Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and
I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

-= 2 =-
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out
tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-- no one wants to hear me sing!

-= 3 =-
A story from my childhood, with one of my teachers who was patient with me. .
. I didn't deserve her!

Young Cyberpope: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Young Cyberpope: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Young Cyberpope: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Young Cyberpope: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Young Cyberpope: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close
door.

Young Cyberpope: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Young Cyberpope: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Young Cyberpope: Sally has to get across a large river home to many
alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Young Cyberpope:The gators are at the party.

Young Cyberpope: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Young Cyberpope: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

-= 4 =-
In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

-= 5 =-
A couple was at this party when they suddenly get in the mood to do it. The
guy comes near the girl but she says, "I am a little hungry can you get me
some pretzels from downstairs ?"

The guy all excited runs down for pretzels but there is a huge line of people around the bowl, figuring he couldn't do much he gets in line waits and
rushes back with the pretzels. The girl, satisfying her hunger says, "Great! just it's a little too salty please be a dear and get me a small slice of
cake too."

The guy rushes down and sees the nearby table lined with people waiting for
the delicious truffle chocolate cake. He gets in waits and hurries upstairs with the cake slice.

The girl relishes the cake and content says one final thing, "I am so sorry honey ! I feel like I am making you run errands for like an eternity but I
feel a little dry can you please please be a sweetheart and get me something
to drink?"

The guy, even though slightly annoyed charges downstairs running and sees a bowl of punch at the centre table but there's no punchline.

-= 6 =-
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side
of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to
count to 10 again.

He says ‟1, 3, 5, 7, 9”.

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain.They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, ‟Look.I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the
best numbers.No one has better numbers than I do.My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the
country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she is ever seen.The best.So if you want me to count to 10, let me
tell you I can count to 10 alright.That's no problem.I'll do it.I'll.And I
will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?”

-= 7 =-
Motel Coronavirus

On a dim dreary morning
Ceiling fan stirs the air
Stale beer and Doritos
Littered next to my chair
Just outside of my window
Saw a glimmer of light
My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding
I hadn't slept all last night
Haven't shaved for a month now
Haven't showered in weeks
I started thinking to myself
2020 - this year really reeks
Murder hornets and COVID
Protests, brutality
Fires, heatwaves, and climate change
Masks and quarantine

Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus
Such a lovely place
When we can't see your face
Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus
This entire year
Well it can kiss my rear


My mind is definitely twisted
I did the sourdough thing
Tried my hand at carpentry
Gave myself a nose ring
Got my COVID beard going
Man, does it itch
And everywhere's sold out of
that darn Nintendo Switch
Just want to go somewhere
Maybe have a good time
I've been stuck in this apartment so long, it could be a war crime
And now my landlord is calling me every day
Wake me up from the middle of my nap
Just to hear him say


Welcome to the Motel Coronavirus
Such a lovely place
When we can't see your face
Livin' it up at the Motel Coronavirus
This entire year
Well it can kiss my rear

Bank account is shrinking
Ain't been paid in months
We are all just sitting here, learning to live like monks
In Congressional chambers
Fighting over the bill
We need some help to make it through
But they just never will
Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back
to 1994
Can't relax, feel so mournful
I don't want to believe
2020 is the new normal
And you can never leave

-= 8 =-
Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life.

Anyways, one day a man walked into the church after the services were over.
He walked up to the priest and asked, "May I have half of a lemon?" The
priest was confused, but didn't really care, so he went down to the kitchen, got a lemon, cut it in half, and gave half to the guy. The man said thanks,
and ran off.

The next day, after things were wrapping up, the same man came back in, and asked again, "May I have half of a lemon?" The priest was curious now, but he went down and got the other half of the lemon, giving it to the man. As happened before, the man said thanks, and ran away.

This happened for the next few days, with the man always coming in and asking for half of a lemon. The priest was really interested now, so he decided to follow this man, just to catch up to ask what he needed all the lemons for.
So, when the guy came back, the priest gave him half of a lemon, and started
to run after him.

They ran through the city streets, twisting and turning around corners and sidewalks. But eventually, the priest, being out of shape, couldn't keep up.
He walked back to the church panting.

The priest went to the gym the next day (after giving the man half a lemon,
of course). He worked on the treadmills for about a week, and was now pretty good at running (not sure how he got that much better in a week, but eh, who cares).

So, the next day, the man came in and asked for a half lemon, as usual. The priest gave it to him, and the man ran off. But the priest started following him, running up and down the streets of the town. Eventually, they got out of the town, and after going through a small field, came to a large forest. However, the floor of the forest was covered in brambles and thorns,
completely impassible without an industrial-grade machete and hours of work.

The man jumped up into the trees, though, and started jumping from branch to branch. The priest, however, sucked at climbing, so he turned around panting and went back to town, from which he started working out at the gym, doing climbing stuff, which he got good at.

The next day, the man came back, and of course asked for a half lemon, which the priest got for him. They took off, running up and down the streets,
before getting to the forest, at which point the man jumped into the trees,
but the priest followed him this time. They jumped from branch to branch, before eventually getting through and running through a field.

Eventually, they came to a massive lake, with more brambly forests on the sides. The man jumped into the water and swam across, but the priest didn't know how to swim, so he went to the pool and started learning for a few
weeks.

And of course, the man came back, asking for a half lemon, which the priest went down and got. They ran away, going through the town streets before
getting to the field, then the forest where they climbed up the trees.
Getting through, they ran up to the lake. The man jumped in and started to swim, but the priest jumped in after him.

They swam and swam across the water, eventually getting to the other side, where there was a small cabin. The priest finally caught up to the man.

"Why are you following me?" the man asked.

"I just want to know what you need all the half lemons for."

"Very well, but you must promise never to tell anyone else."

"I agree," said the priest, and being an honorable man, he meant it. The man then whispered in the priest's ear.

What did he say?

** !I don't know, the priest never told anyone, remember?! **

-= 9 =-
I don't like Haikus;
But I like ironic twists.
I am conflicted.

-= 10 =-
Q: What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than
30 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?
A: A Water Lilly.

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~#~ H/T to upjoke.com for contributions to this & last issue ~#~

I know several jokes in sign language
I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

-= 2 =-
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat!'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

-= 3 =-
A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach me?" and
the school responds, "Sure, we can teach anyone!" The horse says "But I'm a horse, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

A few weeks later, the horse is riffing on an electric guitar in the barn, which, of course, draws some attention. He's approached by the pig who asks, "Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
any insturment." "Really?" asks the pig. "Guaranteed," the horse says.

So the pig calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the keyboard," he says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach
anyone!" The pig says "But I'm a pig, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

A few weeks later, the pig is playing synth to back up the horse and it
sounds pretty good, and it draws the attention of the chicken. She comes in
and asks the horse and the pig, "Hey, how did you learn to do that?"

The horse says, "Well, there's a music school that can teach anyone to play
any insturment." "Really?" asks the chicken. "Guaranteed," confirms the pig.

So the chicken calls up and says "Hey, I want to learn to play the drums,"
she says, "Can you teach me?" and the school responds, "Sure, we can teach anyone!" The chicken says "But I'm a chicken, is that a problem?" and the school days "No, come on down!"

A few weeks later they've got a hit little trio going, drawing in all the
barn animals. A talent agent drives by and hears them, and stops to see
what's going on. He signs them instantly and they take the show on the road.

The trio have a metoric rise to fame; gold records, sold out shows, screaming fans, national tours. They're all set for their first international tour, cruising around Europe with their music.

The band is about to get on the plane when the horse gets a phone call. It's his mother; she's become very sick and taken a turn for the worse. He has to
go see her, and cen't get on the plane. His bandmates, great friends by now, tell him not to worry. They'll go on ahead and he can take another flight
after he sees his mother.

They get on the plane and the horse goes home, but, he's too late. She's already passed, and he didn't get to see her that one last time. Although he
is crushed with grief, he stays strong for his friends. He decides to
dedicate this tour to his mother.

He calls his agent to get a flight to Europe, but he is told there's no tour. The plane with the pig and chicken exploded midair - something about a fuel line. No survivors.

The horse gets in his car and speeds into town; he needs to escape this. He drives around till he finds somewhere to park, then he gets out downtown.

The horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

-= 4 =-
I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in
only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

-= 5 =-
What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother

-= 6 =-
Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.
Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold I've developed over the years.

Whats The Fonz's favorite baseball team?
The Oakland Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

What sexually transmitted disease did The Fonz contract?
Hepatitis Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Eyyyyyyyyyd's also works)

What's The Fonz's favorite country?
The U-S-of-Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Feel free to make up your own, its the gift that keeps on giving!

-= 7 =-
I always try to say 'mucho' when i'm with my Hispanic mates...

...it means a lot to them.

-= 8 =-
"I'm sad to have to tell you this, but you have ocular melanoma"

"I'm not medically minded doctor. Can you put that in layman's terms for me?"

"Yes ... I can sir"

-= 9 =-
Apparently, BBC flagship programme Newsnight is going to hire Pippa
Middleton, Kate's younger sister, as a news correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard, get straight As and go to journalism school ...

you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister has married a Prince.

-= 10 =-
We'll close with the comic quotes today:

"More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, 'Sunday.'" -Seth Meyers

"A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding
the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing,
while the dog said, panicking, 'I gotta find that blind guy. I'm in a lot of trouble if I don't find him." -Jimmy Fallon

"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably
watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming
supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as 'single.'" -Seth Meyers

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes
ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out."

-= 2 =-
~#~ ty to Twitter @Dadsaysjokes

Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
A: Someone who points out the obvious.
-=-
I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic..

Turns out he just needed a little space.
-=-
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.
-=-
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies. "

I replied, "Tell him he's very good. I don't have a son."
-=-
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”
-=-
What did Tennessee?

Same thing that Arkansas.
-=-
When I was in college, I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
-=-
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii...

Or just a low ha.
-=-
Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.
-=-
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include
a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
-=-
Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
A: A Labracadabrador.
-=-
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.
-=-
Q: Why do astronauts use linux?
A: because you can't open windows in space.
-=-

-= 3 =-
Starkle, starkle, little twink
Who the hell you are, I think
I'm not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am Besides, I've only had tea martoonies
And, anyways, I've got all day sober to Sunday up in

I fool so feelish, I don't know who's me yet But, the drunker I sit here, the longer I get"

-= 5 =-
Aging Rockers -- Tim Hawkins
https://youtu.be/Z7Nu7vamRCA (needs volume)

-= 6 =-
"What idiot called it a semicolon instead of half-arsed?"

-= 7 =-
aaand, the late night quotes:

"I've been trying to say 'I love you' more often, starting this morning. I
said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And
then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers
was making her uncomfortable." -Stephen Colbert

"According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a
man who can lie." -Seth Meyers

"Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we'll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying,
'Houston, we have a drinking problem.'" -Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, 67 percent of millennials use Netflix, which must really tick off whoever owns the account they're using." -Seth Meyers

"An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next
year. Because that's what guys want in a sex robot - intelligence." -Conan O'Brien

-= 8 =-
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth
class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you
so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

-= 9 =-
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay
but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

-= 10 =-
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."

This happens quite a few times until one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, but instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.

So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the
bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.13-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity yesterday.
However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.
-= 2 =-
Well I got some bad news for y’all
2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

-= 3 =-
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

-= 4 =-
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

-= 5 =-
I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

-= 6 =-
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

-= 7 =-
Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants think they’re wrong.

-= 8 =-
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

-= 9 =-
Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
A: Cold turkey.

-= 10 =-
Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people are
looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this to make it look like I have a friend to text

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

Can I owe you some wooden nickels?? <G>

-= 1 =-
I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity yesterday. However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

So much for giving you the bird. <G>

-= 2 =-
Well I got some bad news for y’all
2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

-= 3 =-
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
(anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

-= 4 =-
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
is "peeing all over the place". <G>

-= 5 =-
I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
to the bathroom??".

-= 6 =-
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we
wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Never mind writing software that'd work with everything. On a side
note, Microsoft Windows before Windows 10 has "Windows Explorer"...it
was changed to "File Explorer" in Windows 10. Well, that program kept
locking when I tried to access the downloads folder. So, I searched
with DuckDuckGo, and found a freeware program called "Explore++". It's
a free program, that works just like the Explorer programs (no ads,
etc., either). Plus, just extract the ZIP file (versions are for both
32-bit and 64-bit) to the desired directory, create a shortcut for it,
and you're in business. No installation, registry, or uninstallation
issues. If you don't like it, just zap the directory, and the created shortcuts.

-= 7 =-
Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants
think they’re wrong.

Just don't stick your finger inside it...those things close very
rapidly.

-= 8 =-
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

There were two friars who were looking to supplement their income, so
they started their own flower shops. Well, they were doing such good
business, that a competitor (who apparently was doing shady business
anyway), decided to torch the store.

He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can
prevent florist friars".

-= 9 =-
Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
A: Cold turkey.

Makes for good sandwiches any time of year. :)

-= 10 =-
Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people are looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this
to make it look like I have a friend to text

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Daryl

... A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

Can I owe you some wooden nickels?? <G>

Sure! They're likely worth more, for rarity:

from Google:
Wooden nickels became popular in the 1930s though they may date back as far
as the 1880s. During the Great Depression, banks in both Tenino and Blaine Washington issued emergency currency printed on thin shingles of wood due to coin shortages.

-= 1 =-
I have bad news and good news. My parrot died from obresity

yesterday.

However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

So much for giving you the bird. <G>

I took the birsd & cookerd it -- it was delicoius.

"But, dad, that was a $500 rare parrot, it could speak 15 languages!"

I replied, "Well then why didn't it say something?"

Well I got some bad news for y’all
2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

Yup, good one!

-= 3 =-
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
(anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

anal swabs with bleach (aka The Trumptard Methodology)?

-= 4 =-
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
is "peeing all over the place". <G>

That'd do it!

If someone asks you, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter how you answer, they're going to touch you. (unless you answer, "I have explosive diarrhea")

-= 5 =-
I've woken up nearly 20,000 times and I'm still not used to it.

Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
to the bathroom??".

A quandary: Schroedinger's Morgue drawer?

-= 6 =-
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Never mind writing software that'd work with everything. On a side
note, Microsoft Windows before Windows 10 has "Windows Explorer"...it
was changed to "File Explorer" in Windows 10. Well, that program kept locking when I tried to access the downloads folder. So, I searched
with DuckDuckGo, and found a freeware program called "Explore++". It's
a free program, that works just like the Explorer programs (no ads,
etc., either). Plus, just extract the ZIP file (versions are for both
32-bit and 64-bit) to the desired directory, create a shortcut for it,
and you're in business. No installation, registry, or uninstallation
issues. If you don't like it, just zap the directory, and the created shortcuts.

Nice one! Microsoft ha to be the only OS company who makes software that's incompatible with the systen(their own) it's meant to run on!

Visra was a pip: I'd close MSIE when done & I'd get a popup "Internet
Explorer has closed. . .restarting" (DAHELLL???)

I recall back in Windows 3.0 there was the ubiquitous "Unavoidable
Application Error"(the infamous "UASE") which locked everything up (much like
a BSD in later(98&ff) versions)

In 3.12 they bragged, big-time "We've fixed the UAE, you'll no longer hgave these errors."

Fixed = changed the name to General Protecton Fault (GPF--divide by zero by
any other name)

No excuse, when I programnmed (Vic=20, in BASIC) I checked all my integers, variable contents, & equations for validity. That's part of the job!

& t ht was without getting paid. Imagine paying me $30/hour how well I'd do things then!

Buy your Vegan friend a Venus Flytrap to show them how even plants think they’re wrong.

Just don't stick your finger inside it...those things close very
rapidly.

But he digestivce juices work very slowly; I've seen flies rescued a minute
or two after being trapped inside (I know -- why, right?)

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

There were two friars who were looking to supplement their income, so
they started their own flower shops. Well, they were doing such good business, that a competitor (who apparently was doing shady business anyway), decided to torch the store.

He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

He wasn't wrong.

Too bad only Hugh caused the florist fire!

Q: What's the best way to quit being vegan?
A: Cold turkey.

Makes for good sandwiches any time of year. :)

Amen! I love my turkey -- always buy one too big for our family -- I love the leftovers!

Ignore this, I'm in a pub and I'm the only one sat alone and people

are

looking at me like I'm some sort of weird loner, so just writing this to make it look like I have a friend to text

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Old budy would set a mirror up on the table when dining alone. He explains
to the waitresses who ask, "I like to eat with good looking people & have intelligent dinner conversation"

Another guy went to the snootiest restaurant in Calgarty. When the waiter asked howe he wanted his steak he said, "Just blow its nose, wipe its arse, & lead that ****** in here!"

That was a correct response in Cow Town.

... A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I have photographic memory, bu they don't make that kind of film any more
(even when they did, I kept forgetting the lens cap was on)

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Wooden nickels became popular in the 1930s though they may date back as far as the 1880s. During the Great Depression, banks in both Tenino and Blaine Washington issued emergency currency printed on thin shingles of wood due to coin shortages.

Interesting. I guess I should've offered monopoly money. <G>

So much for giving you the bird. <G>

I took the birsd & cookerd it -- it was delicoius.

I would've thought the feathers would've tickled on the way down. :P

"But, dad, that was a $500 rare parrot, it could speak 15 languages!"

I replied, "Well then why didn't it say something?"

That brings some parrot jokes to mind.

1) This woman bought this one parrot, but was warned by the pet store clerk that the bird constantly cussed. She firmly said "I'll break him of it".

Well, she gets him home, and it's "answer the d**m door!!" or "answer the f*****g phone!!". Each time, she grabs him, and puts him in the deep freeze. After a time for him to cool off (in more ways than one), she lectures the bird, and sternly said "I warned you what I'd do if you cursed. Do we understand now??". The bird, shaking violently, uttered "Yes, ma'am".

On Sunday, the preacher and his wife came over for lunch, and it was
a turkey dinner and all the trimmings. The parrot was in a cage way
above the table, and noted the "basted bird", and said "What'd you do??
Say g*****n??".

2) A preacher and his wife had a rare male parrot that they wanted to
breed, but the bird always said "Let's Pray". Well, the preacher's wife
found a female parrot that said "Let's Neck". So, they put the birds in
the cage together, and it went like this:

Male Parrot: "Let's Pray".
Female Parrot: "Let's Neck".
Male Parrot: "My prayers have been answered".

3) This guy had a parrot, and taught him to ask whenever someone came
to the door "Who Is It??". The person at the door would then answer,
and the owner would decide to open the door or not. Well, the owner
had a plumbing issue at the house, but needed to get some stuff from
the store. He figured he'd run down the street to the store before the
plumber arrived. Well, as soon as he was out of sight, here comes the
plumber.

The plumber knocks on the door, and the parrot asks "Who Is It??".
The man replies "It's the plumber!!".

Well, there's no response, so the guy knocks again, and the parrot
again asks "Who Is It??". The man again replies "It's the plumber!!".

This goes on repeatedly, and the plumber gets his blood pressure up
so much, that he collapses on the front porch.

About that time, the home owner arrives, and sees the downed man
on the porch, and asks "Who Is It??", and the parrot replies "It's
The Plumber". <G>

We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

Yup, good one!

I'm in one of my nether moods.

I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
(anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

anal swabs with bleach (aka The Trumptard Methodology)?

Well, if that doesn't kill the germs, nothing will.

Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
is "peeing all over the place". <G>

That'd do it!

If someone asks you, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter how you
answer, they're going to touch you. (unless you answer, "I have
explosive diarrhea")

Then, threaten to drop your pants and underwear right before you
"fire off the first volley".

Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
to the bathroom??".

A quandary: Schroedinger's Morgue drawer?

It would seem so.

Nice one! Microsoft ha to be the only OS company who makes software
that's incompatible with the systen(their own) it's meant to run on!

I guarantee you if M$ ever put in a deal to disable any competing
software (browser, utility, etc.), forcing you to use Edge, Office, etc.,
folks would be leaving Windows in droves.

Visra was a pip: I'd close MSIE when done & I'd get a popup "Internet Explorer has closed. . .restarting" (DAHELLL???)

I called it Internut Exploder.

I recall back in Windows 3.0 there was the ubiquitous "Unavoidable Application Error"(the infamous "UASE") which locked everything up
(much like a BSD in later(98&ff) versions)

There's a utility from IObit software (I use many of their programs)
that'll take care of uninstalls, and other things, when it says "Windows
can't do this".

Fixed = changed the name to General Protecton Fault (GPF--divide by
zero by any other name)

There are likely some who think you can get something when dividing by nothing.

No excuse, when I programnmed (Vic=20, in BASIC) I checked all my integers, variable contents, & equations for validity. That's part of
the job!

In a batchfile or program code, one missed letter, integer, number, etc., will make all the difference in the world.

But he digestivce juices work very slowly; I've seen flies rescued a minute or two after being trapped inside (I know -- why, right?)

I'll say. Maybe they should invent a big one for a means of execution
for the thugs. <G>

He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh.
They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

He wasn't wrong.

Not at all.

Amen! I love my turkey -- always buy one too big for our family -- I
love the leftovers!

Being an amateur radio operator, when I eat ham, I'm cannibalistic. <G>

Old budy would set a mirror up on the table when dining alone. He explains to the waitresses who ask, "I like to eat with good looking people & have intelligent dinner conversation"

I talk to myself when I need expert advice.

Another guy went to the snootiest restaurant in Calgarty. When the
waiter asked howe he wanted his steak he said, "Just blow its nose,
wipe its arse, & lead that ****** in here!"

Wow.

I have photographic memory, bu they don't make that kind of film any
more (even when they did, I kept forgetting the lens cap was on)

Like the blondes looking for the film in the digital camera.

Daryl

... Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

George,

Wooden nickels became popular in the 1930s though they may date back

as

far as the 1880s. During the Great Depression, banks in both Tenino

and

Blaine Washington issued emergency currency printed on thin shingles

of

wood due to coin shortages.

Interesting. I guess I should've offered monopoly money. <G>

Monopoly money can be used for purchases, if the seller agrees. (& it's not a case of not understanding, of course, as that's fraud)

Interesting; I learned that unrolled coins, yp to the value of a half roll
arre legal tender, but over that amount, not, so those who say they pilled a disputed traffic ticket in nickels are lying.

If he shows up with $180 worth of loose nickels, it's legally the same as not trying to pay the ticket at all.

If Ui was mad enough & had lots of time I didn't value, I could go in with 25 pennies(umm, nope, no pennies in Canada), 20 nickels, 25 dimes, 20 quarters,
12 Loonies($1 coins), 25 Twonies($2 coins), dump it on the counter & say,
"I'd like to make a partial payment please," & after I receive the updated statement/receipt, go to back of line & repeat with same set of loose, mixed coins! Until I get a "paid in full" receipt.

But, nahh. . . I was going to keep going back to get my 25c of pennies
changed to a quarter, at a time, at the bank, but one took pity on me, seeing
I had a bag of about $10 worth, & rolled them up for me in one transaction. (didn't legally have to accept more than 25)

Coins, coins, hmmm. . .

Q: How can the National Mint be so short on coins?
A: It makes no cents.

I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.
It was my climb-it change.

My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, without explanation.
It doesn't make any cents!

Did you hear about the coin shortage?
Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!
[is okay we have NONE in Canada any more]

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
It's my dry cents of humor

Today my friend threw a coin at me and it went through my eyeglasses
He said heh you didn't exspec that

My friend was hit by a car shortly after throwing coins in a wishing well
I thought “well that’s unfortunate”

A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for people who don’t like change.

Okay, moving on. . .

So much for giving you the bird. <G>

I took the birsd & cookerd it -- it was delicoius.

I would've thought the feathers would've tickled on the way down. :P

"But, dad, that was a $500 rare parrot, it could speak 15 languages!"

I replied, "Well then why didn't it say something?"

That brings some parrot jokes to mind.

1) This woman bought this one parrot, but was warned by the pet store

clerk

that the bird constantly cussed. She firmly said "I'll break him of it".

Well, she gets him home, and it's "answer the d**m door!!" or "answer

the

f*****g phone!!". Each time, she grabs him, and puts him in the deep

freeze.

After a time for him to cool off (in more ways than one), she lectures the bird, and sternly said "I warned you what I'd do if you cursed. Do we understand now??". The bird, shaking violently, uttered "Yes, ma'am".

On Sunday, the preacher and his wife came over for lunch, and it was
a turkey dinner and all the trimmings. The parrot was in a cage way
above the table, and noted the "basted bird", and said "What'd you do??
Say g*****n??".

2) A preacher and his wife had a rare male parrot that they wanted to
breed, but the bird always said "Let's Pray". Well, the preacher's wife found a female parrot that said "Let's Neck". So, they put the birds in
the cage together, and it went like this:

Male Parrot: "Let's Pray".
Female Parrot: "Let's Neck".
Male Parrot: "My prayers have been answered".

3) This guy had a parrot, and taught him to ask whenever someone came
to the door "Who Is It??". The person at the door would then answer,
and the owner would decide to open the door or not. Well, the owner
had a plumbing issue at the house, but needed to get some stuff from
the store. He figured he'd run down the street to the store before the plumber arrived. Well, as soon as he was out of sight, here comes the plumber.

The plumber knocks on the door, and the parrot asks "Who Is It??".
The man replies "It's the plumber!!".

Well, there's no response, so the guy knocks again, and the parrot
again asks "Who Is It??". The man again replies "It's the plumber!!".

This goes on repeatedly, and the plumber gets his blood pressure up
so much, that he collapses on the front porch.

About that time, the home owner arrives, and sees the downed man
on the porch, and asks "Who Is It??", and the parrot replies "It's
The Plumber". <G>

We're still in trouble, because with 2021, 2020 won.

Yup, good one!

I'm in one of my nether moods.

I guess that's what the Chinese are doing for a COVID-19 check
(anal swabs). Talk about "Turning The Tide". :P

anal swabs with bleach (aka The Trumptard Methodology)?

Well, if that doesn't kill the germs, nothing will.

Or like the meme where there is male and female pod of peas.
The male is tickling the female...she screams "STOP!!", as she
is "peeing all over the place". <G>

That'd do it!

If someone asks you, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter how you answer, they're going to touch you. (unless you answer, "I have explosive diarrhea")

Then, threaten to drop your pants and underwear right before you
"fire off the first volley".

Or like the guy who wakes up in the morgue, and wonders "If I'm
alive, what am I doing here?? If I'm dead, how come I have to go
to the bathroom??".

A quandary: Schroedinger's Morgue drawer?

It would seem so.

Nice one! Microsoft ha to be the only OS company who makes software that's incompatible with the systen(their own) it's meant to run on!

I guarantee you if M$ ever put in a deal to disable any competing
software (browser, utility, etc.), forcing you to use Edge, Office, etc., folks would be leaving Windows in droves.

Visra was a pip: I'd close MSIE when done & I'd get a popup "Internet Explorer has closed. . .restarting" (DAHELLL???)

I called it Internut Exploder.

I recall back in Windows 3.0 there was the ubiquitous "Unavoidable Application Error"(the infamous "UASE") which locked everything up (much like a BSD in later(98&ff) versions)

There's a utility from IObit software (I use many of their programs) that'll take care of uninstalls, and other things, when it says "Windows can't do this".

Fixed = changed the name to General Protecton Fault (GPF--divide by zero by any other name)

There are likely some who think you can get something when dividing by nothing.

No excuse, when I programnmed (Vic=20, in BASIC) I checked all my integers, variable contents, & equations for validity. That's part

of

the job!

In a batchfile or program code, one missed letter, integer, number,

etc.,

will make all the difference in the world.

But he digestivce juices work very slowly; I've seen flies rescued a minute or two after being trapped inside (I know -- why, right?)

I'll say. Maybe they should invent a big one for a means of execution
for the thugs. <G>

He was arrested, and at the trial, it was learned his name was Hugh. They asked why he set the place ablaze, and he replied "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

He wasn't wrong.

Not at all.

Amen! I love my turkey -- always buy one too big for our family -- I love the leftovers!

Being an amateur radio operator, when I eat ham, I'm cannibalistic. <G>

Old budy would set a mirror up on the table when dining alone. He explains to the waitresses who ask, "I like to eat with good looking people & have intelligent dinner conversation"

I talk to myself when I need expert advice.

Another guy went to the snootiest restaurant in Calgarty. When the waiter asked howe he wanted his steak he said, "Just blow its nose, wipe its arse, & lead that ****** in here!"

Wow.

I have photographic memory, bu they don't make that kind of film any more (even when they did, I kept forgetting the lens cap was on)

Like the blondes looking for the film in the digital camera.

Daryl

... Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Monopoly money can be used for purchases, if the seller agrees. (& it's not a case of not understanding, of course, as that's fraud)

They're constantly having to make changes to stay ahead of the counterfeiters. Never mind those building kitchen cabinets to go
into narrow spaces. <G>

Interesting; I learned that unrolled coins, yp to the value of a half
roll arre legal tender, but over that amount, not, so those who say
they pilled a disputed traffic ticket in nickels are lying.

When I worked for Burger King over 40 years ago, in manager training, I
had to work with those rolled coins. With COVID-19, they're encouraging
folks to up their purchase to the next dollar, or use a credit or debit
card, as they're short on coinage.

If he shows up with $180 worth of loose nickels, it's legally the same
as not trying to pay the ticket at all.

Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

If Ui was mad enough & had lots of time I didn't value, I could go in
with 25 pennies(umm, nope, no pennies in Canada), 20 nickels, 25 dimes,
20 quarters, 12 Loonies($1 coins), 25 Twonies($2 coins), dump it on the counter & say, "I'd like to make a partial payment please," & after I receive the updated statement/receipt, go to back of line & repeat with same set of loose, mixed coins! Until I get a "paid in full" receipt.

Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a
deposit in pennies.

Q: How can the National Mint be so short on coins?
A: It makes no cents.

They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and
upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had
to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.
It was my climb-it change.

Or the woman holding her purse open during a cloudy day, because she
was expecting some change in the weather. <G>

My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, without explanation.
It doesn't make any cents!

Congress seems to have a lot of that, even though the country is trillions
of dollars in debt.

Did you hear about the coin shortage?
Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!
[is okay we have NONE in Canada any more]

America can't be far behind.

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
It's my dry cents of humor

If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

Today my friend threw a coin at me and it went through my eyeglasses
He said heh you didn't exspec that

At least it didn't double as a monacle.

My friend was hit by a car shortly after throwing coins in a wishing
well I thought “well that’s unfortunate”

I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing
well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
the line ham radio rig. <G>

A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for
people who don’t like change.

The only change now seems to be with underwear....because change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Daryl

... Blizzard Warning: Your Dairy Queen Treat Is Ready.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

George,

Monopoly money can be used for purchases, if the seller agrees. (&

it's

not a case of not understanding, of course, as that's fraud)

They're constantly having to make changes to stay ahead of the counterfeiters. Never mind those building kitchen cabinets to go
into narrow spaces. <G>

Like guy who the waden said he'd release him early if he helped refit his(warden's) kitchen, as the guy was a detail carpenter.

Con said, "No way, sir, counterfitting's what got me in here in the first place!"

Interesting; I learned that unrolled coins, yp to the value of a half roll arre legal tender, but over that amount, not, so those who say they pilled a disputed traffic ticket in nickels are lying.

When I worked for Burger King over 40 years ago, in manager training, I had to work with those rolled coins. With COVID-19, they're encouraging folks to up their purchase to the next dollar, or use a credit or debit card, as they're short on coinage.

Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible (but most still accept coins)

If he shows up with $180 worth of loose nickels, it's legally the

same

as not trying to pay the ticket at all.

Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

Never heard of this one.

If Ui was mad enough & had lots of time I didn't value, I could go in with 25 pennies(umm, nope, no pennies in Canada), 20 nickels, 25

dimes,

20 quarters, 12 Loonies($1 coins), 25 Twonies($2 coins), dump it on

the

counter & say, "I'd like to make a partial payment please," & after I receive the updated statement/receipt, go to back of line & repeat

with

same set of loose, mixed coins! Until I get a "paid in full" receipt.

Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a deposit in pennies.

Don't know it.

Then there's O Henry's short story of the old country gent trying to open a bank account with a $53 cheque, whgo got ticked off during the process & said to refund all his money & close the account.

The teller asked how he'd like the money(which bills).

"In fifties."

"& how would you like the $3?"

"In threes!"

There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.

Q: How can the National Mint be so short on coins?
A: It makes no cents.

They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

I worked out that I could make about $20/year if I paid with 3 pennies every time the bill rounded to .98, & with debit if it was .02.

Or vice versaq -- bsaically, so the rounding was always in my pocket somehow.

But my timie's worth more than that.

I also coujld've got unlimited free candy by going to the bulk candy shop & buying 2-3 jellybeans for 2c, rounding to $0.00 cost. & repeating over &
over, until the owner, if smart, instituted a policy of 5c minimum purchase.

Or the woman holding her purse open during a cloudy day, because she
was expecting some change in the weather. <G>

Worth a try. . .

My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

Refresh my memory, please?

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working,

without

explanation.
It doesn't make any cents!

Congress seems to have a lot of that, even though the country is

trillions

of dollars in debt.

Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

Did you hear about the coin shortage?
Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!
[is okay we have NONE in Canada any more]

America can't be far behind.

It only makes sense(but no cents)

I chuckle when I remember that my coins aren't moist.
It's my dry cents of humor

If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

That's not what they mean by "money laundering"

I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
the line ham radio rig. <G>

Could've become a roast beef sandwich, or a triple BBQ burger!

> The only change now seems to be with underwear....because change is

inevitable, except from vending machines.

Man ordered a hot dog from a Coney Island Philosopher's Hot Dog cart by
asking, "Make me one with everything."

He paid with a $20 bill. Not receiving money back, he asked for his change.

The cart man replied, "Change must come from within."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Like guy who the waden said he'd release him early if he helped refit his(warden's) kitchen, as the guy was a detail carpenter.

Con said, "No way, sir, counterfitting's what got me in here in the
first place!"

Touche'.

Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible
(but most still accept coins)

I usually just pay with the debit card.

Sort of like the guy who got his final paycheck from his job in pennies (along with a vulgar note).

Never heard of this one.

It has been on the FoxNews website at times.

Reminds me of the cartoon, where the elderly woman is going to make a deposit in pennies.

Don't know it.

It was about the woman telling her husband that "you thought YOU had a
rough day".

There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.

There was a $2 bill years ago...I still have the one my late father
gave me.

They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

I like to have a small pouch/coin purse for my change...although I
normally don't carry that much change with me.

My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...
Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

Never mind penniless.

Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

Refresh my memory, please?

She went and robbed the banks, and changed the assets to what she had left...63 cents. At the end, they thought it was Wilma's Mother-In-Law
who was the guilty party.

Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

Both parties accuse the other of "tax and spend". Talk about the pot
calling the kettle black.

If you leave them in your clothing and they get washed, they will be.

That's not what they mean by "money laundering".

Really.

I saw a ham radio cartoon, where the woman was in front of the wishing well, wanting to be "irrestible to men". She got changed into a top of
the line ham radio rig. <G>

Could've become a roast beef sandwich, or a triple BBQ burger!

That works, too. I need to stop answering messages and go eat!!

Man ordered a hot dog from a Coney Island Philosopher's Hot Dog cart by asking, "Make me one with everything."

He paid with a $20 bill. Not receiving money back, he asked for his change.

The cart man replied, "Change must come from within."

LOL!! Good one!!

Daryl

... Does "MNP-5" mean "Modem needs a 5 topping pizza"??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

Yeah, stores here have been requesting payment by card, if possible (but most still accept coins)

I usually just pay with the debit card.

I do when I can, but if I only have cash (like if I take out some of my stock sales from the other bank in cash (they charge me $2 per transcation, so Interac debit's out for me) I'll use it.


> GP> There was a $3 bill, legal tender, long ago, in Utah. It failed.

There was a $2 bill years ago...I still have the one my late father
gave me.

The US $2 bill is still issued & is legal tender.

The gift shop at Monticello makes a point of including one in your change whenever possible. (I'm guessing Jefferson is on the $2 bill)

People stopped using $2 billsd because the church said they were evil, as
that was the typical bill used for horse racing bets.

Same up here; in the prairies & the east provinces, you'd not see them, bu
here in BC, they were common (anytime yourchange was 2, 3 or $4-something,
you got $2 bill(s) in your change. Now, ity's a $2 coin only & they're
treated like quarters (no biggie, just heavy if you collect too many in your pocket, especially as the $1 is also a coin)

They are still talking about ending manufacturing of the pennies, and upping all prices to end in 5 or 0, with tax.

We did this a while ago -- so much less change to tote around!

I like to have a small pouch/coin purse for my change...although I normally don't carry that much change with me.

I had a wonderful little change purse -- easy one-handed action, but that dollar store shut down now. . . (high rises going in there; the crappy strip mall sold for over $20M); I give my $2 & $1 coinms to the homeless when I see them.

> > Never mind Grandma Dynamite in an episode of The Flintstones.

Refresh my memory, please?

She went and robbed the banks, and changed the assets to what she had left...63 cents. At the end, they thought it was Wilma's Mother-In-Law
who was the guilty party.

I dont recall that one; just the one where the 'old lady' was printing money
& hired another iold lady (Wilma, in costume) to be her assistant & go buy things, always with $100 bills (laundering the funny money the hard way)

Yup, they do love to spend; our houses are the same. . .

Both parties accuse the other of "tax and spend". Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

You know itZ1 If you get to be age 30 & don't understand this, you shouldn't
be allowed to vote, I say!

Mark Twain said it best: "It doesn't matter who you vote for, the "Damned Government" gets in anyway!

That works, too. I need to stop answering messages and go eat!!

My son just brought up my lunch. (my daughter had just gone to McD to pick up lunces for all)

I'm almost done my mocha, then lunch is over. (my 2-hour work day finished at noon)

... Does "MNP-5" mean "Modem needs a 5 topping pizza"??

Works for me! But I prefer "modemmer" as my modem doesn't eat pizza, but I
do!

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

If you especially like one, post another yuou like; if you especially don't like one, plost an example of what you'd prefer. . . :)

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your credit card that
we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

-= 2 =-
The late night/etc. quotes:

"Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce
by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is
giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

"A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the
difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions,
like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause infections and rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

"A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

"YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to
say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you." -James Corden

-= 3 =-
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The
farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole
grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair
that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want."

-= 4 =-
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

-= 5 =-
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently
died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

-= 6 =-
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me
which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be asking those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the principal and tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be discussing this kind of thing in class."

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if anyone else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his hand. "The answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary,
I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

-= 7 =-
~#~ H/T to Daryl Stout in Fido's FUNNY for this set ~#~

Famous Last Words
Daryl Stout

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

"I know good mushrooms when I see them!"

"Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."

"Bungee jumping is perfectly safe. Here, I'll show you."

"What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"

"Of course it's safe!"

"Is this gun loaded?"

"Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."

"What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"

"How deep is this chasm?"

"There is no quicksand here."

"Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."

"Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."

"Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"

"I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."

"Don't worry, I took gun safety"

"What's this button?"

"So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"

"You dare me?"

"I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
(five days before the Crash of 1929)

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

"God himself could not sink this ship."
Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances."

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

"Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
popular holidays for the late 1960's

'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society,
1890-5.

'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal
Society, 1890-5.

"About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some
reasonable position in between?"

# Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

-= 8 =-
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had
gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a
Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

-= 9 =-
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

-= 10 =-
A woman of undisclosed hgair colour is walking down the street, with her
blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you
for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your
credit card that we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee!
;)

You forgot the fee for whining and complaining. <G>

-= 1 =-
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

Good cluck to both of them?? <G>

-= 2 =-
The late night/etc. quotes:

"Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

There was a jingle awhile back that noted "Nestle's makes the very
best chocolate". I'm sure Hershey had something to say about that. Or,
like the late Red Skelton noted, the various types of sneezes:

1) The chocolate bar sneeze: Hershey
2) The inquisitive sneeze: Who's She?
3) The samaurai sneeze: Kanitcheewah (sp?).

He then said "For the next one, the folks on the front rows may need
to move back a bit"...at which point, everyone in the orchestra pit
opened up an umbrella. <G>

"A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of
questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

Good question.

"According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause
infections and rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex
in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

So, it'd be a "Jac-off-cuzzi"?? :P

"A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest
her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so
much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

I would say not.

"YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I
just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you." -James Corden

You got that right.

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm
and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

<snip!>

The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well,
I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they
want."

Sort of like the chicken crossing the road to buy eggs from the grocery store, so the owners won't think she has gone into "henopause". :P

Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times
ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

But, in blackjack, you're busted at twenty-two.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had
recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Or like the one where the girl is crying as she is burying her goldfish inside this huge shoebox. When asked by the neighbor why she used such a
big box for a tiny goldfish, the girl replied "because it's inside your
cat".

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear
one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

I heard of one little boy going around, bragging that "I have 2 tallywhackers". A man observing this quipped "He's going to make some
girl happy". :P

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

"I know good mushrooms when I see them!"

I thought a mush room was where the babies were fed.

"Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."

Or the guy asks "does your dog bite?". When told "no" by the person
walking the dog, the guy puts his hand out, and the dog bites him.
The guy said "I thought you said your dog didn't bite", and was told
"That's not my dog".

"Bungee jumping is perfectly safe. Here, I'll show you."

Must've used inferior rope.

"What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"

King Kong was busy.

"Of course it's safe!"

Somebody tore off the warning label.

"Is this gun loaded?"

Pull the trigger and see.

"Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."

Depends on how fast you're going.

"What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"

It means you're about to glow in the dark, but you'll never know it.

"How deep is this chasm?"

Take a jump and see.

"There is no quicksand here."

It's only slow on a bad day/

"Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."

Be careful where that cable comes in contact with you.

"Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."

You can catch the next flight.

"Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"

The barrel is breaking down??

"I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."

Throw a 10 cent piece in front of it, and it'll stop on a dime.

"Don't worry, I took gun safety"

And, it took your intelligence away.

"What's this button?"

Depends on the color.

"So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"

Bother him and find out.

"You dare me?"

No, but if you're dumb enough...

"I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

Itty Bitty Mind.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

That diagnosis blew up on him.

"This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

His spirit went further than St. Louis.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
(five days before the Crash of 1929)

Just like any overinflated balloon, it'll burst someday.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

Probably thought the idea would never take flight in battle.

"God himself could not sink this ship."
Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

Voice From The Heavens: "Is That Your Final Answer??".

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."

The only moon one usually reaches is if they're reaching out to touch someone's butt cheeks.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

Then, why is the patent office still in business??

"Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

Safe to say he was trunk-ated. <G>

'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
popular holidays for the late 1960's

Things did get rather drafty.

'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

They didn't count the available lifeboats.

'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

Amazing how it has changed from back then.

'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

There was a 45 rpm record years ago, a compilation of their
tunes, as an interview...entitled "Beatlemania".

'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

Amateur radio was around before KDKA.

'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

He never rode the Hindenberg.

'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

I guess the other 25 letters didn't sound right.

"About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some reasonable position in between?"

Only if you're a contortionist.

Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it
really?"

Some are still trying to figure it out.

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Never mind Out Behind The Barn.

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I
could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

Oops.

Daryl

... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

But, in blackjack, you're busted at twenty-two.

I think the trick is to never get to 22! The goal is 21 so if you always get to 21 you'll always win, until they kick you out of he casino, then every casino.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in

Heaven

right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead

dog?"

I wiosh people would stop making up styupd storiers or kids that teach the a mockery of God.

Or like the one where the girl is crying as she is burying her goldfish inside this huge shoebox. When asked by the neighbor why she used such a
big box for a tiny goldfish, the girl replied "because it's inside your cat".

I recall the girl using a gratuitive intensive(a 9th part of speech that I've coined) before "cat."; possibly a homophonic synonym for weir.

'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
popular holidays for the late 1960's

Things did get rather drafty.

BWAHAHA!! I've met so many people of acertain age who were posted in Canada
for their Vietnam tour. Good folk, too.

> GP> 'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh

in Canada 1965. They went on to produce five albums and
eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

There was a 45 rpm record years ago, a compilation of their
tunes, as an interview...entitled "Beatlemania".

There's an album out of Elvis' pre-set & between set mumblings, jokes, & goofinig. . . Mostly it's him flirting with hot girls in the front row.

'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

Amateur radio was around before KDKA.

What is KDKA?

'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1890-5.

I guess the other 25 letters didn't sound right.

Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations A
through G.

... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.

The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence and nudity
It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

My friend was arrested for public nudity...
...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of material evidence.

There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
The case was clothed

Q: How do you spot the blind man on a nude beach?
A: It's not hard.

Q: What do you call a nude artist who keeps drawing butt picture?
A: A crack addict.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
I personally am on the fence

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
A: He has sesame seed buns

Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

What is KDKA?

The first US broadcast radio station in Pennsylvania.

Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations A through G.

Never mind 6-Up.

The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more violence
and nudity
It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

That's nudity on the bounty. :P

My friend was arrested for public nudity...
...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of
material evidence.

The wife told her husband if he had dropped his pants and underwear
at the administrative law judge hearing, they would've granted disability
right there. :P

There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
The case was clothed

In cold areas, nudist colonies are clothed for the winter.

Q: How do you spot the blind man on a nude beach?
A: It's not hard.

Maybe he's just very impotent.

Q: What do you call a nude artist who keeps drawing butt picture?
A: A crack addict.

Dancing cheek to cheek.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
I personally am on the fence

This woman goes into the hope of her son and daughter-in-law for a
visit, and is horrified to find her daughter-in-law, laying on the
couch, naked as a jaybird, with romantic perfume and music in the air.
She asks what's going on, and is told "This is my love dress. When my
husband comes home after work, he can't resist me, and ravishes me".

So, the woman tries it at home. Her husband walks in, sees her
naked, and asked what's going on. When his wife replies "This is my
love dress", her husband replied "It needs ironing, as it's all
wrinkled. What's for dinner??".

His funeral is next Tuesday. <G>

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
A: He has sesame seed buns

I don't want to know about the special sauce. :P

Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov

Now, I do need a pain pill. :P

Daryl

... My name is Baud: James Baud.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

What is KDKA?

The first US broadcast radio station in Pennsylvania.

Yup, & their first broadcast day was on election day, so people could hear
the resaults of the Cox-Harding race. It's still going today. . .

Sone wag said he felt really sorry for those who tested Preperations

A

through G.

Never mind 6-Up.

I forgot about those. . . or "Lithiated Soda" was the non-commercial generic name -- meant for manic-depressives (those with bipolar disorder)

The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to have more

violence

and nudity
It's going to be rated "Arrr..."

That's nudity on the bounty. :P

A bounty of nudity works for me -- God created us naked & that's the natural way to be -- the clothing is just a symbol of shame.

Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are legit to
live nude (where permitted, of course)

My friend was arrested for public nudity...
...but the charges were thrown out of court because of a lack of material evidence.

The wife told her husband if he had dropped his pants and underwear
at the administrative law judge hearing, they would've granted disability right there. :P

He thoght about it, but had forgotten by the time he got to the end of the lock, so just languished in a cell, awaiting his trial for Public Nudity.

Sadlyl, his wife sdoscovered the neighbour didsn't have a 'disability
problem' & won't be available to testify on his behalf.

There was a court case on public nudity but don't worry
The case was clothed

In cold areas, nudist colonies are clothed for the winter.

I looked it up(I'm "Curious George") & we do have a 24/7/365 nude colony here in Vancouver -- it's an indoor colony for some reason)

There are a dozen plus in Florida, of course, all outdoor!

This woman goes into the hope of her son and daughter-in-law for a
visit, and is horrified to find her daughter-in-law, laying on the
couch, naked as a jaybird, with romantic perfume and music in the air.
She asks what's going on, and is told "This is my love dress. When my husband comes home after work, he can't resist me, and ravishes me".

So, the woman tries it at home. Her husband walks in, sees her
naked, and asked what's going on. When his wife replies "This is my
love dress", her husband replied "It needs ironing, as it's all
wrinkled. What's for dinner??".

His funeral is next Tuesday.

She gave the impression, a the funeral, she was flat-out devestated by his untimely death. .

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
A: He has sesame seed buns

I don't want to know about the special sauce. :P

I figured -- you'll note, I kindly omitted that line. . . :D

Headline: NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov

Now, I do need a pain pill.

Groan, I know. . .hope the pill helps. . pain sucks! I know! I have kidney stones & bad teeth!

Q: Did you hear about the students complaining of aches and fatigue when they did math homework?
A: They're calling it fibromyalgebra.

It hurts me to say this....
But, I have a sore throat.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.

If you get hurt before you are 18, it’s just a minor injury.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
It was a twerk place injury

Q: Where is the worst place to drive when your wrist hurts?
A: Carpool tunnel.

When in a new relationship, does your stomach hurt because of the butterflies...
Or the farts you hold in.

They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out
of bed
I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics ...
Now, I have back issues.

Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

Ok, that's enough pain for today. . .

Smile, or don't -- it's your day!

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

A bounty of nudity works for me -- God created us naked & that's the natural way to be -- the clothing is just a symbol of shame.

Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are legit
to live nude (where permitted, of course)

Such as a home, nudist camp, medical, or shower areas. With incontinence, it's better to sleep that way...you don't have to rush to get everything
off before you get to the facilities.

There are a dozen plus in Florida, of course, all outdoor!

Overseas, especially in Europe, it's like "meh!" when it comes to nudity.

Groan, I know. . .hope the pill helps. . pain sucks! I know! I have
kidney stones & bad teeth!

Ever since I started drinking iced tea exclusively, I've had zero
kidney stones (I've probably jinxed myself now). But, tea is a diuretic...
sort of a low grade form of Lasix. Yet, a cool sweet tea on a hot day is refreshing...just like a slice of cold watermelon.

Q: Did you hear about the students complaining of aches and fatigue
when they did math homework?
A: They're calling it fibromyalgebra.

It was numeric, as the old meric didn't compute.

It hurts me to say this....
But, I have a sore throat.

There's medicine for that.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.

You need to Parkay that elsewhere.

If you get hurt before you are 18, it’s just a minor injury.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery??

I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
It was a twerk place injury

It's cranial rectal syndome (head up butt)...the most common workplace injury.

Q: Where is the worst place to drive when your wrist hurts?
A: Carpool tunnel.

Especially when the road is washed out.

When in a new relationship, does your stomach hurt because of the butterflies...
Or the farts you hold in.

I saw a meme that captioned "sitting next to your crush, and trying
not to fart".

They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed
I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

Getting old is NOT for sissies.

I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics
... Now, I have back issues.

That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

And Datknee is next. Donald!! Duck!!

Daryl

... Clones are people two.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

Those who are saved & have found their way back to His paths, are

legit

to live nude (where permitted, of course)

Such as a home, nudist camp, medical, or shower areas. With

incontinence,

it's better to sleep that way...you don't have to rush to get everything
off before you get to the facilities.

Yup, plus I just don't want the hassle. . .

Until my adult stepdaughter moved in, I'd gone 12 years hardly ever dressed (only if going out, or home support person in that day)

Overseas, especially in Europe, it's like "meh!" when it comes to

nudity.

Yup.
Someone asked an Australian MP: Why did England send America all their
Puritans & then their murderers to Australia?
The MP answered, "We won first choice."

Ever since I started drinking iced tea exclusively, I've had zero
kidney stones (I've probably jinxed myself now). But, tea is a diuretic... sort of a low grade form of Lasix. Yet, a cool sweet tea on a hot day is refreshing...just like a slice of cold watermelon.

The sugar could cause crystals in your kidneys (& type 2 diabetes)

My fave tea is a nice green tea called Jiaogulan ("Immortality Tea" in Chinese), but only direct from the farm --bought 500g brick last time. The
tea shop at the mall charged $50 for 30g(1oz); we paid $20 for the 500!

They'ree not available now, presumably because of covid. . .

Mostly I drink mocha coffees (at home, using powdered mocha+instant coffee & the hot water in the cooler behind me, but I like the real espreesso version when I'm out)

I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
It was a twerk place injury

It's cranial rectal syndome (head up butt)...the most common workplace injury.

Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there, if the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

They never told me that getting older made everything hurt when you

get

out of bed
I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up

Getting old is NOT for sissies.

They get it, too -- it's a equal opportunity disabler!

I once hurt myself while stacking up all my old National Geographics ... Now, I have back issues.

That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school library on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

Mickey Mouse was playing basketball & got an ACL injury.
He went to the team doc & said, "Disney hurts."

And Datknee is next. Donald!! Duck!!

An old guy went tot he doctor becase his left knee hurt. The doctor dod a checkup, had him x-rayed & found nothng, dop he said, "I can only conclude,
Mr. Smith, thsat your knee hurts because it's 80 year old."

Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee is likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

... Clones are people two.

Written by scifi author Dr. Isaac Asimov:
(tune of "Home on the Range")

Oh give me a clone
A clone of my own
With its Y chromosome chaged to X

Then me & my clone
Can sit around home
& both think of nothing but sex

My evil clone is trying to attack me.
But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
A: W

Me: "I'm going to clone myself"
Dad: "that would be just like you".

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Yup, plus I just don't want the hassle. . .

Yeah, you don't want to have to laundry any more than necessary.

Until my adult stepdaughter moved in, I'd gone 12 years hardly ever dressed (only if going out, or home support person in that day)

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

Someone asked an Australian MP: Why did England send America all their Puritans & then their murderers to Australia?
The MP answered, "We won first choice."

Really.

The sugar could cause crystals in your kidneys (& type 2 diabetes)

I'm pre-type 2 -- the A1C was 5.7 last September. But, since my clinic was closed from significant water damage from 2 back to back snowstorms this winter, and the time needed with the COVID-19 shots, I haven't had the full blood work or complete physical done. I've been trying to get the mess with
the bathrooms fixed before I worry about that.

Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there, if
the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

Green haze risin', o'er the horizon. :P

Getting old is NOT for sissies.

They get it, too -- it's a equal opportunity disabler!

That's what so many refuse to realize or accept.

That's the economy version of Playboy. <G>

Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school library
on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

Or like in Mad Magazine years ago...there was a newsstand selling Playboy, and someone had used graffitti to make it read "If you enjoy self Play, boy this magazine will sure help". :P I saw where Larry Flynt, who started Hustler magazine, died recently.

Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee is likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

I'll bet he still had to pay the doctor $250.

Written by scifi author Dr. Isaac Asimov:
(tune of "Home on the Range")

Darn...now a second tune in my head today. :P

My evil clone is trying to attack me.
But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

Or the scientist who created a clone, but the creature was
cussing, and getting the scientist in trouble. So the scientist
pushed the creature out of a high rise window to his death.
Unfortunately, his deed was seen, and he was arrested, tried,
and convicted for "making an obscene clone fall". <G>

Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
A: W

UU is the redneck version. <G>

Me: "I'm going to clone myself"
Dad: "that would be just like you".

Talk about an evil twin.

Daryl

... I had a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

Not me -- my childhod trainig wa thorough -- I auro close the door every
time, & say excuse me after burping, even if I'm alone.

I'm pre-type 2 -- the A1C was 5.7 last September. But, since my clinic

was

closed from significant water damage from 2 back to back snowstorms this winter, and the time needed with the COVID-19 shots, I haven't had the

full

blood work or complete physical done. I've been trying to get the mess

with

the bathrooms fixed before I worry about that.

Gotta put health first, my friend. . .

Nort me -- my head stays out in the open -- I'd suffocate in there,

if

the poison gas(methane) didn't kill me first!

Green haze risin', o'er the horizon. :P

The long lost 6th verse of your national anthem?

Yup, good ol' National Pornographic -- we rushed to the school

library

on the day the new issue arrived -- this was in grade 5 for me!

Or like in Mad Magazine years ago...there was a newsstand selling

Playboy,

and someone had used graffitti to make it read "If you enjoy self Play,

boy

this magazine will sure help". :P I saw where Larry Flynt, who started Hustler magazine, died recently.

Larry Flynt really made the government realize that the Constitution has meaing, period!

Someone shot him trying to stop his porn purveying career, but Larry still
kept going.

Gramps retorted, "Shows how little you doctors know -- my right knee

is

likewise 80 years old, but it don't hurt!"

I'll bet he still had to pay the doctor $250.

$250 is too much = I only pay $120 for a housecall in Florida! ($60 for a clinic visit)

Been paying this for years!

Q: What’s a clones favorite letter?
A: W

UU is the redneck version. <G>

VV is the French redneck version (they call the letter double-V in their lamguage (double-ve pron. dooblay vuh)

... I had a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.

Over quarantine I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...
I just wish his wife would come out with him

Q: How does Pacman do the gardening?
A: With a weed waka waka waka

I wanted to start gardening but I have a problem
As far as seeds go, I haven't botany

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April-2020 and I've grown bigger ever since

After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening It's about Thyme.

Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson".

I was heading to the department store to pick up some gardening supplies and
my wife asked me to pick up one of those tangle free hoses.
I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.

A friend built an overhang to ensure his asparagus sectioni doesn't get too much sun or water at once, he calls it his "Awning of the cage of asparagus"

Gardening question: Anyone know a good place to buy a fern?
Asking for a frond.

Someone should name their gardening shop "Plant Parenthood"

Me and the hubby were doing some gardening and I said to him "we need a wood stake" (so we could stabilize a tomato plant) and he replied "first we gotta find a wooden cow"...good thing ur cute babe :)

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A cute lil poem to start u off this issue:
~#~ via Margie Chant, Pastor and Evangelist, on Quora.com ~#~

Whether you know someone your entire life or meeting just this once.

Show them you are interested and do not be a dunce.

It only takes you just a sec to greet them with a smile

Do not use their same technique. Try another style.

In these four words they'll see a friend and that's something they need too

Show you care about other folks and ask,”How do you do?”.

-= 2 =-
QOTI (Quote of the issue):
“Pych[iatric] Wards are like day cares for suicidal adolescents that hate God and love drugs.”
--teenager Caroline Konstnar on YouTube

-= 3 =-
A friend sat a philosophy exam back in the 1970's. It had just one question, which was, "Is this a fair question?"

Everybody groaned and set to work. My pal wrote one line and walked out.

His answer was, "Is this a fair answer?"

He passed.

-= 4 =-
Three bachelors were kidding their married friend.
. . ."You've been married five years now, Daryl," said one, "and still no childeren? Is your wife" (and here he tried a very bad pun) "unbearable?"
. . .Or," interjected another, "perhaps she's inconceivable?"
. . ."Maybe she's, uh, impregnable," joked the third.
. . .Daryl shook his head sadly. "No, boys, you're all wrong. She's insurmountable and inscrutable."

-= 5 =-
"Why do you take such an immediate dislike to people?"

It saves time.

-= 6 =-
Q: Why don't chicken breasts have nipples?

A: Because if you froze them they'd poke holes in the packaging.

-= 7 =-
Q: How do you know when there is a singer at your door?
A: Because she can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

-= 8 =-
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys
the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot
that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”

-= 9 =-
A hillbilly took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’
pcture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The hillbilly tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but
the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the theater”.

So, the hillbilly is sitting in his truck, stroking his duck, trying to
think, and has an idea!

He hides his duck down the bib of his overalls and goes and buys a ticket and sits down next to these two town girls with his duck hidden in his pants, and starts watching the movie.

A few minutes later, one of the townie girls nudges the other, and says,
“this guys got his cock out”.

Her friend says “ignore him, you seen one, you’ve seen ’em all”.

The first girl replies, “not like this one, it’s eating my popcorn”.

-= 10 =-
Q: What do you call a feathery farmyard bird that stares at a plate of
lettuce and anchovies?
A: Chicken sees a salad.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~#~ from my Kiwi mate, the ICEMan:
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

-= 2 =-
Q: Humphrey Bogart once did a short movie on mathematics for Canada's national education ministry; what was its title?
A: "Here's looking at Euclid."

-= 3 =-
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
pregnant!!"

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for
the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges
for Howard."

-= 4 =-
When porn stars take off their clothes, they're actually getting dressed for work.

-= 5 =-
The 5 most dangerous questions women ask men

http://bootstrike.com/LaughterHell/Love/love30.php

-= 6 =-
Many of you will remember Archie Campbell from Hee-Haw, and he was a regular at the Grand Old Oprey, Decades before 'Blue Collar Comedy', guys like Campbell and Grandpa Jones were selling the country comedy shtick to southern audiences.

I'm not big on the Jeff Foxworthy and Cable Guy thing, but Archie Campbell is okay in my book. I dig that old school comedy delivery of punch line after punch line. I get bored of the modern day comedians' constant desire to shock and offend, their need to insert religious/political opinions, and their incessant self deprecation. There's something to be said for just a nice set up and delivery. I can do without the comedians' personal baggage - just give me the jokes asshole. Quit trying to be Bill Hicks.

Here's a selection of jokes from Campbell's 1968 book Bedtime Stories for Adults. No need to worry about it being for adults, though - even by 1960's standards, it's absolutely filth free. Enjoy.



Teacher- Jake is the world round or flat?
Jake- My daddy says its crooked.

A traveling salesman stopped at a country store and saw a man playing checkers with, of all things, a dog. After watching a few minutes he said, "I think that's the smartest dog I ever saw". The man said, "Oh he ain't so smart, I beat him three out of five".

Joe- I passed by your house last night and saw you kissing your wife.
Bill- Ha ha, the joke's on you, 1 wasn't even home last night.

-= 7 =-
If you liked that last batch, here's my favourite type from Archie: https://youtu.be/lpfJwUyONnc

-= 8 =-
One Hippopotami
Allan Sherman
One hippopotami cannot get on a bus,
Because one hippopotami is two hippopotamus
And if you have two goose, that makes one geese
A pair of mouse is mice A pair of moose is meese

A paranoia is a bunch of mental blocks
And when Ben Casey meets Kildaire, that's called a paradox
When two minks fall in love, with all their heart and soul,
You'll find the plural of two minks is one mink stole

Singulars and plurals are so different, bless my soul
Has it ever occurred to you that the plural of half is whole?

A bunch of tooth is teeth a group of foot is feet
And two canaries make a pair, they call it a parakeet
A paramecium is not a pair
A parallelogram is just a crazy square

Nobody knows just what a paraphernalia is
And what is half a pair of scissors, but a single sciz?
With someone you adore, if you should find romance,
You'll pant, and pant once more, and that's a pair of pants!

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Busch Lou / Allan Sherman / Lou Busch

Song version, with picture slide show:
https://youtu.be/umlBrQoG6xk

-= 9 =-
Q: What magic spell does Harry Potter cast when he's constipated?
A: Expoolianus!

-= 10 =-
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

MORAL: Not All Seniors Are Senile!

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back and there's good news and bad news.

Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3 years to live.

Cripes, doc, and the good news?

You also have Alzheimer's.

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

-= 3 =-
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Yup, he pasta way.
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He simply ran out of thyme.
I know, I know... too cheesy!

-= 4 =-
Funny flight attendant
https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

-= 5 =-
1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

-= 6 =-
A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth and I took care of it ever single day.

After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

-= 7 =-
One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
F2: Nothing. It's fake.
F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

-= 8 =-
~# via Facebook #~
[InspireU] Portering Troubles

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:
“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.
But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water."
It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?
Oh, he was serious.
At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.
We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.
But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.
When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name. "No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

-= 9 =-
Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

-= 10 =-
If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

A dime is a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

-= 1 =-
A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back
and there's good news and bad news.

Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3
years to live.

Cripes, doc, and the good news?

You also have Alzheimer's.

I like the one where these 2 Christians are die-hard baseball fans. They wonder if there is baseball in Heaven...so they figure whichever one dies first, they'd somehow get the word back to the one left behind.

A few months later, one of them dies...but it's several weeks before he
hears from his departed friend. He asked "What can you tell me??". His
friend said "I've got good news, and I've got bad news".

He said "Give me the good news first". He said there are gold bases, diamonds, everything, and no worry about getting your uniforms dirty.
Plus, the concession stands have every holsum food and drink you could
ever want".

His friend replied "Well, that is good news. But, there can't be any
bad news in Heaven"...to which he was told "they're going to call you
to the bullpen in 30 seconds". <G>

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

-= 3 =-
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Yup, he pasta way.
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He simply ran out of thyme.
I know, I know... too cheesy!

Hey, macaroni. <G>

-= 4 =-
Funny flight attendant
https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

The ones for Southwest Airlines are an absolute scream. When
I traveled, I preferred the train...but if I had to fly, I went
Southwest Airlines.

-= 5 =-
1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

Hello to your parents. :P

-= 6 =-
A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy
decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth
and I took care of it ever single day.

After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

Would a puny prophylactic be known as a condom-minimum?? <G>

-= 7 =-
One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
F2: Nothing. It's fake.
F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

Was he blonde??

-= 8 =-
~# via Facebook #~
[InspireU] Portering Troubles

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:

That was nice.

-= 9 =-
Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

Ringo wasn't the Starr. <G>

Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

I had a 45 RPM record years ago called "Beatlemania" with several
clips of their songs, worked together in an interview.

-= 10 =-
If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim
Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I
finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Daryl

... Never marry a tennis player; to them, love means nothing.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

The American Evangelical Missionis Society board was meeting & complaining how they've planted a church in every state except Arizona.

They sent a deacon to go find out why it was so difficult.

He reported back two months later, "Well, gentlemen; in t he winter it's so beautiful, Heaven holds no apeal, & in the summer, it's so hot, Hell holds no fear."

If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Priorties, mate; Well, done!

I bet he'll be your new favouritie in no time. . .

Q: Why doesn't Arizona advertise?
A: Because at 99¢ for a 24oz can the product sells itself!

Arizona: I love you Dad
Dad: I love you Tucson.

Q: What’s the capital of Arizona?
A: A

I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon.
My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.

Did you hear about the clown who lived in the desert?
He had a dry sense of humor.

After my girlfriend posted a picture of us at a Meteor Crater..
(Me) "You spelled meteor wrong."
(Her) "Did I really?"
(Me) "Just joking, you spelled meteorite. "

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Fun fact for those going hiking in Bear Country
If it’s brown lie down (play dead)
If it’s black, fight back (self-explanatory)
If it’s white, goodnight (You’re cooked)
Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

-= 2 =-
from the quotables:

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

"One of the winners of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, 'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Just in time for Mother's Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women's bodies. Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

-= 4 =-
Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

-= 5 =-
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

-= 6 =-
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

-= 7 =-
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

-= 8 =-
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

-= 9 =-
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

-= 10 =-
When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call,' the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles from land." Then he added, "Straight down."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

You asked for it. <G>

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

-= 1 =-

Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

One bearly can get out of a grizzly situation. <G>

-= 2 =-

from the quotables:

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely
to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'"
-Jimmy Fallon

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

I wonder if he can catch that spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your
mom." -Jimmy Fallon

Not to mention the aromatic scents with them. :P

-= 3 =-

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of
it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards.

Practically...and you end up being sexy. <G>

-= 4 =-

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

-= 5 =-

I'm still looking for a place to live.

He could've been making a one time visit to the funeral parlor. <G>

-= 6 =-

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Hairy had a little lot...it was white as snow. <G>

-= 7 =-

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

Practically. However, I saw a sign that noted this:

Menstrual Cramps, Menopause, Mental Illness.

Ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN??

(that was for the ladies <G>).

-= 8 =-

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

-= 9 =-

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

Never take anything for granite. <G>

-= 10 =-

"Straight down."

Be sure to visit Davy Jones Locker for some good deals. <G>

Daryl

... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

You asked for it. <G>

Fair dinkum, mate.

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend. The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

But maybe the tramp in above story was marking territory?

According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

Never take anything for granite. <G>

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.


My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
(I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

You asked for it. <G>

Fair dinkum, mate.

I've got your fair dinkum right here. <G>

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden
cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

And, notice that doesn't apply to any other coinage??

or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

I'm sometimes wonder if the panhandlers are being schooled on how to
beg at the traffic lights. I've seen them go off the corner, get into
a fancy car (i.e. a Lexus), and drive off. I've heard of them pulling
a gun on drivers, and they throw food on the ground. What they want is
money for drugs and alcoholic beverages, if not sex with the hookers.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

How many rounds of Jose Cuervo?? -- as the song goes.

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly
get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started
the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day
at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

For me and my late wife, it was like the country song "I've got all the
love a man could want, waiting for me at home". Now, if a member of the opposite sex gave us a hug or a kiss, we'd razz the crap out of each
other. <G>

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

Walter said they visited the volcanoes, and his wife kept saying to
him "Stop trying to push me in!!". <G>

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

I've slept since then.

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

But, this is more beneficial. :)

My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
(I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

It was a phony job, anyway.

Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was
a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

Exactly.

Daryl

... She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Fair dinkum, mate.

I've got your fair dinkum right here. <G>

I'm not sure what dinkum is Latin for, but it must be reasonable. . .

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

And, notice that doesn't apply to any other coinage??

Kind of what I just said, mate! ;) I know, I now, you've slept since then!

I'm sometimes wonder if the panhandlers are being schooled on how to
beg at the traffic lights. I've seen them go off the corner, get into
a fancy car (i.e. a Lexus), and drive off. I've heard of them pulling
a gun on drivers, and they throw food on the ground. What they want is
money for drugs and alcoholic beverages, if not sex with the hookers.

Never assume, unless it is beneficially.

Most are just hungry, & have heard of this as a way of getting some extra money to buy food.

I used to be homeless & had to resort to panhandling on occasion (to avoid stealing)

In spite of what y'all were assuming, I was not seeking money for drugs, booze, or hookers. (I was offered a free hooker once, from a pimp who grew up near where I did, but I said no thanks.)

I was more hobo than bum -- traveled, willing to work anywhere at 'most anything in exchange for room, board, &/or currency of the realm.

I bummed rides, sure, cuz it was safer than hoping a grain train. . .

But I paid for my ride by helping keep the drivers awake through some or all of 2,000 miles of empty boring prairie. . . & I had some cassettes with good music which was a joy to those with limited supply of tapes in the car & terrible radio reception.

Of course, some old men in cadillacs wanted more 'personal' forms of payment. If the ruide was dependent on such, I got out there, otherwise, I said no thanks & rode in silence to my destination, beside an old perv willing(eager) to hit on a teenage kid who looked like he was 12 years old!

As they grew into the majority(*sigh*) of those stopping to pick me up, I began seeking new ways to get rides going long distances.

whoops, wrong echo. . .jokes & funnies. . . hmm. . .hobo. . .

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

How many rounds of Jose Cuervo?? -- as the song goes.

All of them; I ain't no quitter!

For me and my late wife, it was like the country song "I've got all the love a man could want, waiting for me at home". Now, if a member of the opposite sex gave us a hug or a kiss, we'd razz the crap out of each
other. <G>

Sounds like how it'd go with mine & me. . . :D

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

Walter said they visited the volcanoes, and his wife kept saying to
him "Stop trying to push me in!!". <G>

My thoery is the male leaders of a tribe ca,e up with that virgin into a volcano thing to help get nubile girls to willingly 'give it up'

mayor's son: Hey, Bethany, I heard you were going to be selected to be this year's sacrifice tot yhe volcano gods. I can guarantee that you won't be the one they toss into the burning fire & brimstone. . . but it requires a bit of sacrifice on your part, in gratitude, to me. . .

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

I've slept since then.

That's how it works for me, too, but I've never thought of saying so out loud. I'm going to start, though!

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

I always say that,m sometimes.

You took the words right out of mny mouth. . . how unsanitary!
(both those one liners from Archie comics I read in the late 1070s)

Back to hobos:

I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.
I call it a Tramp o' Lean

Q: What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?
A: Pillow fight

If witches, drunks, and hobos show up at my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween.
Because our family reunion was in April.

Did you hear about the fight between the two hobos yesterday? One bit off the other's nose!
What a senseless, scentless, centless act of violence.

Q: What is the difference between a businessman on a bike and hobo on a tricycle?
A: a tire / attire.

Some whales just started a music group
Its called the orchestra.

Ladies and gentleman, Hoboes and tramps, Cross-eyed beetles, And bow-legged ants. Pull up a seat, And sit on the floor.

I'm going to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One dark day, In the middle of the night. Two dead boys, They stood up to fight.

Back to back They faced each other. Drew their swords, And shot each other. The deaf policeman heard it all, She came to shoot those two dead boys.

Don't believe this lie is true? Go ahead, ask the blind man. He saw it, too.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

-= 6 =-
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-= 7 =-
~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

Arctic Ice Report:
(Washington Post November '22)

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.
Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
********************
I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.


No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

-= 8 =-
the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

-= 9 =-

In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

The text of the poem follows:

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

-= 10 =-
Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Trying this again. . .

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

If you're cold &/or depressed, enjoy some free laughs. . .

-= 1 =-
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so she decides to do a
DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital that night, you
saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for
you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the messy one there.

-= 2 =-
This issue's quotable quoters:

"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He
broke the previous record of zero." -Conan O'Brien

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after
earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only
thing we know is, work is bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you
can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances.
Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of
marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York,
Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube.
While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones."
-Seth Meyers

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest
evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to
burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should
save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says
that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning
to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just
vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern
Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don't always mean it when they say
they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give
a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for
comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

-= 3 =-
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home
one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're
wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but
for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most
romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her
purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think
they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little
wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

-= 6 =-
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and
says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-= 7 =-
~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

Arctic Ice Report:
(Washington Post November '22)

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the
seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from
Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate
conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81
degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very
warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report
continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few
seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and
smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal
fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise
and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
********************
I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as
reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global
warning even back then.


No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins
are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

-= 8 =-
the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid
Davis joke)

-= 9 =-

In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the
angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

The text of the poem follows:

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

-= 10 =-
Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Trying this again. . .

If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.

Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
got a clean one and left the messy one there.

Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

This issue's quotable quoters:

"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
O'Brien

Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found
out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

[eye roll].

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones." -Seth Meyers

I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone
mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not
hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the
plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my
feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat
in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey,
show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and
says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.

There was an episode of Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeannie, where this
newspaper article was from their friends getting involved in all sorts
of accidents. So, either Samantha or Jeannie are trying to get that from occurring...not realizing it was from an actual event 25 years ago.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

Daryl

... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Trying this again. . .

If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide all evidence that you even tried.

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
got a clean one and left the messy one there.

Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened to him?

This issue's quotable quoters:
"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
O'Brien

Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is
bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

The original 4-letter bad word, I always say, sometimes.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

Most are.

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

I have a bnice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A new genre out now: Roast Battles.

There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

That's how I first asw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl -- nt all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

It's simlpe: in the olden daze, the nobility(corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution, because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

Or the guy who was at a bar drinking a long time.

Every time the bartender would ask if he'd like another drink (triple bourbon, triple tequila as a chaser) the guy would lift a photo from his pocket, look at it & say, "Sure, I'm still good."

Finally the bartendeer got achance to ask gimi what that was about.

"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk. Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
love." -Butch Hancock

Might likewise work for Provo, Utah (home of DryBar comedy -- 100% clean standup; free on YouTube)

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

Not in Lubbock, apparently!

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that
makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home
while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming;
turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is)

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the
majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And
that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man
speech." -Jimmy Fallon

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

Is it easy to identify a blind guy at a nudist colony? . . .it's not hard.

knock on door whjere the nuns were painting the room while nude, so as not to soil their habits.

"Who is it?" one asked.
"Blind guy."
"She opened the door, figuring what harm.
"Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational
skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying
frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

Yup -- I used to colect & share lists, including putting my own down.

|<+]:-{)} (the Cyberpopicon)

I started signing as +-:-) until somneonepointed out that Popers wear a mitre & she showed me an example for asacii art: <+]. I had to agree & immediately updated my signatures. . .

I later added the kippa(aka yarmulke) when I became Jewish to denote my recognition that God is always over me.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

She wasn't wasting her time. . .

cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

are what make English so much fun -- Other olanguages borrow woreds; English chasers other languages down blind alleys, beat the cvrap out of them & rifle through their pockets loking for any loose particles or gerunds!

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the mahorty, by an ever slimmer margin)

Here in Richmond, in the last two censuses (censi?) more than 50% of the residents are Chinese. But when _I_ try to claim minority benefits, I'm, apparently, an arsehole!

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
(~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via the knee?

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I don't care! I'm a rebel!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

I had 2 buttons:
"Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage: "Irish for a day"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide
all evidence that you even tried.

The meme I liked was where this guy is confronted by "The Grim Reaper"
on the street. He tells the poor soul "that fancy expensive item you had ordered was delivered to your home while your wife was at work, and she
signed for it. Do you want to go home and face the music, or just come
with me now??". <G>

Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

Or as Jerry Reed's song "Lord, Mister Ford", noted...

"Well, I figured it up, and over a period of time, this $4000 car of
mine cost $14,000 and 99 cents". <G>

There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened
to him?

I don't know...but he was originally from Russia, and he emigrated to the
US. He had a show in Branson, at his own theatre...and it was all G-rated entertainment.

You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

Not that I can recall.

EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

This is true. I've got a picture on my Facebook profile of our late
parents, my brother and myself. It was Christmas Day, 1962...my brother
had just turned 1, and I would turn 3 in March. I think my Mom and Dad
were only 37 at the time...they were born 40 days apart...Mom was the
older one...but she lived 12 1/2 years longer than my Dad.

I have a nice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A
new genre out now: Roast Battles.

There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

I'm sure there are several on YouTube. It reminds me of a deal known
as "The Curse Exchange".

That's how I first saw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl
-- not all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

Never heard of her.

It's simple: in the olden daze, the nobility (corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant
flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

I'm sorry I asked. :P

Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

Why does the saying "Don't lie, cheat, and steal!! The government hates competition!!" come to mind??

So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution,
because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

That's what they seem to be doing today with Covid-19...they're saying
the unvaccinated are dying, but from what I've seen, it's the other way around.

ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause
the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

I am reminded from the deal on "The Fat Bible", where mankind basically listened to Satan, and gorged himself with all the high fat and high cholesterol foods. The last 3 lines went like this:

And, man went into cardiac arrest.

And, God created quadruple bypass surgery.

And, Satan created HMO's. <G>

Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better
when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

First time I've ever heard the term.

"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk.
Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

Wonder how long it took to get what he wanted.

Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is).

Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: Whenever the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

"Who is it?" one asked.
"Blind guy."
"She opened the door, figuring what harm.
"Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

I've heard a variation of that...I'll bet that man got an eyefull!! <G>

As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be
operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the majority, by
an ever slimmer margin)

I had Spanish in high school...but I don't know if I ever took it in
college. I can read it, but I can't speak it, as it were.

Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via
the knee?

Or it was Tonya's boyfriend who did the dirty deed?? Whatever happend to
all of them??

Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first
stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I
don't care! I'm a rebel!

Non-conformist. <G>

I had 2 buttons:
"Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage:
"Irish for a day"

(rolling the R's) "Irish Irus in Dixie". <G>

Daryl

... I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Ron,

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . .

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.

Duly noted. <G>

And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.

Just like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall. <G>

... But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P

Daryl

... Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Son: Dad I've finally decided what area I'm going into when i grow up! Dad: Whuich? Son: I've researched my options & Organised Crime seems my best option at providing for your grandchildren. Dad: Organised Crime, eh? Nice. Which kind, government or Mafia?

Really.

Daryl

... Newspaper Headline: "Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years." === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P

Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes
until the last message is replied to.

But, I don't have room for my computer in the bathroom.

Daryl

... If you fly by the seat of your pants, don't eat prunes.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P
Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes
until the last message is replied to.

But, I don't have room for my computer in the bathroom.

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom? A: Lou.

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

Q: If youÆre Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in there?
A: European

Someone really did a number on the office bathroom. I got really upset until I realized I work from home and I am the only one home.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, ôHa! ThatÆs not going to help!ö
ôSure, it does.ö I said. ôItÆs the only way I can see the numbers.ö

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom? A: Lou.

I know some friends with that name...they have that room all to
themselves. <G>

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

You'll have to explain that one.

Q: If you're Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are
you while you are in there? A: European

That is Pee-fection.

Someone really did a number on the office bathroom. I got really upset until I realized I work from home and I am the only one home.

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" "Sure, it does."
I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I have an electronic scale with LED numbers, but you have to look down at
it.

Yet, in a doctors office, the scales are offensive...but I can't get them
to remove them.

Daryl

... "Go away. I'm all right." -H.G. Wells last words
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

You trook the words right out of my motrh -- how bloody unsanitary!

I use that line regularly & honestly. . . (I have ADHD, too--they're not related, but it works)

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

You'll have to explain that one.

A Pee Queue.

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

If necessary -- it do help disperse the evil. I bought a mini 4"fan from Amazon that I leave running in the bathroom 24/7 -- helps a LOT, especially with reducing the stifling heat in summer or when the furnace comes on too often in the winter. . . (sam,e size vent to give enough heat to keep the big living room warm as for the little bathroom)

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my
stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" "Sure, it does."
I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I have an electronic scale with LED numbers, but you have to look down at
it.

Same, but Iu mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I eat -- it's obviously working!

My GP twigged me to MyNetDiary website & app -- helps so much! (not an ad)

I loove math, so t he match was an easy & obvious one, once I likened it to a math equation.

Q: why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? A: they dont believe in higher powers.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations
F=ma

Q: What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?
A: A mathemortician.

The difference between the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician.. The engineer believes equations approximate reality.. The physicist believes reality approximates equations.. The mathematician has no idea what the other two are talking about.

An escalating series of math jokes (PG)

Me: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is hard, and so I am.

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Me: Well, I'm awfully glad you're not *my* differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be 6 weeks late.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

You took the words right out of my mouth -- how bloody unsanitary!

It wasn't easy reaching between those molars. Besides, you have to be
kind to your dentist, as he has fillings, too. <G>

I use that line regularly & honestly. . . (I have ADHD, too--they're
not related, but it works)

Christian Comedian Mark Lowery refers to it now as ADD...he says he
doesn't have the memory to worry about the H. <G>

You'll have to explain that one.

A Pee Queue.

OK, that clears that up. It's like the meme that noted "I've absorbed
so much hand sanitizer, that when I pee, I clean the toilet". <G>

If necessary -- it do help disperse the evil. I bought a mini 4"fan
from Amazon that I leave running in the bathroom 24/7 -- helps a LOT, especially with reducing the stifling heat in summer or when the
furnace comes on too often in the winter. . . (sam,e size vent to give enough heat to keep the big living room warm as for the little
bathroom)

If you see a bear coming out of the woods with a newspaper, and he warns
you to not go in there... <G>

Same, but I mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

I wish I could say the same.

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

Too bad you can't fart away fat. <G>

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to
increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for
my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I
eat -- it's obviously working!

Finances have cut me to 1 lunch meat sandwich twice a day...not very nutritious.

Q: What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes? A: A mathemortician.

I heard of a guy being pursued by a possessed casket in a haunted house.
So, he threw a bottle of Robitussion at it, and the coffin stopped.

Me: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is hard, and so I am.

At my bridal shower, it was "Violets are purple. Roses are red. When
Daryl is blue...Jan, head for the bed". I was never so embarrassed in
all my life...severely blushing as well. :P

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if
you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Now that really adds up. <G>

Me: Well, I'm awfully glad you're not *my* differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be 6 weeks late.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

Daryl

... If you think everything's OK, you've overlooked something.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

You took the words right out of my mouth -- how bloody unsanitary!

It wasn't easy reaching between those molars. Besides, you have to be
kind to your dentist, as he has fillings, too. <G>

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

If you see a bear coming out of the woods with a newspaper, and he warns
you to not go in there... <G>

My rhetorical bit is, "Does the Pope sh** in the woods?" or "Is a bear with diarrhea Catholic?"; to the first I can respond, "Only when I'm camping."

Same, but I mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily
losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

I wish I could say the same.

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you eat.

It starts by figuring out what your maintenanve level in calories is (to keep yourself exactly whgere you are, then you pick how fast you want to lose weight (1lb/week is recommended by doctors as max healthy rate), how much total (start with 10% of body weight, as they say 10% will effect healthful changes you'll notice. I went with more, as I was nmorbidly obese when I started & needed to get to work asap.

Eaxch dasy it'll show you your total allocated, & a running total f how much you've eaten so far & what that leaves, in calories -- it helps you make wise choices real quickly.

Soon enough you gert into better habits & get full sooner, with less, & desire healthier foods (you can check any food you put in for a grade A to D-)

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

Too bad you can't fart away fat. <G>

Yup, I looked into it, hoping to come up with the Next Big Thing in millionaire-making diets. . .

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to
increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for
my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I
eat -- it's obviously working!

Finances have cut me to 1 lunch meat sandwich twice a day...not very nutritious.

Nope - you m ight want to explore others -- I managed, for a while, as a single, on under $1/day. Bulk food stores helped immensely.

Don't be afraid to feel hunger for a bit each day -- this is a sign your body is eating excess fat, & your stomach is shrinking (less greedy for more)

At my bridal shower, it was "Violets are purple. Roses are red. When
Daryl is blue...Jan, head for the bed". I was never so embarrassed in
all my life...severely blushing as well. :P

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if
you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Now that really adds up. <G>

To unemplyment & divorce, likely, with an STD remainder.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

Where were you? I've been hosting this monthly meeting for years now & usually there's just the same half dozen of us. . .

& Art, showing up ten minutes late, as usual, & heading straight for the coffeepot!

Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy

After careful consideration, IÆve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian based diet.
I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

IÆm on a whiskey diet.
IÆve lost three days already.

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

I prefer the "A-Food Diet"; I only eat foods beginning with the letter A: Apricots
Apples
Asparagus
A banana cream pie
A dozen doughnuts
etc. . .

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

And, that's the tooth.

My rhetorical bit is, "Does the Pope sh** in the woods?" or "Is a bear with diarrhea Catholic?"; to the first I can respond, "Only when I'm camping."

Every creature poots and poops...for humans, the pooting is from 15 times
a day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax dollars were used to determine that?? I heard they were going to do a study on
second hand flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, there is
a new emergency vehicle...the flatulance -- it picks you up after you've
been run over by a steam roller. <G>

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you eat.

Right now, it's not much at all...lemon cream sandwich cookies, and lunch meat sandwiches of Buddig lunch meat, on wheat bread.

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

No, but I was there with her, and she wanted everyone there.

To unemployment & divorce, likely, with an STD remainder.

True.

Where were you? I've been hosting this monthly meeting for years now & usually there's just the same half dozen of us. . .

The usual suspects seem to show up.

Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango
crazy

There is an allergy to the skin of mangoes...my brother has it. He can eat the inside of it, but if he touches the outside, he breaks out in a rash.

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I'm begging of you, please don't take my spam. <G>

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

It's a light seafood diet. When it gets light, and I see food, I eat.

I prefer the "A-Food Diet"; I only eat foods beginning with the letter
A: Apricots Apples
Asparagus
A banana cream pie
A dozen doughnuts
etc. . .

Except for apricots and asparagus, the others are the better choice. <G>

Or it could be like the guy who grew the green vegetable in a greenhouse, with wire around it. He'd go to check it at sunrise, and it was known as
the dawning of the cage of asparagus. <G>

Daryl


... It's so hot, that the brown cow gave hot chocolate.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

And, that's the tooth.

& the bill. . .

Every creature poots and poops...for humans, the pooting is from 15 times
a day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax dollars were used to determine that?? I heard they were going to do a study on
second hand flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, there is

Likely it was a private study by a cvompany wanting to sell anti-pooting drugs. . .

There are a few creatures that never have those "audio tests of their solid waste disposal systems" -- mostly mollusks & fleas.

Tigers & other wildcats shouldn't, as they never eat ANY vegetation; they'll avoid eating prey's stomachs to avoid any that might be in there.

Their fibre, for regularity, comes from hair & bones.

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you
eat.

Right now, it's not much at all...lemon cream sandwich cookies, and lunch meat sandwiches of Buddig lunch meat, on wheat bread.

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little, obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

I get the Buddig packs whenever they go on sale for $1 or 99c & get a bunch of corned beef for myself. My family prefers the chicken or turkey.

Been getting the Ziggy's sliced meats more regularly, as it's a good deal & the slices are proper, to me, sandwich thickness (like balogna, instead of deli sliced)

I put 2 little Buddig slices on my sandwich & can't even taste it(I like loys of yellow mustard -- turmeric is a nice antioxidant. My kids put the whole 55g(2oz?) pack into a sandwich & use miracle whip.

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

No, but I was there with her, and she wanted everyone there.

Hey, she was the boss, right?

There is an allergy to the skin of mangoes...my brother has it. He can eat the inside of it, but if he touches the outside, he breaks out in a rash.

My son hasd a contact rash to blueberries -- if he eats them,. he's fine, but if he smears them on his face (like when eating a triple thick blueberry danish too enthusiastically) he breaks out in an awful rash. . .

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe
lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I'm begging of you, please don't take my spam. <G>

You like spam? You can have mine. Give me your email, so I cam set up a forward for all email I get with a blank sender or not addressed to only me.

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

It's a light seafood diet. When it gets light, and I see food, I eat.

Works for me! I begin eating breakfast early, takes the edge off. . .

Or it could be like the guy who grew the green vegetable in a greenhouse, with wire around it. He'd go to check it at sunrise, and it was known as
the dawning of the cage of asparagus.

Q: Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane? A: To Cabbage Claim!

Q: How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies? A: "Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

7 days with no veggies makes one weak.

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! ItÆs just bananas, and will drive you coco and nuts!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George...

& the bill. . .

Foot the bill...what you do to the podiatrist. Medicare won't cover the trimming of toenails, but I (like so many others) can't squeeze the clippers for the severe arthritis...never mind gout in the foot.

Likely it was a private study by a company wanting to sell
anti-pooting drugs. . .

A friend of mine calls that "spider barkings"...when I asked what that
was, he replied "Beano!!", and I replied "Ahhhhh!". <G>

There are a few creatures that never have those "audio tests of their solid waste disposal systems" -- mostly mollusks & fleas.

The bedbugs, after they bite you, poop out blood. A bunch of dots on
your bedding or mattress (known as "freckles") is a sign of infestation.
Only very high temperatures or special insecticides will kill them. And,
you don't want them coming home with you from vacation.

Their fibre, for regularity, comes from hair & bones.

My late wife quipped that "the chicken needs the bones for the
crunchiness". No, thanks...I prefer the boneless pieces. However,
there was a meme for "boneless watermelon". :P

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little,
obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

Unfortunately, all the processed foods are drowning in sodium.

I get the Buddig packs whenever they go on sale for $1 or 99c & get a bunch of corned beef for myself. My family prefers the chicken or turkey.

I prefer the turkey, chicken, or ham...I'm not one for corned beef.

Been getting the Ziggy's sliced meats more regularly, as it's a good
deal & the slices are proper, to me, sandwich thickness (like balogna, instead of deli sliced).

It gives a whole new meaning to the word THIN.

I put 2 little Buddig slices on my sandwich & can't even taste it(I
like loys of yellow mustard -- turmeric is a nice antioxidant. My
kids put the whole 55g(2oz?) pack into a sandwich & use miracle whip.

I love those commercials, where this guy is talking to this girl on the phone, and when he says "I'm out of Miracle Whip"....<CLICK!> (dial tone). :P

Hey, she was the boss, right?

We were submissive to each others needs. Besides, I had never been married before...I didn't know how things were supposed to be.

My son has a contact rash to blueberries -- if he eats them,. he's
fine, but if he smears them on his face (like when eating a triple
thick blueberry danish too enthusiastically) he breaks out in an awful rash. . .

I'm glad I don't have any food allergies.

You like spam? You can have mine. Give me your email, so I cam set up a forward for all email I get with a blank sender or not addressed to
only me.

The guy on the street wanted me to give him some bills...so I handed over
my electric, gas, water, and car repair bills. <G>

Works for me! I begin eating breakfast early, takes the edge off. . .

Unless I'm up early for a ham radio license exam, I'm not a breakfast
person.

Q: Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane? A: To Cabbage Claim!

There is a type of diesel locomotive that Amtrak uses that has doors in
the sides of it, behind the cab control of the engine. They apparently
swapped most of the traction motors out for baggage compartments, so the locomotive is known as "cabbage" for "cab" and "baggage". They are used
mainly in Amtrak's California Service.

Q: How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies? A: "Sean,
all we are saying is give peas a chance."

I love peas and carrots...I have to go shopping later today, so I may
get stuff to make up a nice casserole.

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It's just bananas,
and will drive you coco and nuts!

There was a commercial years ago for a vegetable band. Two of the
instruments were rutabega and a bass brocoli (sp?). They'll play the
theme song "Yes, We Have No Bananas", and then we'll eat our instruments.

This guy wants to try one, so he's handed a stalk of celery. He blows
it like a flute, and is told "you strum it"...then the teacher growls "Beginners". <G>

Daryl

... You say I'm a little behind?? You can't see my butt.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George...

& the bill. . .

Foot the bill...what you do to the podiatrist. Medicare won't cover the trimming of toenails, but I (like so many others) can't squeeze the clippers for the severe arthritis...never mind gout in the foot.

Here, podiatrists aren't covered at all, as they opted out of the government insurance plan.

There's a yruye srory(8suypoposedly; I wasn't there) of a podiatrrist who submitted more billing than any other in the state; a Medicare investigator checked him out; turns out he was puutting in a biling code for surgically removing part of the toe to get paid for toe trimming.

He got fined heavily & maybe even some jail time for fraud.

Likely it was a private study by a company wanting to sell
anti-pooting drugs. . .

A friend of mine calls that "spider barkings"...when I asked what that
was, he replied "Beano!!", and I replied "Ahhhhh!". <G>

I call them barking frogs. As in, "Whoa, there's one of them barking frogs again."

My most memorable experience was walking through a busy deparmjent storwe iun '83 with a slightly older dude(I was 17, he might've neen 19). He lets a super ripper explode & without missing a beat, points to the far corner of the ceiling, & yells, "Geese!"

I nearly fell over, wetting myself from laughing so hard!

My late wife quipped that "the chicken needs the bones for the
crunchiness". No, thanks...I prefer the boneless pieces. However,
there was a meme for "boneless watermelon". :P

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see
where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little,
obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

Unfortunately, all the processed foods are drowning in sodium.

Yup. My wife struggles with keeping hers below the RDA. I gave up long ago & don't bother myself even looking

I prefer the turkey, chicken, or ham...I'm not one for corned beef.

If they had plain roast beef, I'd go for that, but I can only get that in the Ziggy's 300g packs for $5. I'll buy 3-4 roasted(not smoked) chicken for the fam
& 1 roast beef or corned beef for myself!

Roast beef on buttered toast with yellow mustard -- mmMMmmm. . .

... You say I'm a little behind?? You can't see my butt.

They didn't say you HAVE a little behind, They said you ARE a lttle behind (maybe "behind" is a euphemism?)

I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush. I think it was a steak out.

Putting a breath freshener behind bars is... In-prison-mint.

A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him. He goes ô they donÆt call me the Bartender for nothingö

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

He got fined heavily & maybe even some jail time for fraud.

It's amazing how many doctors and pharmacists, are doing fraudulent things. Covid-19 has resulted in a lot of staffing shortages...and what was a 24 hour pharmacy has drastically cut back their hours.

I saw where left wing, progressive, firebrand, Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez (AOC), who was partying like there was no tomorrow (and maskless) in Miami,
is now at home down with Covid-19. She is one of many with the belief of
"Rules For Thee, But Not For Me"...which to me, makes her a hypocritical
liar. She had sowed the wind, so she's now reaping the whirlwind...plus,
she's double vaccinated and boostered (or so she says)...but it throws cold water all over the deal that "only the unvaccinated are getting Covid-19".

I call them barking frogs. As in, "Whoa, there's one of them barking
frogs again."

Or, as Rodney Dangerfield noted in "Caddyshack", "somebody step on a duck??". <G>

My most memorable experience was walking through a busy deparmjent
storwe iun '83 with a slightly older dude(I was 17, he might've neen
19). He lets a super ripper explode & without missing a beat, points
to the far corner of the ceiling, & yells, "Geese!"

I nearly fell over, wetting myself from laughing so hard!

That was a honker for sure. <G>

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

That, too. The boneless watermelon is on sale this week. <G>

Yup. My wife struggles with keeping hers below the RDA. I gave up long ago & don't bother myself even looking

I rarely season my food, but all the processed foods are drowning in it. Whenever my wife and I would order pizza, she would say "I want every anchovy you have in the place"...and I told her "You can have those nasty things".

If they had plain roast beef, I'd go for that, but I can only get that
in the Ziggy's 300g packs for $5. I'll buy 3-4 roasted(not smoked) chicken for the fam & 1 roast beef or corned beef for myself!

I'm not a big fan of roast beef, unless it's in a sandwich...like at
Arby's. Speaking of which, they are already serving their "Fish sandwiches
for Lent"...so they can pick up the Catholic population during Lent. Places like Arby's and Wendy's, who normally don't serve fish, offer it during this time of year.

They didn't say you HAVE a little behind, They said you ARE a lttle
behind (maybe "behind" is a euphemism?)

Country singer Dolly Parton has a line in the song "Why Didja Come In
Here Lookin' Like That??", talking about a guy with "a little behind"...
never mind "a tiny hiney". :P

I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

What folks think of me is none of my business.

I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush. I think it was a steak out.

There used to be a restaurant locally called Steak-Out. They had the best sirloin beef tips...but they're no longer in central Arkansas.

Putting a breath freshener behind bars is... In-prison-mint.

Hal E. Tosis is in cellblock one.

A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots
him. He goes "they don't call me the Bartender for nothing".

He has a killer of a personality.

Daryl

... The Bottom Line: The vertical crack in your butt.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

I saw where left wing, progressive, firebrand, Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez (AOC), who was partying like there was no tomorrow (and maskless) in Miami, is now at home down with Covid-19. She is one of many with the belief of "Rules For Thee, But Not For Me"...which to me, makes her a hypocritical liar. She had sowed the wind, so she's now reaping the whirlwind...plus, she's double vaccinated and boostered (or so she says)...but it throws cold water all over the deal that "only the unvaccinated are getting Covid-19".

Nobodyt says that, who's speaking from the POV of science & medicine.

The vaccine is only claimed to be ~95% effective. After all is said & done we'll likely find that about 5% of the vaccinated caught covid.

Buytt he media loves to try to create an issue where tyherte isn't one, so they'
ll skew the facts by focusing where they want & use big bold headlines for the 5% & omit talking about the 95%.

The unvaxxed are 0% protected. This virus infects about 3.5% of the people it hits, to a dangerous point.

I'm happy to take away most windows in my immune system it might sneak through. . .

Or, as Rodney Dangerfield noted in "Caddyshack", "somebody step on a
duck??". <G>

I remember it & have used it myself. Usually as, "Oops,. I stepped on a duck."

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

That, too. The boneless watermelon is on sale this week. <G>

Then there's the sign, "Just in time for Passover: Ham, 20% off." (almost as bad as McCrappy's putting pig on bagels.)

I rarely season my food, but all the processed foods are drowning in it. Whenever my wife and I would order pizza, she would say "I want every anchovy you have in the place"...and I told her "You can have those nasty things".

I've read that if you add zero salt to your food, you'll still, on average, wind up with 95X your RDA over the year!

I've never added salt to my food, whether cooking it, or on the plate.

Quie content with the tate of my food. I prefer the philosophy that good cooking involves using FOOD to make the food & to make it tasty. Using MSG & a plethora of other salts is "cheating" IMO. & indicative of a crappy chef.

I'm not a big fan of roast beef, unless it's in a sandwich...like at
Arby's. Speaking of which, they are already serving their "Fish sandwiches for Lent"...so they can pick up the Catholic population during Lent. Places like Arby's and Wendy's, who normally don't serve fish, offer it during this time of year.

I love roast beef any way I can get it within budget & cooked medium-rare.

On the plate first night, then delicious toasted sandwiches until all gone!

Can't generally afford a roast beef big enough to have more than one sandwich each, for the whole fam damily, from leftovers.

Country singer Dolly Parton has a line in the song "Why Didja Come In
Here Lookin' Like That??", talking about a guy with "a little behind"... never mind "a tiny hiney". :P

It's now "All about that bass" & I do like that younger chanteuse's "bass"!

What folks think of me is none of my business.

True. I CBA to even pretend to care. . . I'm like that one Catholic friemd of mine who said he's just happy people remember him & mention him.

There used to be a restaurant locally called Steak-Out. They had the best sirloin beef tips...but they're no longer in central Arkansas.

Lots are using Covid as an excuse to cripple their menus, then close because people stopped going to their crappy bare bones version. . .

I like a gal with some fat on the end (the same way I like my chicken, with a little bit o' fat on the end--thanks to the country comic singing that song to put it together)

One gal said, before we met, while chatting in email: "I've got more booty than a pirate!" I repolied, "SOLD!" & we happily dated a while in mutual admiration
& appreciation..

If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt. . . . . .You've officially hit rock bottom

Q: What has two butts and kills people? A: An assassin

Q: WhatÆs a more concrete term for butt crack? A: Asphalt.

My friends learned about my butt fetish... Now IÆm in therapy for crack addiction.

Q: What type of math equation do you need to do to wipe your butt? A: Multi-ply

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Let's go fishing. . .
https://youtu.be/HR10bEV9uJQ

-= 2 =-
just started reading Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None" (her favourite of her ouvre); based on the following poem epigraph, that foreshadows the entire novel, one by one. . .

Ten little soldier boys went out to dine; One choked his little self and then there were Nine.

Nine little soldier boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were Eight.

Eight little soldier boys travelling in Devon; One said heÆd stay there and then there were Seven.

Seven little soldier boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six.

Six little soldier boys playing with a hive; A bumble bee stung one and then there were Five.

Five little soldier boys going in for law; One got into chancery and then there were Four.

Four little soldier boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three.

Three little soldier boys walking in the Zoo; A big bear hugged one and then there were Two.

Two little soldier boys sitting in the sun; One got frizzled up and then there was One.

One little soldier boy left all alone; He went and hanged himself

And then there were None.

ùFrank Green, 1869

-= 3 =-
Happy little story tune of the South: https://youtu.be/EJrRwTTqm0o

-= 4 =-
These are great! YouÆll probably remember a bunch of them having seen them live..but itÆs a good refresher!

Remember the ôHollywood Squaresö afternoon live TV&#65279; show - back in the 50s-
60s. Much humor, no vulgarity, refreshing!!This was a LONG time ago, but somehow still funny.
Even if you don't know who Jackie Gleason was. Hollywood Squares - Those were the days. Hard to believe they did not know the questions beforehand! Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married.
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to
gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
A video refresher of the Paul Linde era: https://youtu.be/q1Km6E_0sLg

-= 5 =-
& now for yjr jokers' thoughts:

"Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers

-= 6 =-
Q: How did the Aussie shepherd proppose to his sheila(girlfriend/female sheep)? A: I love ewe. Let me ram my crook into your fold.

-= 7 =-
Advice from the UK:
"Think in the morning.
Act in the noon.
Eat in the evening.
Sleep in the night."
--William Blake

"Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean,
once a week to avoid being a public menace."
--Anthony Burgess

"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
--Peter Kay

"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
--Arthur Balfour

"Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so."
--Lord Chesterfield

"Most idiots don't lose their privacy, they give it away."
--Chrissie Hynde

"No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag."
--Tom Stoppard

"My general approach is that you mustn't generalize."
--Harriet Harman

"Moderation is the last refugefor the unimaginative."
--Oscar Wilde [sure sounds like him!]

"For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert."
--Arthur C. Clarke

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."
--Dr. Who

"If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing."
--Bill Shankly

-= 8 =-
The Cyberpope(me!) is NOT "old."

He is a rare, vintage, one-of-a-kind and highly collectible piece of 1960s memorabilia!
## Certified 100% by Vatican North unLtd.

-= 9 =-
Comics (clean) riffing on Canada. . .

https://youtu.be/vEdDzclfePI

-= 10 =-
Made a fool of myself at the pub quiz night. One of the questions was:
æWhere do women have their hair short and curly?Æ

Turns out that the correct answer is: Nigeria


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
O0kau, let's begin with current events. . . Russia has invaded Ukraine, to annex their gas-rich territory. (8sorry -- to keep the world safe from Nazi-ism) Oh, yes, Russia, the promise of the Communist Dream, as it was in the '80s - you remember, right?

A conversation perhaps in later 1985, between Gorbaschev, & a soon-to-be- missing brave/stupid/suicidal man in the crowd:

G: Comrades: I have good news -- if all the potatoes of our crop this year werew to be piled up, they'd reach all the way to Heaven.

m: But, sir, you've taught us (under penalty of death, mind you) that there ain't no Heaven.

G: That's okay, because there ain't no potatoes, neither! *signals to KGB*

Yes, & they want Ukraine to have this 'dream', too. It's called "The Communist Dream," because you have to be asleep to believe it!

-= 2 =-
A little Rowan Atkinson for you, when he's not doing the Bean thing, apparently he's hating on the French neighbours of his country:

We offered kindly to donate them calais, But all they gave us back was the bidet, And now they won't let us go on holiday. That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

They all wear berets and they're all called jacques. They even steal from us the words they lack: "le weekend", "le camping" and "cul-de-sac". That's why i hate the french,&#65279;oh, That's why i hate the french.

They claim their films are the best we've ever had; Well, i suppose emmanuelle wasn't bad. Charles aznavour is always so depressed; Wouldn't you be if "oui, oui" meant "yes"?

Sacha distel has raindrops falling on his head. I wonder if jean-paul sartre knows he is dead? What i resent is that they're so good in bed. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

They bake their bread in such a naughty shape. They brag about their wine and worship the grape. They criticise our food but then they eat crêpe. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

And now they've started coming here in droves. French cigarettes, french letters and french clothes. I'm sick and tired of eating all this brie And i'll be buggered if i go to gay paris.

They're pretty cocky 'bout their games in the dark. They think with girls they light a special spark But look what the bastards did to joan of arc. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

-= 3 =-
Are two year olds REALLY so bad?

L;et's do as the scientists do, & do a twins study; checking in on a neighbour who has identical twins, 15 months old, argying with each other: T1: You're ugly
T2: No, YOU are ugly!
T1: Well, you're uglier!
T2: No way, YOU are the ugliest in the whole world! [continues in the same vein for another ten minutes until mama's teacup goes dry, & she screams, "YOU'RE F*CKING IDENTICAL TWINS, YOU MONSTERS!! NOW SHUT UP AND GET ALONG BEFORE I WRAP BOTH YOUR MOUTHS IN PACKING TAPE!"]

-= 4 =-
Some clean humour from a bygone era: Best lines of W.C. Fields: https://youtu.be/_eafMhqoOvk

-= 5 =-
More clean humour, from a more modern era: "Nothing is Better Than Being Southern" (Killer Beaz full special)
https://youtu.be/qyDbdz7DjLM

Now we head over to Provo, UT for a full show from DryBar comedy(the best YoTube channel for clean good stand-up comedy) Dan Drueter's "The Youngest of 11 Children" https://youtu.be/RlOzW3MX0Lc

-= 6 =-
Much thanks to my AR-Kansas mate, Daryl Stout for this one:

What did Tennessee?? The same thing Arkansas...her name was Mrs. Ippi, and her daughter is Miss Sooree. They came from the breezy airport in central Oklahoma...where the wind comes sweeping down the plane...because the Texas were too big to the south. And, if there's any doubt further northwest, Alaska, and see what she says...but when I asked "Hawaii", she replied "OK". And, that's my stately humor for today.

-= 7 =-
Video Time!
My introduction to Ray Stevens (before I heard "The Streak") Ray Stevens as The Henhouse Five Plus Two "In The Mood"
https://youtu.be/0AvNNMwXH38

Another all-time favourite of mine: "The Scotsman Song" https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM

-= 8 =-
Just listening to thisright now on the radio; well written, well performed, & punny like I like:

It was April the 41st
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving through downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so
I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it Okay, pal?"
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar A real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side Heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin, on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids For the halibut Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal What sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna Salmon Chanted Evening And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving me the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep
Seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank a lot I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked."
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
I invite her up to my place for a little midnight bait I say, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I got a haddock"
And she wasn't kiddin' either
'Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me,
He said, "Listen shrimp
Don't you come trolling around here" What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him
I said, "Abalone! You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew there was going to be trouble And so did Gil
'Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke
But there he was, lying on the deck Flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said, "Forget the cods, Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed
With the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said
"Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Wet dream
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Kip Addotta & Biff Manard

-= 9 =-
Be thankful its not snowing -- can you imagine having to shovel snow in this heat?

-= 10 =-
Some of my favourites to close with:

Jokes performed on A Prairie Home Companion, February 1, 2003 from the Fitzgerald Theater in Saint Paul, Minnesota, our "Sometimes Annual Joke Show."

Performers:


Garrison Keillor, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Fred Newman The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band: Richard Dworsky, piano, keyboard, organ; Dale Mendenhall, winds; Pat Donohue, guitar; Gary Raynor, bass; Arnie Kinsella, percussion

Guests:

Outside John and the Sears Catalog
Jeff Lang

The Old Standby:

So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

Ole and Lena jokes:

Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"

Blonde jokes:

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

Third-grader jokes:

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"

Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

Political jokes:

Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.

Doctors and medicine:

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen--" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen--"

I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.

One-liners:

I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

So the dyslexic walked into the bra.

Men and Women:

Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.

"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

Odds 'n' Ends:

An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire? He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Here we have a few from a French laguage jokes site, translated, & only included when they translated well as funny in English; these were listed as "adult"

A gynecologist caught Parkinson's disease, but has since made a quick fortune.

A janitor is pregnant. His doctor asks her who the father is. She answers:
- Do you think maybe I have time to
turn around when I clean the stairs?

A guy arrives at the office one morning all beaming and announces to his colleagues:
- Hey, guys, you're all cuckolds!
- And why us? they answer.
- Because last night I slept with my wife!

-= 2 =-
A traveling sales representative returns home at four in the morning. So as not to wake his wife, he undresses before entering the bedroom. He enters quietly.
It was then that he met a man who came out and said to him:
- Good luck, old man. But I advise you to act quickly:
she is expecting her husband at any moment!

-= 3 =-
Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck Words":

If you've ever been on television more than 5 times Describing what the tornadoes sounded like... You might be a redneck
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car... You might be a redneck
If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade... You might be a redneck
If you've ever been too drunk to fish... If somebody asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.. If every day somebody comes to your house mistakenly thinking your having a Yard sale
If you've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend Your sister's honor..
You might be a redneck
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain... You might be a redneck
They always make fun of the way I talk, I keep telling them I said your gonna be
Real surprised when you get into the habit in St. Petersburg and say "Y'all get into the truck, we goin up to the big house." If you've ever financed a tattoo.... If you've ever made change in the offering plate... You might be a redneck
We have words in the south they don't have in other parts of the country.. Now, you come to the south, we have words like...yu'nt to We goin to the mall, yu'nt to?
What letter does that start with, does anybody know? I like this word alot...aight
That's a word in Texas...aight
Round lunch time every day, you'll hear somebody say "hey jeet yet, naw, dju? Yu'nt to? Aight." If you go to the family reunion to meet women.... If you smoked during your wedding.... You might be a redneck
And last but not least
If you see a sign that says say no to crack And it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a redneck

-= 4 =-
ET YOUR VEGETABLES!
Q: What is the strongest vegetable? A: A muscle sprout!

Q: Why did the Tomato take a prune to the movies? A: Hecouldn't find a date.

Q: What vegetable is off-limit to Vegans? A: a ZOO-chini.

Q: When do potatoes argue?
A: When they can't see eye to eye.

Q: Why did the tomato get embarrassed and turn red? A: it saw the chick pea.

Q: How do you grow a chicken in your garden? A: Plant an eggplant

Q: What is small, red, & whispers?
A: a hoarse radish

Q: Why do fungi have to pay double fares? A: They take up too mushroom.

Q: Which vegetables did Noah not take on the Ark? A: Leeks

Q: How do you fix a broken vine fruit? A: Tomato Paste

-= 5 =-
1. Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell? Go home and take these and if you're not better soon, give me a ring.

2. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you in a minute!

3. Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed my pocket money! Take this and we'll see if there's any change.

4. Doctor doctor! I think I'm a shepherd. I wouldn't lose any sheep over it.

5. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot. Don't get yourself in a stew.

6. Doctor doctor! I think I'm at death's door? Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

7. Doctor, doctor! Do you have something for a headache? Yes, try this hammer.

8. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of wigwams! Ah yes, the issue is you've become too tense.

9. Doctor, doctor! I get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake. Next time take the candles off!

-= 6 =-
Ray Romano, famous for his sitcom: "Everruybody Loves Ratymond" & his own stand up career. This is a story of his twin boys when they were still 'babies:' https://www.liveone.com/song/ray-romano/the-tub-story

-= 7 =-
corporate America's anthem?
ôOh Beautiful for smoggy skies,
insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.ö
--George Carlin

-= 8 =-
Driver Math:
Q: What do you get when you cross 1 Cadillac with 1 train? A: 1 widow + 4 orphans - 1 idiot

-= 9 =-
Quotables:

"Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting." -Conan O'Brien

"Brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff. But they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of orange dust was a technically a recipe." -Stephen Colbert

-= 10 =-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

"After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

-= 4 =-
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

-= 5 =-
"If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

-= 6 =-
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

-= 7 =-
Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-= 8 =-
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

-= 9 =-
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

-= 10 =-
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the
legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and
the other time he fell asleep."

-= 2 =-
Ever have a day like this?

"What the hell, Bob?! Why are you half naked on the golf course?"

"& shoving your undershirt into a hole in the ground?"

"Well, Jim, you told me to start by sticking my tee into the ground."

-= 3 =-
When I was younger, porn cost money and water was free.

What happened?

-= 4 =-
I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by
eating green grass, salads, and walking.

-= 5 =-
Honestly, I was so thirsty halfway through the night that I nearly choked on my husband's
teeth.

-= 6 =-
Her: I wish I was my rich neighbour's daughter.

Genie: You still have three wishes.

Her: ...

Genie: ...

-= 7 =-
I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I can remember when it was all farmland.

-= 8 =-
Cut flowers is Botanical Castration

-= 9 =-
Q: Why did the bookseller keep "Twilight" in the children's section? A: Because he'd already exceeded smoke emission maximums for his fireplace

-= 10 =-
`# Thank you, ICE-Man, for this one; #~

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way
with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~# from the world-famous ICE-Man: #~

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think
He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo!
This will get a smile out of you!
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

-= 2 =-
Also from ~# ICEMan @~

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

-= 3 =-
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

-= 4 =-
Little bit of edgy today, for those who prefer their humour just SLIGHTLY on the blue side:

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A re-vulva

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
--John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

-= 10 =-
IÆve just joined a dating group for arsonists.

ItÆs great; they send me new matches every day.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Directed by Jose' Jalapeno on a stick. <G>

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Time is of the essence. <G>

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

Really.

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

Daryl

... "Calvin, we will NOT have an anatomically correct snowman!" -Calvin's Mom === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Life is a lethal STD.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are
non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

So the Good Book says.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand
for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one
space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

He has a checkered past, some say.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

Damned Japanese bugs!

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Life is a lethal STD.

I prefer the acronym of "stubborn, temperamental, dog"...especially
if it relates to dachshunds. <G>

So the Good Book says.

None of us is getting out of here alive...just ask the morticians.

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

Making sure the weapon is cocked, I'm sure. <eg>

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Southern DOS? Ya'll Reckon?? Yep/Nope.

He has a checkered past, some say.

It would seem so. I did better at checkers than at chess...
although the checkers doors on the BBS are smarter than me.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

Ask Wile E. Coyote about that.

Damned Japanese bugs!

It's just hard to change their bulbs when they burn out.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

He doesn't have a lot of patience.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

Daryl

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Two for the skin doctors:

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

-= 2 =-
Q: What has 10 eyes, 10 ears, 10 legs, 10 arms and 10 teeth? A: 5 meth addicts

-= 3 =-
During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

-= 4 =-
My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

-= 5 =-
~# via J. Harris, in Fidonet's FUNNY #~

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June 1997

-= 6 =-
Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

-= 7 =-
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

-= 8 =-
Two from Quora's "Jokes, Humour & Funny stories [lack of Oxford comma SIC]

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said ôOh, thatÆs cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?ö

My neighbour said to his wife, ôThese crab paste sandwiches just donÆt taste right, where did you get the crab paste?ö And she said, ôFrom the chemistö ("from the pharmacy" elsewhere in the world)

-= 9 =-
Do you have ARADD (Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder) like this guy?

I needed to do the laundry,

but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was,

and started checking pens for ink.

When I went to toss all the junk,

I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge.

That's when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag,

I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990's and not doing laundry.

-= 10 =-
Q: What language does Santa Claus speak? A: Polish (as in North Polish)

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)