XPost: alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
From: <group2@site.tld>
CROW: I love
group2@site.tld's writing!
Subject: You password must be need changed (your password:group2)
TOM: Remember, you promised you'd walk and feed *and* change your password when we got you one!
Date: November 15, 2018 at 4:36:12 PM EST
To: group2 <group2@site.tld>
CROW: Group 2 is the cool group. We don't need those Group 6 wieners.
Dear user of site.tld!
MIKE: Hi! Been a crazy year, hasn't it? So what've you been up to?
I am a spyware software developer.
TOM: Well I'm a level-12 half-orc mage so don't you go trying to beat my initiative roll.
Your account has been hacked by me in the summer of 2018.
CROW: Man, you wanna feel old? The summer of 2018 was *this* *year*.
I understand that it is hard to believe,
MIKE: But I can flare each nostril separately from the other!
but here is my evidence:
TOM: [ Fumbling, feeble voice ] Um, heh, sorry, thought I had the thingy plugged in ... uh ... heh, see, it's a mini USB ... or micro ... uh, heheh ... maybe it's upside-dowooops, dropped it.
- I sent you this email from your account.
MIKE: It's asking you to celebrate someone's 'work anniversary' on LinkedIn for some reason?
- Password from account group2@site.tld: group2 (on moment of hack).
TOM: Prices higher west of the Rocky Mountains.
The hacking was carried out using a hardware vulnerability through
which you went online
CROW: Yeah? Well I only respond to emotional vulnerability.
(Cisco router, vulnerability CVE-2018-0296).
MIKE: [ Military Nerd voice ] Excuse me but the CVE-2018-0296 is the USS Ranger, a Forrestal-class supercarrier with a displacement of 81,000 long tons under full load *thank* you.
I went around the security system in the router,
CROW: I jabbed my foot into an endtable.
installed an
exploit there.
TOM: Stepped on a Lego block ... you know, your security is pretty *good*, I have to say.
When you went online, my exploit downloaded my malicious code
MIKE: Well, it's not malicious so much as it is passive-aggressive code.
CROW: 'No, go ahead and read my page with the adblocker on, I'll be fine.'
(rootkit) to your device.
TOM: Hey, we're trying to stay PG here!
This is driver software,
CROW: This is driver software on drugs.
I constantly updated it,
MIKE: The only way to foil it is to hit 'postpone updates until tomorrow' every single day!
so your antivirus
is silent all time.
TOM: Your Antivirus Silent All-time Hall of Famers!
Since then I have been following you
CROW: Did you see me clicking like and share?
(I can connect to your device
via the VNC protocol).
MIKE: The VNC Protocol, starring Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, and Vonetta McGee.
That is, I can see absolutely everything that you do, view and
download your files and any data to yourself.
TOM: [ Voice warbling ] Even my Knuckles/Marrissa Picard fanfic?
I also have access to the camera on your device,
[ CROW and TOM squirm, uncomfortable. MIKE looks up so as not to have to acknowledge either. ]
and I periodically
take photos and videos with you.
MIKE: [ As though reading a postcard ] Having wonderful time, wish I were here ...
At the moment, I have harvested a solid dirt...
TOM: [ Dramatic sting ] DUN-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
on you...
CROW: Gasp!
MIKE: Merciful heavens!
TOM: Oh, Professor Firefly!
I saved all your email and chats from your messangers.
MIKE: Your mess angers.
TOM: Your Me's Sangers.
I also saved
the entire history of the sites you visit.
TOM: You ah, got any copies of Web Site Number Nine kicking around there?
CROW: Your Mess an' Gers?
MIKE: Oh, you always want a plate of those if you go to a British pub.
I note that it is useless to change the passwords.
TOM: [ As Chico ] 'Swordfish'?
My malware update passwords from your accounts every times.
CROW: Yeah? Well ... my festive clockwork bubbles from your kneepads every thermostat!
I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
TOM: Ooh, hard funs?
MIKE: Yeah, those are the anise-tasting funs your gramma keeps in that glass dish on the coffee table that still smells like smoke even though she quit eighteen years ago.
[ TOM makes a little disappointed groan. ]
Oh, yes .. I'm know your secret life, which you are hiding from
everyone.
CROW: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit!
Oh my God, what are your like... I saw THIS ...
TOM: With a Hubbard squash?
MIKE: In the library?
CROW: On Professor Plum?
Oh, you dirty
naughty person ... :)
MIKE: [ As Elmer Fudd ] 'I'm just as God made me, sir .... hehehehehehehehe.'
I took photos and videos of your most passionate funs with adult
content,
TOM: Not my adult content! My automobile titles, my disclosure paperworks from the Dental Maintenance Organization. Ream after ream of cadastral maps for the properties I bought at the tax sale!
MIKE: Jeez, all *my* adult content is sad little grunts of pain after I kneel down and stand up again.
and synchronized them in real time with the image of your
camera.
MIKE: Who cares about images of my camera?
[ CROW and TOM hide down in their chairs. ]
Believe it turned out very high quality!
CROW: Sing the unwashed park bench gryphon!
So, to the business!
MIKE: [ As Adam West ] To the business-pole, old chum!
I'm sure you don't want to show these files and visiting history to
all your contacts.
TOM: *Including* that person at hotels dot com that dealt with your weird duplicate-loyalty-card nonsense.
Transfer $848 to my Bitcoin cryptocurrency wallet:
[ CROW just bursts out laughing ]
1GXazHVQxxUdJpe62UFozFibPlor8ToDoUn3
[ CROW continues giggling ]
MIKE: Foz Fib Plor?
TOM: I'm trying to figure this as like a Fozzie Bear branded Mister Pibb but it's not coming together.
Just copy and paste the wallet number when transferring.
TOM: It's totally not the SimCity 2000 funding cheat code!
CROW: [ Still giggling ]
MIKE: You okay, buddy?
CROW: Yeah, I just, I mean, 848 dollars?
If you do not know how to do this - ask Google.
MIKE: Well, he was going to demand $849 but figured, why be greedy?
TOM: I heard he was looking for $847.74 but rounded up the dollar to donate to the local food bank.
CROW: Oh, well that's good of him, then.
My system automatically recognizes the translation.
MIKE: 'Translate from Latvian'? The heck?
As soon as the specified amount is received, all your data will be
destroyed from my server,
TOM: 'Because I'm dealing with this annoying ransomware hacker myself.'
and the rootkit will be automatically
removed from your system.
CROW: Thanks to my self-propelled technogarden trowel!
Do not worry, I really will delete everything,
MIKE: [ Warbly teenager voice ] E-e-everything?
TOM: 'Well, not your DVR. That you have to watch on your own.'
since I am 'working'
with many people who have fallen into your position.
CROW: Yeah, well, *I'm* taking pictures of you doing that on *your* web cam, how does *that* feel?
You will only have to inform your provider about the vulnerabilities
in the router so that other hackers will not use it.
MIKE: [ Extremely nerdy ] You know, even the most secure routers are vulnerable to a proton torpedo hitting their thermal exhaust port through a shaft right to the reactor system.
Since opening this letter you have 48 hours.
CROW: 49, if it's Daylight Saving Time.
If funds not will be received, after the specified time has elapsed,
TOM: I'll take $582.50 in bitcoin instead?
MIKE: How about $146 in dogecoin?
CROW: Would you believe what's left on a $20 Borders gift card and a 50-pfennig coin I got going to Oberammergau in 1990?
the disk of your device will be formatted,
MIKE: The format: Swiss-style match pairing, ten rounds or until 10:00.
and from my server will automatically send email and sms
TOM: Oh, I don't need all those sms, just send me one sm.
CROW: With sms an educated consumer is our best customer.
to all your
contacts with compromising material.
MIKE: It's not 'compromising', it's 'seeking a pragmatic, centrist solution'!
TOM: Bad praxis, Mike.
I advise you to remain prudent
CROW: When you're prudent, you make a prune out of dents.
[ MIKE sets a hand on CROW's shoulder. ]
and not engage in nonsense (all files
on my server).
MIKE: And all the ships at sea! Flash!
Good luck!
TOM: If Woody had gone right to the police, this would never have happened.
MIKE: C'mon, let's blow this popsicle stand.
[ ALL file out. ]
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and setup and situations and all are the property of ... I guess it's Satellite of Love LLC? I'm not sure anymore. The original spam was sent to my love's work e-mail account so certain elements
were modified so my love's IT department didn't get all cranky. It's not a Jonah script because I still haven't seen the Netflix series and while I started writing MiSTings after watching very few Joel and Mike episodes, 'a few' is still more than '
literally zero'. Anyway, thanks for reading and let's all have some hard funs, won't we?
I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
--
Joseph Nebus
Math: What I Wrote in My 2018 Mathematics A To Z
https://wp.me/p1RYhY-1B7 Humor: Some Unwise Resolutions
https://wp.me/p37lb5-2o2 --------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
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