XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

XI

CROW: Xi Xperling, president of the hair club for zmen.

A LONG RACE

TOM: The 19th-Century struggle between Britain and Russia for mastery in Afghanistan and how it changed the world!

The famous race between Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy
Rabbit went on and on.

JOEL: They stumbled into an existentialist drama without realizing it.

Jimmy turned and twisted this way and
that,

CROW: No, not *that* way!

up and down and back and forth

TOM: *And* Fortran.

through Pleasant Valley.

JOEL: [ As Ted Stryker ] I don't know if we'll ever be through Pleasant Vally.

He could still run faster than Grumpy Weasel, it is true.

CROW: Well, that would seem to settle the race then, wouldn't it?

But
he was growing tired. Now and then Jimmy stopped to rest.

JOEL: Have you considered calling 'Olly Olly Oxen Free'?

And
he kept hoping that Grumpy Weasel had become so weary that he
had given up the chase.

TOM: That's it, wait for the creature driven by anger to get over it.

But Grumpy Weasel never stopped once.

CROW: He started right in on stopping twice.

And whenever
Jimmy Rabbit spied him coming along his trail Jimmy would
spring up with a sigh and rush off again.

JOEL: [ As Coily ] o/` No sighs! o/`s`

He began to understand that such a race was no joke.

TOM: Jimmy took a frivolous view of the sport of 'Dare Ta to a Foot Race'?

He certainly didn't want to lose the race.

CROW: The only way to race is not to race.

And he certainly
didn't want Grumpy Weasel to come up with him.

JOEL: Maybe Grumpy Weasel will just give you a big hug?

He had always
kept at a good safe distance from that ill-natured fellow.

TOM: Except on Accept-A-Dare Thursdays.

And Jimmy felt most uneasy now at the thought of Grumpy's
catching him.

CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'What if he tickles me?'

"He must be very hungry, after running so far," Jimmy
Rabbit said to himself anxiously.

TOM; [ As Jimmy ] 'Maybe I can get him talking about what kind of protein shakes he likes.'

"If he's as hungry as I am
he wouldn't be a pleasant person to meet."

JOEL: What if you meet him at the Chinese buffet?

And that thought
made Jimmy run all the faster, for a time.

CROW: But he's not running for a time.

But he soon found
that he had to stop more often to rest.

TOM: Jimmy hauls off and smacks a tortoise who wasn't even involved.

And to his great
alarm Grumpy Weasel kept drawing nearer all the time.

JOEL: When in the race do you figure Jimmy realized he forgot to pick a finish line?

At last Jimmy Rabbit became so worried that he swept

TOM: Compulsive cleaning is at least a useful way of handling nerves.

around by the stone wall again and stopped to whisper to old
Mr. Crow.

JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] 'What? You act like this is my fault somehow!'

"He's still chasing me. And I can't run forever.

TOM: isn't that the lyrics from 'The Raccoons'?
JOEL: o/` Come run forever ... o/``

What
shall I do?" Jimmy asked the old gentleman.

CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Have you considered flying?'

"I'll think the matter over and let you know
to-morrow,"

TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'For a hamburger today.'

Mr. Crow muttered hoarsely. To tell the truth,

JOEL: Will the real Grumpy Weasel *please* stand up?

he
was alarmed himself.

TOM: [ As Jimmy ] 'Oh, *he's* alarmed now?!'

And he had no idea what Jimmy Rabbit
could do to save himself from Grumpy Weasel.

CROW: Maybe have Paddy Muskrat swim at him?

While they talked, Grumpy's cousin, Peter Mink,
watched them slyly.

JOEL: Well not *that* slyly, just sort of slyly-ish-ly.

"Who do you think is going to win the race?" he
jeered.

TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Look, why do you want to make everything a horserace?'
JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'It's literally a race and neither of them are horses!'
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'My voice is pretty hoarse!

Mr. Crow did not even turn his head. He felt very
uncomfortable.

TOM: Really? Whatever for?

But he tried to look unconcerned.

CROW: Don't frown! .. Oh, perfect!

"Run along!" he said to Jimmy. "To-morrow I'll tell
you what to do."

JOEL: Wait! I just had an idea, Jimmy, put on this Girl Weasel costume and I'll play the sultry music!

"To-morrow---" Jimmy Rabbit panted---"to-morrow will
be too late."

TOM: o/` To-morrow will be tooooo laaaaate! o/`

Then all at once Mr. Crow had an idea.

CROW: If I could stop Valentine's Day from coming --- but how?

And he
whispered something in one of Jimmy Rabbit's long ears

JOEL: 'Coronet Blue'?!

that
made the poor fellow take heart.

TOM: Also ears.

"All right!" Jimmy cried. "I'll see you
again---sometime!"

CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'See you soon!' [ To himself ] 'He's dead.'

And away he ran, just as Grumpy Weasel
came racing along the stone wall,

JOEL: He's stonewalling.

looking as fresh as a
daisy.

TOM: Please don't eat the weasels.

"You'd better stop and rest a while!" Mr. Crow
croaked. "If you get too tired you'll never win."

CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'If this works Jimmy is set!'

"Rest!" Grumpy exploded. "I don't need to rest! I
never felt better in my life, except that I'm pretty hungry.

TOM: Aw, you're awfully cute even when you're stuffed, dear.

But I'm bound to win this race."

JOEL: He shows off his giant horseshoe magnet and empty bag of iron baby carrots.

As he spoke of feeling
hungry he cast a longing glance at Jimmy Rabbit,

TOM: [ Makes a zzzzzz noise, like a fishing reel being cast. ]

who was just
dodging out of sight behind a distant tree.

TOM: Grumpy just went into a bar, made the biker strip naked, didn't even take the clothes.
CROW: Did Arthur Scott Bailey ever consider liking his protagonist?

"Wait here a bit, anyhow!" Mr. Crow urged him.

JOEL: Underneath this anvil!

"Since
you're sure to win---as you say---there can be no hurry."

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'If ... is this some Sophist nonsense? You gonna give me that thing about how since I never lost my unicorn horn I *have* a unicorn horn?'

And
Peter Mink too begged his cousin Grumpy to stop just a
minute.

CROW: Think how Peter Mink feels begging Grumpy to spend more time with him.

And he laughed, "Ha, ha!" whenever he looked at Mr.
Crow.

TOM: They're coming to take me away?

And strange to say, Mr. Crow said, "Ha, ha!" too.

JOEL: He's going to dare Grumpy Weasel to race *him*.

-- End of Chapter 11 --



--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)