• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 7 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to we got us a stranger who on Thu Jan 5 23:51:12 2023
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    TOM: Chapter Five, Part II.


    CROW: [ As Emily Litella ] 'What's all this about Paddy Muskrat's bladder?'

    Sometimes Grumpy Weasel found the hunting poor along
    the stretch of stone wall that he called his own

    JOEL: Maybe Grumpy should take up gathering?

    ---though of
    course it really belonged to Farmer Green.

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'I own it by virtue of working the hunting grounds! Read your Locke!'
    CROW: [ Pointlessly hostile ] *You* read *your* Locke.

    And though he
    disliked to wander much in strange neighborhoods,

    JOEL: ... he likes the way his existing drives the Nextdoor biddies crazy.

    once in a
    while he visited other parts of Pleasant Valley.

    CROW: Sometimes he wanders all the way to Simply Passable Hill or Mediocre Brook. Once even to Disappointing Meadow.
    JOEL: Mister Meadow Mouse likes it.

    It was on such an excursion to the bank of the mill

    TOM: o/` Down by the old mill pond ... o/`

    that he caught sight, one day, of Paddy Muskrat

    CROW: I want to call him Paddy O'Muskrat for some reason.

    ---or to
    be more exact, that Paddy Muskrat caught sight of him.

    JOEL: You know a caught sight is the most dangerous of all.

    Now it was seldom that anybody spoke to Grumpy

    CROW: And when they did it was about who has the deed to the garden wall.

    On the contrary, most of the forest-folk dodged out
    of sight whenever they saw him, and said nothing.

    TOM: Wait, nobody likes Grumpy Weasel, nobody likes Fatty Raccoon, does Arthur Scott Bailey have any protagonists he *wants* to spend time with?

    So he
    wheeled like a flash and started to run when somebody called,
    "Hullo, stranger!"

    CROW: He's being visited by the Barbara Lewis?

    One quick backward glance at a small wet head in the
    water told Grumpy that he had nothing to fear.

    JOEL: In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be here ...

    "Hullo, yourself!" he retorted "And you'd better not
    call me 'stranger,' because I'm no stranger than you are."

    TOM: Well, how strange are you?
    CROW: Anyone who boasts about how strange they are is about as strange as white broccoli pizza.

    Well, Paddy Muskrat---for it was he who had spied
    Grumpy Weasel on the bank of the pond---

    JOEL: No, not *that* Paddy Muskrat, the other one.

    saw at once that
    whoever the slender and elegant person might be,

    TOM: Nick Charles?!

    he had the
    worst of manners. Though Paddy had lived in the mill pond a
    long time, he had never met any one that looked exactly like
    the newcomer.

    CROW: Isn't that how newcomers work?
    JOEL: Not if you're clones.
    CROW: Oh.

    To be sure, there was Peter Mink, who was
    long-bodied and short-tempered,

    TOM: [ As Peter Mink, from far off ] 'Hey! Why pick on me?'

    as the stranger appeared to
    be. But when Paddy inquired whether the visitor wasn't a
    distant connection of the Mink family (as indeed he was!),

    CROW: [ As Emily Litella ] 'The *Pink* Family?'

    Grumpy Weasel said, "What! Do you mean to insult me by asking
    whether I'm related to such a ragged, ruffianly crowd?"

    TOM: 'Ruffianly'?

    Somehow Paddy Muskrat rather liked that answer,

    JOEL: 'Ruffianly', yeah, we got us a stranger who says things like 'ruffianly'.

    Peter Mink and all his family were fine swimmers and most
    unwelcome in the mill pond.

    TOM: Just ... just because he doesn't like Peter Mink doesn't mean he can't swim.

    And perhaps---who knew?---

    JOEL: It is a crazy, mixed-up world.

    perhaps the spic-and-span
    chap on the bank,

    CROW: Felix Otter!

    with the sleek coat and black-tipped tail,

    TOM: Puttin' on the ritz!

    was one of the kind that didn't like to get his feet wet.

    JOEL: That he was wearing his swimming trunks suggests otherwise, though.

    Then Paddy Muskrat asked the stranger a silly

    TOM: 'If you could trade tongues with someone, who would it be?'

    He was not the wisest person, anyhow, in Pleasant
    Valley, as his wife often reminded him.

    CROW: Oh you know women, always reminding you of the existence of wiser muskrats in the valley.

    "You're not a distant
    relation of Tommy Fox, are you?" he inquired.

    TOM: Tommy Fox, the lowland tenrec?

    Grumpy Weasel actually almost smiled.

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy, hollering in pain ] 'AAAAUGH!'

    "Now, how did you happen to guess that?" he asked.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Because, man, if that idea ust popped into your head you're a sack of doorknobs!'

    "Because you've got such a sharp nose," Paddy Muskrat

    JOEL: You know what they say, sharp nose, warm heart.

    And he was quite pleased with himself, for he
    thought that he wasn't so stupid as some people thought.

    TOM: Oh ... oh, honey, please, sit down before you hurt yourself.

    "Any other reason?" Grumpy Weasel inquired, stepping
    to the edge of the overhanging bank.

    CROW: Look out, Paddy, it's a trap!

    "You don't like to get your feet wet," Paddy Muskrat

    TOM: Objection, assumes personality traits not in evidence.

    And feeling safe as anything, he swam nearer the spot
    where the stranger was crouching.

    JOEL: Just think of being the phone company guy walking Paddy through moving his SIM card.

    Paddy saw, almost too late, that he had made a bad

    CROW: Can't you even tell a cabbage from a lettuce?!

    For without the slightest warning Grumpy Weasel
    leaped at him.

    JOEL: Aaah! Snuggle party!

    And had not Paddy been a wonderful swimmer and
    able to dive like a flash,

    TOM: What, *nekkid*?!

    he would never have dashed,
    panting, into his house a few moments later.

    "What on earth is the matter?" his wife asked him.

    CROW: [ As Paddy ] 'NOTHING! Nothing, uh, nothing ... listen, we don't have any holes on us, do we?'

    "I've been having a swimming race with a stranger,"

    JOEL: Seems more like a diving race to me?

    Paddy explained. "I don't know his name. But I do know that
    he'd just as soon get his feet wet as I would."

    TOM: [ As Mrs Muskrat ] 'Why would you want to get his feet wet?'

    "Well, why not?" Mrs. Muskrat inquired. "That only
    shows he's sensible."

    CROW: He can see, hear, smell, touch, *and* taste!
    TOM: Can't trust a stranger you don't ever lick.

    "Does it show I'm sensible, too?" Paddy asked her.

    JOEL: I don't know, can you be licked?

    "Certainly not!" said Mrs. Muskrat.

    TOM: D'oh!

    - End of Chapter 7

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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