XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

XX

JOEL: Someone punched out the story, it's got X's in its eyes.

A FREE RIDE

TOM: When you've already paid.

Inside the jug,

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Get my mouthpiece on the horn!'

where he had hidden to escape Henry
Hawk, Grumpy Weasel yawned widely and licked his chops.

TOM: Oh, at least he has something to snack on while he waits, that's nice.

He
was having a dull time,

JOEL: He should jus skip to the next scene then.

waiting until he was sure that Henry
Hawk had given up the chase and gone away.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] Are you still out there?
JOEL: [ As Henry ] No! I mean! ... Oh, you *are* a wily one.

In a little while Grumpy believed he could venture
out in safety.

TOM: A little Squirrel Scout came out to ask if she could walk him across the road.

But suddenly, to his great disgust, a wagon
came clattering in from the road

CROW: Aw, great. Tourists.

and pulled up right beside
the pile of empty barrels near him.

JOEL: Oh, he would get stuck the day the cooper-monger came to review the wares.

It was Farmer Brown, driving his old horse Ebenezer.

TOM: Who'd just been visited by the Ghosts of Preaknesses Past, Present, and Yet To Come.

And of course Grumpy Weasel didn't care to show himself just
then,

JOEL: Weasels are known to be weak to horse types.

especially with old dog Spot nosing around.

CROW: Hey, we can ask Spot about that capture Fatty Raccoon was talking about!

He had
already heard Spot give several sharp yelps.

TOM: Spot is reviewing things left and right! He can't be stopped!

"That old dog knows I'm here somewhere

CROW: I mean, you're always *somewhere*.
TOM: Not if you don't have object permanence!

but he can't
tell exactly where," Grumpy said to himself.

JOEL: Aw, go ahead and tell him, he won't gossip.

"He can yelp his
head off, for all I care."

TOM: Not in the Snuffy Smith way! That way's odd.

And then Spot began to whine, and run in and out
among the barrels,

JOEL: Hey, those aren't barrels of wine.

until he all but tripped Farmer Green, who
was loading the barrels into the wagon.

TOM: Sneaking more Marx Brothers into the story!

"Let him whine!" said Grumpy Weasel softly.

JOEL: Oh please don't, it makes the neighbors tense.

"His
yelping and whining don't scare me. He can't get inside this
jug of mine.

TOM: This little jug of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

And I certainly shan't leave it so long as he
stays here."

CROW: Once he leaves, though, maybe I shan.

Meanwhile he could hear Farmer Green talking to old
Spot, telling him not to be silly.

JOEL: [ As Spot ] 'But ... I got my clown makeup out and *everything*!

"From the way you're acting anybody might think there
was a bear around here," he told Spot.

TOM: [ As a Bear ] 'I am! ... ... uh ... rawr?'

Old dog Spot explained to Farmer Green in no
uncertain fashion that it was no bear---but a weasel

CROW: Or as the Germans call them, 'a sneaky pounce bear'.

---that
he was looking for. His nose told him that.

JOEL: Tattletale!
TOM: Tattle*nose*.

And there was no
mistake about it. But somehow Farmer Green couldn't
understand a word he said.

CROW: Try telling him in Law French!
JOEL: Why?
CROW: I just like there's such a thing as 'Law French'.

So after putting the last barrel
on the load Farmer Green climbed up himself and started to
drive off.

TOM: Donkey Kong: The Prequel Menace.

But old dog Spot wouldn't budge an inch.

CROW: Inches are the most stubborn creatures on the farmyard.

He hovered
about the jug where Grumpy Weasel was hiding and made such a
fuss that Farmer Green looked back at him.

TOM: Little nip for the dog that bit you?

"Well! well!" he exclaimed.

JOEL: [ As Farmer Green ] 'A dog that can hover! You're sure to win the County Floating Contest!'

And he stopped the horse
Ebenezer and jumped down and walked back again.

CROW: [ As Ebeneezer ] A visitation from the Ghost of Small Errands Yet To Run!

"I declare I'd have forgotten to take this jug if you
hadn't reminded me of it," he told Spot.

JOEL: Farmer Green believes his pets worry about unfinished chores.

And thereupon he
picked up the jug and set it in the back of the wagon.

TOM: Old Weasel, 100 proof.

This time Spot followed.

CROW: Follow the Spots.
JOEL: Leaves a little dotted line like Billy in The Family Circus.

This time he was in the
wagon before Farmer Green was.

TOM: He wants the front seat.

And all the way down the road,
until they reached the farmyard, he acted (or so Farmer Green
told him!) like a simpleton.

JOEL: [ As Farmer Green ] 'Yep, ol' Spot, it's really easy. They're going to look at my jug full of weasel and they're going to say, 'Now, Daniel Green, we know you can't build a full-grown weasel in a bottle like that, and we know you can't fit a baby
weasel in there and grow him up inside, so how did you get a full-grown weasel in side there?' And I'll slap my knee and tell them, 'It's all easy once you remember that my first name is Richard'.'

The whole affair made Grumpy Weasel terribly angry.

TOM: Luckily, 'Angry' is his middle name.
CROW: You suppose his parents named him?

He thought it was an outrage for Farmer Green to kidnap him
like that.

CROW: Well sorry, I don't see *you* suggesting better ways to kidnap yourself.

And he was so enraged that he would have taken a
bite out of anything handy.

JOEL: Even crime.

But there wasn't a thing in the
jug except himself.

TOM: And he can't do that, that's Meany Weasel's thing.

At last the strange party drew up in front of the
barn and stopped.

CROW: 'Strange' party?
JOEL: Yeah, like you have to come dressed as your third-favorite commedia dell'arte character and the music is entirely that twenty-minute cover of 'Sex Dwarf' that sounds like it was done tranquilized.

Farmer Green led Ebenezer into his stall.

TOM: But could not make him drink.

And then he took the jug, with Grumpy Weasel still inside in,
and in spite of Spot's protests set it high up on a shelf in
the barn.

CROW: [ As Farmer Green ] 'A little treat for later.'

It was easy for Grumpy, after that, to crawl out of
the jug.

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Say you!' (Thump!)

He scurried along the shelf, climbed up the wall,
and glided through a crack in the ceiling,

CROW: Um, excuse me, where was it established there were cracks in the ceilings before? Deus ex machina anyone?

to hide himself in
the haymow above.

TOM: o/` Haymow, haymow, my boyfriend's back. o/`

"Old Spot didn't get me this time!" he said
gleefully.

JOEL: [ As Spot ] 'Let's try it again, I bet I get farther!'

"Not by a jugful, he didn't!"

CROW: Not by a jugful?
TOM: It's an old-timey expression because it's literally true!

[ to continue ... ]

--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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