"Why do people have kids with less than stellar people??"

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/vxp3b3/why_do_people_have_kids_with_less_than_stellar/

"...It astounds me that people either don’t ask proper questions or get to know their partner before having kids and choosing a shitty spouse/partner. The issues so often described are there from the BEGINNING people don’t take the time to evaluate
themselves and what they want or who they want. Then they complain about everything wrong with the relationship or particular individual. When ALL of that or MOST of it can easily be avoided had they evaluated and asked questions.

"A friend told me when we were talking about relationships, child rearing, and parents 'You don’t talk about real stuff like finances, values, etc on dates; that’s unrealistic!! You do that stuff when you move in or are married.'

"Am I missing something here??? I SO would talk about ALL that with prospective partners before I invested in them and the relationship. Am I completely wrong in that regard?? My friend seems to think I’m a complete weirdo because I approach
relationships differently..."

(snip)

I thought this comment was especially good:

pure_rage123
18 hr. ago
"This reminds me of a guy I was seeing who was a bit bothered that I brought up not wanting kids about one month into dating and thought this was a more 3 year conversation. When I ended things because he wasn’t sure about kids and I have no interest
in dating a fence sitter, he asked why I didn’t bring it up sooner if it was so important to me…."

And:

floridorito
1 day ago
"I briefly dated a guy once who didn't want to discuss religion because 'it doesn't matter until it matters.' Um, exactly! Why wait to find out that you have totally conflicting beliefs and values and are completely incompatible?"


I haven't read all the comments, but few of them seem to be pointing out that to avoid turning people off when dating, one has to be SUBTLE about gathering information - at least, early on. I.e., there is such a thing as a happy medium between bluntness (
on the first two dates) and willful, "romantic" blindness. For starters, you can ask "what do you hope to be doing in ten years?" Nice and open-ended. If the answer includes the statement "I hope I'll have a kid or two," you'll have some a better idea
whether or not you want to continue with that person.

Amy Dacyczyn wrote (page 154 of vol. 1 of "The Tightwad Gazette):
"Largely it is a matter of thoughtfulness and style. Whipping out your two-for-one coupon at a cafeteria-style chain steak house may lack a certain class. Instead plan a modest but elegant picnic at your special private spot. If you really want to
separate the wheat from the chaff, plan a characteristically tightwad date, something that you enjoy and is a regular part of your life. It might be a date to go yard saling. You plan the route, and bring the homemade muffins and thermos of coffee.

"While you are putting out your tasteful but frugal date bait, look closely at the reaction it brings. Look for it in the eyes. A spendthrift will appear to not 'get it,' and have a furrowed quizzical look. A tightwad will twinkle with delight."

And earlier, she pointed out that the reality is that we fall in love with people we spend time with, so "it makes sense to look for the signals of all sorts of incompatibility during the first dates, before the emotional hook occurs, and not spend time
with people who appear to have dissimilar values and goals."

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)