• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 13 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Feb 16 23:56:39 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: You feeling the X-I-tement yet?


    TOM: It's not 'nine, ten, silly Mrs Hen'?

    Strange to say,

    JOEL: I don't know, is it *that* strange?

    Grumpy Weasel was trying to be

    JOEL: OK, you got me.

    Of course he didn't really know how,

    CROW: Sounds like Grumpy needs to watch a Centron short.

    for he always
    practiced being surly and rude.

    TOM: And he's almost got it right!

    It must be confessed, too,
    that he had succeeded in making himself heartily disliked by
    everybody that knew him.

    CROW: Really? How so?

    There were a few, however, who had yet to learn of
    Grumpy Weasel's bad traits.

    TOM: Because they never happened to be near a wall or a pond or a bush or anything.

    Among these was a foolish, fat
    hen who lived in Farmer Green's henhouse.

    CROW: [ As Foghorn Leghorn ] '*HEN*house, I say!'

    And now Grumpy
    Weasel was doing his best to make a good impression on her.

    TOM: By throwing rocks at her.

    It is no wonder, perhaps, that this lady was unaware
    of her caller's real nature.

    JOEL: The call is coming from inside the weasel!

    For Grumpy was careful,

    CROW: He always kept three points of contact with the ladder.

    as a
    rule, to visit the farmyard only after dark.

    TOM: [ Sultry sax music ] Bwaa-bwaaa-bwa-bwa-BWAAAAAA-BWAAAAAAAH

    And being a
    person of quiet habits Mrs. Hen was always abed and asleep at
    that time.

    JOEL: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'I have my half-cup of lukewarm herbal tea (half a sugar cube) and think about an unsalted Saltine and set my hand on a book of good nutritional advice and that's enough fun for me.'

    Grumpy found it a bit difficult to chat with Mrs. Hen

    CROW: But they have so much in common!

    because old dog Spot was sprawled on the farmhouse steps;

    JOEL: We don't truck with that New Dog Spot.

    naturally Grumpy felt like keeping one eye on him.

    TOM: One eye on the dog, one eye on his wall, you're spreading yourself kind of thin, Grumpy.

    But the
    other he turned, as well as he could, on Mrs. Hen, who was in
    the henyard looking for worms.

    CROW: And not centipedes, or as she call them, 'spicy worms'.

    Just outside the wire fence

    TOM: Some look at the yard and ask, 'wire fence?' I look at the yard and ask, 'why aren't fence?'

    Grumpy Weasel crouched and told Mrs. Hen how well she was

    JOEL: Oh, she is, she's an expert at looking by now.

    His pretty speeches pleased Mrs. Hen so much that she
    actually let a fat angleworm get away from her

    TOM: [ Gasping ] Grumpy's on the payroll of Big Angleworm!

    because she
    hadn't her mind on what she was doing.

    CROW: Oh no, they're going to bring this up at the next henhouse scrum.

    She noticed meanwhile
    that one of her neighbors was making frantic motions,

    TOM: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'Gracious, might you be one of those hot-cha-cha dancers I hear so much about?'

    as if
    she had something important to say.

    JOEL: o/` But Mrs Hen will never speak, unless she has something to say ... o/`

    So Mrs. Hen sauntered
    across the henyard to find out what it was.

    "Don't you know whom you're talking to?" the neighbor
    demanded in a loud whisper. "That's Grumpy Weasel

    CROW: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'Oh ... well, what's his middle name?'
    JOEL: [ As Neighbor ] 'Cruel Bastard'
    CROW: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'I can change him.'

    ---the worst
    rascal in all these parts."

    TOM: Sure but isn't the *worst* rascal actually the *most* upstanding person?

    Somehow that sent a pleasant flutter of excitement
    through Mrs. Hen.

    JOEL: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'Am I what they call a woman of scandal now? Oh jeepers!'

    At the same time she couldn't quite believe
    the news, because her caller had said such very pleasant

    TOM: He's just copying the stuff from Tom and Jerry cartoons where they're trying to romance that little pink cat.

    "Don't worry!" she told her neighbor. "I'm old enough
    to look out for myself."

    CROW: I thought you were looking out for angleworms?
    JOEL: Mrs Hen knows the angles.

    "I should say so!" her neighbor cried.

    TOM: Please do, then.
    JOEL: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'So.'
    TOM: Thank you.

    "You're three
    years old if you're a day!"

    "I'm not!" Mrs. Hen retorted.

    CROW: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'I'm not a day! I'm a hen! Didn't you know?'

    "I'm only two and a

    TOM: Red Skelton's Mean Widdle Kid suddenly feels old.

    Her feathers were all ruffled up

    CROW: Oh, she's going for a biker chick look.

    and she went straight
    back and told Grumpy Weasel what her neighbor had said about

    JOEL: Does her neighbor have a name, a species, an anything?
    CROW: Jimmy's Brother!

    "You don't believe that, I hope," Grumpy ventured.

    TOM: Grumpy asks, 'Me, a rascal', while fwipping a lock of hair over his eyes.

    Mrs. Hen clucked and tried to look wise.

    CROW: You shouldn't say 'lookwise', you should say 'regarding looks'.

    And at last
    she confided to Grumpy that her neighbor was a jealous

    JOEL: Driven to bitterness by an encounter with Grumpy's father, Cranky Weasel.

    and sure to speak ill of a stranger who came to call
    on anybody but herself.

    TOM: What kind of freak wants people to call them?
    JOEL: It was the 1910s, calls were different.

    Well, Grumpy Weasel told Mrs. Hen that he knew, when
    he first set eyes on her, that she was a sensible little

    CROW: Compact, fuel-efficient, reasonable monthly payments, I'll take it.

    "You've a snug home here," he went on.

    TOM: [ As Mrs Hen ] Why yes! No nails at all, all the boards are cut to fit together!
    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] Let me start over.

    "I can tell
    you that I'd like such a place to crawl into on a chilly, wet

    CROW: Uh ...
    JOEL: Arthur Scott Bailey *after dark*!
    TOM: He told us!

    And though it was a warm, fine summer's day he
    shivered and shook, so Mrs. Hen could see.

    CROW: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'Is that that Fox Trot dance I hear Vernon and Irene Castle do?'
    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'm a weasel, it's a Weasel Trot dance.'

    And silly Mrs. Hen couldn't help feeling sorry for


    [ ... to be continued, perhaps ... ]
    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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