[continued from previous message]

TOM: [Enoby] I can not believe that you are not Team Jacob!

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”


JONAH: Hi everyone, we’d like to take some time out of this MSTing to let you all know that being HIV positive isn’t anything to be shamed for or used as the basis for some cheap joke. Maybe Tara Gillespie and the rest of us can come together and
learn something about each other for the rest of this story, and maybe just maybe [Jonah rambles on quietly under the next bit of text]

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

JONAH: Aaaand now we’re back.

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

CROW: [Dumbledore] Hey, you stole my shitty characterization!

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

JONAH: So only preps floss in this universe?
TOM: Jonah, you have to understand that proper dental care takes up precious minutes that could be better used applying pounds of eyeliner.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.

JONAH: [Draco] It happens to every guy, OK!

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.

CROW: Well, there’s a first for something in this story.

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

JONAH: [Race announcer] And the narration has veered wildly off course, crashing into the nearby stands.
TOM: Why does it feel like Tyler Durden just spliced in a frame from a different movie?

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.

CROW: [Boggy Creek Child] And then, and then, a unicorn showed up and gave everyone candy, but the candy turned into worms so a, a, a, a werewolf showed up an turned everything back.
JONAH: [Boggy Creek Mother] Uh huh, and what was the unicorn’s name honey?

She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )


TOM: So, the character is basically Hermione in name only, except for the fact that her name’s not even Hermione.
JONAH: Pretty much, yeah.
CROW: I mean, she’s female. Got that going for her at least.
JONAH: Yeah, and she’s the same age that Hermione was at some point in her life.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.


JONAH [Snape]: You clinking clanking collection of collgenous junk!

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.


JONAH: Huh?
CROW: Er...cut! Are we allowed to say that?
TOM: [Director] Ebony, honey, I think you missed a couple lines.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart.

JONAH: [Draco] Welcome to my dimension reader!
TOM: And now we’re in “The Sound and the Fury” apparently.

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

CROW: [Draco] Even though I just said I went out with him before he was gothic.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.


TOM: ... I mean sometimes, you gotta just let this stuff speak for itself. JONAH: Let’s go guys.

<Door Sequence>

[SOL Bridge. TOM and CROW are wearing archaic looking helmets, and decked out in
what appear to be animal skins. A shield hangs across each of their chests. JONAH enters.]

JONAH: Hey everyone, welcome back to- [Looks at TOM and CROW.] What are you
guys up to?

TOM: Well Jonah, while reading today’s story we thought that being a Goth
sounded like a lot of fun, so Crow and I decided to go online and see what
we needed to put together in order to take part in the Gothic lifestyle.

CROW: Yeah! We’ll be yelling at teachers and skipping out on class in no time!

JONAH: I see, I see, and when you Googled “goth” you got-

TOM: Oh, so many results Jonah. Sacking Rome, creating a large Medieval empire…

CROW: I had no clue that Enoby’s forebears were so notable….[Aside]Not sure
where things went wrong there.

JONAH: And for fashion you decided to just skip Hot Topic and get your advice
straight from-

TOM: The history books themselves! Move over Anna Wintour; I think the fine
folks at Encyclopedia Britannica have a few things to teach you.

JONAH: Where did you even get what appears to be….raccoon fur? [Rubs CROW’s fur
cape between his fingers.]

TOM: Don’t worry, Jonah, that’s not raccoon.

JONAH: Oh good.

CROW: Yep, just ordinary skunk.

JONAH: [Pulls hands away] Oh ew!! Why are you even wearing a cape made out of
skunk?

CROW: It’s the cheapest we could find on such short notice, obviously.
Especially if you remove the scent glands yourself.

JONAH: And did you?

CROW: Of course not.

JONAH: [Makes disgusted face] Look, moving on, I think you guys might have
misinterpreted certain...elements about Gothic culture

TOM: But the writing in today’s story was so crystal clear!

JONAH: Be that as it may, there are certain….differences between, how can I put
this, “modern-day” Goths and the ancient Gothic culture you’ve been
reading about online.

CROW: I did notice that there was a noticeable lack of eyeliner in Encarta’s
article about Goths.

TOM: Yeah, and there don’t appear to be any pop punk bands listed in the section
on Gothic musical practices.

CROW: How did they even frighten their parents?

TOM: Where are the altars to Marilyn Manson?

JONAH: [Aside] I think I know a guy that has a couple of those….Look, a Goth
from 2007 like Enoby has as much in common as a Goth from 207 as Crow
does with an actual crow.

CROW: What do you mean “actual” Crow?

TOM: So what you’re saying Jonah, is that we’re actually more authentic than
other types of Goths.

JONAH: Well, I mean, maybe, I guess. That would depend on-

TOM: So that’s why we don’t match up with Enoby and her group. They’re just a
bunch of posers!

JONAH: I don’t know about-

CROW: Yeah! I bet they’ve never even skinned a wild animal with their bare hands
and then sown their fur together to make a protecting yet still very
fashionable pair of mittens!

JONAH: Have you guys?

TOM: Who cares Jonah? We’re authentic and original and they’re not! Isn’t that
what being a Goth is all about?

JONAH: You know what you guys?

TOM AND CROW: What?

JONAH: I think you just might be right. [JONAH hits the commercial sign button.]

<Commercials>

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