XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

VIII

JOEL: It's King Henry Days at the Satellite of Love!

THE DARE

TOM: [ To the Pink Panther theme ] The dare, the DARE, the dare the dare the DARE the dare the DAAAAAAARE!

If Grumpy Weasel had been a faster runner

JOEL: [ As the 'If Woody had gone right to the police' guy ] ... this would never have happened.

the forest
people wouldn't have been so surprised when he dared Jimmy
Rabbit to race him.

CROW: Also if he had ever chosen to interact with a person.

Everybody knew that Jimmy was
swift-footed

JOEL: He had feet like a bird.

---especially since he once beat old Mr. Turtle
(but that is another story).

TOM: Oh did he, now? Because I saw a cartoon where it came out different.

When Mr. Crow, who was a great bearer of news,

CROW: And Mr Bear, who was a great crower of news.
JOEL: Wait, that makes sense.

told
Jimmy Rabbit one day that Grumpy Weasel wanted a race with
him,

TOM: [ As Jimmy ] 'What do I care if Grumpy wants a race with you?'

Jimmy Rabbit seemed more than willing to oblige. "Where,
when, and how far does Grumpy want to run against me?" he
asked.

JOEL: Seems like you could talk Jimmy into it.

Mr. Crow said that he didn't know,

CROW: He just got back from Buffalo.

but that he would
make it his business to find out.

TOM: Some bots don't know how to mind their own business!
CROW: Hey!

So off he hurried to find
Grumpy Weasel,

JOEL: Just look for the big cloud of disagreeing.

for if there was anything Mr. Crow liked it
was busying himself with other people's affairs.

CROW: *Also* shiny trinkets!

He did not have what you could call a pleasant talk
with Grumpy Weasel.

JOEL: I always thought any talk that doesn't end with a weasel biting your face off is a pleasant one.

Once when Mr. Crow alighted too near the
ground Grumpy jumped at him.

TOM: That *is* a good story!

And several times he called Mr.
Crow a nest-robber and an egg-thief, though goodness knows

CROW: He styled himself more a nest-thief and an egg-robber.

Grumpy Weasel himself was as bad as the worst when it came to
robbing birds' nests.

JOEL: But the worst is going to be Fatty Raccoon?

Although he felt as if he were about to burst with
rage old Mr. Crow pretended to laugh.

CROW: [ Clearing his throat, and speaking the words, awkwardly, as though giving a bad presentation ] 'H- hah ha hhaah?'

He had been having a
rather dull time, waiting for Farmer Green to plant his corn,

TOM: o/` And I don't care! o/``

and he thought that a lively race might put him in better
spirits.

JOEL: If Grumpy Weasel is in good spirits does that mean he's *more* grumpy or does that mean he's ...
CROW: Yeah, this is confusing.

"Where do you want to race against Jimmy Rabbit?" Mr.
Crow asked.

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Around the world twice! Zip! Zip! Hah, I'm done!'

"We'll start from this wall," said Grumpy sulkily,

CROW: You ... sound like you're not into this anymore, Grumps.

"because it's always better to start from where you are than
where you aren't."

JOEL: [ As Mr Meadow Mouse] 'No running through holes, right?'

Mr. Crow said that that seemed reasonable.

TOM: 'Makes sense', said Glinn Gusat.

"When do you want to race?" he added.

JOEL: [ As a Knight who says Ni ] 'When you bring me a shrubbery!'

"The sooner we start the quicker we'll finish,"
Grumpy Weasel snapped.

CROW: And vice-versa.

"Quite true, quite true!" Mr. Crow agreed.

TOM: [ As Mr Crow, doing Columbo ] 'I figured it was something like that, sure ... now just one more question.'

"And now
may I inquire how long a race you want to run?"

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] No, you must ask how wide a race I want.

"No longer than I have to!" Grumpy growled.

TOM: Is Grumpy posing a riddle?
CROW: Uh, is the answer 'a hole'? I feel like it's got to be 'a hole'?

"Not more
than a day or two, I hope!"

JOEL: You know how hard it would be to get a hotel this close to the event!

Mr. Crow snickered slightly.

CROW: [ Snickering, slightly. ]

"I see you don't
understand my question," he observed.

TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Let me put it in other words. Gazortnol flebnostrilate chunk bloppily snork nobble?'

"Are you going to run a
mile, or only a few rods?"

CROW: A few rods? Look, I know this is 1915 but you're being old-fashioned for *that*!

"How do I know?" Grumpy cried,

TOM: Fine, twelve hogsheads, three virgates, and a ha'penny!

as if he had no
patience with his questioner.

JOEL: You know if you don't want to do this you don't have to do this. *you* started everyone on doing this!

"How could anybody tell? I'll
let Jimmy Rabbit start twenty jumps ahead of me and we'll run
till I catch him."

CROW: Wait a minute, is this a race or is he just going to eat Jimmy Rabbit?

Well, Mr. Crow laughed right out loud when he heard
that.

JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] 'I enjoy watching Jimmy Rabbit die!'

And he was about to tell Grumpy that he would have to
run till the end of his days if he raced Jimmy Rabbit in any
such fashion as that.

CROW: But why start trouble like that?

But he saw all at once that such a race
would be a great joke.

TOM: Well, it's one of those conceptual jokes, where the comedian's amused but we're confused.

And he said to himself with a chuckle
that the laugh would be on Grumpy Weasel.

CROW: Sounds like you're the one doing all the laughing here.

For Jimmy Rabbit
was so swift a runner that nobody who knew anything at all
would ever consent to give him a start---

JOEL: What if we gave him a sudden surprise instead?

much less propose
such a thing.

"Very well!" said Mr. Crow with a smirk, "I'll report
to Jimmy Rabbit.

TOM: We'll agenda it on the next Pleasant Valley scrum!

I'll tell him where, when and how you want
to race, and there's no doubt that your plan will please
him."

JOEL: His plan is to stand still while Jimmy runs away from him and is never seen again.

"I hope it won't!" Grumpy Weasel snarled. "I've never
pleased anybody yet; and I don't mean to."

CROW: Grumpy Weasel suddenly becomes the voice of our generation.

And that goes to show what an ill-natured scamp he
was.

TOM: He reaches out *one* time to do *one* fun thing with *one* person and suddenly it's a whole megillah. I feel for the guy.

- end of chapter 8! -

--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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