• The Chili Judge

    From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to All on Tue Apr 13 07:16:34 2021
    The Chili Judge
    Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/


    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
    my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to
    do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
    the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
    to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
    over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
    spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERONI felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
    over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled- -it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when
    I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to
    go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children
    I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
    just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and
    tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
    too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    CAMERON: Momma?

    The Cameron Column
    A Free Internet Newsletter
    Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
    To subscribe, send the words 'subscribe cameron' to majordomo@cwe.com .

    Chili Judge, The Aftermath

    The following was derived from interviews with contestants, vendors and attendees, and from various official reports submitted and filed by the city police, county sheriff's office, Highway Patrol, volunteer fire department, officials of the ASPCA, and the EMS ambulance crew.

    After Judge Cameron consumed a third large spoonful of Chili #8, he lurched
    to his feet launching his folding chair back into the lovely Sally, who was catapulted off the rear of the judging stand landing flat on her back in the grass just below the stand. Cameron whispered what bystanders recounted
    sounded like a desperate plea for assistance: "Help me, for the love of God, help me," and appeared to reach for either the airborne Sally or the two pitchers of beer clutched in her hands. Two of the dogs from the Frisbee Catching Contest ran over to lap at the beer-drenched Sally and her
    thoroughly saturated clothing, such as it was. Sally attempted to demurely
    both recover her composure as well as re-cover some of her more endearing features, as she'd hit the ground fairly hard bursting a few constraints here and there. Several spectators were injured in the gentlemanly rush to provide assistance.

    As these events unfolded, Judge Cameron with a look of pain induced panic appeared to double over and lose his balance. Flailing his arms to regain steady footing, Cameron grabbed the pot of Chili #8 in a vain attempt to stabilize himself. Staggering back toward the edge of the stand, Frank
    suffered what witnesses later described as a severe internal reaction to the combined chili and beer he had consumed with such gusto.

    With a sonic boom like sound, according to many observers, Cameron sustained
    an eruption of incendiary intestinal gas, which ignited one of the dogs still licking beer from the prostrate form of Sally. The poor creature was quickly extinguished by Judge Two's quick utilization of the last pitcher of beer on the judging table. Luckily the dog was only singed, except on the side
    nearest Cameron, but the local vet said the hair should grow back the same color as it was. Cameron, in the mean time, slumped off the back edge of the stand spattering the pot of Chili #8 on himself, on Sally, and over the
    growing herd of wannabe rescuers of Sally, who was desperately fending off
    any number of helping hands. All the other Frisbee Contest dogs bounded over for the sudden chili feast adding further fuel and confusion to what would
    soon grow into utter pandemonium. Cameron in a semi-comatose state appeared peaceful as he assumed a supine position next to Sally in the grass. Sally glanced at Cameron with a gaze full of heat and passion. Any woman in the
    crowd would have recognized the danger in that glare, but the gathering of cowboys seemed inflamed as they jostled to save Sally with either mouth-to- mouth resuscitation or go directly to the ever-popular CPR.

    The noxious fumes emanating from Cameron's volcanic blast caused a stampede beginning with the throng milling around Sally. As the toxic vapors spread,
    the escalating exodus became frenzied flight quickly evolving into a
    hysterical herd trampling tents, booths, stands, and sundry chili preparation utensils. Toppled chili cook stoves and electrical wiring torn from junction boxes created a conflagration like the tri-county area has not seen before
    and, perhaps, ever again. Adding to the confusion, the fleeing horde hampered and impeded the arrival of various emergency and law enforcement personnel,
    who were therefore too late to prevent the most serious of Cameron's injuries as Sally thrashed him soundly about the head and shoulders.

    Judge Cameron is recovering in a local hospital and though not in custody, charges may yet be brought. Sally and Judge Two are dating as he did give
    Sally his jacket, although some think his effort to dry her off with a
    handful of paper towels was opportunistic at best. Judge One is attempting to become a Food Critic for some yuppie newspaper in the wine country of California.

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Tue Apr 13 22:11:00 2021
    George,

    The Chili Judge

    I wouldn't have been in this competition, but my late wife and
    a late Sysop friend would've fought it out in this one for which
    one was the hottest.

    Sorry, Janice...but I think Tim would've won. :P

    I understand that if you do eat something real hot, you should
    drink cold milk to cool your mouth down.

    Daryl

    ... Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun Apr 25 13:06:36 2021
    George,

    The Chili Judge

    I wouldn't have been in this competition, but my late wife and
    a late Sysop friend would've fought it out in this one for which
    one was the hottest.

    My wife & I created a chili recikpe my whlefamily likes (even our picky son): no beans(cuz ewww!) & the meat is chipped beef instead of ground beef.
    Contains jalapenos, hot chilis, habaneros, & an Anaheim or two, & lots of
    chili powder, flakes, & cayenne! YUUUMMMMMYYY!!!

    Sorry, Janice...but I think Tim would've won. :P

    I understand that if you do eat something real hot, you should
    drink cold milk to cool your mouth down.

    Water is the absolute worst thing to drink! Lager is suposed to fix a hot curry. The best for spicy food, by far, is buttermilk (or liquid yoghurt or acidophilous milk)

    mm, chili. . .

    Q:What do dead Norseman like in their chili?
    A:Vallhallapenos
    -=-
    *in your best Irish accent why does Irish Chili have 239 beans?
    A: If you add one more, it’ll be Two-Farty!
    -=-
    I was carrying a bowl of chili from the kitchen and my dog ran in and caused
    me to drop the entire bowl on top of him, covering him in chili.

    Now he’s a chili dog.
    -=-
    What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
    Halalapenos
    -=-
    Chili Cookout Weather Forecast:
    Chili today, hot tamale!
    -=-
    Q:How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
    A:Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Sat May 1 19:35:00 2021
    George,

    My wife & I created a chili recikpe my whlefamily likes (even our picky son): no beans(cuz ewww!) & the meat is chipped beef instead of ground beef. Contains jalapenos, hot chilis, habaneros, & an Anaheim or two, & lots of chili powder, flakes, & cayenne! YUUUMMMMMYYY!!!

    As noted, I never cared for it. And, you have a stronger constitution
    than I do in that department.

    Water is the absolute worst thing to drink! Lager is suposed to fix a
    hot curry. The best for spicy food, by far, is buttermilk (or liquid yoghurt or acidophilous milk)

    mm, chili. . .

    I think we know what your favorite food is. <G>

    Q:What do dead Norseman like in their chili?
    A:Vallhallapenos

    I would say so.

    -=-
    *in your best Irish accent why does Irish Chili have 239 beans?
    A: If you add one more, it’ll be Two-Farty!

    More like two loud blasts every farty seconds. <G>

    -=-
    I was carrying a bowl of chili from the kitchen and my dog ran in and caused me to drop the entire bowl on top of him, covering him in chili.

    Now he’s a chili dog.

    He probably enjoyed it. I saw 2 dachshund birthday cards once...one was
    for a birthday wish, that said "Have A Happy Birthday...Or, I'll Pee Behind
    The Sofa!!". The second one said "Go Ahead. Squirt Me With Mustard. I
    Deserve It!! I Forgot Your Birthday". <G>

    -=-
    What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
    Halalapenos

    Sad.

    -=-
    Chili Cookout Weather Forecast:
    Chili today, hot tamale!

    I've seen that one some restaurant marquee signs.

    My 2 favorites for the BBQ places are:

    1) You Can't Beat Our Meat.
    2) I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled.

    -=-
    Q:How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
    A:Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

    Wasn't there a music group by that name??

    Daryl

    ... "In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait." -Jose Simon
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    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Tue May 4 10:33:37 2021
    mm, chili. . .

    I think we know what your favorite food is. <G>

    It's _a_ fave food, yes, if done r ight (no kidney beans -- just meat & peppers, & maybe some tomatoes)

    *in your best Irish accent why does Irish Chili have 239 beans?
    A: If you add one more, it’ll be Two-Farty!

    More like two loud blasts every farty seconds. <G>

    About that, yup.

    What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
    Halalapenos

    Sad.

    Why? A portmanteau(valid pun fodder) of halal & jalapeno. . .

    My 2 favorites for the BBQ places are:

    1) You Can't Beat Our Meat.
    2) I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled.

    What a conkydink, so do I!

    Q:How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
    A:Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

    Wasn't there a music group by that name??

    Yup,. & I'm guessing one of their hits was "Give it away now" or some such.

    My doc looked at my gut & said I should diet.

    I replied, "You told me to watch my weigt, so put it up front where I can
    see it easily. What colour should I dye my belly to lose weight?"

    Diet is just DIE with a T --Garfield

    ok, dieting it is:

    Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he
    became completely obnoxious
    Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
    -=-
    After careful consideration, I’ve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian
    based diet.
    I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.
    [aka a second generation Vegan]
    -=-
    My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
    It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
    -=-
    My wife says I'm on a seafood diet....
    When I see food, I eat it!
    -=-
    John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...
    He's living on a pear.
    -=-
    I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet....
    I get hungry.
    -=-
    I changed my diet...
    ...the cookies now stand left of my keyboard.
    -=-
    Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis
    -=-
    Diet Diary, Day one : Have just removed all the fattening food from the
    House..
    ..and it was so delicious.
    -=-
    I thought about going on an all almond diet
    But that would be just nuts

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Tue May 4 21:27:00 2021
    George,

    1) You Can't Beat Our Meat.
    2) I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled.

    What a conkydink, so do I!

    And, having it done by a member of the opposite sex helps, too.
    Remember, dirty old Sysops need love, too. ;)

    My doc looked at my gut & said I should diet.

    I replied, "You told me to watch my weigt, so put it up front where I
    can see it easily. What colour should I dye my belly to lose weight?"

    Diet is just DIE with a T --Garfield

    My late wife said DIET is a 4 letter excuse to cheat...or an acronym for
    Did I Eat That?? <G>

    ok, dieting it is:

    Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
    Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy

    My brother can eat mangoes, but he breaks out in a rash if he touches
    the outer skin.

    After careful consideration, I’ve decided to go on an entirely
    vegetarian based diet.
    I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.

    How do you eat one of God's Creatures?? In a sandwich. :P


    My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
    It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

    Keep me abreast of any developments with her and Morganna. <G>

    -=-
    My wife says I'm on a seafood diet....
    When I see food, I eat it!

    Mine is the light version...when it gets light, and I see food, I eat it.

    -=-
    John Bon Jovi has started an extremely strict fruit only diet...
    He's living on a pear.

    I thought his distant relative was Ann Chovy.


    I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet....
    I get hungry.

    You and me both.

    -=-
    I changed my diet...
    ...the cookies now stand left of my keyboard.

    When someone said to delete the cookies, I ate another Oreo.

    -=-
    Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
    breath. This made him ..

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

    Cue the music!! <G>

    -=-
    Diet Diary, Day one : Have just removed all the fattening food from the House..
    ..and it was so delicious.

    Someone had to do it.

    -=-
    I thought about going on an all almond diet
    But that would be just nuts

    Quite so. I prefer the Mounds, but don't care for Almond Joy...does that
    mean I'm not nuts??

    Daryl

    ... Avoid that run down feeling. Stay on the sidewalk.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 16 10:33:08 2021
    1) You Can't Beat Our Meat.
    2) I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled.

    What a conkydink, so do I!

    And, having it done by a member of the opposite sex helps, too.
    Remember, dirty old Sysops need love, too. ;)

    You didn't need to specify your preference; I assumed. . .

    Now it just sounds like you weren't always too sure. . .

    > My late wife said DIET is a 4 letter excuse to cheat...or an acronym
    for
    Did I Eat That?? <G>

    She's not wrong. Technically a weight-loss diet is just ONE tyope of diet --
    a weight-gain diet is also, technically, a diet.

    > My brother can eat mangoes, but he breaks out in a rash if he touches
    the outer skin.

    Contact allergy -- my son has that for blueberries -- he loves them, can(& will) eat them just fine. . .

    After careful consideration, I’ve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian based diet.
    I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.

    How do you eat one of God's Creatures?? In a sandwich. :P

    Lkke the Saskatchewan billboard:

    "There's room for all God's creatures. .
    . . RIGHT NEXT TO THE MASHED POTATOES!"


    My wife says I'm on a seafood diet....
    When I see food, I eat it!

    Mine is the light version...when it gets light, and I see food, I eat
    it.

    Don't forget the 'A' Food Diet: you eat howevermuch you want, bt only of
    foods beginning with the letter 'A':

    Apples
    Avocados
    Artichokes
    A pie
    A cake
    A dozen cookies
    ...


    Quite so. I prefer the Mounds, but don't care for Almond Joy...does that mean I'm not nuts??

    That jingle couplet is still in my brain from the '70s. . . :P

    Joy to the world...
    Jot to the fishes in the deep blue sea. . .
    Joy to you & me. . .

    Q: How do you measure the speed of joy?...
    A: In smiles per hour!

    You might think you're a very kind person, but German children are kinder.

    Q: In the movie Inside Out, what is Joy’s blood type?
    A: B+

    A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for
    you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
    "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

    One of the joys of parenthood is to snuggle into your child’s bed during a thunderstorm to make sure they’re not scared.
    But my daughter and her husband insist they can manage on their own.

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Sun May 16 18:20:00 2021
    George,

    She's not wrong. Technically a weight-loss diet is just ONE tyope of
    diet -- a weight-gain diet is also, technically, a diet.

    Reminds me of a joke where the woman kept her husbands cremated ashes in
    a container in the house. Well, a friend thought it was an ash tray, and he kept putting his cigarette ashes in there. A few weeks later, the widow took
    a look, and said "George, you've been dead 3 months, but you've been putting
    on weight". <G>

    "There's room for all God's creatures. .
    . . RIGHT NEXT TO THE MASHED POTATOES!"

    WHAT??!! NO GRAVY??!! <G>

    Don't forget the 'A' Food Diet: you eat howevermuch you want, bt only
    of foods beginning with the letter 'A':

    Apples
    Avocados
    Artichokes
    A pie
    A cake
    A dozen cookies

    Got to top it off with dessert. :)

    Quite so. I prefer the Mounds, but don't care for Almond Joy...does that mean I'm not nuts??

    That jingle couplet is still in my brain from the '70s. . . :P

    Joy to the world...
    Jot to the fishes in the deep blue sea. . .
    Joy to you & me. . .

    When my late wife took our dachshund next door to the neighbor, she had
    her own Brussels-Griffon, and another neighbor had dropped off her poodle.
    My wife called it "A Three Dog Night-Mare". <G>

    Q: How do you measure the speed of joy?...
    A: In smiles per hour!

    Too little of that in the world nowadays.

    A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news
    for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
    "Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

    All righty, then.

    One of the joys of parenthood is to snuggle into your child’s bed
    during a thunderstorm to make sure they’re not scared.
    But my daughter and her husband insist they can manage on their own.

    I don't mind the distant rumbles of thunder...I just don't like the
    ones right outside your window from a close strike.

    Daryl

    ... Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
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  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 23 10:05:10 2021
    Reminds me of a joke where the woman kept her husbands cremated ashes in
    a container in the house. Well, a friend thought it was an ash tray, and
    he
    kept putting his cigarette ashes in there. A few weeks later, the widow
    took
    a look, and said "George, you've been dead 3 months, but you've been
    putting
    on weight". <G>

    No kidding, eh?

    "There's room for all God's creatures. .
    . . RIGHT NEXT TO THE MASHED POTATOES!"

    WHAT??!! NO GRAVY??!! <G>

    The existence of mashed potatoes necessarily presumes gravy. . . OF COURSE!!

    When my late wife took our dachshund next door to the neighbor, she had her own Brussels-Griffon, and another neighbor had dropped off her poodle. My wife called it "A Three Dog Night-Mare".

    What is a Brussels-Griffon? A cross between a baby cabbage & a lion-eagle?

    Q: How do you measure the speed of joy?...
    A: In smiles per hour!

    Too little of that in the world nowadays.

    You gotta find/make them as you go. . .

    My day out's not complete unless I have made a dozen pretty gals smile. . .


    I don't mind the distant rumbles of thunder...I just don't like the
    ones right outside your window from a close strike.

    I met a gal via an eastern BBS who flew out to staty with me for a couple weeks. She was phobic of thunder. I told her we get a distant thundrstorm
    here once aevery 4-5 years.

    Life: while we were out, on a bus, waiting for the departure time, a bolt struck the building beside us, just across the dstreet -- loudest sonic boom I've ever heard!

    Q: Wanna know what makes me smile?
    A: Face muscles.

    A bus driver in Mission told me on morning, "Smie, things could be worse..."
    So I smiled, & yup, things got worse. . .

    I wanted to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning...
    I'm not allowed to keep Sharpies in the house anymore

    Q: What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house and smiles again when you come back?
    A: The neighbour's wife


    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Tue May 25 14:34:00 2021
    George,

    WHAT??!! NO GRAVY??!! <G>

    The existence of mashed potatoes necessarily presumes gravy. . . OF COURSE!!

    There was a cartoon awhile back, where this dog used a cat and mouse to
    get all this meat, but he had to have gravy with it. Well, he made enough
    money in a deal to buy out a butcher shop, and he said "I'll never be hungry again!!".

    The next scene, he's in the animal hospital, with a huge belly, and the
    vet says "A distinct case of over eating, doctor!!". The door opens, and
    here's the cat and the mouse who were so persecuted by the dog...grinning,
    and saying "This time, we didn't forget the gravy"...and pour this huge
    drum of it down the dog's throat. <G>

    What is a Brussels-Griffon? A cross between a baby cabbage & a
    lion-eagle?

    I think that's the name of the breed...and there are some unusual ones.
    At least the weiner dog isn't a phallic symbol with paws and a tail. :P

    My day out's not complete unless I have made a dozen pretty gals smile.
    . .

    You've got work to do. <G>

    Life: while we were out, on a bus, waiting for the departure time, a
    bolt struck the building beside us, just across the dstreet -- loudest sonic boom I've ever heard!

    I've heard the static pop off of a metal doorframe from a close strike.

    Q: Wanna know what makes me smile?
    A: Face muscles.

    It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

    A bus driver in Mission told me on morning, "Smie, things could be worse..."
    So I smiled, & yup, things got worse. . .

    Sounds like my life lately.

    I wanted to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning...
    I'm not allowed to keep Sharpies in the house anymore

    ROTFL -- or in my case, it's "Ran Out To Find Lunch". <G>

    Q: What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house
    and smiles again when you come back?
    A: The neighbour's wife

    <SNORT!>.

    Daryl

    ... Floggings will continue until morale improves.
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Thu May 27 22:41:10 2021
    What is a Brussels-Griffon? A cross between a baby cabbage & a lion-eagle?

    I think that's the name of the breed...and there are some unusual ones.
    At least the weiner dog isn't a phallic symbol with paws and a tail. :P

    We got our chihuahua a hot dog bun cosume for one Halloween. Then bat wings
    so he could somewhat his skin brother's "Venom" costume, & Mom as a
    vampiress. .

    My day out's not complete unless I have made a dozen pretty gals
    smile.
    . .

    You've got work to do. <G>

    Nah -- it's to much fun to be work. Now I have a ,ask with a window so peoplecan see my mouth/smile. A cashier said she sort of got to lip-read customers to fill in for their mumbles &/or background noises. She can't be the only one!

    Q: Wanna know what makes me smile?
    A: Face muscles.

    It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

    Pretty sure that's a myth, since most frowns are just RBF -- a relaxing of
    the muscles, not an active thing.

    ROTFL -- or in my case, it's "Ran Out To Find Lunch". <G>

    Lunch is always nice, but I like breafasr & 2nd breaklfast best, tyhen
    brunch, & an optional lunch tot ide me over til dinner/supper.


    ... Floggings will continue until morale improves.


    I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.
    I had no idea she was a superhero.

    Q: What's that dog bred that is raced & looks kinda like a mini Greyhound?
    A: Whippet
    A2: Whippet real good. . .
    A3: Devo FTW

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)
  • From Daryl Stout@1:19/33 to George Pope on Fri May 28 12:49:00 2021
    George,

    We got our chihuahua a hot dog bun cosume for one Halloween. Then bat wings so he could somewhat his skin brother's "Venom" costume, & Mom as
    a vampiress. .

    I have a picture of that on my mailing labels I got printed from a ham
    radio dealer.

    Lunch is always nice, but I like breafasr & 2nd breaklfast best, tyhen brunch, & an optional lunch tot ide me over til dinner/supper.

    Well, my stomach is saying nasty things to me, and there's important mail
    at the Post Office Box. So, after I finish the QWK Mail, I've got to go out
    on errands. I had lunch at an area Sonic yesterday. I'm getting into one of those "nothing sounds good" moods, when it comes to food...as several items have gotten me "burned out".

    ... Floggings will continue until morale improves.

    I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.
    I had no idea she was a superhero.

    I used to tell my late wife "Beat Me!! Whip Me!!". She'd just look at me,
    and deadpan "No". <G>

    Q: What's that dog bred that is raced & looks kinda like a mini
    Greyhound? A: Whippet
    A2: Whippet real good. . .
    A3: Devo FTW

    We used to have one of them in Florida. They supposedly seldom bark,
    but make excellent watchdogs.

    Daryl

    ... A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. -Gore Vidal
    === MultiMail/Win v0.52
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
    * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757.2 to Daryl Stout on Sun May 30 14:27:07 2021
    We got our chihuahua a hot dog bun cosume for one Halloween. Then
    bat
    wings so he could somewhat his skin brother's "Venom" costume, & Mom
    as
    a vampiress. .

    I have a picture of that on my mailing labels I got printed from a ham radio dealer.

    A picture of my family is on mailing labels? Who's selling these?

    Lunch is always nice, but I like breafasr & 2nd breaklfast best,
    tyhen
    brunch, & an optional lunch tot ide me over til dinner/supper.

    Well, my stomach is saying nasty things to me, and there's important
    mail
    at the Post Office Box. So, after I finish the QWK Mail, I've got to go
    out
    on errands. I had lunch at an area Sonic yesterday. I'm getting into one
    of
    those "nothing sounds good" moods, when it comes to food...as several
    items
    have gotten me "burned out".

    It happens. I went off coffee for a year because of that blah feeling/taste, but now enjoy it again (probably in excess, but I've been worse (full pot by 6am, then another, then off to school at 8, where I was fuirst there,m so I made a pot of coffee & had a copulemugs beforte anyone else showed up!

    I stayed awake til the end, though, every day, & that was my goal!

    I used to tell my late wife "Beat Me!! Whip Me!!". She'd just look at
    me,
    and deadpan "No". <G>

    The danger in a masochist marrying a sadist!

    Q: What's that dog bred that is raced & looks kinda like a mini Greyhound? A: Whippet
    A2: Whippet real good. . .
    A3: Devo FTW

    We used to have one of them in Florida. They supposedly seldom bark,
    but make excellent watchdogs.

    Only if trained to bite & shred. This is why doberman dogs had their vocals removed, so they'd silently attack intruders & shred the crap out of their faces or crotches!

    The courts won't do deterrence sentencing any more, so we need to teach
    people that stealing is WRONG.

    Q: What did the security guard dog say to the drunk fan at the football stadium?
    A: “Sir, if you want to get ruff, we can take this to the barking lot.”

    I have two dogs, Security & Shin...
    ... they’re my guard dogs

    A guy walks into a pet store.....
    The clerk asked, How can I help you?
    The fella says, "I like to buy a dog please."
    "Sure thing, what kind of demeanor are you looking for?" the clerk asks.
    The guy replies, "Well, I want a guard dog, so demeanor the better."

    I can't take my guard dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps
    attacking him.
    I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

    Me- I got rid of the crows that attacked the dog today. I took them to a concert.
    Wife- What?
    Me- I got 3 of them. I was counting crows....
    Wife- stop.
    Me- yeah I think I murdered that joke...
    Wife- please stop.
    Me- looks like I’m eating crow on this one... Wife from the other room- omg
    are you done yet!?
    Me- I’m giving you the bird right now! You humor sucks!
    Wife- lol! You are an idiot!

    Your friend,

    <+]:{)}
    Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
    --- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)