• MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 5 [ 1 / 1 ]

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Dec 22 21:55:53 2022
    XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k


    CROW: The Final, Belated Battle


    TOM: He's wise, not polite.

    Plump little Mr. Meadow Mouse

    JOEL: ... Came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed ...

    wished he had stayed
    away from Grumpy Weasel's hunting ground.

    CROW: Totally bogus to have the ground hunting you. The sky never does that cop stuff.

    He would have
    scampered off, had he not known that Grumpy could overtake
    him before he had made three leaps.

    TOM: Hear me out now, what if you take two leaps?
    CROW: One leap and a jaunty pirouette?

    So he saw no way out of
    his trouble,

    TOM: Maybe declare bankruptcy?

    though he could think of nothing less agreeable
    than trying to slip through a small hole with Grumpy Weasel
    close at hand, watching him narrowly.

    JOEL: I don't know, Grumpy seems to be pretty positive about this.

    Then all at once Mr. Meadow Mouse had an idea.

    TOM: Wait, it won't help if you try and stop Christmas from coming.

    go first!" he said politely. "Go through any hole you choose
    and then I'll try my luck."

    JOEL: Let's go inside and take this outdoors!

    But Grumpy Weasel was too crafty to do that.

    CROW: He had a huge pile of origami blocking the hole.

    "You'd try your luck at running away," he snarled.

    TOM: [ As Meadow Mouse ] 'I'd try my skill, too!'

    "You are the one to go first; and we'll have no words about

    JOEL: [ As Meadow Mouse ] 'Can I at least gulp a little?'

    Well, Mr. Meadow Mouse began to shake more than ever.

    CROW: He's getting his groove on!

    "Don't you think," he quavered, "that we'd better
    wait a few days until I'm a bit smaller?

    TOM: [ As Meadow Mouse ] 'I'm growing down, you know. It's like growing up but the other way around?'

    I'm afraid I've been
    overeating lately and I might get stuck in a hole.

    CROW: Well, what if the hole eats something and grows a bit?

    And of
    course that would be awkward."

    JOEL: Oh, we'd pretend not to look, don't worry.

    "Ha, ha!" Grumpy Weasel actually laughed. But it was
    not what any one could call a hearty, wholesome, cheerful
    sort of laugh. On the contrary, it sounded very cruel and

    CROW: Oh, great, he's an Internet snarker.
    JOEL: [ Coughing, embarrassed ]

    "Hoo, hoo!" Another laugh---this one weird and
    hollow---boomed out from the hemlock tree just above Mr.
    Meadow Mouse's head.

    CROW: Huh, huh?
    TOM: o/` They're coming to take me away! o/``

    He jumped, in spite of himself---did Mr. Meadow

    JOEL: A wink of his eye and a twist of his head ...

    And so, too, did Grumpy Weasel. Both of them leaped
    for the old stone wall.

    TOM: [ As JOEL swings his arms like a baseball umpire ] 'SAFE!'

    And each flashed into a crevice
    between the stones,

    JOEL: [ As Meadow Mouse ] 'Oh uh ... hi. Funny meeting you here?'

    though Grumpy Weasel was ever so much the
    quicker of the two. They knew Solomon Owl's voice too well to
    mistake his odd laughter.

    CROW: Whose?
    JOEL: Naturally.

    "What's your hurry, gentlemen?" Solomon called to

    TOM: Solomon Grund-Owl, born on a Mond-Owl.

    Mild Mr. Meadow Mouse made no reply.

    JOEL: Couldn't quite nail the alliteration.

    But from Grumpy
    Weasel's hiding place an angry hiss told Solomon Owl that one
    of them, at least, had heard his question.

    CROW: Oh no! Daniel Snake is leaking!

    "Come out!" said Solomon Owl. "Don't be shy! I've
    dined already."

    TOM: I just want to snuggle!

    Well, that made the two in the wall feel somewhat

    CROW: Going to ruin things if animals ever discover lying.

    And soon they ventured to peep out and gaze at
    Solomon, to see whether he looked like a person who had just
    enjoyed a good meal.

    JOEL: [ As Solomon ] 'I didn't say I *enjoyed* it, just that I *ate* it.'

    "You're not as hollow as you sound, I hope," Grumpy
    Weasel remarked with some suspicion in his tone.

    TOM: ... the heck?
    CROW: No, no, the logic checks out.

    As for Mr. Meadow Mouse, he wouldn't dream of making
    so rude a remark.

    JOEL: But he's already composing his review on Bird Yelp.
    CROW: [ As Meadow Mouse ] 'Is that a bird? Y-elp!'

    "It's a fine evening and I hope you're feeling
    happy," he piped.

    TOM: Is he signalling for a spy? The smoked cabbage never swings the light anchor.

    "Oh, very! Very!" said Solomon Owl solemnly.

    JOEL: How does a beak make those 'V' sounds?

    Mr. Meadow Mouse was a trusting sort of chap

    CROW: Hardly a week went by a friend didn't trick him into looking up 'gullible' in the dictionary.
    TOM: [ Way too defensive ] Not believing it until you saw the word missing is the *opposite* of gullible!
    CROW: [ Snickering ]

    He was
    all ready to leave his cranny. But Grumpy Weasel was not yet

    JOEL: Not letting you go until you regret talking to him: the Grumpy Weasel Guarantee!

    "Which one of us are you answering?" he demanded of

    CROW: Was ... was there a question?
    TOM: No, but you can take an idle curiosity out of petty thoughts.

    "Him!" said Solomon.

    TOM: That devil guy from the Powerpuff Girls? The heck?

    "Did you say, 'Ahem?'" Grumpy Weasel wanted to know.

    "No, no!" Solomon assured him.

    CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Well, could you? I've go a great joke I need you to set up.'

    "I said, 'him.' I was
    answering your friend."

    TOM: But Grumpy Weasel is a friend to everybody!

    Grumpy Weasel made a wry face, as if he did not care
    to have anybody speak of Mr. Meadow Mouse as a friend of his.

    TOM: Well, almost everybody!

    And he did not quit the stone wall

    JOEL: Oh, you can't just quit a stone wall, you have to give them time to train your replacement wall.
    TOM: Replacement well ...

    until he had seen Mr.
    Meadow Mouse venture forth in safety.

    "Just by accident I overheard your remarks a few
    minutes ago," Mr. Owl explained.

    CROW: Well, Solomon Owl sure wasn't using any hunting ground.

    "I'd like to watch this
    hole-crawling contest.

    JOEL: Pleasant Valley does not have smart phones yet.
    CROW: It's 1915, 'phones' are just hollering.

    And I'll stay here and be the
    umpire---and see that there's fair play."

    TOM: [ As Solomon Owl ] It's a little weird, but I like weird!


    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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