• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 11 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Fri Feb 3 00:07:36 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: Xi Xperling, president of the hair club for zmen.


    TOM: The 19th-Century struggle between Britain and Russia for mastery in Afghanistan and how it changed the world!

    The famous race between Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy
    Rabbit went on and on.

    JOEL: They stumbled into an existentialist drama without realizing it.

    Jimmy turned and twisted this way and

    CROW: No, not *that* way!

    up and down and back and forth

    TOM: *And* Fortran.

    through Pleasant Valley.

    JOEL: [ As Ted Stryker ] I don't know if we'll ever be through Pleasant Vally.

    He could still run faster than Grumpy Weasel, it is true.

    CROW: Well, that would seem to settle the race then, wouldn't it?

    he was growing tired. Now and then Jimmy stopped to rest.

    JOEL: Have you considered calling 'Olly Olly Oxen Free'?

    he kept hoping that Grumpy Weasel had become so weary that he
    had given up the chase.

    TOM: That's it, wait for the creature driven by anger to get over it.

    But Grumpy Weasel never stopped once.

    CROW: He started right in on stopping twice.

    And whenever
    Jimmy Rabbit spied him coming along his trail Jimmy would
    spring up with a sigh and rush off again.

    JOEL: [ As Coily ] o/` No sighs! o/`s`

    He began to understand that such a race was no joke.

    TOM: Jimmy took a frivolous view of the sport of 'Dare Ta to a Foot Race'?

    He certainly didn't want to lose the race.

    CROW: The only way to race is not to race.

    And he certainly
    didn't want Grumpy Weasel to come up with him.

    JOEL: Maybe Grumpy Weasel will just give you a big hug?

    He had always
    kept at a good safe distance from that ill-natured fellow.

    TOM: Except on Accept-A-Dare Thursdays.

    And Jimmy felt most uneasy now at the thought of Grumpy's
    catching him.

    CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'What if he tickles me?'

    "He must be very hungry, after running so far," Jimmy
    Rabbit said to himself anxiously.

    TOM; [ As Jimmy ] 'Maybe I can get him talking about what kind of protein shakes he likes.'

    "If he's as hungry as I am
    he wouldn't be a pleasant person to meet."

    JOEL: What if you meet him at the Chinese buffet?

    And that thought
    made Jimmy run all the faster, for a time.

    CROW: But he's not running for a time.

    But he soon found
    that he had to stop more often to rest.

    TOM: Jimmy hauls off and smacks a tortoise who wasn't even involved.

    And to his great
    alarm Grumpy Weasel kept drawing nearer all the time.

    JOEL: When in the race do you figure Jimmy realized he forgot to pick a finish line?

    At last Jimmy Rabbit became so worried that he swept

    TOM: Compulsive cleaning is at least a useful way of handling nerves.

    around by the stone wall again and stopped to whisper to old
    Mr. Crow.

    JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] 'What? You act like this is my fault somehow!'

    "He's still chasing me. And I can't run forever.

    TOM: isn't that the lyrics from 'The Raccoons'?
    JOEL: o/` Come run forever ... o/``

    shall I do?" Jimmy asked the old gentleman.

    CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Have you considered flying?'

    "I'll think the matter over and let you know

    TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'For a hamburger today.'

    Mr. Crow muttered hoarsely. To tell the truth,

    JOEL: Will the real Grumpy Weasel *please* stand up?

    was alarmed himself.

    TOM: [ As Jimmy ] 'Oh, *he's* alarmed now?!'

    And he had no idea what Jimmy Rabbit
    could do to save himself from Grumpy Weasel.

    CROW: Maybe have Paddy Muskrat swim at him?

    While they talked, Grumpy's cousin, Peter Mink,
    watched them slyly.

    JOEL: Well not *that* slyly, just sort of slyly-ish-ly.

    "Who do you think is going to win the race?" he

    TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Look, why do you want to make everything a horserace?'
    JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'It's literally a race and neither of them are horses!'
    CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'My voice is pretty hoarse!

    Mr. Crow did not even turn his head. He felt very

    TOM: Really? Whatever for?

    But he tried to look unconcerned.

    CROW: Don't frown! .. Oh, perfect!

    "Run along!" he said to Jimmy. "To-morrow I'll tell
    you what to do."

    JOEL: Wait! I just had an idea, Jimmy, put on this Girl Weasel costume and I'll play the sultry music!

    "To-morrow---" Jimmy Rabbit panted---"to-morrow will
    be too late."

    TOM: o/` To-morrow will be tooooo laaaaate! o/`

    Then all at once Mr. Crow had an idea.

    CROW: If I could stop Valentine's Day from coming --- but how?

    And he
    whispered something in one of Jimmy Rabbit's long ears

    JOEL: 'Coronet Blue'?!

    made the poor fellow take heart.

    TOM: Also ears.

    "All right!" Jimmy cried. "I'll see you

    CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'See you soon!' [ To himself ] 'He's dead.'

    And away he ran, just as Grumpy Weasel
    came racing along the stone wall,

    JOEL: He's stonewalling.

    looking as fresh as a

    TOM: Please don't eat the weasels.

    "You'd better stop and rest a while!" Mr. Crow
    croaked. "If you get too tired you'll never win."

    CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'If this works Jimmy is set!'

    "Rest!" Grumpy exploded. "I don't need to rest! I
    never felt better in my life, except that I'm pretty hungry.

    TOM: Aw, you're awfully cute even when you're stuffed, dear.

    But I'm bound to win this race."

    JOEL: He shows off his giant horseshoe magnet and empty bag of iron baby carrots.

    As he spoke of feeling
    hungry he cast a longing glance at Jimmy Rabbit,

    TOM: [ Makes a zzzzzz noise, like a fishing reel being cast. ]

    who was just
    dodging out of sight behind a distant tree.

    TOM: Grumpy just went into a bar, made the biker strip naked, didn't even take the clothes.
    CROW: Did Arthur Scott Bailey ever consider liking his protagonist?

    "Wait here a bit, anyhow!" Mr. Crow urged him.

    JOEL: Underneath this anvil!

    you're sure to win---as you say---there can be no hurry."

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'If ... is this some Sophist nonsense? You gonna give me that thing about how since I never lost my unicorn horn I *have* a unicorn horn?'

    Peter Mink too begged his cousin Grumpy to stop just a

    CROW: Think how Peter Mink feels begging Grumpy to spend more time with him.

    And he laughed, "Ha, ha!" whenever he looked at Mr.

    TOM: They're coming to take me away?

    And strange to say, Mr. Crow said, "Ha, ha!" too.

    JOEL: He's going to dare Grumpy Weasel to race *him*.

    -- End of Chapter 11 --

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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