• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 23 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Apr 27 23:28:58 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: The Pope John story.


    TOM: Starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall!

    Tommy Fox had carefully kept from Grumpy Weasel the
    name of the stranger who was dressed like Grumpy,

    JOEL: Grumpy's long-lost father, Poopdeck Weasel.

    in white
    and black. It happened that he wore feathers---this newcomer.

    CROW: I hope he numbers them for just this sort of occasion.

    And that was one reason why Tommy Fox had had to grin when
    Grumpy threatened to "make the fur fly" when he met the

    JOEL: [ As Tommy ] 'It's good wordplay because there's two ways you can read it as literally absurd!'

    Another reason why Tommy had laughed at Grumpy's
    blustering was that the stranger was quite able to take care
    of himself in a fight.

    TOM: *Also* his loved ones, don't you worry.

    He belonged to the Snowy Owl family,

    JOEL: I thought it was the Superb Owl everyone talks about online in February?

    being bigger, even, than Solomon Owl.

    CROW: *Bigger* than Solomon Owl? That's getting, like, Beatles levels of big.

    And what with his
    hooked beak and his strong talons he was a dangerous fellow
    to meet.

    TOM: Worse, he's got *opinions* and he's going to *share* them.

    Although Grumpy Weasel could easily handle a rabbit
    or a wild duck a dozen times his own size,

    JOEL: What about a hundred wild ducks the size of a rabbit?

    because they were
    unarmed, he would have had no chance at all with Mr. Snowy

    CROW: Well *he's* unarmed too! Those are *wings*.

    All this made Tommy Fox chuckle and grin,

    TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'I'm getting someone killed today! Win!'

    as he left
    Grumpy and loped off towards Cedar Swamp,

    CROW: Just think, someday they're gonna build a Point here.

    where Mr. Snowy Owl
    was spending the winter. Unlike Solomon Owl, and his cousin
    Simon Screecher,

    JOEL: Simon's Creature?
    TOM: No, no, Simon Screecher.
    JOEL: That's what I said, Simon's Creature.
    TOM: Oh, you ....

    Mr. Snowy Owl did not turn night into day.

    CROW: So what good is he, then?

    So Tommy Fox found him wide awake and ready for a fight or a
    frolic, whichever might come his way.

    CROW: Ooh, take the frolic! Take the frolic!
    TOM: The fight! Take the fight!
    JOEL: Door number two!

    He was a handsome bird---this newcomer---

    JOEL: [ As Snowy ] 'I know. The camera loves me.'

    in his showy
    white suit, spotted with black.

    TOM: Oh, what with the paparazzi think?

    And he gave Tommy Fox a bold,
    hard look, acting for all the world as if he had spent his
    whole life in Pleasant Valley, instead of merely two short

    CROW: What makes a short week?
    JOEL: It's when they have a holiday in the middle.

    Now, Mr. Snowy Owl knew a good deal about such
    rascals as Tommy Fox.

    JOEL: For example, Peter Mink or Jimmy Rabbit's 'brother'.

    So he said at once, "What's on your
    mind, young man? You've come here on mischief

    JOEL: I think he means 'you've come here on *a* mischief'.

    and you needn't
    deny it."

    CROW: [ Leaning over ] Yeah, _Tom_!
    TOM: Hey!

    Well, Tommy Fox saw that he couldn't deceive Mr. Owl
    very much.

    CROW: Or Mister Crow, thank you.

    So he grinned at him and told him about the talk
    he had just had with Grumpy Weasel.

    JOEL: Shouldn't someone instead have a talk with the Beaver?

    "He's so eager to meet you it would be too bad to
    disappoint him," Tommy observed.

    CROW: [ As Snowy ] 'Ah, but if we are destined to meet, we will, and we can't hurry it; if we're destined not to meet, we will not, and there's no sense trying.'

    "He wants the fur to fly,
    you know."

    Although he had no ears

    TOM: o/` To hold him down ... o/`

    (at least, so far as could be

    CROW: OOOOh, I bet his secret ears are going to be a huge plot point, watch for it!
    JOEL: Spoilers, Crow.
    CROW: The story is not a spoiler for itself!

    Mr. Snowy Owl had listened closely to Tommy Fox's

    TOM: [ As Snowy ] 'Kind of spoiling the story by telling it, aren't you?'
    CROW: No!

    And he must have heard plainly enough, for he said
    quickly that he would call on Grumpy Weasel that very day.

    JOEL: You can't call on a weasel! You need a *phone*!

    "I'll start right now," he said,

    CROW: [ Schoolmarm-ish ] It's not how you *start*, it's how you *finish*.

    "and I'll reach Grumpy
    Weasel's hunting ground before you're out of the swamp."

    TOM: Oh, and Grumpy's going to be in swamp right when Snowy's in the hunting grounds, this is going to be so *good8!

    "I wish you'd wait a bit, till I can get there
    myself," Tommy Fox told him.

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'I'd get there faster but my arms don't work!'
    TOM: [ Whining to a parent ] Joel!

    Mr. Snowy Owl agreed to that.

    JOEL: [ As Snowy ] 'But someday I will call on you for a favor.'

    And after lingering
    until he thought Tommy must have had time to run

    TOM: Time to hide. Break on through. To the other side.

    and find
    Grumpy Weasel he rose above the tops of the cedars

    CROW: [ As Snowy ] 'Wh- whoa! Wait! Didn't mean to do that!'

    and sailed
    off to join them himself.

    JOEL: [ As Snowy ] 'Wait! How does this thing woooorrrrrk?'

    "I'm glad I came here to spend the winter," he

    TOM: [ As Snowy ] 'It's so affordable! I bet I get one or two weeks of March back in change!'

    "Everybody's been very pleasant so far.

    JOEL: Well, you know why they call it Pleasant Valley, right?
    CROW: [ As Snowy ] 'Why's that?'
    JOEL: 'Cause it's a valley!

    And after
    people hear how I've settled with this Weasel person

    CROW: It's 1915, so will it be fisticuffsmanship?

    folks in Pleasant Valley will be pretty polite to me, or I'll
    know the reason why."

    TOM: Oh, Snowy is a metaphysical philosopher, interesting specialization.

    [ End of Chapter 23 ... ]

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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