• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 6 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Dec 29 20:05:19 2022
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: Chapter Seven, the prequel.


    JOEL: Wonder what's going to happen this chapter.

    Grumpy Weasel did not like Solomon Owl's offer

    TOM: Two wheat and one ore in exchange for Literacy and Mapmaking? What kind of offer is that?!

    to be
    umpire of the hole-crawling contest between Mr. Meadow Mouse
    and himself.

    JOEL: ... Busier than a one-beaked umpire at a hole-crawling contest.

    He hissed a few times and glared at Solomon Owl,

    CROW: Like they say, the people with the free weasels always hiss first.

    up in the hemlock tree.

    TOM: Grumpy should run into the hemlock tree's opposite, the inseam-key tree.

    Solomon Owl did not appear to mind that, but calmly
    outstared Grumpy Weasel without once blinking.

    JOEL: [ As Solomon ] 'I been hissed at by bigger weasels than you, buck-o.'

    "Are you both
    ready?" he asked presently.

    CROW: You know this is like the biggest mouse anxiety dream after having to give a presentation in class.

    "Yes, thank you!" Mr. Meadow Mouse answered.

    TOM: [ As Meadow ] 'I'll just get ready over ... there ... ' [ Makes a 'whoosh' noise ]

    Grumpy Weasel gave a sort of shrug, as if to say that he
    supposed he was.

    JOEL: Grumpy's too cool for school.

    "First you may try that hole between those mossy
    stones," Mr. Owl announced, with a tilt of his head toward
    the wall.

    TOM: Mossy stones ... hm ... what's your game, old Owl?

    "Certainly!" cried Mr. Meadow Mouse.

    CROW: Remember to wear your microchip shirt so we can time you down to the millisecond.

    "You go first and I'll follow," Grumpy Weasel told

    JOEL: Not going to flip to see who goes first?

    And Mr. Meadow Mouse didn't dare disobey. He whisked
    through the hole spryly and was back again in no time.

    TOM: Why, the hole only goes halfway!

    Then Grumpy took his turn.

    JOEL: And *only* his turn. He's not greedy.
    TOM: Greedy Muskrat is a whole different book.

    He was certainly quicker
    than Mr. Meadow Mouse.

    CROW: [ As Meadow ] 'It's very important I do my *entire* get-ready-to-do-something routine!'
    TOM: [ As Meadow, doing Ed Norton ] 'Hello, hole!'

    Even the umpire, Solomon Owl, had to
    admit that.

    JOEL: Solomon Owl is not one to gainsay the obvious.

    "But of course that's not the point," Solomon

    TOM: It might be the tiebreaker, though.

    "It's the one that gets stuck in a hole that loses
    the contest."

    CROW: Much as in life, yes.

    Well, after Grumpy and Mr. Meadow Mouse had slipped
    through several holes, each one smaller than the one before,

    TOM: They must both be shrinking!

    Mr. Meadow Mouse said that he thought it was only polite to
    let Grumpy go first.

    JOEL: That's the sort of thing that'll shake him out of his funk.

    Secretly Mr. Meadow Mouse was afraid of
    what might happen if he should have the misfortune to get
    wedged in a hole, with Grumpy Weasel ready to follow him.

    TOM: He could just tell Grumpy it's all right to go around him. Easy.

    had had some trouble getting through the last one and he knew
    that he could never squeeze through one that was much

    CROW: Fatty Raccoon wondering what's all this 'squeeze through' talk.

    Grumpy Weasel lost his temper at once.

    TOM: Remember, the loser is the one who throws the first punch. Except if you're boxing.

    "I'll do as I please on my stone wall!" he snapped.

    JOEL: If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes you'll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

    And he was angrier than ever when Solomon Own said to him,
    "It's your turn!"

    CROW: [ As Meadow ] 'Wait, it was that easy all along? I shoulda tried this *holes* ago!'

    Probably no other of the woods
    people---unless it was one of the Hawk family

    TOM: Eagle, Goshawk, Tony, and Parabuteo.

    ---could have
    made Grumpy Weasel obey.

    JOEL: Oh and Jimmy Rabbit now he read that book about hypnosis.

    And now he insisted that if he "went
    first" he ought to be allowed to choose whatever hole he

    TOM: [ As Solomon ] 'Hmm ... I'll allow it. But you're on a short leash, counsellor.'

    Both Solomon Owl and Mr. Meadow Mouse agreed.

    JOEL: What sort of name do you think 'Meadow' is?
    TOM: What sort of name is 'Grumpy'?

    Grumpy Weasel popped through a hole of his own choosing, and
    he did not reappear,

    CROW: Wait, I was about to *make* that joke!

    though he called to Mr. Meadow Mouse to
    "come on."

    JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'You'll love it here in the Shadow Zone!'

    Mr. Meadow Mouse hung back.

    TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Come on, join me in the Never-Was!'

    "You'll have to excuse me," he stammered.

    CROW: [ As Meadow ] 'I, uh, have a all-hands standup on Zoom in five. Be right back.'

    "What's the matter?" boomed Solomon Owl. "Do you want
    to lose the contest?"

    JOEL: [ As Solomon ] 'Can you settle for being merely Pleasant Valley's *second-best* squeezer-into-things?'

    "No!" said Mr. Meadow Mouse. "But Grumpy Weasel is
    still inside that hole. There's no other way out."

    TOM: [ As Torgo ] 'It'll be dark soon, there is no other way out.'

    "How do you know?" Solomon Owl asked him.

    CROW: You know, one cork could solve the whole Grumpy Weasel problem right now.

    "Oh, I've been here before, often," Mr. Meadow Mouse

    TOM: Often enough to memorize all the one-way holes?

    "Are you sure?" Mr. Owl inquired.

    CROW: Look, there's one hole in the wall that leads to somewhere in the Delta Quadrant where the Caretaker's sampling species, and that's the hole. What can I tell you?

    "I'll go on the other side of the wall and look," Mr.
    Meadow Mouse offered. And thereupon he skipped over the wall.

    JOEL: You know, this really seems more like Meadow Mouse's story here.

    Solomon Owl waited patiently.

    TOM: Wonder what Solomon's whole gambit here is, really.

    And so did Grumpy

    CROW: So did Peter Mink, but you don't see him making a big fuss over it.

    But Mr. Meadow Mouse never came back. Once out of
    sight he scampered away.

    JOEL: [ As Meadow, increasingly faintly ] 'I'm not scampering away, I'm, I'm, I'm just looking for where the hole should be!'
    TOM: [ As Meadow ] 'Still shakin' the bushes, boss!'

    And he never trespassed on Grumpy
    Weasel's hunting ground again.

    CROW: Because Grumpy was so impressed with the cleverness they became good friends and Meadow was welcome anytime he wanted to drop in, right?
    JOEL: Um ...

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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