever think of that?

"Then Mr. Owl is likely to be back here next fall,"
he said quickly.

JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'Not when I tell him about this valley where everyone isn't being weird at him!'

"I dare say," Peter Mink admitted carelessly.

TOM: Yeah? Well do you double-mink *dare* say?

Grumpy Weasel backed cautiously away before he said
another word.

CROW: Later he appreciated the lesson about the transience of suffering.

But when he had whisked into a great willow
that leaned over Broad Brook

JOEL: Brook's there desperately trying to get attention, get Grumpy to pull the gag off its mouth.

he told his cousin what he
thought about him.

TOM: But it's the same thing he thinks about everyone, so it wasn't any big surprise.

As for Peter Mink---he was nursing his injured paw
(in his mouth!)

CROW: Aw, I wanted to see Peter Mink in scrubs! He'd be great!

and he said never a word.

TOM: Here it comes, gang, the book's thesis statement.
JOEL: The one thing we're supposed to take away from it.
CROW: And what does the book want us to learn?

THE END

CROW: Eh, well, that's something.
TOM: Let's blow this popsicle stand.

[ ALL exit the theater. ]

[ ... My THE END too; thanks for reading! ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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