• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 18 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Fri Mar 24 00:20:04 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: Prequel to the prequel to XXX: Ecks versus Sever.


    TOM: Out east they say 'Soda! goes the weasel.'

    There were many things that did not please Grumpy

    JOEL: So be gone with them!

    ---things that almost any one else would have liked.

    CROW: How do we count Fatty Raccoon's likability?

    For instance, there was music.

    TOM: [ Singing 'Til There Was You ] o/` And wonderful roses o/`

    The Pleasant Valley Singing

    CROW: Aren't they the people Cherry Trail keeps doing garden stuff for?

    to which most of the bird people belonged,

    TOM: What, Twitter?

    did not
    number Grumpy Weasel among its admirers.

    CROW: They're hoping he supports them on Patreon, though.

    He never cared to
    hear a bird sing---not even Jolly Robin's cousin the Hermit,

    JOEL: They've got a lovely daughter ...

    who was one of the most beautiful singers in the woods. And
    as for Buddy Brown Thrasher,

    TOM: Death metal comes to the Pleasant Valley!

    whom most people thought a
    brilliant performer, Grumpy Weasel always groaned whenever he
    heard him singing in the topmost branches of a tree.

    CROW: When he sung in a bush, that was different.

    A bird-song---according to Grumpy Weasel---

    TOM: [ As Grumpy, giving a report ] 'Webster's Dictionary defines birdsong as the song of one or more birds.'
    JOEL: Webster wasn't working hard the day he filled out the 'birdsong' card.

    was of use
    in only one way: it told you where the bird was.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Oh! Well, that's two ways, then.'

    And that was
    a help, of course, if you were trying to catch him.

    JOEL: To catch a bird, it helps to think like a bird ... hey, seed!

    Nor did the musical Frog family's nightly concerts

    TOM: To a sold-out arena!

    have much charm for Grumpy, though he did admit that some of
    their songs were not so bad as others.

    JOEL: The closer they get to that Lesley Gore sound the better for him.

    "I can stand it now and then," he said, "to hear a
    good, glum croaking, provided there are plenty of discords."

    CROW: Grumpy's a huge fan of the 7-chord.

    Naturally, knowing how he felt, Grumpy Weasel's
    neighbors never invited him to listen to their concerts.

    TOM: Sounds like a problem solved, then.

    the contrary they usually asked him please to go away, if he
    happened to come along.

    JOEL: It only hurt when they started inviting him over so they can leave.

    Certainly nobody could sing his best,
    with such a listener.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well how good do you expect me to listen with such singing?'

    As a rule Grumpy Weasel was glad to go on about his

    TOM: Mankind was your business!

    though to be sure he hated to oblige anybody.

    CROW: Has Grumpy considered passive-aggression?
    JOEL: Oh, he's thought about it but he probably wouldn't do it nearly well enough to annoy.

    one day he stopped and scolded at the top of his voice when
    he came upon the Woodchuck brothers whistling in the pasture.

    TOM: How were the Whistling Woodchuck Brothers not a regular blackout gag on _The Muppet Show_?

    Their whistles quavered a bit when they noticed who
    was present.

    JOEL: [ Whistling 'Sidewalks of New York', but after a few bars breaking it off to a questioning tone. ]

    And they moved a little nearer their front door,
    in order to dodge out of sight if need be.

    TOM: They hope to fool Grumpy into thinking the door was whistling.

    Although Grumpy
    Weasel might follow them, there was a back door they could
    rush out of.

    CROW: Won't they be surprised when Grumpy runs in the back door?

    And since they knew their way about their
    underground halls better than he did they did not worry

    JOEL: They know every speakeasy, pool joint, and crooked pinball parlor in the Bowery.

    "We're sorry---"

    CROW: But your mauling has been disconnected.

    said the biggest brother, who was
    called Billy Woodchuck---"we're sorry you don't like our

    TOM: Would you like a coupon good for two musics?

    And we'd like to know what's the matter with it; for
    we always strive to please."

    JOEL: They're very professional, I bet they make it big someday.

    "It's not so much the way you whistle," Grumpy
    snarled, "though your whistling is bad enough, it's so

    CROW: [ As Billy ] What if we're doing it while shivering in our shoes?
    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] You don't wear shoes!

    What I find fault with especially is the tune. It's
    insulting to me. And you can't deny it."

    JOEL: [ As Billy ] What's so insulting about I Don't Like Weasels? Oh, now I say it out loud I hear it.

    Well, the Woodchuck brothers looked at one another in
    a puzzled fashion.

    TOM: They're stumped by today's Woodchuck Wordle.
    CROW: It's 'WHEEP'! It's always 'WHEEP'!

    "Never again let me hear you whistling, 'Pop! Goes
    the Weasel,'" Grumpy warned them.

    TOM: Got it, only sing it a capella from now on.

    That was the name of the
    Woodchuck brothers' favorite air,

    JOEL: Huh. Well, my favorite air is four parts nitrogen to one oxygen but hey, you like what you like.

    and the one they could
    whistle best. And any one could see that they were quite

    CROW: [ As Billy ] Would you like to race to the finish of the song?

    "Why don't you like that tune?" Billy Woodchuck asked
    Grumpy Weasel politely.

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] I was cheated out of the royalties.

    "It's that word 'pop,'" Grumpy said.

    CROW: Oh, he's not into pop music.

    "It reminds me
    of a pop-gun. And a pop-gun reminds me of a real gun. And
    that's something I don't want to think about."

    TOM: He's making a good case, have to give him that.

    Well, the Woodchuck brothers looked at one another
    again. But this time they smiled.

    JOEL: [ Billy, as Leo Gorcey ] Give 'em the ol' Routine 29!
    TOM: [ As Huntz Hall ] Ooh! Ooh! Right, chief!

    "You've misunderstood," Billy Woodchuck told Grumpy
    Weasel. "This is a different kind of pop.

    CROW: Technically it's a sort of ginger beer.

    It means that when
    you enter a hole you pop into it in a jiffy, without taking
    all day to do it."

    JOEL: Oh come on, that ... makes ... sense?
    TOM: [ Muttering, going over the lyrics ] Go around the mulberry bush, monkey chase the weasel, all in good fun ...

    For a wonder Grumpy Weasel was almost pleased.

    CROW: For two wonders Grumpy might almost experience Gemuetlichkeit.

    "That's true!" he cried. "I couldn't be slow if I
    wanted to be!"

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'But if I wanted to I could be the fastest to being the slowest thing imaginable! You'd be so slow getting to being slow compared to me you'd never get to me! Nobody could beat my pace to not being fast if I tried at it!'
    TOM: [ As Billy ] 'Are you high?'

    And he actually asked the Woodchuck brothers
    to whistle "Pop! Goes the Weasel" once more.

    CROW: Wait, Grumpy's first moment of happiness was caused by a *fan theory*?

    But Grumpy Weasel never thought of thanking them.

    JOEL: [ As Billy ] 'That's all right, our real thanks is in messing with people's heads!'

    [ End of Chapter 18 ... ]

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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