[JONAH and THE BOTS reenter the theater.]

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if
dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent >lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

JONAH: Oh yeah, I was really missing that strong friendship that Harry and Snape had forged in the books.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry
against the tree where I did it with Draco.

TOM: [Enoby] I thought that the used condoms would add to the ambience of my emotional breakdown.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything
started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like
Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t
gothic.

CROW: You mean he wasn’t an obnoxious poser who had taken over the body of a
beloved character?

It was…… Voldemort!

JONAH: Writer’s tip 129: If you want your readers to be suprised by the identity
of a new character entering a scene, try not to describe them as
literally looking like said character.
TOM: Writer’s tip 146: Try not to use the phrase “All of a suddenly…”

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t
run away.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

CROW: Screaming in laughter, I presume.
JONAH: [Enoby] Crap! Why did I think that throwing an oversized tabby cat at him would work?

I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

CROW: So she’s a sadist, I see. That explains a lot.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

JONAH: [Voldemort] But would thou mindest writing some sonnets for me first?

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face
looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I
thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke
up?

JONAH: [Attenborough] As the elder wizard stalks his prey, he stands, taken
aback, watching her with curious eyes as she starts mumbling to herself. TOM: [Enoby] Um, Voldemort, would you mind holding off on the menacing threats
for a little bit? I have some issues to work through here.
CROW: Enoby finds herself puzzled by the concept of linear time.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

TOM: Well, we know the author’s American at least.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

JONAH: [Valley Girl Voldemort] Like, guy! It’s, like, all over school you guys
are doing it.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou
know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his
broomstick.

CROW: Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Dealing with a mildly perturbed teenage
girl drives him into a rage.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the
woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and
messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard
Way.

TOM: I will be refusing to dignify that “pun” with a response.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making
out.

JONAH: Ah, young love, exciting and new. Think about it, won’t you?

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary
isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

CROW: Reading these author’s notes every chapter is tiring enough for me, I
can’t imagine what it’s like for the author as they expel them onto the
keyboard.
JONAH: [Reporter] Well a very very heavay uh…heavay… duh…burtation tonight. We
had a very darist darison. Bite, let’s go ahead and terish tazen low
shklibet that had the pep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with
my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

TOM: [Enoby] We couldn’t decide which name we liked best, so we just used them
all!

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.

JONAH: [Enoby] Well, air guitar.

People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other >people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him
Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

CROW: ...and that’s the most characterization he’ll get.

and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming
and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t
die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a
c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)

TOM: A vampire’s biggest weakness is their constantly clogged arteries. JONAH: Well, Draco has had some trouble with plaque buildup because of all the
blood he drinks.
CROW: What about refusing to write t-h-i-s s-t-o-r-y instead?

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put
on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said
Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

CROW: You also might think I’m a writer, but I’m really not.
JONAH: OK, that’s enough for now.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into
tears.

JONAH: [Chuckles] It never gets old.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

TOM: The concertina was an odd addition to the band’s instrumentation, but most
hardcore fans of Bloody Gothic Rose 666 say that it’s really what makes
their songs “sing.”

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came
and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him,
because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then
Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

JONAH: [B'loody Mary] Yeah, that certainly is a pickle. Hey, what do you think
the Great Hall is having for lunch?

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

TOM: Now see, *this* is what Polonius should have done.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser
muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

JONAH: Woah, woah, hey now. Let’s cool it a bit with the foul language.
CROW: I know. “Poser”? That’s a bridge too far, Draco.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour.

ALL: [Laugh]
TOM: [Enoby] Well, anyway, now that that’s over with.

Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this
time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

JONAH: He had been listening to their music.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis
time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)

TOM: Jonah, can you check my Scrabble tiles for me? I need to figure out what I
can play off of c and y.

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

CROW: But, but..you just said that-
JONAH: Crow, what did I tell you?
CROW: But Jonah, she just said that he couldn’t...Agh!

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp
c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

TOM: This chapter deals with really “sris” issues like Chud Abs and Drag Acting.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck
off and I ran to my room crying myself.

CROW: [Daphne from “Hobgoblins”] You and your stupid thoughtfulness can go to
hell!

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room
cause he would look like a perv that way.

JONAH: And as we’ve already established in this story, Hogwarts has an
impeccable, professional reputation that must be upheld.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over
my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin
Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit
suicide.

TOM: [Tour Guide] Students at Hogwarts are provided with the most luxurious
amenities possible. Each bathroom comes equipped with its own meat locker
featuring multiple rows where students can store a variety of cuts of beef.
Steak, ground chuck, there’s even a drawer for vegetables. All this can be
yours for 80,000 pounds a year.

I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress
with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends
and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it.

CROW: [Enoby] Hey! My conspicuous consumption isn’t curing my depression!
Instead it’s just making me feel emptier and emptier inside. What gives?

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was >taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their
broomsticks.

ALL: [Laugh]
JONAH: Plus, to make matters worse, the two of them were looking at *thespian*
porn!
CROW: That’s an odd detail to end on. Good to know they’re not floating in
midair I guess.
TOM: Tara must have added that in in the editing process to avoid any lawsuits
from Stephen King.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR >WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.
Suddenly Vampire ran in.

TOM: [Vampire] I sense the presence of Marilyn Manson.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

CROW: So this is gonna be one of those fanfics, huh? OK, I can roll with that.

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started
screaming and the camera broke.

JONAH: So this is gonna be one of those Tarantino films, huh? OK, I can roll
with that.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has >NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved >his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

JONAH: So Dumbledore’s pretty much given up at this point, right?

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

TOM: [Disembodied voice] Oh, and uh, WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES as well.

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A
SATANIST!”

CROW: To be fair, that appears to be a prerequisite for attending Hogwarts these
days.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand
where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him.

JONAH: The dripping hand was a bit diminished by the rivers of blood pouring
from Snape’s “gazillion” gunshot wounds.

“There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

TOM: Tonight, on Crossfire!

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape
is still there!”

CROW: And tapes never forget!

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink >enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands
on his clook.

CROW: Hey, do you think she means cloak or co-
JONAH: Cloak, she means cloak.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not >know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood >because I felt faint.

TOM: Two compelling, yet vastly divergent points of action. Let’s make a list of
the pros and cons of each, shall we? One, feeling shocked and happy. The
pros to this are the warm feelings that are soon to be coursing through
your body, and making you-
JONAH: Tom, buddy, are you OK?
CROW: I think the fanfic’s made him snap, best to let him wind down on his own.
TOM: -Of course, if one is a believer in Reginald’s theory, that at any given
moment, each human has a set amount, or “reservoir,” to use the common
parlance, of happiness to draw on, which….(continues talking under the
text)

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving
his wand in the air.

JONAH: [Singing] Wave your wand in the air like you just don’t care!

Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 >Cent.

CROW: Oh good, rock rap remixes. That’s just what this story was missing.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was
afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

JONAH: [In a baby voice] Snape had seen a weely cweepy picture of Satan in his
pop up book and he was afraideded that Enoby and her friends were weely
bad people.

TOM: ...which of course would lead to Hagrid’s untimely death. So in summary, wait, where am I?

“Because I LOVE HER!”

JONAH: [Singing softly] You gave me faith ‘cause you believed.
TOM: [Singing softly] I’m everything I am
CROW: [Shouting] Because YOU LOVED ME!

<Commercial Bumper>

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik >dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

CROW: [Tara] Please see my policy paper on this topic that was submitted before
the Subcommittee on Education this past Wednesday.

how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat
was sedric ok!

TOM: [Tara] I don’t know how you can all expect me to remember something as
irrelevant as my characters’ names! Sheesh!

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case
anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I
knew that we must both go together.

JONAH: Oh right, I forgot about that time when Drago left Gondor to fight with
the Rohirrim and gave Enoby his silver knife.
CROW: I think that scene was only in the Sillyrillion.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.

TOM: That’s not actually Enoby’s inner monologue; we’re just reading Tara’s
stream of consciousness as she tries to remember who’s in this scene.

He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes
rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

JONAH: Well, that’s certainly a neat trick, I suppose.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

TOM: [Starts out conversationally] Hey you guys, I’m sorry, but could you please
tell me… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
CROW: Yeah, can we go back to when the story was just Enoby raiding Hot Topic
and listening to pop punk bands?

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with
foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning
bolt! Save me!

JONAH: Oh that’s no big deal. It just means that Athena is about to burst out of
your head fully formed.

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him
bondage!”

TOM: I know that might sound weird, but J.K. Rowling did just tweet last night
about Voldemort’s interest in the Wizarding World’s S&M scene.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists Snap and
Loopin and HAHRID

JONAH: Gesundheit!

were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were
pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot
gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.

CROW: That’s a lot more information about Dumbledore’s sexual proclivities than
I care to know.
TOM: [Dumbledore] I swear to to God, doc, I fell at *just* the right angle.

I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

TOM: [“Hargrid”] These were p. expensive, so you better be s. nice to me, OK?

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like
fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being
gottik.

JONAH: [Enoby] He kept trying to get me to be “gothic,” whatever that means.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had
brought me pink roses.

TOM: [Laura Wingfield] Actually, I prefer Blue Roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from
getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and
Loopin.”

CROW: Ah, 2007, when Paris Hilton was shorthand for celebrity scandal, instead
of whichever Kardashian has popped into relevancy this month.

Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

TOM: [Krusty] Oh wait, I said the misspelled party loud, and the correctly
spelled part quietly.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

JONAH: [Girly Voice] Whatever! You don’t know me!

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at
them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all
you haD TO SAY! .

TOM: The Magical World was suffering from a dearth of quotation marks in those
days.

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

JONAH: Ah yes, that font of wisdom, AZLyrics.com
CROW: Oh, that explains things. Enoby has just been using her limited brain
power to memorize MCR lyrics.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus
merengo mi kremicli romacio

TOM: I know that the Vatican is still coming up with new Latin vocabulary words
but this is ridiculous.

(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you
girl!)imo noto okayo!”

JONAH: Foul, that’s just Pig Latin!

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And
it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

TOM: [Enoby] A prep would never be able to make a black flame *black* as well.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

CROW: [Hagrid] What the fuck is Drako? Hoo boy, do you have a couple hours?

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz
n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

JONAH: Wow. Uh, congratulations goes to the word “find,” I guess for being the
only thing spelled correctly in that entire sentence.
CROW: Go home Dumblydore, you’re drunk!
TOM: Dumbledore’s one of those 50 year olds that discovers texting for the first
time and completely overdoes it.

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.

TOM: [Hagrid] I was on a yoga retreat when I had the idea for a Coca-Cola ad,
OK!

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have
said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

CROW: I understand why Dumbledore didn’t say anything back. You just can’t argue
with toddlers.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was
all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I
put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong
on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u
don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black
eyeliner and black lip gloss.

TOM: [Enoby] Thank God I’m out of the hospital. I was suffering from ridiculous
outfit withdrawl.

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly.

JONAH: Oh no, Tara’s discovered anime. Run!
[All scream in terror.]

“Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my
wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

CROW: [Enoby] Hmm, that’s weird. I don’t recall having corndogs.

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy

on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic
Creatures.

TOM: A very specific discipline, but it has its fans.
CROW: I didn’t know Hogwarts had a cosmetology school.
JONAH: [Vampire] Help, I’ve fallen inside of a mammoth’s fur and I can’t get
out!

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in
love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way.

[GYPSY descends into the theater to pick up her payload.]

GYPSY: Hasn’t Vampire ever been told that he shouldn’t talk with his mouth full?

“Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so
much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each
other.

JONAH: [ala Joel in “Eegah”] I guess they’re working through their grief.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was >watching us and so was everyone else.

CROW: [“McGoggle”] Don’t make me yell more goofy British insults at you!

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved
Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

TOM: [Enoby] He’s my sister, he’s my daughter, he’s my sister, he’s my daughter!

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. .
his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

CROW: Wait a second...This sounds familiar

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

CROW: Oh crap, the film broke!

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with
foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was
happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

JONAH: Maybe the characters will actually DO SOMETHING about it this time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

TOM: [Tara] You’re the one that took that advanced class in copyright law. I can
only read at a 1st grade level.

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

CROW: [Tara] OH WAT, NEVER MIND I WARING IT.

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such
a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

JONAH: I’m actually finding these author’s notes about missing sweaters and
Gerard Way posters more riveting than the actual story. Anyone else?
TOM AND CROW: Oh yeah, yeah.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

JONAH: [Dumbledore] I’m trying to watch my stories in here.

“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time.

TOM: [Enoby] Jinx! You owe me a Coke.

He laughed in an evil voice.

CROW: So if a headache is the excuse for Dumbledore cursing, the explanation for
this will be what, malaria?

“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how
much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned
looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away.

JONAH: [Dumbledore] Bye Felicia!
TOM: Dumbledore is quickly becoming my favorite character in this story.

Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

JONAH: [Tara] You know, when they don’t have AIDS and stuff, as previously
mentioned.

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood.
Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

CROW: [Vampire] I had an idea once, two years ago! Haven’t really done much since.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we
were in Voldemprt’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”

TOM: [Announcer] Everyone please welcome our next performer, about to start his three week residency at the Copacabana. I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t’s Mohammed!

It was……………………………….. Voldemort!

CROW: Finally!
JONAH: And now it’s time for us to leave.
TOM: Aw, actually leaving us on a cliffhanger? Making us actually want to read
more? You’re good Kinga!

<Door sequence>

[Back on the SOL Bridge, JONAH and THE BOTS are standing around, agony reflected
in their faces and voices. JONAH rubs his temples, and then goes on to rub TOM and CROW’s throughout the next scene.]

JONAH: Wow, some story today, huh guys?

TOM: You’re telling me, Jonah! We’ve had some bad stuff over the years, but this
has to be up there as one of the worst.

CROW: It does make me long for the sweet release of an early Ratliff.

JONAH: Ratliff? Is that one of the guys that you had to read before?

CROW: One of them. [Pause.] Hey Jonah, I could put a reading list together for
you if you wanted to catch up. [Laughs.]

JONAH: Hmmm...your maniacal laughter does give me pause, but…. [Cheery] Sure,
what the hell?

TOM: Oh Jonah, Jonah, we’ve got quite a list to put together for you. Crow, come
over here and let’s confer. [CROW comes over to TOM and they huddle
together, loudly whispering. Their conversation is mostly indecipherable
but every so often a name will be heard.]....Guerin!.....Clare Mosely…
.Gonterman, of course!.....Oscar?

[The two of them zoom off on the left side of the bridge. GYPSY enters from the
right side of the bridge.]

GYPSY: I don’t know, Jonah. I think you might have given those two guys some bad
ideas.

JONAH: Oh I don’t know. It’s just fanfiction. How bad could it be? I mean what
we read today was pretty bad, but…[To himself.] Actually, now that I
think about it, it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced! And
I just agreed to read more of this? [To TOM and CROW offscreen] Um, guys?

[The whispering noises stop, and TOM and CROW enter the bridge, and move over towards JONAH. CROW is holding a long computer printout in his beak.]

TOM: Ok, so we’ve put together a syllabus for you.

[CROW awkwardly places it on the counter.]

CROW: It’s only 200 sheets long. We had a couple dozen more pages, but we
weren’t sure if you would be able to handle them. How tolerant are you of
tentacles?

JONAH: Not very? Look, I don’t know about this. I mean, sure, I’ve written some
fanfic myself back in the day-

CROW: Woah! Back up, buddy.

TOM: You wrote fanfic?

GYPSY: Way to bury the lead, Jonah.

JONAH: Oh, it wasn’t anything major. Just the kind of stuff kids in the 90’s
always wrote.

TOM: Go on.

JONAH: You know, stuff like The Backstreet Boys meets Scooby-Doo.

CROW: Huh?

JONAH: There was one where the Super Mario Bros. had to team up with the cast of
Moonlighting to solve a murder. Which of course led them to the world of
Yu-Gi-Oh.

CROW: Those are certainly some….interesting crossovers.

JONAH: Oh, they weren’t all crossovers. I had one where the cast of Naruto
bought a horse farm and got mixed up with local politics and zoning
issues in the Midwest.

TOM: I see…

JONAH: Oh wait, I forgot. There is a cameo from a Mr. Smith when they all have
to go to Washington to do battle with an evil peregrine falcon that’s
masquerading as the Senior Senator from South Dakota. He’s obviously too
young to be the Jimmy Stewart character, but [Chuckles to himself] I like
to think that they’re all part of the Capra Cinematic Universe. You know,
I think I might have some lying around on a hard drive somewhere.

TOM: [Quickly] Oh no, that’s OK. Oh look, the Mads are calling. [Nervous
laughter.] Any more fanfics for us, by any chance?

CROW: Preferably ones without anime zoning battles.

JONAH: Hey!

GYPSY: I’d like to read some, Jonah.

[MOON BASE 13. MAX is typing furiously on a laptop while KINGA paces around dictating to him.]

KINGA: How about this? Instead of suggesting videos that complement and provide
more context for the previous ones, we design a service that just
suggests videos that dive further into the viewer’s fears and prejudices?

MAX: Yes, yes, Kinga! Your evilness truly knows no bounds. [Keeps typing, then
looks up disappointed.] Oh...It looks like that’s been taken too.

KINGA: Blast it! What is an evil genius supposed to do when all the great ideas
have been used already? Isn’t there any method to take advantage of web
users that hasn’t been implemented yet?

MAX: Don’t worry Kinga. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

KINGA: [Sighs] I guess I’ll have to take some time to think things over. [Looks
up at the viewscreen.] Oh don’t worry Jonah, my dear. I haven’t forgotten
about you. There’s 31 more chapters of “My Immortal” waiting, just
waiting, for someone to come along and read them. [Laughs maniacally]
Until next time, push the button Max!

<Viewscreen closes>

<Ending theme plays>

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CREDITS

Mystery Science Theater 3000
Created By
Joel Hodgsen

MST: My Immortal
Written By
Yesmar


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