• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 19 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Mar 30 20:08:16 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: 1506 XIX XIX!


    TOM: [ As Henry Gibson ] 'A hiding, by Henry Hawk.'

    In the spring Grumpy Weasel was always glad

    JOEL: No he was *not*!
    CROW: [ Startled ] Little harsh there.
    JOEL: I have to put my foot down somewhere.

    to see
    the birds coming back from the South.

    TOM: The birds had such a wonderful time visiting South Dakota. Wall Drug, the corn palace, the filming locations of North by Northwest ...

    But it must not be
    supposed that it was because he liked to hear them sing (for
    he didn't!).

    CROW: He signed up for this stupid bird-watching app and if he doesn't log something every week it gets all whiny at him.

    Nor should any one make the mistake of thinking that
    Grumpy Weasel loved the birds.

    JOEL: Not after all the times someone asked if Grumpy wanted them to give him the bird and ...
    CROW: [ Raspberries ]

    The only reason why he
    welcomed them was because he liked to hunt them, and rob
    their nests.

    JOEL: [ As Dan Backslide ] 'A NEST! I'LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!'

    But there were two birds that Grumpy didn't care to
    have in Pleasant Valley.

    CROW: The Roc and Baby Huey.

    He often wished that Solomon Owl and
    Henry Hawk

    TOM: Solomon Owl. 'en'ery Hawk. _They're beaked!_

    would leave the neighborhood and never return.
    That was because they liked to hunt him.

    CROW: They'd like it more except hunting him means getting close to him.

    Especially did Grumpy Weasel dislike Henry Hawk,

    JOEL: His cartoons weren't *that* bad.
    TOM: Eh ...

    had an unpleasant habit of sitting motionless on a limb

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Get off my tail.'
    TOM: [ As Henry ] 'Are you sure a tail is a limb?'
    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'MOOOOOOM!'

    the top of some great tree.

    TOM: I've seen better.

    From that high perch he swept the
    whole valley with his keen, cruel eyes,

    JOEL: o/` These eyes have seen a lot of land ... o/`

    because (as he said)
    he "liked to see what was going on."

    TOM: [ As Henry ] 'Landslide! ... Oh no, wait, Fatty Raccoon just tripped.'

    If Henry Hawk saw anything anywhere that interested
    him he lost no time in reaching that place.

    TOM: Oh now me I'm always putting time in a special place I won't forget and then I can never find it again.

    It might be a
    bird, or a meadow mouse, or maybe a plump chicken.

    CROW: That's what's so great about him, he's not fussy.

    And he was
    always hoping to catch a glimpse of Grumpy Weasel.

    JOEL: Oh anyone can catch a glimpse, that's easy. It's weasels that are hard.

    One day early in the fall Mr. Hawk saw what he had
    been looking for so long.

    TOM: The first robin of spring! You're *incredibly* late!
    CROW: [ As a robin ] 'I'm very early!'

    Near the old cider mill, up the
    road from Farmer Green's house,

    JOEL: No, no, back down, you've gone too far --- oh, that's the Moon, nobody's going *there*.
    TOM: It's too full.

    he spied a long, slender,
    brownish shape moving swiftly among a pile of barrels outside
    the building.

    CROW: *Four* Maurice Chevaliers?!

    He knew at once that it was Grumpy Weasel;

    TOM: Now, now, it might be Sulky Marten.
    JOEL: I loved any game show hosted by Sulky Marten.

    though he was a long way off Mr. Hawk could see that Grumpy
    was very busy looking for something

    CROW: Grumpy! Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?

    ---so busy, Mr. Hawk
    hoped, that Grumpy wouldn't notice anything else.

    JOEL: You know how it is when you're looking for something, you can't see anything.
    TOM: Now where did I put my thing?

    Henry Hawk had wonderful eyesight.

    CROW: [ As Emily Litella ] 'Now how can eye sighing be wonderful?'

    As he came
    hurtling down out of the sky he could see that Grumpy was
    playing hide-and-seek with a mouse.

    TOM: Oh, how sweet! Everyone thinks he's mean and yet he goes out of his way to play with the deprived mice ---
    JOEL: [ Rests a hand on TOM's shoulder ]

    "It's a shame to break up the game," Mr. Hawk
    chuckled to himself.

    CROW: All tied in the fourteenth inning, too, too bad.

    And just then something made Grumpy Weasel look up.

    TOM: [ Yes's _It Can Happen_ ] o/` Look down! There's a crazy world outside! o/`

    It must have been Henry Hawk's shadow flickering over a

    JOEL: Wait a minute, hawks don't come in barrels.

    There was no other sign that could have warned

    CROW: [ As Henry ] 'Except you, blabbermouth narrator.'

    He put the meadow mouse out of his mind

    TOM: Never try eating a mouse with your mind.
    JOEL: You get cheesey thoughts.

    without a bit
    of trouble and made a sidewise spring

    CROW: Thank you, Coily!

    for the first hole on
    which his eyes lighted.

    JOEL: Oh no, it's the hole that only goes halfway!

    Grumpy was through it in a twinkling.

    TOM: Not halfway anymore.
    JOEL: Try and escape hard enough and everything's a hole that goes all the way through.

    Henry Hawk made
    a frantic grab with his talons at the black tip of Grumpy's

    CROW: No no, it's marked 'lift other end'.

    just as it whisked out of sight. But he was too late.

    JOEL: Grumpy had called 'olly olly oxen-free'.

    It did not soothe Henry Hawk's feelings to find that
    the meadow mouse had vanished at the same time.

    CROW: Wait! That mouse must be Atomic Mouse!

    Henry would
    have liked to play hide-and-seek with him himself.

    TOM: Oh, what a happy valley this is! Everyone is so playful!

    Mr. Hawk knew well enough where Grumpy was hiding.

    JOEL: [ As Henry ] 'I can pick up tips from the gabby narrator *too*.'

    That slim fellow had sought safety in an empty jug,

    CROW: o/` Little brown jug, little brown jug, little brown jug I don't know the other words! o/`

    which was
    lying on its side near the pile of barrels.

    TOM: It's also lying on the ground, don't make it look like it does all the lying by itself.

    It made a fine
    fort for Grumpy Weasel.

    CROW: Fort Grumpy Weasel, a surprisingly critical post during King William's War.

    The enemy couldn't break through it.
    And there was only one loophole,

    JOEL: It's if a person of sufficient virtue reunites the Seven Lost Shards of Wisdom at the peak of the triple eclipse that happens Sunday night for the last time in a thousand years!

    which was far too small to
    do Henry Hawk the least good.

    TOM: The least good, the fundamental particle of utilitarianism.

    Henry saw at once that he might as well go away.

    CROW: I don't know, could be pretty funny if you made the jug roll some.
    JOEL: That's mean, Crow.
    CROW: Yeah but still.

    he went off grumbling.

    TOM: Grumpy pops his head out to yell that's *his* line and then whoops.

    "This," he said, "is what comes of disorderly habits.

    JOEL: Always keep your habits in a row, folks.

    Farmer Green ought not to have left that jug lying there.

    CROW: Had he not ought?

    he hadn't, I might have been able to do him a good turn."

    TOM: Oh, you could do him a good turn *now* by picking up his clutter, you just want to do something for yourself and *say* it's a favor.

    [ End! Of chapter 19. ]

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

    --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
    * Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)