XPost: alt.fan.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k

XVIII

THE LOGGERS COME

MIKE: Episode 18 ... I don't know, the Star Wars movies aren't doing it for me anymore.

Fatty Raccoon was frightened;

CROW: By what? Everyone in the forest mocking him, Jimmy Rabbit shaving him, or Farmer Green's son trapping him?

he had just waked up and he heard a
sound

TOM: 'Waked up'?

that was exactly like the noise Farmer Green and his hired man
had made when they cut down the tall chestnut tree where he was
perched.

MIKE: Major breakthrough in the tree-falling-in-a-forest problem.

"Oh, Mother! What is it?" he cried.

CROW: 'Oh, Mother!'? Is Fatty dressed in a Lord Fauntleroy costume?

"The loggers have come," Mrs. Raccoon said.

MIKE: Yup, this year's got brood-X cicadas and brood-IV loggers.

"They are cutting
down all the big trees in the swamp."

TOM: The final week of _Pogo_.

"Then we'll have to move, won't we?" Fatty asked.

CROW: Picturing Fatty's family tromping off somewhere with a bunch of bindles.
TOM: Oh so cute!

"No! They won't touch this tree," his mother told him.

MIKE: 'They signed my quitclaim deed, the fools!'

"It's
an old tree, and hollow---so they won't chop it down. It's only the good sound trees that they'll take."

CROW: Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

"But I thought this was a good tree." Fatty was puzzled.

TOM: Fatty about to learn his home is actually on the wrong side of the deer tracks.

"So it is, my son! It's a good tree for us.

CROW: Wallpaper peeling off.
MIKE: Cabinet falling loose in the pantry.
TOM: Raccoon infestation ... wait, wait.

But not for the
loggers. They would have little use for it."

CROW: But what if the loggers are just jerks?

Fatty Raccoon felt better when he heard that.

MIKE: Just to be sure, Mom hires a spider to write out 'SOME RACC' in the branches.

And he had a good
deal of fun, peeping down at the loggers and watching them work.

TOM: Joking around with that Robin Williams Bat and watching the loggers summon that liquid ooze monster.

But
he took care that they should not see HIM. He knew what their bright
axes could do.

CROW: They could curl his moustache!

When night came Fatty had still more fun.

MIKE: More fun than watching loggers? Sure you can handle that, Fatty?

When the loggers
were asleep Fatty went to their camp in the woods beside the brook and
he found many good things to eat.

TOM: Ah, playing his hits. Nice.

He did not know the names of all the goodies;

CROW: 'My name's *Jimmy*!'
MIKE: 'Yeah, and I remember your barber shop!

but he ate them just the same. He 'specially liked some
potatoes which the careless cook had left in a pan near the open
camp-fire.

TOM: Potatoes au gratin? In only fifteen minutes!

The fire was out.

MIKE: It had errands in town but if you want to wait, I'll let you know when the fire gets back in.

And the pan rested on a stump close
beside it. Fatty Raccoon climbed up and crawled right inside the pan.

CROW: [ As Fatty ] 'FOUND ANOTHER THE MOON!'

And after he had had one taste of those potatoes he grew so excited---they
were so good---

TOM: They weren't *that* good. They were only *so* good.

that he tipped the pan off the stump and the potatoes
rolled right into the ashes.

MIKE: Oh no, the potatoes are getting dirt on them!

Fatty had jumped to one side, when the tin pan fell.

CROW: [ muttering ] Tin pan ... alley ... all ... eat?
TOM: Needs work.
[ CROW grunts, agreeing ]

It made a
great clatter;

MIKE: Quick, rush to the window and see what's the matter!

and he kept very still for a few moments, while he
listened. But no one stirred.

CROW: Not even a mouse.

And then Fatty jumped plump into the
ashes.

TOM: Hey, Fatty wins a cricket tournament.

WHEW! He jumped out again as fast as he could; for beneath the
ashes there were plenty of hot coals.

MIKE: It's 'hot' as in 'spicy'. Don't be a food wimp.

Fatty stood in them for not more
than three seconds, but that was quite long enough.

TOM: Don't want to over-braise your raccoons.
MIKE: That's ... not braising.

The bottoms of his
feet burned as if a hundred hornets had stung them.

TOM: Is it parboiling?
MIKE: No, not even remotely.



TOM: Sous-vide?
MIKE: I'm not letting you cook anymore.

He stood first on one foot and then on another.

CROW: And still had two feet to go!

If you could
have seen him you would have thought Fatty was dancing.

MIKE: It'd be a cakewalk if someone brought some cake.

And you might
have laughed, because he looked funny.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Hey, I'm in actual pain here! Also I need potatoes.'

But Fatty Raccoon did not laugh. In fact, he came very near
crying.

MIKE: Jeez. This book was fun back when it was Fatty eating sweet corn.
CROW: Tom Batiuk wrote the back half.

And he did not wait to eat another mouthful. He limped along
toward home.

CROW: Loggers wake up to this scene and figure, job well done.

And it was several days before he stirred out of his
mother's house again. He just lay in his bed and waited until his
burns were well again.

TOM: Mom writes a note to keep him home from Raccoon School.

It was very hard.

CROW: I don't know, I wouldn't mind if I had never stirred from bed since 2015.

For Fatty did not like to think of all those
good things to eat that he was missing.

TOM: Like ... sausage and Duraflame logs.

And he hoped the loggers would
not go away before his feet were well again.

MIKE: And before he gets his new tongue installed.
TOM: It's wireless!





[ To be continued ... ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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