• Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)

    From Arelor@VERT/PALANT to All on Mon Nov 15 03:43:16 2021
    Hello once again, moviegoers! As this post's subject suggests, I am here to tell you about a B-movie worthy of the Assylum's catalogue.

    This review is a hard one to write, because writting it forces me to admit I have watched it in the first place. In my defense I will declare I had two
    cups of Lepanto brandy, which caused me to be in the altered state necessary to go throughout the film.

    The most outstanding feature of this film is that the female cast of this movie was chosen for a very particular reason. Whoever assembled the cast knew what he wanted the actresses for. Each one of them does a lot of deep character development and gives you no less than two good reasons to like their characters.

    Translation for the above: it feels like the caster gathered all the candidates for the roles in one room, selected the 6 which had the biggest, bounciest breasts, and discarded the rest outright, using bra-size as the only selection criteria and ignoring other classical criteria (such as, you know, the capacity to put out a performance).

    The film is perfectly summarized by the following quote:

    Geologist 1: "We are being kidnapped!"
    Geologist 2: "I know, but look at those tits!"

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    With this out of the way, let's talk about what this film is about.

    Some fracking engineers manage to set a pack of sharksauruses free with their explossives. Sharksaures are pretty much your standard killer shark, except these ones swim in swamps and can also swim on ground. You read it right: they are like moles that dig their way through ground so standing out of the
    water won't save you.

    On the other hand, a band of immates from a women's prison is out in the swamp doing forced labor and create a chance to escape imprisonment. However, law enforcement won't be the only thing the'll have to run from. Sharksauruses are around, and they are hungry!

    The movie follows the women as they try to make their escape, alongisde two prison guards who have been taken as hostages. You may expect to see the worst film romances in the History of cinema. The acting is not wooden: its wood has fossilized into coal. If you like lesbian homoeroticism, you are lucky, though, because it has it in spades... or rather, they try to have it.

    A catfight is included too. It would have been better if the participants had been rolling in the mud, but it is clear at this point that is too much to ask from this film.

    There is an attempt at a sub plot with law enforcers. The two the film focuses on are Commander Relentless Bitch and Rookie Friendzoned Noob. They get some screen time but the film does nothing with them at all.

    You may be already thinking this film is total junk with no redeeming characteristics. You'd be wrong. The film makes a huge concession to realism in which it accurately portrays a widely known fact: Any random swamp hut in the Murica's has a stash of automatic weapons and ammo, enough to equip a small army of anti-sharksaurus rabid women.

    I'd say the movie turns into a "gun and run" flick at some point, but really, it is more of a "tit and gun" thing. At some point I was wondering if the plan to kill the sharksauruses was to feed them busty women so they died of tit overdose.

    Despite the fact this movie can only be classified as AIDs inducing radioactive waste, I must confess I was not bored by it for a single minute. It steps on that thin line which separates films that are so bad that they are bad from films so bad they are fun. Be warned that brandy may be necessary for this film to go down, however. The Lepanto brandy I had with this film was worth more than the whole budget for this movie.


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  • From Sys64738@VERT/TXNET1 to Arelor on Mon Nov 15 08:49:40 2021
    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Arelor to All on Mon Nov 15 2021 03:43:16

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol

    SYS64738

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  • From MRO@VERT/BBSESINF to Sys64738 on Mon Nov 15 10:20:46 2021
    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Sys64738 to Arelor on Mon Nov 15 2021 08:49 am

    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Arelor to All on Mon Nov 15 2021 03:43:16

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol


    i slammed my space bar through that but now that i hear it has tits i might give that movie some consideration.

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  • From Arelor@VERT/PALANT to MRO on Mon Nov 15 12:51:10 2021
    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: MRO to Sys64738 on Mon Nov 15 2021 10:20 am

    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Sys64738 to Arelor on Mon Nov 15 2021 08:49 am

    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Arelor to All on Mon Nov 15 2021 03:43:16

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol


    i slammed my space bar through that but now that i hear it has tits i might give that movie some consideration.


    I am afraid the tits remain hidden behind their bras. Bad luck, bro.

    But hey, in some cases you can tell the tits are oozing around the bra because the bra is just too small for their size.

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  • From MRO@VERT/BBSESINF to Arelor on Mon Nov 15 16:44:42 2021
    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Arelor to MRO on Mon Nov 15 2021 12:51 pm

    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Sys64738 to Arelor on Mon Nov 15 2021 08:49 am

    Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: Arelor to All on Mon Nov 15 2021 03:43:16

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol


    i slammed my space bar through that but now that i hear it has tits i might give that movie some consideration.


    I am afraid the tits remain hidden behind their bras. Bad luck, bro.

    But hey, in some cases you can tell the tits are oozing around the bra because the bra is just too small for their size.

    oh god traci lords is in it. she's so creepy.
    well the asian chick made some porn before going main stream.

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  • From poindexter FORTRAN@VERT/REALITY to Sys64738 on Tue Nov 16 06:51:00 2021
    Sys64738 wrote to Arelor <=-

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your time and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol

    It's available to stream on Tubi. I started watching it and thought it had OSCAR written all over it.

    When I looked it up on IMDB, I loved the "More Like This" Section:

    PIRANHACONDA
    SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA
    SHARKTOPUS VS. WHALEWOLF
    DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR
    SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE
    BIGFOOT OR BUST (get the pun?)
    SHARKNADO

    Apparently, we owe a debt of gratitude to Sharktopus for protecting the
    Human Race from a variety of other CGI mutations, and Michael Madsen has
    been busy - he seems to star in a lot of these.


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  • From Arelor@VERT/PALANT to poindexter FORTRAN on Wed Nov 17 13:55:48 2021
    Re: Re: Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)
    By: poindexter FORTRAN to Sys64738 on Tue Nov 16 2021 06:51 am

    Sys64738 wrote to Arelor <=-

    The whole deal looks like the movie kidnaps an hour and a half of your ti and offers you tits in return. Hmmm... okay.

    I read that and almost choked on my cannoli! lol

    It's available to stream on Tubi. I started watching it and thought it had OSCAR written all over it.

    When I looked it up on IMDB, I loved the "More Like This" Section:

    PIRANHACONDA
    SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA
    SHARKTOPUS VS. WHALEWOLF
    DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR
    SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE
    BIGFOOT OR BUST (get the pun?)
    SHARKNADO

    Apparently, we owe a debt of gratitude to Sharktopus for protecting the Human Race from a variety of other CGI mutations, and Michael Madsen has been busy - he seems to star in a lot of these.


    ... What do you think of the guests?

    Piranhaconda has been in my to-watch list for years already. One day I will get around it and post a review for it.

    Sharknado is a classic of the bad sharksploitation films already. It is so bad it is awful.

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  • From GiselleR@VERT/TRDRSBAY to Arelor on Tue Dec 28 09:27:37 2021
    The most outstanding feature of this film is that the female cast of this movie was chosen for a very particular reason. https://nicelocal.com/new-york-city/vet/type/dog_walking/

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