Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
-[ ]- ____-200____ .. NE_of_Fire
"We have to take her back to her people." He almost looked up, but then >closed his eyes, just caught himself from taking a deep breath. It was
warm, dry, but the cave's walls were far too close. He returned his gaze
to the scarred young Breeder on the ground. The girl lay as if merely >sleeping, her scent nearly gone completely. Jeahnira, their just as
young Priest was healing her injuries, but the boy couldn't draw out her >mind.
"If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
Jeahnira's mother replied.
She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. They had
never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were others that would
react differently. "Let's at least circle round and try to warn the
other tribes. We don't know whether any of our Lords made it." he tried >again. Sitting here wasting time wasn't in his nature.
He couldn't, after all
those years without the few things that gave his existence a purpose,
life.
It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or too
much about who, where, why.
I can see people agreeing with my friend, that this is too thin. If you
do, any ideas what to do?
If not, please let me know that, too. :)
On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
****
Jeahnira, their just as young Priest was healing her injuries, but
the boy couldn't draw out her mind.
I think you're missing a comma after Priest.
"If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
Jeahnira's mother replied.
She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. They
had never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were others
that would react differently. "Let's at least circle round and try
to warn the other tribes. We don't know whether any of our Lords
made it." he tried again. Sitting here wasting time wasn't in his
nature.
I'm not quite sure what ". . . whether any of our Lords made it."
means. Made what's killing her? Made it her fate to die alone?
I'm afraid what follows is a bit too convoluted for me to really
grasp without stepping outside the story and trying to parse it. Even
then, I'm not totally sure I'm catching what's going on.
He couldn't, after all
those years without the few things that gave his existence a
purpose, life.
?
It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or
too much about who, where, why.
It certainly is that! ;)
I can see people agreeing with my friend, that this is too thin. If
you do, any ideas what to do?
If not, please let me know that, too. :)
I think you're trying to put too much into such a short piece. It
should be, imnsho, either a glimpse at a touching moment or set the
stage for what's happening on a much larger scale. It's barely
succeeding as the former, and I'm sorry to say, failing miserably,
for me, as the latter.
On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
He couldn't, after all
those years without the few things that gave his existence a
purpose, life.
?
Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.
It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or
too much about who, where, why.
It certainly is that! ;)
Hahaaa. Success! ... Er... /me shuffles off into the corner to
brood^Wthink about fixing this mess. :)
On 19 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
He couldn't, after all those years without the few things that gave
his existence a purpose, life.
?
Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.
That didn't track for me.
What I see here is: He couldn't, (clause), life.
On 20.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
On 19 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
He couldn't, after all those years without the few things that gave
his existence a purpose, life.
?
Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.
That didn't track for me.
I'm perplexed. :)
--------
She was the one who took care of his little group now. He couldn't,
after all those years without the few things that gave his existence a >purpose, life.
--------
Really don't know what doesn't work for you.
What I see here is: He couldn't, (clause), life.
Weird, the "purpose, life" belong together. Are you misreading life for
live?
Oh well. I guess this'll remain a mystery. :)
On 20 Feb 2019 "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
Weird, the "purpose, life" belong together. Are you misreading life
for live?
Oh well. I guess this'll remain a mystery. :)
Ah! Now I see. I was taking the whole "after all those years . . ."
as a clause set off by commas within the "He couldn't life."
sentence, which didn't make sense. Had it been a colon instead of a
comma, I'd have seen your meaning at once. (A comma is correct in
this instance, it's just that I mistook the sentence structure.)
I'm wondering if deleting the first comma would make it clearer.
Thanks again for pointing out stuff that doesn't work!
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
-[ ]-
On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall wrote:
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
-[ ]-
If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this. To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first language is not English.
On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall wrote:
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
language is not English. It reminds me of Mark Twain's quote about
the lightning and the lightning bug. I know you're capable of doing
better, because one of your followup posts scans much more cleanly.
The infodump would be fine if the language flowed smoothly, so I
wouldn't worry too much about changing any details until you've made
the prose the best you can.
On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall
wrote:
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
language is not English.
You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's
German.
On 01.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall
wrote:
Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
__Seasons and Elements__
(_Controlled by Magic_)
By A. T. Hall.
****
If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
language is not English.
You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's
German.
Please don't drag that up again, I hate it when people claim I can't
speak English just because I live in Germany with a German 'Ausweis'.
I always say I speak 1 language, 0.5 English and 0.5 German. It's both equally good/bad.
In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of practice.)
Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself, eh, hear. :)
On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:
Please don't drag that up again, I hate it when people claim I can't
speak English just because I live in Germany with a German 'Ausweis'.
I always say I speak 1 language, 0.5 English and 0.5 German. It's both
equally good/bad.
Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself, eh,
hear. :)
No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).
On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this. To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first language is not English.
You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's German.
On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:
In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible
Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of
practice.)
Lancashire AND German? Yeah, that'd be an odd one.
Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself,
eh, hear. :)
No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).
On 02.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:
In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible
Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of
practice.)
Lancashire AND German? Yeah, that'd be an odd one.
They're pretty compatible, in the Lancashire accent a lot of 'a' and 'u'
are pronounced similar, if not identical, to how they're pronounced in German.
Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself,
eh, hear. :)
No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).
I guess you would not want to waste too much of your free time on that, instead of family, or writing, anyway. :)
Teamspeak client is free, though, and a friend lets me use his server.
Apart from that, I only have Steam voice chat for speaking English, but Teamspeak has better options.
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