• Victoria Wood's Coro sketch

    From Giles Smith@21:1/5 to Pita Enriquez Harris on Sat Jan 30 06:13:51 2021
    Loved this. Pots to side, not scythe.

    On Tuesday, 28 May 1996 at 08:00:00 UTC+1, Pita Enriquez Harris wrote:
    Since we have been discussing Victoria Wood again, I though that I would repost my transcription of her wonderful Coronation Street sketch.
    Pita ***************************************************************************** (Voice-over) Now you can buy classic episodes from your favourite
    television programmes, classic programmes which you can enjoy again and
    again and keep on enjoying!
    (Switches to old b/w titles for Coro. In the Rovers, Martha Longhurst,
    Minnie Caldwell and Ena Sharples are sitting at a table. Ena is played
    by Victoria Wood, Martha Longhurst is Julie Walters and Minnie
    Caldwell by someone else whose name I don't remember -the actress who
    played Kelly's mother, I think it was))
    MINNIE: Oooh thank you Ena, and good health
    ENA:I'll give you good ealth Minnie Caldwell!
    MINNIE: Oooh Ena, I'm sure I never meant...!
    ENA:No, you never do mean, Minnie Caldwell, so think on and look sharp! MARTHA: Oooh, sup up and shut up! I've'ad enough skriking in this bug
    'utch to last me from Weatherfield Viaduct to Whit-week walk!
    MINNIE: Its a lovely milk stout, Ena !
    ENA: By the thump, Minnie Caldwell, you take the barmcake you do!
    MARTHA: Oh leave 'er be, Ena Sharples! You've a chip on your shoulder that big, Jackson's Chippy couldn't come up wi't' vinegar!
    ENA: Put a pikelet in it Martha Longhurst and you might hear something to your advantage!
    MARTHA: 'appen I might, Ena. What's to do?
    MINNIE: Oohh yes, Ena, what's to do?
    ENA:Well, I keep me trap shut and me lug 'oles open, unlike some folk I could mention and you can 'ear some very interesting things if ye keep your 'air net pressed up against t' vestry wall!
    MARTHA: By 'eck Ena Sharples, you weren't be'ind t' mangle when they 'anded out t' stir-rods!
    MINNIE: Oooh, Ena, what 'ave ye 'eard?
    ENA: That stuck up Ida Barlow, 'oos no better than she should be...it'll not be too long before she falls under a bus! That Harry Hewitt 'l likely get crushed under the axle of 'is own van! And as for Valerie Barlow...and if this isn't judgment for setting 'erself up in 'er own front parlour as a so-called'air stylist then my name isn't Ena Sharples, from what I 'ear its two clogsto a threpenny bit that she'll electrocute 'erself with 'er own 'airdryer!
    MINNIW: But what about the poor little twins, Ena?
    MARTHA: ....their Peter and their Susan?
    ENA: Off up to Scotland and back after twenty years without so much as a Scottish accent!
    MINNIE: Ooooh that is nice! I must tell my Bobby!
    MARTHA: Is that all?
    ENA: All, Martha Long'urst? I should think it is! I can't stand
    around all day listening to gossip unlike some people! I've got clinkers
    to riddle and pots to scythe!
    MARTHA:Did you not 'ear nowt about me?
    ENA: 'appen I did, Martha Long'urst. And 'appen I didn't. But I'll tell
    you one thing... (she takes Martha's milk stout and pours it into her own glass) You won't be wanting this!

    By Victoria Wood, who after Sir John Betjeman, is probably the most
    talented Coro fan ever. IMHO of course. **************************************************************************** Dr. Pita Enriquez Harris "Ou est le singe?
    Nuffield Department of Medicine Le singe est dans l'arbre"
    Oxford Radcliffe Hospital Eddie Izzard
    http://users.ox.ac.uk/~enriquez ****************************************************************************

    --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
    * Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)