XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

[ ALL file in to the theatre. ]

SLEEPY-TIME TALES

TOM: Oh yeah, these guys.

THE TALE OF FATTY COON

CROW: So what exactly happened the first five chapters of this thing?

BY ARTHUR SCOTT BAILEY

MIKE: I remember it. Fatty Coon is a raccoon who eats a lot, and his author hates him. ... There, you're caught up.

VI

TOM: MURIEL!
CROW: THELMA!

FATTY AND THE GREEN CORN

MIKE: That's my favorite psychedelic pop album.

It was mid-summer when Fatty Coon had what he then believed to
be the finest time in all his life.

CROW: When he hijacked that truck carrying cherry pie filling.

And later, when he was older, he
still thought that nothing had ever happened to him that was quite so enjoyable as that surprise his mother gave him when he was a young
coon.

TOM: 'When he was older'? Wait, that means he lives!
MIKE: Hey, spoilers! I haven't read this yet.

Of course it was something to eabtthe surprise. You must have
guessed that, knowing Fatty Coon as you do.

CROW: *I* expected it was going to be the summer he got into voice acting.

"Come, children!" Mrs. Coon said.

MIKE: What do you suppose Fatty's siblings who *didn't* rate their own book are like?

"Come with me! I'm going to
give you a treabtsomething specially nice."

CROW: We're going out to watch 'The Hound That Thought He Was A Raccoon'.

"Is it something to eat?" Fatty asked,

ALL: *Groan*.

as they started off in
the direction of Farmer Green's fields.

"Yebsand the best thing you ever tasted," Mrs. Coon said.

MIKE: It's your enemies coming to you and saying you were right all along! In public!

Fatty was greatly excited. His little bright eyes turned green
in the moonlight.

TOM: Color-shifting raccoon alerts you to open Wifi networks in the area.

He wondered what the surprise would be. And, as
usual, he was very hungry. He walked close beside his mother, for he
wanted to be the first to taste the surprise.

CROW: No, no, you want to smell the surprise, let its aroma paint a picture for your mouth.

You would think that he
would have wanted his two sisters to taste it first, and his brother
Blackie, too. But you must not forget that Fatty was greedy.

CROW: We are incapable of forgetting that Fatty is greedy.
MIKE: On my deathbed, my last thoughts? My family? My friends? My childhood? No, it's going to be 'Fatty is a greedy raccoon'.

And
greedy people are not thoughtful of others.

When Mrs. Coon turned out of the lane and crawled through the
fence, Fatty squeezed between the rails very nimbly, for him.

ALL: [ Grunting, struggling noises. ]

"Here we are!" said his mother.

CROW: Dunkin Donuts!

Fatty looked about him. They stood in a field grown high with
tall stalks of some sort, which turned to green, ribbon-like leaves
half way up from the ground. Fatty grunted. He was very impolite, you
see.

TOM: I hate these corny scenes.
MIKE: [ Lifts a hand to his forehead. ]

"Welblwhat is there to eat that's so fine?" he asked. "This
stuff isn't good. It's like eating reeds." He had already bitten into
one of the stalks.

CROW: [ As Mrs Coon ] 'This, children, is raw High Fructose Corn Syrup!'

"What do you call that?" Mrs. Coon asked. She showed Fatty a
long roll of green that grew out of one of the stalks.

TOM: 'Uh, uh, uh ... walnut trimmings! ... I panicked.'

"That's something like a cattail," said Fatty. "It isn't good
to eat."

"Have you ever tried one?" asked his mother.

MIKE: Fatty's siblings are really engaged with the cornfield here.

"bNno," Patty said. "But Freddie Bluejay told me they weren't
good."

CROW: Patty?

"He did, did he?"

TOM: 'Was this before or after you batter-dipped him?'

Mrs. Coon said nothing more. She stood up on
her hind legs and pulled one of the tall stalks down until she could
reach that long, green thing that grew there.

CROW: [ Flustered ] Um ... oh, gosh, Mrs Coon!

In a jiffy she had torn
it from its stalk.

MIKE: [ Burying his head in his hands. ] Now you've got me thinking it!

And then she stripped the green covering off it.

TOM: I ... I ...

"Try that!" said Mrs. Coon with a smile.

TOM: Yeah, I'm dead. I died. There is no more me.

Of course it was Fatty who tasted it first.

MIKE: Why do you have to do this to us, Crow?

He took a good
mouthful of the white kernels, and he was overjoyed.

CROW: Hey, at least it's not going to get any more ...

Such sweetness!
Such delicious, milky juice! It was a moment that Fatty never forgot.

[ CROW falls over, out of frame. ]

Fatty began tearing down the stalks for himself and he never
said another word until at last he simply had to stop eating just to
catch his breath.

TOM: You suppose this is what it was like when Cookie Monster had his first Thin Mint?

"What's its name, Mother?" he inquired.

CROW: [ Returning ] Hello, Mother ... hello, fodder.

"Corn, my child."

MIKE: [ Mrs Coon ] Uh, is everyone else still with us? You didn't eat your siblings again, did you, Fatty?

"Well, why doesn't Freddie Bluejay like it?" Fatty asked.

"He's probably very fond of corn," said Mrs. Coon.

CROW: And he wants to mess with your head ever since you ate his family.

"And I've
no doubt he was afraid that you would eat up this whole field, once
you started."

TOM: I'm on Freddie's side here.

"I'd like to," said Fatty, with a sigh. "I'd like to eat all
the corn in the world."

CROW: He's, like, this close to being either a Harvey Comics character or a supervillain.

VII

TOM: Sequel to the classic miniseries V.

JOHNNIE GREEN IS DISAPPOINTED

It made Fatty Coon feel sad, just to think that there was that
field full of corn, and that he could never eat all of it.

CROW: Yeah, well, no matter how long you grow your hair you can never have all the hair, ever think of that?

But Fatty
made up his mind that he would do the best he could. He would visit
the cornfield every night and feast on those sweet, tender kernels.

MIKE: You know, this is hard enough without the text making the jokes we want to make about Fatty here.

The very next night Fatty set out toward Farmer Green's. It
was hardly dark. But Fatty could not wait any longer.

CROW: So he stood up and eclipsed the sun.

He could not
even wait for his mother and his sisters and his brother. He hurried
away alone. And when he came in sight of the cornfield he felt better.

TOM: He finally reached the downhill part.

He had been the least bit afraid that the corn might be gone. He
thought that maybe Farmer Green had picked it, or that some of the
forest people had eaten it all.

MIKE: 'The forest people'? The heck?

But there it wabsa forest of corn,

TOM: A jungle of maize.
CROW: A glacial moraine of quinoa.

waving and rustling in the moonlight as the breeze touched it. Fatty
felt very happy as he slipped through the rail-fence.

MIKE: [ Snickering ] How?

I wouldn't dare say how many ears of corn Fatty ate that
night.

TOM: Numbers don't run that high.

And he would have eaten more, too, if it hadn't been for just
one thing. A dog barked. And that spoiled Fatty's fun.

MIKE: Now he had to post something snarky about the dog on Twitter.

For the dog was altogether too near for Fatty to feel safe. He even dropped the ear of
corn he was gnawing and hurried toward the woods.

CROW: '*Dropped* the ear of corn'? Not buying it.

It was lucky for Fatty that he started when he did.

TOM: 'Hey, look, a raccoon!'

For that
dog was close behind him in no time. There was only one thing to do:
Fatty knew that he must climb a tree at once. So he made for the
nearest tree in sighbta big, spreading oak, which stood all alone just
beyond the fence.

MIKE: [ As the tree ] 'I'm sure my friends will be back for me any day now.'

And as Fatty crouched on a limb he felt safe enough,
though the dog barked and whined, and leaped against the tree, and
made a great fuss.

TOM: [ The dog, as Margaret Dumont ] 'Oh, Mister Firefly!'

Fatty looked down at the dog and scolded a little. He was not
afraid.

CROW: [ Fatty, to narrator ] 'I'm not?!'

But it made him cross to be driven out of the cornfield. And
he wished the dog would go away.

CROW: [ Fatty, as Groucho ] 'Why can't I dance with the cows until you come home?'

But the dobgit was Farmer Green's
Spobtthe dog had no idea of leaving.

MIKE: [ As Groucho ] 'Rush to Freedonia! One raccoon is trapped in a tree! Send help at once!'
TOM: 'If you can't send help send two more trees.'

He stayed right there and barked
so loudly that it was not long before Farmer Green and his hired man
came in sight. And with them was Johnnie Green and a little, young dog
that had just been given to him.

MIKE: Ooh, puppers!
CROW: Who's a good boy? Is it you?

When Farmer Green saw Fatty he seemed disappointed.

TOM: 'Aw, man, Fatty Coon? Why couldn't we be in The Tale of Frisky Squirrel instead?'

"He's too
young to bother with," he said. "His skin's not worth much.

CROW: Well, yeah, but you multiply that by the size and ...

We'll go
'long and see what we can find."

But Johnnie Green stayed behind. He wanted that young coon.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'You only want me because you don't know me!'

And he intended to have him, too. Leaving the young dog to watch Fatty
Coon,

CROW: [ Dog, as Margaret Dumont ] 'Mister Firefly! Are you still here?'
MIKE: [ Fatty, as Groucho ] 'No, no, I just went up this tree to leaf.'

Johnnie went back to the farmhouse. After a while he appeared
again with an axe over his shoulder. And when he began to chop away at
the big oak, Fatty Coon felt very uneasy.

TOM: You can't cut this down for your Christmas tree! It's not tagged.

Whenever Johnnie drove his
axe into the tree, both the tree and Fatty shivered together.

CROW: Fatty's going to be wobbling for *days* after this.

And
Fatty began to wish he had stayed away from the cornfield. But not for
long, because Johnnie Green soon gave up the idea of chopping down the
big oak.

MIKE: But his plan is foolproof, unless raccoons can jump out of trees!

The wood was so hard to cut, and the tree was so big, that
Johnnie had not chopped long before he saw that it would take him all
night to cut through it. He looked up longingly at Fatty Coon.

TOM: o/` Sometimes, when we touch ... the honesty's too much ... o/`

And
Johnnie started to climb the tree himself. But the higher he climbed,
the higher Fatty climbed. And Johnnie knew that he could never catch
that plump young coon in that way.

MIKE: [ As Johnnie ] 'I don't get it, I saw the Kratt Brothers try this.'
TOM: Did they catch the raccoon?
MIKE: 'No, but they did *this*.'

At last Johnnie Green started off, calling his dog after him.
And then Fatty Coon came down. But he did not go back to the
cornfield. He decided that he had had adventures enough for one night.

CROW: 'On to Farmer Green's workshed!'

But Fatty had learned somethinbgat least he thought he had. For he
made up his mind that once he climbed a tree, no man could reach him.
TREES COULD NOT BE CHOPPED DOWN!

TOM: Fatty's become a sawing denier?
CROW: 'But Fatty, what about --- '
MIKE: 'STUMPS ARE A NATURAL FLUCTUATION!'

That was what Fatty believed. Perhaps
you will know, later, whether Fatty ever found out that he was
mistaken.

CROW: 'But about this pile of logs?'
MIKE: 'IT'S A CONSPIRACY BY BIG TIMBER!'
TOM: That's ... true.

VIII

MIKE: Chapter VI, part II.

A TERRIBLE FRIGHT

CROW: o/` Let's give thanks to the Lord above ... o/`

It was the very next night after old dog Spot had treed Fatty
Coon in the big oak near the cornfield. They had finished their
evening meal at Farmer Green's house. The cows were milked, the horses
had been fed, the chickens had all gone to roost.

CROW: Wh ... wait, chickens actually do that? Like, for real?
MIKE: [ Shrugs ]

And Farmer Green
looked up at the moon, rising from behind Blue Mountain.

"We'll go coon-hunting again to-night," he said to Johnnie

MIKE: Uhm.

and
the hired man. "The corn has brought the coons up from the swamp.

TOM: Yeah, thanks, this story was feeling real comfortable up to now.

We'll start as soon as it grows a little darker."

Welblafter a while they set out for the cornfield. And sure
enough! old Spot soon began to bark.

CROW: [ As Fatty ] Snitch.

"He's treed!" said Farmer Green, pretty soon. And they all
hurried over to the edge of the woods,

TOM: [ As Farmer Green ] 'Where's that forest?'

where Spot had chased a coon up
into a tall chestnut tree. In the moonlight they could see the coon
quite plainly. "Another little feller!" cried Farmer Green.

CROW: Little?
MIKE: Most improbable thing Fatty's ever been called.

"I
declare, all the coons that come to the cornfield seem to be young
ones. This one's no bigger than the one we saw last night."

TOM: [ As Fatty ] I'm still big. It's the *trees* that got small.

Now, although Farmer Green never guessed it, it was Fatty Coon
who was up there in the tall chestnut.

CROW: It could've been *any* raccoon heavy enough the tree bends over.
TOM: And sinks three feet into the ground.

He had run almost to the woods
this time, before he had to take to a tree.

MIKE: He'd have got to the woods if he hadn't got to the tree?
TOM: I ... I was joking before.

In fact, if Spot hadn't
been quite so close to him Fatty could have reached the woods, and
then he would have just jumped from one tree to another.

MIKE: Jumped, rolled by Oompa-Loompas, whatever.

But there
were no trees near enough the big chestnut for that. Fatty had to stay
right there and wait for those men to pass on. He wasn't afraid.

CROW: [ Fatty ] 'I'M NOT?!'

He
felt perfectly safe in his big tree. And he only smiled when Johnnie
Green said to his fathebr

"I wish I had that young coon. He'd make a fine pet."

MIKE: On what grounds do you make that claim?

"A pet!" exclaimed Farmer Green. "You remember that pet fox
you had, that stole my chickens?"

CROW: Yeah, just letting you know if we're reading The Tale of Tommy Fox I'm outta here.

"Oh, I'd be careful," Johnnie promised. "Besides, don't you
think we ought to catch him, so he won't eat any more corn?"

TOM: Pets, famously, eat no food.

Farmer Green smiled. He had been a boy himself, once upon a
time,

CROW: In the Tale of Ferdinand Farmer.

and he had not forgotten the pet coon that he had owned when he
was just about Johnnie's age.

MIKE: The raccoon says he owned a pet boy when he was about Fatty's age.

"All right!" he said at last. "I'll give you one more chance,
Johnnie.

CROW: Now recant everything bad you ever said about springs!

But you'll have to see that this young coon doesn't kill any
of my poultry."

TOM: Maybe train Fatty to do some light filing and typing ...

Johnnie promised that nothing of the sort should happen. And
then his father and the hired man picked up their axes;

MIKE: His mom sets up her drum kit ...

and standing
on opposite sides of the tall chestnut tree, they began to chop.

CROW: [ Farmer ] Ow!
TOM: [ Hired Hand, immediately after CROW finishes ] Ow!
CROW: [ Farmer, immediately after TOM finishes ] Ow!
TOM: [ Hired Hand, immediately after CROW finishes ] Ow!

How the chips did fly! At the very first blow Fatty knew that

CROW: [ Farmer, immediately after TOM finishes ] Ow!
TOM: [ Hired Hand, immediately after CROW finishes ] Ow!

this was an entirely different sort of chopping from that which

CROW: [ Farmer, immediately after TOM finishes ] Ow!
TOM: [ Hired Hand, immediately after CROW finishes ] Ow!

Johnnie had attempted the night before. The great tree shook as if it

CROW: [ Farmer, immediately after TOM finishes ] Ow!
TOM: [ Hired Hand, immediately after CROW finishes ] Ow!

knew that it would soon come crashing down upon the ground.

CROW: [ Farmer, immediately after TOM finishes ] Ow?

And as for Fatty Coon, he could not see but that he must fall
when the tree did.

TOM: It's only fair.

He, too, shivered and shook. And he wrapped himself
all the way around a limb and hung on as tight as ever he could.

MIKE: Oh no!
TOM: Oh goodness!
CROW: Whatever's going to happen?



MIKE: Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment of ...

IX

MIKE: Oh, we're just continuing right now, then.

JOHNNIE GREEN LOSES HIS PET

TOM: Oh.
CROW: Short chapter.

Now, Farmer Green and his hired man had not chopped long
before they stopped to breathe.

TOM: Now, not telling you your business, but if you breathed *while* chopping you'd be done in like half the time.

They had not chopped lonbgbut oh! what
great, yawning holes they had made in the big chestnut!

MIKE: Frisky Squirrel pops out to ask why the heck you're dragging *him* into *your* Drama.

From the limb
where he clung Fatty Coon looked down. The tree no longer shook. And
Fatty felt better at once.

TOM: Well, once the wobbling dies down anyway.

You see, he thought that the men would go
away, just as Johnnie had gone away the night before. But they had no
such idea at all.

CROW: [ As Fatty ] 'A-HEM! I SAID, you're GOING AWAY, just as Johnnie had gone away the night before!'

"Which way are you going to fell her?" the hired man asked. He
said HER, meaning the TREE, of course.

MIKE: The more people use 'fell' as a verb the less I believe it is one.

"That way!" said Farmer Green, pointing toward the woods.

TOM: Pointing down.
MIKE: [ As Johnnie ] 'Oooooooohhhhh.'

"We'll have to drop her that way, or she'll fall right across the
road, and of course THAT would never do."

CROW: It'd be a fun little surprise for rush hour, though.

"But will she clear the trees on the edge of the woods?" The
hired man appeared somewhat doubtful.

"Oh, to be surbeto be sure!" answered Farmer Green.

MIKE: [ As the hired hand ] 'So you're sure?'
TOM: [ As Farmer Green ] 'Eh, we give it a try, we see what happens.'

And with that they set to work again. But this time they both
chopped on the same side of the trebethe side toward the woods.

CROW: [ As Fatty ] 'You guys do know I'm in the other tree, right?'
TOM, MIKE: D'oh!

Now, if Fatty Coon was frightened before, you will believe
that he was still more frightened when the big chestnut tree began to
sag.

MIKE: [ As Fatty ] 'No, no, trees sagging is pretty normal, thanks.'

Yes! it began to lean toward the woods. Slowly, slowly it tipped.

TOM: Step by step! Inch by inch!

And Fatty was scared half out of his mind. He climbed to the very top
of the tree, because he wanted to get just as far away from those men
as he could. And there he waited.

CROW: [ As Fatty ] 'If I wait long enough the tree will grow taller and I'll be farther away!'

There was nothing else he could do.
Yes! he waited until that awful moment should come when the tree would
go crashing down upon the ground. What was going to happen to him
then? Fatty wondered.

TOM: What was going to happen to the *ground*?

And while he was wondering there sounded all at
once a great snapping and splitting.

MIKE: [ As Fatty ] 'No, no, it's just my pants ... wait ... I don't wear pants! AAAAAUGH!'

And Fatty felt the tree falling, falling. He could hear Johnnie Green shouting. And he shut his eyes
and held fast to his branch. Then came the crash.

TOM: o/` Leader of the pack! o/`

When Fatty Coon opened his eyes he expected to see Johnnie
Green all ready to seize him. But to his great surprise he was still
far above the ground. You see, Farmer Green had been mistaken.

CROW: It turns out Fatty was a sparrow all along!

Either
the big chestnut tree was taller than he had guessed, or the woods
were nearer than he had thought.

MIKE: [ Hired hand ] 'Maybe chopped trees don't fall, you ever think of that, Mr Green?'
TOM: [ Farmer Green ] 'Maybe we need to update the BIOS?'

For instead of dropping upon the
ground, Fatty's tree had fallen right against another tree on the edge
of the woods.

CROW: [ As Other Tree ] 'Let me bear you in your troubles as you bore me in mine, my brother!'

And there it lay, half-tipped over, with its branches
caught fast in the branches of that other tree.

TOM: [ As Fatty's Tree ] 'My faithful friend! Let your name be recalled as long as the world-forest thrives!'

It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted.

CROW: [ As Johnny ] 'Hey! There's no fulcrums in raccoon-catching!'

And he shouted
still more loudly when he saw Fatty scramble out of the big chestnut
and into the other tree,

TOM: [ As Fatty's Tree, burden relieved ] 'Aaahhhhh.'
CROW: [ As Other Tree, burdened ] 'Oooof!'

and out of that tree and into another,

CROW: [ As Other Tree, burden relieved ] 'Aaahhhhh.'
MIKE: [ As Another Tree, burdened ] 'Oooof!'

and
then out of THAT tree.

MIKE: [ As Another Tree, burden relieved ] 'Aaahhhhh.'
CROW: [ As Next Tree, burdened ] 'Oooof!'

Fatty was going straight into the woods.

CROW: [ As Next Tree, burden relieved ] 'Aaahhhhh.'
TOM: [ As Next-after Tree, burdened ] 'Oooof!'

It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted. For he had lost
his pet coon. He had lost him before he ever had him. And he was sadly disappointed.

MIKE: Ferdinand Frog and Dickie Deer Mouse look at this scene and hide out of Johnnie's sight.

But Fatty Coon was not disappointed, for he had not wanted to
be a pet at all.

CROW: Until he hears about how pets get fed every day.
MIKE: Um, it's 1915. They hadn't discovered taking care of pets back then.

And he was very glad---you may be sure---to get safely
home once more.

TOM: I *may* be sure, but I'm not perfectly convinced.




CROW: That's enough. You think ...
MIKE: Yeah. Let's blow this popsicle stand, yeah.

[ ALL file out ]



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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and settings and concept are the property of Satellite of Love, LLC. I'm just playing with their toys until any of them notices. _The Tale of Fatty Coon_ was written by Arthur Scott Bailey and
published in 1915, so it's the common property of all humanity to enjoy and develop and use as any and all of us see fit.

Keep Usenet circulating, says the guy who's posted as recently as August to it.

"I'd like to," said Fatty, with a sigh. "I'd like to eat all
the corn in the world."

--
Joseph Nebus
Math: I Got Arithmetic Wrong And Learned Writing https://wp.me/p1RYhY-1J2 Humor: Everything About The History of Technology https://wp.me/p37lb5-2G6 --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------

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