XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

XVI

CROW: X versus I, the final confrontation!

GUARDING THE CORNCRIB

TOM: The ...
JOEL: This adventure's going to be a struggle.

Grumpy Weasel never seemed to have anything but bad
luck whenever he went near the farmyard.

CROW: Hey, you know what's good luck? A rabbit's foot --- oh.

Perhaps that was the
reason why he kept going back there, for he was nothing if
not determined.

TOM: I'm starting to think he looks for things to be grumpy about.

Anyhow, he had found the hunting poor along
his stone wall in the woods.

JOEL: Nobody hunts there anymore, it's too popular.

And there was so much "game," as
he called it,

CROW: Game, but not in so many words.
JOEL: It's some big game, like Huge Monopoly and Giant Uno and Nine Tall Men's Morris.

about the farm buildings that he thought it was
silly to leave it for such scamps as Peter Mink and Tommy Fox

TOM: Scampy Squirrel ...
CROW: Swindler Skunk ...
JOEL: Slick Stork ...

and Fatty Raccoon.

[ ALL gasp! ]
TOM: Are we --- is this a legit crossover?

So he took to loitering near Farmer Green's corncrib.

CROW: Don't go too near, you'll have to change the corn-nappies.

And he was not at all pleased to find Fatty Raccoon there one
evening.

JOEL: Ladies! And Gentlemen! The hardest-eating raccoon in the business! Two tons of ringtail in a four-ton bag, the one, the only, Fatty Raccoon!
TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Who, little ol' me?'

He wouldn't have spoken to Fatty at all had not that
plump young chap hurled a cutting remark directly at him:

TOM: Scissors slice incisor vorpal blade weasel.

"There are no chickens in this building. This is a corncrib."

CROW: Thank you, Torgo.

"Don't you suppose I know that?" Grumpy retorted.

JOEL: I make no assumptions about what weasels know about what chickens know about what corncribs can be used for.

"I've come here to guard the corn from mice and squirrels."

TOM: And, uh, the space aliens who are stealing our cribs.

"There's no need of your doing that," Fatty Raccoon
told him.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Oh, is there no need of my doing that? What if I say no, there isn't there no need of my doing that? What then, varlet?'

"Have you never noticed those tin pans, upside
down, on top of the posts on which the corncrib rests?

TOM: Tin Pan Alley was smaller than I thought!

How
could a mouse or a squirrel ever climb past one of those?"

CROW: Maybe something peppy in 3/4 time that'll sell in Brooklyn *and* Peoria?

"There are ways," Grumpy Weasel said wisely.

TOM: He's bluffing! Get him!

"I doubt it," Fatty replied. "I don't believe the
trick can be done."

JOEL: We've had to watch six thousand short films about how to have good posture while dating a Chevy salesman on the phone and not one word about what the heck a corncrib is or why you'd have tin pans on them.

Then, not to oblige Fatty, but to show him he was
mistaken,

TOM: Anyone can do any amount of work as long as it's part of showing someone else is wrong.

Grumpy climbed a tree near-by, dropped from one of
its branches to the roof of the corncrib,

CROW: Oh but what squirrel could have mastered climbing a tree *and* jumping from it to get food?

and quickly found a
crack in the side of the building through which he slipped
with no trouble at all.

JOEL: Um ... bye?

Suddenly there was a great scurrying and scrambling
inside.

CROW: Eh, I've seen greater.

And soon Fatty Raccoon saw Frisky Squirrel

TOM: Snrrk!
JOEL: Wait, really?

and
several of his friends

TOM: Randy Chipmunk, Lusty Woodchuck, and Arthur the Anhedonic Pocket Gopher.

---not to mention three frightened
mice---

JOEL: Good job not mentioning them!
CROW: Arthur Scott Bailey slapping his forehead, saying he swore he wasn't going to do that again.

come tumbling out and tear off in every direction.

TOM: Including thorbwards.

Presently Grumpy Weasel stuck his head through a
crack between two boards.

CROW: [ As the Wizard of Oz doorkeeper ] 'Who rang that bell?'

"Did you catch the robbers?" he called to Fatty
Raccoon.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'What are you, a cop?'

"They were too spry for me," Fatty told him.

CROW: Also I don't eat named cast, I'm not a *monster*.

He
wouldn't have stopped one anyhow, for Grumpy Weasel.

JOEL: The screen energy of this pair, it's like Paul Newman and Robert Redford together.

"Which way did they go, old Slow Poke?"

TOM: Old Slow Poke? Nah, they went by the South Buttons Shunpike.

Grumpy cried
as he jumped down in great haste.

CROW: Even gravity wants Grumpy Weasel to go.

"Everywhere!" Fatty told him.

JOEL: All at once?!

"Can't you be a little more exact?

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Everywhere but *here*.'
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'OK, that does help, though.'

You don't
think---do you?---that I can run more than one way at a
time?"

CROW: What if you saunter? Maybe you can saunter in up to three directions at once?

"Why don't you run round and round in a circle?"

JOEL: Like a record baby, right round, round, round.

Fatty suggested. "In that way you might catch at least half
those youngsters---and perhaps all of them."

TOM: Merry-go-weasel.
CROW: Grumpy-go-weasel.
JOEL: It's just nice to see a weasel getting out of the whole pop-goes-ing box.

"That's the first real idea you ever had in your
life!"

JOEL: Hey, he had that great 'cheese pie au gratin' plan.

Grumpy exclaimed---which was as near to thanking a
person as he was ever known to come.

CROW: What if he has to thank a person a second time?

[ the end ... for this week ]


--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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