• [Crit] Kina prologue of the Seasons & Elements trilogy.

    From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to All on Mon Feb 18 23:32:00 2019
    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****
    -[ ]- ____-200____ .. NE_of_Fire

    "We have to take her back to her people." He almost looked up, but then
    closed his eyes, just caught himself from taking a deep breath. It was
    warm, dry, but the cave's walls were far too close. He returned his gaze
    to the scarred young Breeder on the ground. The girl lay as if merely
    sleeping, her scent nearly gone completely. Jeahnira, their just as
    young Priest was healing her injuries, but the boy couldn't draw out her
    mind.

    "If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
    Jeahnira's mother replied.

    She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. They had
    never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were others that would
    react differently. "Let's at least circle round and try to warn the
    other tribes. We don't know whether any of our Lords made it." he tried
    again. Sitting here wasting time wasn't in his nature.

    "You know what it took to get here."

    That was true. They wouldn't survive crossing the mountains, and if his
    idea of the terrain was at all correct, it would take them at least a
    year to circle around them to get to the nearest tribe. It had taken
    years to catch up, trailing the warped ones, and then they had almost
    run right into their grasp. Only Jeahnira's skill had prevented them
    from being discovered.

    Maybe they should have gone in the other direction for help, but that
    would have taken even longer, and would have meant abandoning those that
    were left behind by the warped ones. He had already abandoned too much.

    They had picked up this girl like the others, and now wondered what to
    do with her. Some of his own females were in no better state.

    "What if _they_ are already there when we arrive?" she continued. "We
    don't know where they went, and you know how fast they can travel. We
    can just hope those wet sods get a grip on themselves and warn the other tribes." She obviously didn't think any of their Lords had made it,
    either. She looked at her son.

    Jeahnira shook his head. "I've been trying to get hold of one of their
    Priests for the past fifteen years, that isn't going to change just this moment. Might as well try to catch a dream."

    That didn't mean the young Priest would stop trying. Jeahnira had tried
    to contact those that had fled, too, without success. The boy's mother
    had said that it was amazing enough that he had reached anyone who
    wasn't a Priest. She hadn't spoken what they both thought, that apart
    from his Warrior sibling, the only one the boy had managed to contact
    was his father.

    But the ones that had fled were good Lords, they would hold out and
    protect what was left of his tribe. They were as strong as his mate. She
    was the one who took care of his people now. He couldn't, after all
    those years without the few things that gave his existence a purpose,
    life. He walked away, down a narrow passage, to flee his nature.

    ********

    A Steam friend is reading the story again, giving feedback, and has a
    huge amount of problems with info being missing in this scene.

    I added this scene much later after writing the actual beginning, to
    show a small group 200 days before the story starts, to be maybe kept in
    mind, and later realize, oh, those people they talk about aren't dead at
    all! Wonder when they'll turn up.

    They do turn up in the 2nd book, while writing it was totally out of the
    blue, which I didn't like, so I added this bit before the first scene of
    the story, as kind of prologue.

    It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or too
    much about who, where, why.

    I can see people agreeing with my friend, that this is too thin. If you
    do, any ideas what to do?

    If not, please let me know that, too. :)

    I feel a bit as if someone had told Da Vinci that the Mona Lisa needs a moustache. Butbut, my vision! But of course I want the story to work for
    not just me, so, please help. :)

    (I wonder whether I ever put this in here before for crit. Hm. /me goes searching. Found it. Didn't get many comments though, and this is a
    newer version, with some stuff added based on the comments.)

    --
    (Lanar) Maybe you should go after them to make sure he doesn't run off with our mother." - "He has quite enough Breeders of his own." Aranar pointed out, then smiled. "Besides, he'd send her back after a day at most, after she confused him
    enough to think he's a Magic Priest." -- Seasons & Elements 2/3


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  • From Capuchin@21:1/5 to A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org on Mon Feb 18 22:20:04 2019
    On Mon, 18 Feb 2019 23:32:00 +0100, "A. Tina Hall"
    <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:


    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****
    -[ ]- ____-200____ .. NE_of_Fire

    "We have to take her back to her people." He almost looked up, but then >closed his eyes, just caught himself from taking a deep breath. It was
    warm, dry, but the cave's walls were far too close. He returned his gaze
    to the scarred young Breeder on the ground. The girl lay as if merely >sleeping, her scent nearly gone completely. Jeahnira, their just as
    young Priest was healing her injuries, but the boy couldn't draw out her >mind.

    I think you're missing a comma after Priest.

    "If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
    Jeahnira's mother replied.

    She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. They had
    never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were others that would
    react differently. "Let's at least circle round and try to warn the
    other tribes. We don't know whether any of our Lords made it." he tried >again. Sitting here wasting time wasn't in his nature.

    I'm not quite sure what ". . . whether any of our Lords made it."
    means. Made what's killing her? Made it her fate to die alone?

    I'm afraid what follows is a bit too convoluted for me to really grasp
    without stepping outside the story and trying to parse it. Even then,
    I'm not totally sure I'm catching what's going on.

    He couldn't, after all
    those years without the few things that gave his existence a purpose,
    life.

    ?

    It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or too
    much about who, where, why.

    It certainly is that! ;)

    I can see people agreeing with my friend, that this is too thin. If you
    do, any ideas what to do?

    If not, please let me know that, too. :)

    I think you're trying to put too much into such a short piece. It
    should be, imnsho, either a glimpse at a touching moment or set the
    stage for what's happening on a much larger scale. It's barely
    succeeding as the former, and I'm sorry to say, failing miserably, for
    me, as the latter.

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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to NoReplies@jymes.com on Tue Feb 19 12:51:00 2019
    On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:
    ****
    Jeahnira, their just as young Priest was healing her injuries, but
    the boy couldn't draw out her mind.

    I think you're missing a comma after Priest.

    I think you may be right. :)

    "If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
    Jeahnira's mother replied.

    She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. They
    had never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were others
    that would react differently. "Let's at least circle round and try
    to warn the other tribes. We don't know whether any of our Lords
    made it." he tried again. Sitting here wasting time wasn't in his
    nature.

    I'm not quite sure what ". . . whether any of our Lords made it."
    means. Made what's killing her? Made it her fate to die alone?

    Ah, right, will change that to something saying the Lords were sent to
    warn the other tribes.

    Btw, changed a bit last night, now it reads:

    ----------------
    "If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
    Jeahnira's mother replied.

    She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. His tribe
    had never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were other tribes
    that would react differently. No less strange than those his mate called 'softies', but less likely to pounce on those who didn't match their
    view of how things should be.

    "Let's at least circle round and try to warn the other tribes." he tried
    again. "We don't know whether any of our Lords made it." Sitting here
    wasting time wasn't in his nature.
    ----------------

    I'm afraid what follows is a bit too convoluted for me to really
    grasp without stepping outside the story and trying to parse it. Even
    then, I'm not totally sure I'm catching what's going on.

    He couldn't, after all
    those years without the few things that gave his existence a
    purpose, life.

    ?

    Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.

    Changed that a bit, too though, in the meantime:

    ----------------
    She was the one who took care of his little group now. He couldn't,
    after all those years without the few...
    ----------------

    But yeah, you point out that my friend is right and I should fix more, I
    did some other bits, but ran out of ideas here at the end.

    It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or
    too much about who, where, why.

    It certainly is that! ;)

    Hahaaa. Success! ... Er... /me shuffles off into the corner to
    brood^Wthink about fixing this mess. :)

    I can see people agreeing with my friend, that this is too thin. If
    you do, any ideas what to do?

    If not, please let me know that, too. :)

    I think you're trying to put too much into such a short piece. It
    should be, imnsho, either a glimpse at a touching moment or set the
    stage for what's happening on a much larger scale. It's barely
    succeeding as the former, and I'm sorry to say, failing miserably,
    for me, as the latter.

    Thanks for your comments! :)

    I'll try to give the glimpse a bit more substance to hold up until the
    actual story start, where species and world are explained in detail.

    --
    (To Gorash) "You just found us, anyway. We could take in the silent one." Lanar grinned, then looked at Tharoan. "He hasn't yet figured out how to make the kids
    himself." - "That's why he's dragged in the Summer Lord." Kevra said. "They know all about that." -- Seasons & Elements 2/3: Controlling the Magic


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  • From Capuchin@21:1/5 to A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org on Tue Feb 19 22:15:20 2019
    On Tue, 19 Feb 2019 12:51:00 +0100, "A. Tina Hall"
    <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
    He couldn't, after all
    those years without the few things that gave his existence a
    purpose, life.

    ?

    Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.

    That didn't track for me.

    What I see here is: He couldn't, (clause), life.

    It's meant to be cryptic, and it's meant to not contain infodumps or
    too much about who, where, why.

    It certainly is that! ;)

    Hahaaa. Success! ... Er... /me shuffles off into the corner to
    brood^Wthink about fixing this mess. :)

    Happens to me all the time. ;)
    (quiet sob)

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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to NoReplies@jymes.com on Wed Feb 20 22:37:00 2019
    On 20.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 19 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
    On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    He couldn't, after all those years without the few things that gave
    his existence a purpose, life.

    ?

    Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.

    That didn't track for me.

    I'm perplexed. :)

    --------
    She was the one who took care of his little group now. He couldn't,
    after all those years without the few things that gave his existence a
    purpose, life.
    --------

    Really don't know what doesn't work for you.

    What I see here is: He couldn't, (clause), life.

    Weird, the "purpose, life" belong together. Are you misreading life for
    live?

    Oh well. I guess this'll remain a mystery. :)

    --
    "This is interesting, I guess, but what's the point of dwelling?" - "It's interesting! Look! Tiny trees! Can you make out whether they've got individual leaves?" - "Yes. But there are big trees outside. You know what they look like."
    "I don't know what these small ones look like before I look at them." -- S&E 2


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  • From Capuchin@21:1/5 to A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org on Thu Feb 21 00:23:49 2019
    On Wed, 20 Feb 2019 22:37:00 +0100, "A. Tina Hall"
    <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    On 20.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 19 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:
    On 19.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 18 Feb 2019, "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    He couldn't, after all those years without the few things that gave
    his existence a purpose, life.

    ?

    Look after his people. ;P It's right before this.

    That didn't track for me.

    I'm perplexed. :)

    --------
    She was the one who took care of his little group now. He couldn't,
    after all those years without the few things that gave his existence a >purpose, life.
    --------

    Really don't know what doesn't work for you.

    What I see here is: He couldn't, (clause), life.

    Weird, the "purpose, life" belong together. Are you misreading life for
    live?

    Oh well. I guess this'll remain a mystery. :)

    Ah! Now I see. I was taking the whole "after all those years . . ." as
    a clause set off by commas within the "He couldn't life." sentence,
    which didn't make sense. Had it been a colon instead of a comma, I'd
    have seen your meaning at once. (A comma is correct in this instance,
    it's just that I mistook the sentence structure.)

    I'm wondering if deleting the first comma would make it clearer.

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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to NoReplies@jymes.com on Thu Feb 21 14:23:00 2019
    On 21.02.19, Capuchin <NoReplies@jymes.com> wrote:
    On 20 Feb 2019 "A. Tina Hall" <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    Weird, the "purpose, life" belong together. Are you misreading life
    for live?

    Oh well. I guess this'll remain a mystery. :)

    Ah! Now I see. I was taking the whole "after all those years . . ."
    as a clause set off by commas within the "He couldn't life."
    sentence, which didn't make sense. Had it been a colon instead of a
    comma, I'd have seen your meaning at once. (A comma is correct in
    this instance, it's just that I mistook the sentence structure.)

    I'm wondering if deleting the first comma would make it clearer.

    My Steam friend didn't like this bit either, so now I've got:

    --------
    He couldn't anymore. After all these years without the few things that
    gave his existence a purpose, life, the best he could do was not get in
    the way.
    --------

    Plus some more words about what his purpose is.

    I hope she and you like that better. :)

    Thanks again for pointing out stuff that doesn't work!

    --
    Thay nodded. "That leaves us to wonder about this silly idea."
    "Silly ideas are my speciality." Jodra said cheerfully.
    -- Seasons & Elements 2/3: Controlling the Magic


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  • From Capuchin@21:1/5 to A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org on Wed Feb 27 18:00:41 2019
    On Thu, 21 Feb 2019 14:23:00 +0100, "A. Tina Hall"
    <A_Tina_Hall@kruemel.org> wrote:

    Thanks again for pointing out stuff that doesn't work!

    When I'm asking for crits, the most important thing, for me, is
    someone pointing out the speed bumps, lines which force the reader to
    drop out of the story to figure out what it means (or, rarely, they
    stop to admire the turn of phrase, which also takes them out of the
    story and reminds them they're reading something)..

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  • From Brian P.@21:1/5 to A. Tina Hall on Thu Feb 28 17:49:12 2019
    On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall wrote:
    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****
    -[ ]-


    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this. To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first language is not English. It reminds me of Mark Twain's quote about the lightning and the lightning bug.
    I know you're capable of doing better, because one of your followup posts scans much more cleanly. The infodump would be fine if the language flowed smoothly, so I wouldn't worry too much about changing any details until you've made the prose the best
    you can.


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  • From Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor)@21:1/5 to Brian P. on Fri Mar 1 00:10:12 2019
    On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
    On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall wrote:
    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****
    -[ ]-


    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this. To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first language is not English.


    You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's German.


    --
    Sea Wasp
    /^\
    ;;;
    Website: http://www.grandcentralarena.com Blog:
    http://seawasp.dreamwidth.org

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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to All on Fri Mar 1 19:36:00 2019
    I polished the earlier version a bit, and wonder if it reads better to
    you now. Due to adding more words, it's a bit longer than 500 words
    though.

    Please do comment with whatever comes to mind. :)

    --------------------------------
    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall

    ****
    -[viewpoint, undisclosed]- Prologue -200 days Time: .. [location]

    "We have to take her back to her people." He almost looked up, but then
    closed his eyes, just caught himself from taking a deep breath. It was
    warm, dry, but the cave's walls were far too close, barely tolerable
    because they had to hide. Only that need could outweigh the one for wide
    open spaces, or even the need for the heat and aridity of their home
    territory.

    The confined environment kept him far too exposed to the females' scent, especially his mate's. She was standing close by, watching her son
    tending the female on the ground.

    He returned his gaze to the scarred young Breeder. The girl lay as if
    merely sleeping, her scent nearly gone completely. Jeahnira, their just
    as young Priest, was healing her injuries, but the boy couldn't draw out
    her mind.

    "If we approach the softies, they'll think _we_ did that to her."
    Jeahnira's mother replied.

    She would know, he thought, and he wouldn't put it past them. His tribe
    had never gotten on with those neighbours, but there were other tribes
    that would react differently. No less strange than those his mate called 'softies', but less likely to pounce on those who didn't match their
    view of how things should be.

    "Let's at least circle around and try to warn the other tribes." he
    tried again. "We don't know whether any of our Lords made it." Sitting
    here, wasting time, wasn't in his nature.

    "You know what it took to get here."

    That was true. They wouldn't survive crossing the mountains, and if his
    idea of the terrain was at all correct, it would take them at least a
    year to circle around them to get to the nearest other tribe.

    It had taken years to catch up, trailing the warped ones that had
    destroyed almost his whole tribe, and then they had almost run right
    into their grasp when the warped ones had returned from their attack on
    the sleeping Breeder's tribe.

    Only Jeahnira's skill had prevented his group from being discovered.

    Maybe they should have gone in the other direction for help, but that
    would have taken even longer, and would have meant abandoning those that
    were left behind by the warped ones. He had already abandoned too much.

    They had picked up this girl like they had picked up his own Breeders
    and now wondered what to do with her. Some of his own females were in no
    better state. Of the thirty-nine Breeders they had found, six were
    unable to walk or talk like this one.

    Apart from the wake Breeders and the young Priest, there was only
    Jeahnira's Warrior sibling to help carry or pull the unmoving ones. Even
    with the best stretchers they could make from what the jungle outside
    their cave offered, travelling on foot was far too slow.

    Long before the warped ones had appeared, he had met a Priest of a
    different tribe who travelled around in a little vehicle on wheels,
    powered by the Priest's magic, but even that would not speed their trip.
    That strange Priest had chosen to walk whenever he had run out of water
    and other supplies, so it had to be straining.

    "What if _they_ are already there when we arrive?" Jeahnira's mother
    continued. "We don't know where they went, and you know how fast they
    can travel. We can just hope those wet sods get a grip on themselves and
    warn the other tribes."

    His mate obviously didn't think any of their Lords had gotten around the
    warped ones to warn their other neighbours, either. She looked at her
    son.

    Jeahnira shook his head. "I've been trying to get hold of one of their
    Priests for the past fifteen years, that isn't going to change just this moment. Might as well try to catch a dream."

    That didn't mean the young Priest would stop trying. Jeahnira had also
    tried to contact the Lords that had fled into hiding with as many
    children as they could protect, without success.

    The boy's mother had said that it was amazing enough that he had reached
    anyone who wasn't a Priest. She hadn't spoken what they both thought,
    that apart from his Warrior sibling, the only one the boy had managed to contact was the Lord who had fathered him.

    But the ones that had fled were good Lords, they would hold out and
    protect what was left of his tribe. They were as strong as his mate. She
    was the one who took care of his little group now. He couldn't anymore.
    After all these years without the few things that gave his existence a
    purpose, life, the best he could do was not get in the way.

    There had never been all that much for him to do, nor the other Lords.
    The Breeders had lived on their own, protected by the Warriors. The
    Lords merely decided what direction they would travel, and when. Their
    only real purpose was to father healthy children. With the need to keep
    the Breeders' heat down, to not draw the warped ones with the scent that
    even now, heavily muted, pulled at him more than the ground pulled at
    his feet, that purpose was gone.

    He walked away, down a narrow passage, to flee his nature.

    ********

    Thanks!

    --
    Zoaray frowned. "She's strange enough," she said, | -- S&E 2/3 pointing at Scavor, "but you make no sense at all."
    Scavor patted Zoaray's hand, grinning. "See, even she thinks I'm strange."
    The Summer Breeder pulled her hand away. "You are full of air."


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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to bobthrollop@gmail.com on Fri Mar 1 19:29:00 2019
    On 01.03.19, Brian P. <bobthrollop@gmail.com> wrote:
    On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall wrote:

    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****

    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
    To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
    language is not English. It reminds me of Mark Twain's quote about
    the lightning and the lightning bug. I know you're capable of doing
    better, because one of your followup posts scans much more cleanly.
    The infodump would be fine if the language flowed smoothly, so I
    wouldn't worry too much about changing any details until you've made
    the prose the best you can.

    I'd be interested in what exactly you would improve, but better in the
    improved text from the polishing I did in the meantime. I'll post it
    again (more words = a bit more than just slightly over 500 words
    though).

    Smooth writing is still what I want to learn about most. But if you say
    later quotes read better, I guess my writing got better, somehow. :)

    Btw, in this story, in part I deliberately use different words, because
    some don't exist for that species. (I replaced all 'pay', 'credit', and similar, for example.) No good if it just looks like awkward writing,
    though.

    --
    "If he's a big nasty Lord, what are you?" Cavora asked him.
    "I'm a Magic Priest." Jodra returned, smiling brightly.
    "You're insane." Draqor stated, and turned his frown on Chiran again.
    -- Seasons & Elements 2/3: Controlling the Magic


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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com on Fri Mar 1 19:33:00 2019
    On 01.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
    On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall
    wrote:

    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****

    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
    To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
    language is not English.

    You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's
    German.

    Please don't drag that up again, I hate it when people claim I can't
    speak English just because I live in Germany with a German 'Ausweis'.

    I always say I speak 1 language, 0.5 English and 0.5 German. It's both
    equally good/bad.

    In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
    German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible
    Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of practice.)

    Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself, eh,
    hear. :)

    --
    "Where is that stalker anyway?"
    "Spooking the forest with Lernay and the icicles." | Thay and Shareahn,
    "Are you sure that isn't 'spooking in the forest'?" | Seasons & Elements 3/3: "No, they scare all the trees, and no one else." | Colluding with Magic


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  • From Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor)@21:1/5 to A. Tina Hall on Fri Mar 1 17:50:19 2019
    On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:
    On 01.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:
    On Monday, February 18, 2019 at 4:48:15 PM UTC-6, A. Tina Hall
    wrote:

    Please comment what you think, an explanation follows after this:

    __Seasons and Elements__
    (_Controlled by Magic_)
    By A. T. Hall.

    ****

    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this.
    To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first
    language is not English.

    You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's
    German.

    Please don't drag that up again, I hate it when people claim I can't
    speak English just because I live in Germany with a German 'Ausweis'.

    I always say I speak 1 language, 0.5 English and 0.5 German. It's both equally good/bad.

    In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
    German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of practice.)

    Lancashire AND German? Yeah, that'd be an odd one.


    Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself, eh, hear. :)


    No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).




    --
    Sea Wasp
    /^\
    ;;;
    Website: http://www.grandcentralarena.com Blog:
    http://seawasp.dreamwidth.org

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  • From Dorothy J Heydt@21:1/5 to seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com on Fri Mar 1 23:52:06 2019
    In article <q5ccvb$c93$1@dont-email.me>,
    Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:

    Please don't drag that up again, I hate it when people claim I can't
    speak English just because I live in Germany with a German 'Ausweis'.

    I always say I speak 1 language, 0.5 English and 0.5 German. It's both
    equally good/bad.

    Oh dear, that reminds me of my former department's chairman's
    thesis project. She interviewed the last surviving speaker of
    Tunica, a Native American language once spoken in Louisiana. He
    told her that his mother spoke Tunica to him, but he always spoke
    French to her.

    Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself, eh,
    hear. :)

    No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).

    I believe you can get it for use in MMORPGs. I have no idea of
    how you would do so.

    --
    Dorothy J. Heydt
    Vallejo, California
    djheydt at gmail dot com
    www.kithrup.com/~djheydt/

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  • From Capuchin@21:1/5 to seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com on Fri Mar 1 19:33:16 2019
    On Fri, 1 Mar 2019 00:10:12 -0500, "Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor)" <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 2/28/19 8:49 PM, Brian P. wrote:

    If I was a copy editor, I'd make a million little changes to this. To be frank, it reads like something from someone whose first language is not English.

    You do know that this is in fact the case for Tina? IIRC, she's German.

    Okay, now I'm jealous, as in righteously screaming "it's not fair!"
    kind of jealous.

    Every writer has their own voice (how many times have you read an
    isolated paragraph and identified the author without ever having read
    that particular story?), and many stories need their own variation of
    that voice so the narration has elements of character and is fixed
    firmly in that world.

    I found the voice in this particularly apt: aloof because they're so
    very tied to their personal world and beliefs (as opposed to aloof
    because they're snobs). The narration reinforced this separation from
    common existence. It was a great example of voice as a component of storytelling.

    And now I find it's just a side effect of her being bi? Wow! It almost
    seems like cheating.

    FWIW, except for the instance I noted, I had no trouble at all reading
    it on a word choice/sentence structure level, which are the usual
    problems when English is not the writer's first language. The parts
    which lost me were, imo, trying to put a hundred pounds of background information into a nine ounce sack, and being a man, I tend to miss
    clues and need things spelled out plainly.

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  • From A. Tina Hall@21:1/5 to seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com on Sat Mar 2 02:00:00 2019
    On 02.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:

    In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
    German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible
    Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of
    practice.)

    Lancashire AND German? Yeah, that'd be an odd one.

    They're pretty compatible, in the Lancashire accent a lot of 'a' and 'u'
    are pronounced similar, if not identical, to how they're pronounced in
    German.

    Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself,
    eh, hear. :)

    No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).

    I guess you would not want to waste too much of your free time on that,
    instead of family, or writing, anyway. :)

    Teamspeak client is free, though, and a friend lets me use his server.
    Apart from that, I only have Steam voice chat for speaking English, but Teamspeak has better options.

    --
    "[Faruul] could have just come from the Water tribe's own magic." Cavora snarled. - "No, she couldn't." Draqor growled. - "Aren't Lords wonderful?"
    Thay asked Ghira. - She shrugged. "They're all right when they aren't acting like drakes in heat." -- S&E 2/3


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  • From Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor)@21:1/5 to A. Tina Hall on Sat Mar 2 09:21:38 2019
    On 3/1/19 8:00 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:
    On 02.03.19, Sea Wasp (Ryk E. Spoor) <seawasp@sgeinc.invalid.com> wrote:
    On 3/1/19 1:33 PM, A. Tina Hall wrote:

    In fact, in writing, I have much more practice in English than in
    German. (Voice I have more practice in German, and a horrible
    Lancashire/German accent when I speak English, for lack of
    practice.)

    Lancashire AND German? Yeah, that'd be an odd one.

    They're pretty compatible, in the Lancashire accent a lot of 'a' and 'u'
    are pronounced similar, if not identical, to how they're pronounced in German.

    Do you have Teamspeak? We could chat then, and you see for yourself,
    eh, hear. :)

    No, I don't have Teamspeak (never heard of it before, in fact).

    I guess you would not want to waste too much of your free time on that, instead of family, or writing, anyway. :)

    Teamspeak client is free, though, and a friend lets me use his server.
    Apart from that, I only have Steam voice chat for speaking English, but Teamspeak has better options.


    The only communication client I have is Apple's videochat thing. I've used it like twice.


    --
    Sea Wasp
    /^\
    ;;;
    Website: http://www.grandcentralarena.com Blog:
    http://seawasp.dreamwidth.org

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