• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 22 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to That's the that you on Thu Apr 20 23:17:28 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    TOM: Eggs and eyes?!


    CROW: He warns he's going to break into song.
    JOEL: o/` I'm mean ... you know what I mean ... o/`

    Meeting Grumpy Weasel in the woods one day, Tommy Fox

    TOM: Tommy Fox? The Dodgers pitcher?

    stopped to have a chat with him.

    JOEL: Oh, it's so nice to bring a chat, split it with friends, dip it in tea ...

    He always liked to chat with
    Grumpy, it was so easy to get him angry, and such fun to see
    him fly into a passion.

    TOM: Hey, that's mean!
    CROW: That's like two-thirds of you and me hanging out, Tom.

    "You're looking very elegant in your winter suit,"
    Tommy Fox remarked. "White is becoming to you

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yes, white be coming to me every winter and be leaving every summer.'

    ---there's no
    doubt of that. And that black tip on the end of your tail is
    just what's needed to complete your costume.

    TOM: Without it your tail would be infinitely long.

    It matches your
    eyes nicely.... You must have a good tailor."

    CROW: Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?

    People were apt to be wary of Tommy Fox when fine
    words dripped from his mouth like that.

    JOEL: [ As Tommy ] 'Dripped? I enunciate clearly, my good narrator!'

    It usually meant that
    he was bent on some mischief.

    TOM: Never ignore the predator's drive to just mess with folks.

    And now Grumpy Weasel looked at
    him suspiciously.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well, we've known each other our entire lives but I'm only going to act on what you say and do right this minute.'

    "If you admire my clothes so much why don't you get
    some like them?" he demanded.

    JOEL: Jeez, learn to take a compliment, Grumpy.

    Tommy Fox shook his head mournfully.

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'No, no, we foxes must be Naked Boot People if we're to remain true to the model of Sonic's sidekick Tails.'

    "I'd like to," he said, "but I'm too humble a person
    to dress like a king, in ermine.

    TOM: By the Dead Milkmen.

    . My family have always worn

    CROW: Foxes stand for the liberation of the world from class warfare.

    The neighbors wouldn't know me in anything else.

    JOEL: What about your Robin Hood costume?

    Or if
    they did they'd say I was putting on airs."

    TOM: And if I want to put on airs I'm going to dress all in balloons.

    "If you want to know what I think, I'll tell you that
    red's entirely too good for you," Grumpy Weasel sneered.

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'What do you think of orange for me?'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Too loud.'
    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'How about green?'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Too immature.'
    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Fuchsia?'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Nothing but vaporwave purple!'
    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Chartreuse?'
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'That ought to be what we call heliotrope!'

    Tommy Fox smiled somewhat sourly. Grumpy Weasel's
    remark did not please him.

    TOM: Hey, *you* started it.

    But he managed to say nothing

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'I disagree!'

    "I suppose," he went on, "you've met the newcomer in
    our valley who dresses as you do, in white and black?"

    CROW: Johnny Cash and his evil twin?
    JOEL: Boss Hogg and his good twin?
    TOM: Pepe le Pew?

    "What's that you say?" Grumpy Weasel barked.

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'That'?
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yes, that that! That's the that you said!'

    gone and copied my cold-weather clothes?

    CROW: Grumpy believes in fashion copyrights!

    If I meet him I'll
    make it hot for him."

    JOEL: Grumpy's going to be so embarrassed when it's Mildred Weasel.
    TOM: Funny thing is on a date he's a perfect charmer.

    "Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned the matter,"
    Tommy Fox said softly. "I don't like to displease you.

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Well! Say, did you ever think of re-racing Jimmy Rabbit?'

    And I
    don't want to get a stranger into trouble either,

    JOEL: But that's the best kind of Western, where a stranger's in trouble.

    just as he
    has come to spend the winter amongst us.

    TOM: Black-and-white visitor for the winter ... are they getting polar bears? Or penguins?

    "And besides," Tommy added, "it would be a shame for
    you to quarrel with the stranger because he happens to choose
    your favorite colors.

    CROW: Quarrel over something meaningful instead, like a Star Wars movie.

    That only goes to show that your tastes
    are alike."

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well, I do like tasting people.'

    "That's exactly what I object to!" Grumpy Weasel
    complained, getting much excited.

    TOM: [ As Chico Marx ] 'I abject!'

    "If his tastes are the same
    as mine he'll want to come and hunt along my stone wall.

    CROW: Hey, you only use that stone wall to check for holes going halfway through!

    there'll be trouble if he does that! The fur will fly!"

    JOEL: Turns out the visitor is a hot-air-balloon and ...

    Tommy Fox turned his head away,

    TOM: Sorry, no room on the shoulders, already got Snuffy Smith filling up the spot.

    for he simply had to
    enjoy a grin and he didn't want Grumpy Weasel to see it.

    CROW: Y'know the law says your boss has to give you one break to grin for every four hours you work.

    "I'm sorry I spoke about the stranger," he said

    TOM: I just assumed you had read Camus.

    as soon as he could keep his face straight.

    JOEL: Oh, he's corpsing, they're going to have to do the whole scene over.

    "But I
    thought the news would please you."

    CROW: [ As Tommy ] 'Ah well, off to mess with Albert Alligator's head.'

    "It would certainly please me to meet him," Grumpy
    Weasel declared fiercely.

    JOEL: Careful, this is how Miles Archer got it.

    "And it would please me much more
    than it would him, I can tell you."

    TOM: [ As Tommy ] 'Imagine that!'

    "It wouldn't be treating a newcomer well to let him
    wander through the woods when you feel as you do about him.

    CROW: If the stranger's a birch tree he's just being part of the woods.

    ought to warn him to leave Pleasant Valley before it's too
    late," Tommy said.

    TOM: Maybe he can stay if he covers himself in polka dots?

    "It would be treating him better to give him a good
    lesson before he goes," Grumpy Weasel said.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Do you still have that talk you gave about the historical Sparta?'

    "You needn't say
    a word to him about my wanting to meet him.

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'll tell him I want to meet him when I meet him! So there!'

    Let the fur fly
    first! And then he'll flee.

    TOM: Easier said than done.
    CROW: No, no it is not.

    "That's my way of getting rid of strangers!"

    JOEL: Grumpy is a firm opponent of gentrifying Pleasant Valley.

    [ ... to be continued ... ]
    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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