• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 25 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu May 11 23:43:52 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: XX versus *what*?


    TOM: Ah, the boundless potential of a young mink. Or an adult mink. I don't know Peter Mink's deal yet.

    It happened, on a bleak winter's day,

    JOEL: 'It'?
    CROW: [ As Arthur Scott Bailey ] 'Yes, it! Give me a little time to think what it was!'

    that Grumpy
    Weasel was strolling along the bank of Broad Brook

    TOM: Member, FDIC.

    when all

    JOEL: Yeah, I remember FDIC.
    TOM: What?

    at once he heard a squall. Instantly he whirled around.

    CROW: Snowy Owl is robbing the bank! Quick, call Duck Tracy!

    was something about the cry that sounded familiar.

    TOM: The cry came in without knocking and put their feet up on the coffee table and everything.

    And while
    he searched the stream up and down with his sharp eyes he
    grew angrier every moment.

    JOEL: But that's a story for _The Tale of Angry Weasel_.

    "Unless I'm mistaken that's my good-for-nothing
    cousin, Peter Mink," Grumpy muttered.

    TOM: So we have Fatty Raccoon, Grumpy Weasel ... what would make a Mink more pete?
    CROW: Pete, Peter, Petest.

    "I'll teach him not to
    squall at me---the rascal!"

    JOEL: Heck, *I* know how not to squall at you and I never even met you.

    He did not have to look long before he caught sight
    of his cousin.

    TOM: The glimpses have migrated for the season.

    Peter Mink was crouched under the overhanging

    CROW: Part of Snowy Owl's gang? This is bad.

    not far from the edge of the frozen surface of the

    CROW: Not as the me flies, anyway.

    And he squalled again when he saw that Grumpy had
    discovered him.

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Enough with the heavy rains and wind gusts!'

    "Stop that!" Grumpy Weasel bellowed.

    TOM: No, I'm sorry, the line is 'Cut it out'. You'll never be Sargent Cosgrove at this rate.

    He was not
    greatly afraid of Peter Mink,

    CROW: It was a pretty mediocre fear.

    though his cousin was much
    bigger than he.

    TOM: Wait, minks are bigger than weasels?
    JOEL: I guess?
    CROW: Would Arthur Scott Bailey lie to us?

    "I'll have you know that I don't allow people
    to bawl at me, even if we are distantly related."

    JOEL: Does he have to bring that up every time they talk?
    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] '*Yes*.'

    "I wasn't bawling at you," Peter Mink answered.

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Did you say bawling or bowling?'
    CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Bawling, why.'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Wasn't sure, but I know whatever you're doing isn't bowling.'

    he was strangely polite, for him.

    JOEL: How? Did he tip his hat?

    "I was calling for help.
    Can't you see that my foot is caught in a trap?"

    TOM: [ As Peter, with exaggerated kindness ] 'My good gentleweasel?'

    At that Grumpy jumped down upon the ice and took a
    good look at Peter Mink.

    CROW: Take a good look, leave a good look.

    He saw, then, that Peter spoke the

    JOEL: Aw, it's just caught in a financial trap.
    CROW: It's not the amount so much as it is the *interest*.

    "This trap hurts my foot, I can tell you," Peter Mink

    TOM: He's taking this with the same calm I would, only I don't have a foot.

    "Maybe it will teach you not to screech at people,"
    Grumpy told him.

    JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'Hey, I helped when you were trapped in that bottle!'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'No you did not!'
    JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'Well, I didn't mock you through it all.'

    "You're going to help me, aren't you?" Peter Mink
    asked his cousin anxiously.

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'I don't know, should I help a relative even if he cries for help when he's in deadly peril?'

    "That trap belongs to Farmer Green's hired man,"

    CROW: Why does Farmer Green need a Chevrolet sales manager who puts handkerchiefs on his head?

    Grumpy informed Peter Mink. "I saw him when he set it there.

    TOM: I don't know how this sells cars but hey, he gets results.

    Perhaps you would like to have me send word to him that
    you're using it."

    JOEL: _The Tale of Jerky Weasel_.

    "Oh! Don't do that!" Peter begged piteously.

    TOM: [ As Peter ] 'I didn't pay the deposit! He'll get me in fees!'

    "Well, then---suppose I get old dog Spot to come and
    see what he can do!

    CROW: He could smell bottles for you?

    He'd have you out of that trap in no

    JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'Oh, I'm sorry, I wanted to be out in good time.'

    But that suggestion didn't suit Peter Mink any

    TOM: How is a dog supposed to open a trap, anyway?

    "For goodness' sake, can't you think of something
    else?" he wailed.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'I was thinking of popcorn. I could go back to that.'

    His voice rose higher and higher as he spoke.

    JOEL: He better not be getting ready to kill Eddie Valiant's brother.

    Grumpy Weasel showed his sharp teeth as he warned Peter Mink
    again not to squall at him, for he wouldn't stand it.

    TOM: Boy, Peter just getting all tense about his imminent death and stuff.

    At last Peter saw that Grumpy did not intend to help
    him at all.

    CROW: He's stumbling over that line that separates 'grumpy' from 'kinda evil'.

    So it occurred to him that perhaps he could hire
    his cousin to free him from the trap.

    JOEL: Oh, if only animals had money! Now Peter has to hope they can barter something instead.

    "I'd do anything for
    you if you could help me out of this fix," he said finally.

    TOM: o/` But I won't do that. o/``

    "Will you drive Mr. Snowy Owl away from Pleasant
    Valley?" Grumpy cried.

    CROW: [ As Peter ] 'Before I get my learners permit?'

    "Certainly!" said Peter Mink with great promptness,
    as if that were the easiest matter in the world.

    CROW: [ As Peter ] 'What the heck, I'll learn to drive stick!'

    That answer surprised Grumpy Weasel.

    JOEL: He assumed Peter already knew how to drive stick.

    He had no idea
    that Peter Mink could do any such thing. And he said as much,

    TOM: [ As Peter ] 'Well, why'd you ask me if you didn't think I could do it? Is this some *game* to you?'

    "You understand," Peter explained, "it may take me
    some time to get rid of him.

    CROW: [ As Peter ] 'I have a well-considered 78-part plan to get rid of him.'

    It's mid-winter now.

    JOEL: An ancient prophecy says that by the third day after the mid-winter eclipse ...

    But I can
    promise you that I'll have him out of the valley by April
    Fool's Day!"

    TOM: [ As Peter ] 'And if I don't, think what a great joke that'll be!'

    [ End of Chapter 25 ]

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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