https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/02/10/ask-amy-stingy-boyfriend-sharing-expenses/

Dear Amy: My boyfriend just graduated from college. I am working and looking for better work, while juggling college classes and living on my own in an expensive town.

We've always been very loose about sharing expenses and just generally take turns paying for things.

After a series of unfortunate events (unexpected car repairs, and subsequent unemployment), I'm at a low!

On the other hand, now that he’s out of school, my boyfriend is making good money. He is also receiving gifts amounting to thousands of dollars from family members.

He expressed he was happy to help me through this financial hardship, but recently he’s been oddly stingy about sharing expenses. For example, while splitting a grocery bill, he was reluctant to split the cost of a $1.99 jar of lemon juice because it
was going to stay at my house.

He reminds me to Venmo him for little things like coffees and sandwiches. Meanwhile, I definitely spend more money on him in little ways that he doesn’t realize — and I haven’t cared one bit.

I feel uncomfortable confronting him and demanding that he be more generous with his surplus, even though I feel like I’m spending more of my limited funds on us and haven’t complained, while he’s recently been extremely nitpicky about me paying
him back.

The real issue is that I am hurt that he’s not willing to be more generous, while I’ve always been happily generous.

I’m not sure how to confront this issue and don’t want my resentment to build up and get in the way of how much I love him.

— Financially Hurt Student


Student: I would like to tell you that this is a simple matter of communication and negotiation, but generosity is a quality that is hard to quantify. Generosity is also not dependent on income. It is about being kind toward others.

You are generous toward your boyfriend, and he is not generous toward you.

His refusal to kick in $1 toward the cost of a consumable because it will reside in your refrigerator might be a very costly saving for him in the long run, because it could cost him the relationship.

Talking about finances is hard to do, but navigating through this will be an important task. Has he contributed funds toward some of your bigger expenses that he thought were loans but you thought were gifts? Find out.

Do not approach this as a confrontation, but a conversation. Mention that you’ve noticed tension around this topic and ask him what his expectations are regarding splitting expenses. Hear him out, don’t get emotional, and play close attention to what
he says.

And then — pay close attention to what he does.

Keep in mind that it is not only important to love someone, but you have to like them, too.

(end)

There are well over 700 comments. Here's a more recent one:

mickie110:
Conventional wisdom given to Financially Hurt Student... but I'd like to share my experience. When dating, I was a bit surprised at how stingy my boyfriend seemed (always splitting bills with others, small tips, cautious with tiny expenditures, etc.). I
noticed how very generous he was in other ways (time, love, charity). His father died young, and it tilted his relationship with money to be reflexively frugal.

Fortunately, I didn't listen to conventional wisdom. And now I've been with this absolutely wonderful man for almost thirty years :)

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