XPost: alt.tv.food-network, rec.food.cooking
In article <uriojo$2m9si$
8@dont-email.me>,
weberm@polaris.net wrote:
SLop is in her faux pantry and tells us how the gift of food is the best
gift of all. Wow. If anyone gave me any of those as gifts I would
seriously reconsider our friendship! SLop lists off what she's going to
make. It's a bad sign when SLop is slurring her speech like a lush before
the credits even start ("M-m-mmmmoistest"?).
SLop starts off by making peanut brittle from Kraft Caramels and toffee
nuts. She dowses her non-stick pan with Pam so it doesn't stick and melts
the caramels. Amazingly, the caramel is not sticking to the pan! She adds
the nuts and lets it cook for a few minutes. She announces the mixture
has melted but we can see it is starting to boil and dumps it into a pan
to harden up, covering with plastic wrap and popping into the fridge.
SLop pulls out a pan that has already been in the fridge and sets it
aside.
SLop makes some chocolate macadamia bark by melting some dark and white >chocolate chips and putting some crushed Macadamia into a plastic bag and >smashing them some more with a rolling pin. She then layers the melted
chips on a baking sheet lined with wax paper and swirls it with a
toothpick, except when she pulls it out, it looks like she had several >toothpicks bunched together. In any case, it looks like it took several >minutes to do and I am almost certain Milli Vanilla intervened with a
spoon between the slow dissolve because there is no way a toothpick could >even closely swirl it that thoroughly. SLop then tells us to sprinkle the >leftover chips (Oops, I hope you have more bags of chips in your pantry!)
and nuts onto the mix. SLop then tells us that "with recipes like these,
you could open your own candy shop and no one would be the wiser", which >reminds me of that ol' "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is
there.." riddle. Hee! SLop then presses the top of the bark to
"incorporate" them into the chocolate and puts it in the fridge.
SLop then takes the not-so-brittle and removes the foil because "You
don't want any foil in your candy". Really, now? SLop then starts to pull
the not-so-brittle into pieces and puts them into some double layer paper >cones for a gift-in-a-gift effect. After she puts some pieces into a
cone, the camera cuts away as the not-so-brittle pieces start to droop. I >noticed that throughout this segment the camera didn't focus too much on
that not-so-brittle; it started drooping when she pulled it out of the
pan and the knife s-l-o-w-l-y cut through it instead of fracturing when
she broke it into tiny pieces. I noticed that was the one thing she
DIDN'T stuff into her pie-hole this week, so that's saying a lot.
We return from commercial in time to see SLop make her Seattle Mug Cake.
She takes out the "batter that comes in the box", which astounds me
because dry mix comes in a box, not batter. Anyways, she puts the coffee
cake mix into a bowl and sets the swirl stuff aside, then adds a quarter
cup of oil USING A DRY MEASURE CUP but says it doesn't matter and two
eggs. SLop then adds a secret ingredient; hot water and "expresso". Ummm, >SLop dear, "coffee cake" does not mean "cake flavoured like coffee".
Next, things start to get crazy. Yeah, I know, big surprise. She takes
half a dozen rolls, meaning four, cuts the tops off, and puts them into a >pan. SLop then makes a milk and egg mixture for a french toast/bread
pudding effect with the ripped up tops of the rolls. She then pours half
the batter into the pan with the roll bottoms and then covers the
contents with the streudel topping packet. She then tops this with the
bread pudding mixture and pours the rest of the batter over that. For
added effect, SLop takes a long wooden skewer to make a swirl effect, but
I don't see how she can with all crap in the pan. She produces a finished >cake that is visibly burnt on the bottom and shows us the swirls on the >bottom and inside. She must be stoned because I am not seeing any swirls
at all. OMG! SLop just shoveled a HUGE piece of that chimeric cake into
her mouth! As we bop to commercial break, I am left wondering why the
version in the bumper looks nothing like what she just wolfed down and
what makes this a "Seattle" cake. Is it the "expresso"?
We return from commercials to SLop breathlessly telling us how great
sugar cookie dough is and its many uses: the base of a pie or cake,
cookies (of course), and picture frames. She mixes the dough with brandy >extract and flour, rolls it out, and cuts it into frame shapes. Hmm, this
is exactly how she made those "better than Krispy Kreme" FauxNuts, isn't
it? She then ices them and embellishes them with frosting and candy beads
and then uses the remaining frosting to glue the frames to the pictures.
Way to ruin the family pictures, SLop. Now, are we sppsd to eat these and >keep the ruined photos or display them until the ants and bugs get to
them?
Lastly, SLop makes a peach fondue out of melted white chocolate chips,
cream, and strained peaches. Does this woman have crates of chocolate
chips in her pantry or something? She adds some chocolate liquor, warning
us about the live flame on her incandescent stove, then pours it into a
jar for some meringues she bought from the store. How do you get the
peach "fondue" out of the jar when it solidifies?
SLop shows us a tablescape consisting of a colander lined with a blue
gingham apron and filled with kitchen tools and her "fondue" and
meringues. Hmm, I wonder if the pictures in those cookie frames are the
ones which come with real frames?
Oh, for the love of God. If you have the time to spend all afternoon
decorating fiddly little cookies, you have the time to make your own damn cookie dough. Why would you use expensive dough-in-a-tube for cookies that aren't even going to be eaten, when you can make a simple flour-based
nonedible dough?
I'm sure everyone noticed her horrible decorating skills. Her "Kim" on the
one frame was pathetic, as were the little "dots" (that looked like they had tails).
That was no nut brittle -- Brittle cracks, it doesn't pull apart.
So, she was telling us to put that weird-looking coffee cake into mugs before giving it away? Wouldn't it get all stale and icky? Who gives a gift like
that? The coffee cake itself had me totally flummoxed. How can you "swirl" anything with those big-ass rolls at the bottom? Who dumps coffee cake mix
over sweet rolls?
At the beginning, she talked about the "best meringues ever." They were store-bought meringues, she just put them into (excuse me, INto) a cellophane bag. Well, I guess they probably tasted better than a Sandra-made meringue.
What was that domed cake that showed up at the beginning and on the ending tablescape? Just some random pastry that wandered in?
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