XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

XXIV

CROW: Ex- ex- ivy, so just ivy again?

FUR AND FEATHERS

JOEL: Not the worst Wheel of Fortune bonus puzzle.

To find Grumpy Weasel, Tommy Fox went straight back
to the place where he had left him.

TOM: Isn't your weasel always in the last place you look?

It was easy, then, to
follow his queer tracks.

JOEL: Grumpy likes all kinds of LGBTQ+ musicians.

Grumpy's legs were so short that
they did not lift his lean body clear of the deep snow,

CROW: Hence his adorable little snow ladder.

except when he jumped very high; so his trail looked somewhat
like that of a snake with legs.

TOM: [ As the trail ] 'I am!'

As soon as Tommy overtook him he asked Grumpy if he
had seen the stranger yet, who was dressed all in white and
black, like him.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yes, yes, I remember the last two chapters, do you?'
TOM: *I* appreciate the reminder at least.

"No, I haven't. But I'm on the lookout for him all
the time," said Grumpy.

CROW: Look out!
JOEL: [ Ducks down ]

"Where are you looking?" Tommy inquired.

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Where do I *look* like I'm looking? You doorknob.'

"Oh! Everywhere!" Grumpy replied.

CROW: By the tree, by the old wall, by the barn, in front of the New York Public Library, next to the Singing Fountain of Grand Haven, Michigan, the Stickney Crater on Phobos ...

"Behind the trees
and in the bushes and back of the stone wall!"

JOEL: You're getting nowhere near Grandmother's House to go!

"Have you seen any new tracks?" Tommy persisted.

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Have I *heard* any new tracks. Yes, this great Mellotron-based prog/ska thing.'

"Not one!" Grumpy admitted.

CROW: Well, which one did you not see?

And then he thought he
caught the flicker of a smile on Tommy Fox's narrow face.

JOEL: Tommy just figured out that 'briar patch' trick!

"If
there is no such person---if you've been deceiving me------"

TOM: Oh, wow, the rare double em dash, this is *serious*!
CROW: More of an em marathon.

he began angrily.

"I promise you that there is such a stranger in the
neighborhood!" Tommy cried.

JOEL: [ As Tommy ] Why, he's such a stranger he's practically a strangest!

"And if you don't meet him to-day
I'll be as disappointed as you."

TOM: He actually said 'today', that was just left over from all the em dashing.

"It seems to me," Grumpy Weasel snapped, "you're
altogether too anxious over this business.

CROW: Yeah, this is how our Tom acts when he thinks he's fooling someone too.
TOM: I do not!

Everybody knows
you're tricky.

JOEL: You and your rocking a rhyme that's right on time.

And I begin to think you're trying to get me
into trouble."

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'But how could I get into trouble committing to fighting someone I know nothing about? On with my hunt!'

It was wonderful, the way Tommy Fox could keep his
temper.

CROW: Well, his mother told him he couldn't have a temper unless he showed he could keep it.

No matter what people said to him he could still
smile if it would help him to have his way.

JOEL: What kind of monster smiles when he gets what he wants?

And now he kept
up a never-ending chatter,

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Huh? I do?'

without saying anything in
particular.

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Uh ... sorry, I didn't think I had to vamp here ... uh ... so, uh, how about that ... Fatty Raccoon .... uh ... eating?'

The snow was deep enough to have covered such hiding
places as Grumpy Weasel liked.

CROW: The snow asking questions like 'is the color grey a dog sees the same color grey that another dog sees?'.

The stone wall, indeed,
offered about the only crannies;

JOEL: Oh, I love crannies, spread with a little butter on an English muffin ...

and that was some distance
away. Tommy Fox had noticed that.

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Yes, I often observe how things exist at separate points in space. Now ask me what I've noticed about time!'

And that was why he was
trying to keep Grumpy Weasel where he was. For Tommy expected
Mr. Snowy Owl at any moment.

CROW: Boy, the one day the 9:23 owl is late, huh?
JOEL: Does he think of him as 'Mister Snowy Owl' in his head?

"You are talking foolishness," Grumpy told Tommy Fox
at last.

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Oh yeah? Well I have an army of invisible green proleptic datings that says otherwise!'

"I don't care to waste my time listening to you."
And he turned away.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Stern letter to follow.'

"One moment, please!" Tommy begged,

JOEL: [ As Tommy ] 'I can mime! Can I waste your time with that?'

for the sly
rascal had just caught a glimpse of Mr. Snowy Owl hovering
above the trees.

TOM: Boy, glimpses better breed like tribbles the way everybody's catching them.

"What do you want now?" Grumpy Weasel scolded,

CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Uh ... could I get fries with that?'

as he
paused close by the old hemlock where Solomon Owl sometimes
sat and abused him.

JOEL: Pleasant Valley's changed, I remember when nobody locked their hems.

"I want to see the fur fly," Tommy Fox answered
wickedly.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] So just look at the animal mascots on Frontier Airlines, ya weirdo.

For a moment Grumpy Weasel couldn't think what he
meant.

JOEL: What is --- 'fur'?

But suddenly he saw a large whitish shape dropping
upon him out of the sky.

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'TRAPEZOIDS! RUNNNNN!'

He knew then, in a flash, that Tommy
Fox had deceived him.

CROW: The iocane power!

A moment more and it was all over.

TOM: Turns out Grumpy and Snowy Owl were old friends from the Unpleasant Club back at college.

At least, it
seemed so to Tommy Fox.

JOEL: And if it seems so to Tommy Fox you know it must be so.

Whatever had happened had taken place
so quickly that he couldn't see it clearly.

CROW: Well, call a video replay, that's what it's *for*! Some umpire.

But there was Mr.
Snowy Owl, sitting on a limb of the hemlock,

TOM: [ As the hemlock ] 'Hey! Get off my limb!'

where he had
perched after staying half a second's time on the ground.

CROW: How much time belongs to a half a second?
JOEL: Oh, a minute or two.

And Grumpy Weasel was no longer to be seen, anywhere.

TOM: Did ... did he explode? Finally?

"Did---did you swallow him?" Tommy Fox stammered.

CROW: Other Tommy has the better joke, we should keep him.
TOM: He does not!

Mr. Snowy Owl looked puzzled.

JOEL: [ As Snowy ] 'Maybe I could keep both Tommys?'

"I don't know," he replied.

CROW: How can you not know?

"Perhaps I did!

CROW: Under what circumstances could someone not definitely answer, 'Did I just eat a weasel'?

If I
didn't I don't know where he is."

JOEL: Well, let's think. Are you suddenly twice your own weight?
CROW: How incompetent a bird of prey *are* you?
TOM: [ As Snowy ] 'Look, a great many things *might* fit in my mouth, I can't keep track of everything that actually *does*.'

Tommy Fox couldn't help looking disappointed.

TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Why even *cause* the death of others if I don't get to see their shattered bodies crying their final wails of despair?'

"I'm
sorry about one thing," he said. "It was all done so quickly
I didn't see the fur fly!"

CROW: [ As Snowy Owl, sympathetic ] 'I could eat you, if you'd like.'
JOEL: [ As Tommy, sad ] 'No, no, you're too kind, but it wouldn't be the same, you know?'
CROW: [ As Snowy Owl ] 'Yeah.'

Then there was a faint sound above them.

CROW: The glimpses have returned from Capistrano!

And looking
up, Tommy and Mr. Owl saw Grumpy Weasel's head sticking out
of a small hole high up in the tree-trunk.

TOM: Hey! He found a hole all the way to his stone wall!

As they watched him Grumpy Weasel seemed to be saying
something to them. They couldn't hear what it was.

JOEL: 'What? You have to talk louder, we don't speak 'Lunch'!'

But no
doubt it was nothing pleasant.

TOM: [ As Snowy ] 'Hey, settle a bet? Did I eat you just now?'


[ End of Chapter 24 ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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