• MiSTed: The Tale of Fatty Raccoon, Chapter XI (1 / 1)

    From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Jan 14 22:39:02 2021
    XPost: alt.fan.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k

    And an even more Happy New Year to you all! I decided to carry on MiSTing Arthur Scott Bailey's _The Tale of Fatty Coon_, his 1915 animal-adventure book for kids. And to post one chapter at a time. I have the whole thing, including chapters 1
    through 10, posted at


    So, the first half of this book I've riffed as The Tale of Fatty Coon, because that's how the book is titled. I haven't felt comfortable with the name 'Coon' here, though. I know that anyone reading would understand this is a reference to the
    animal, and not the slur. But this is a goofy little story about a raccoon who eats a lot and whose author hates him. Why force anyone reading this to have to wonder, even briefly, if I'm trying to say something derogatory? So, the change.

    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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  • From Joseph Nebus@21:1/5 to All on Thu Jan 14 22:41:32 2021
    XPost: alt.fan.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k


    CROW: The toll for being in this chapter is the excise tax.
    MIKE: D... do ...

    TOM: Don't encourage him, Mike.
    MIKE; Do I *know* you, Crow?


    TOM: Then the five-day weather and then Mister Food's Test Kitchen.

    It was quite late in the fall,

    CROW: Not so late as to have hit bottom.

    and the weather had grown very
    cold. Mrs. Raccoon and her family had not left their home for several

    MIKE: Join the club.

    but on this day she thought it would be pleasant to go out in
    the sunshine and get a breath of fresh air and a bite to eat.

    TOM: Maybe run down to the comics shop, see if her pulls are in.

    Fatty was the only one of her children that was not asleep;

    CROW: If these are 'Sleepy-Time Tales' why aren't we following the sleeping kids?

    and he complained of being very hungry. So Mrs. Raccoon decided to take
    him with her.

    MIKE: So hard finding a babysitter this time of year.

    The hunting was not very good. There were no birds' eggs at
    all to be found in the trees.

    TOM: [ As Fatty ] ``*Technically* eggs would be found in the *nests* in the trees.''
    MIKE: Great, he's becoming a ``well, actually'' raccoon.

    The river and the brook and the creek
    were all frozen over, so Fatty and his mother could not catch any

    CROW: Fish gathering underneath, sticking their tongues out at the raccoons.

    And as for corn

    MIKE: It's that ``excise'' joke Crow brought.
    CROW: Hey!

    ---Farmer Green had long ago gathered the last
    ear of it. Fatty wished that it was summertime.

    CROW: o/` Summertime's nice with a place to go, bedtime, overtime, halftime too ... o/`

    But it only made him
    hungrier than ever,

    TOM: How?

    to think of all the good things to eat that summer brings. He was feeling very unhappy when his mother said to him

    MIKE: [ As Fatty ] ``Cheddar! I mean, what?''

    "Run up this tree! Hurry, now! Don't ask any questions."

    CROW: [ As Mrs Raccoon ] ``Wait, first put on these clown shoes and don't let this businessman's valise out of your grip! But no questions!''
    TOM; [ As Fatty ] ``Whuh --- huh --- ''
    CROW: [ As Mrs Raccoon ] ``And only answer people who speak to you in Ubby-Dubby!''
    TOM: Pig Raccoon ...

    Now, Fatty did not always mind his mother as quickly as he
    might have.

    MIKE: Why, I've never minded Mrs Raccoon at all. She's always been a wonderful companion and magnificent storyteller.
    CROW: A real raccoonteur?
    MIKE: Yeah, I was leaving that for people to work out on their own.

    But this time he saw that she had stopped and was sniffing
    the air as if there was something about it she did not like.

    That was enough for Fatty. He scrambled up the nearest tree.

    TOM: That's a shrub!
    CROW: Thud! ... OK, well, the second-nearest tree then!

    For he knew that his mother had discovered danger of some sort.

    MIKE: Too late Mrs Raccoon realized the danger was raccoon-eating trees!

    Mrs. Raccoon followed close behind Fatty. And they had no sooner
    hidden in the branches than Fatty saw what it was that his mother had smelled.

    CROW: Tim Horton's doughnuts?

    It was Johnnie Green!

    TOM: Tell us what they've won, Johnnie Green!

    He passed right underneath the tree
    where they were perched. And as Mrs. Raccoon peeped down at him she

    MIKE: 'Peeped'?
    TOM: [ As Mrs Raccoon ] 'If I hear one more peep out of me I'm turning myself around and going home!'

    shuddered and shivered and shook so hard that Fatty couldn't help
    noticing it.

    MIKE: Mrs Raccoon's powering up!

    "What's the matter?" he asked, as soon as Johnnie Green was
    out of sight.

    CROW: Oh, Johnnie's an ex. Messy breakup.

    "His cap!" Mrs. Raccoon exclaimed.

    CROW: That propeller can't be fast enough to lift off!

    "He is wearing a raccoon-skin
    cap!" Now do you wonder that she was upset?

    TOM: Oh.
    MIKE: Yeah, Mom's being fair there.

    "Don't ever go near Farmer Green's house," she warned Fatty. "You don't want to be made into a
    cap, or a pair of gloves, or a coat, or anything like that, do you?"

    CROW: No, I want it to be by my free choice!

    "No, indeed, Mother!" Fatty was quite sure that such an
    adventure wouldn't please him at all.

    TOM: Now, being turned into a beer can cozy? Don't knock *that* until you've tried it.

    And he told himself right then
    and there that he would never go anywhere near Farmer Green's house.

    MIKE: [ As Mrs Raccoon ] 'Now let's explore this tree you found for us!'
    TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'It's, uh, Farmer Green's chimney ... ... ... Sorry?'

    We shall see how well Fatty remembered.

    CROW: Hey, foreshadowing!

    That very afternoon Fatty Raccoon heard some very pleasant news.
    It was Jasper Jay who told him.

    TOM: Oh yeah! The *chapter*!

    Jasper Jay was a very noisy blue jay who lived in the

    CROW: [ As Jasper ] 'You know unlike other blue things I just *look* blue!'
    TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Yes, all things that look blue look blue, that's how looking blue *works*.'

    He did not go south with most of the other birds when
    the cold weather came.

    MIKE: He migrated east. It started one year as a mistake he was too stubborn to admit.

    He liked the winter and he was forever tearing
    about the woods, squalling and scolding at everybody. He was a very
    noisy fellow.

    TOM: Man, Arthur Scott Bailey really makes nature sound like it's full of jerks.

    Well! when Fatty and his mother had reached home after their
    hunt, Fatty stayed out of doors.

    MIKE: What did they hunt?
    TOM: Oh, they went to the thrift scores. Scored this ceramic coaster with the Harvey Wallbanger cartoon guy on it.

    He climbed to the top of a tall pine
    tree nearby and stretched himself along a limb, to enjoy the sunshine,
    which felt very good upon his broad back.

    TOM: Boy, remember being young enough you could just spend the evening flopped out on a pine tree?

    It was there that Jasper Jay
    found him and told him the pleasant news.

    CROW: ``Jules Rivera's doing an AMA? We can ask her why she hates Mark Trail and waits it destroyed? Let's go!''

    And Fatty was very glad to
    hear the news, because he was still hungry.

    This is what Jasper Jay told Fatty: he told him that Farmer
    Green had as many as forty fat turkeys,

    TOM: Fatty wondering if he's being insulted here.

    which roosted every night in a spreading oak in Farmer Green's front yard.

    CROW: Turkeys ... ... roost ... in trees?
    MIKE: I guess?
    CROW: I feel weird.

    "If I liked turkeys I would certainly go down there some night
    and get one," said Jasper Jay.

    MIKE: Wait, that's the whole chapter?
    TOM: ``Jasper Jay Tells Some News, after 800 words about other stuff.''

    -[ to be continued, someday ]-
    Joseph Nebus
    Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
    Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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